Managing emotions (sensitive)

[Eldouble]

I’m in the 2ww from my 4th embryo transfer. OTD is Sunday (12/3/23) but I woke early this morning with a crazy urge to test - I’ve had back to back dreams all night of pregnancy tests and their results which wasn’t desperately restful! Having had 3x chemicals up to now (2 from ivf and 1 natural) I’d promised myself I wouldn’t test early and that I wouldn’t get too excited with any good news early on…

Well anyway, I broke, I tested and it is a very faint positive. And now I don’t know how to feel. Excited. But scared that if I let myself get too happy (like all the other times) it’ll end up with me being devastated when it fails.

Just wondering if anyone has any helpful advice? How do you all deal with the uncertainty? I am so envious of those people who haven’t experienced infertility and who can get a BFP and just be excited with no consideration that it might not just be 100% good news.

[JustJane1234]

*Sensitive - mentions loss and a current BFP*

First of all, cautious congratulations on your BFP and I really hope this is the one🌷

I've had two previous pregnancies, both of which ended before 6 weeks. The 2nd time, I tried really hard not to get my hopes up or to let myself feel happy or excited about being pregnant. Guess what? I was still devastated when I lost it. I wish now I had just enjoyed it while it lasted and I regret having spent the whole 2 weeks I knew I was pregnant trying to protect myself from something that nothing can protect us from - the grief of losing a pregnancy.

So now that I'm pregnant again (really early days - only 5 weeks today), I'm trying to allow myself to enjoy it while it lasts, while still taking it one step at a time. At the moment, I'm really focussing on getting past the two points next week at which our previous losses occured. Then, if I get that far, it will be the viability scan, which is 2 weeks away. Then, I'll start looking forward to the next step.

So my advice would to try to find a balance between enjoying being pregnant and allowing yourself to feel happy and hopeful, but also only looking ahead to the next step.

Lots of luck xxx

[Eldouble in reply to JustJane1234]

Thank you so much for your reply and wise words. You are right, nothing will soften the blow if it does end up being bad news. It’s just so hard to stop your mind running away with itself imagining various scenarios!

I’ve since started with some light brown spotting which I totally get can be a positive (implantation bleeding) or a negative. The uncertainty is so rubbish! I’d love to fall asleep and wake up in 2 weeks time to find out what’s happened 🙈

Best of luck to you - I hope these are the ones that stick for both of us! 🤞🏻 xx

[DreamingOfTwo79]

Hello Eldouble! Congratulations on your positive test, what wonderful news! JustJane put it absolutely beautifully, I feel very similar. If you can, try and enjoy being pregnant as we just don't know what's around the corner, you will find the strength to deal with it when you have to but in the meantime try and allow yourself to feel the bliss and enjoy baby's presence as they magically develop at lightning speed every day while they're with you.

It is now a year since my last loss (baby stopped growing at around 6.5 weeks but my body retained the pregnancy for many weeks afterwards) and I am hopeful to transfer my tested embryo next month; I am very aware of my own anxieties and my way of coping with them will be to get blood betas done when I get a positive result after transfer. It still won't be a failproof indicator of course, but I feel it would help me to navigate the worrying in the first few weeks until that first viability scan around 6 weeks gestation. Perhaps you can check if your clinic offer these? If not, your GP may also be able to get you tested a couple of days apart to check if your hCG is rising. All that said, it's not for everyone, perhaps you'll feel more comfortable just taking it day by day without further testing until the scan. Wishing you all the best and sending love! X

[Eldouble in reply to DreamingOfTwo79]

Oh I’m so sorry for your previous loss. That must have been really hard. I hope this next transfer goes smoothly for you.

I’ve taken on board all the advice and have decided to take it day by day as you say. I did an extra test yesterday PM which remained positive. (Great news after the spotting, which has now stopped). Today I’m going to try to hold off and wait to test again tomorrow (OTD) instead. We’ll see - I won’t put too much pressure on myself and if I crack, qué sera! Xx

[Fruitandflowers]

I am in a very similar situation (and almost identical to JustJane1234 ) - I had two fresh transfers that made it past OTD with good lines and digitals, but they didn't last to 6 weeks. I did have a successful FET straight after and I feel so blessed to have my LG but I wanted to do embryo banking as soon as possible due to my age and prior losses. I did EC a couple of weeks ago got one egg so they suggested transfering at 3 days. I was really in two minds about doing another fresh and I am so anxious and doing crazy amounts of tests - they've been BFP from really early but as I've been here before I just can't trust them. I had a beta a few days ago and it was very low - had another today to see of it's risen but now won't get the results until Monday. So am now in a horrible limbo where I don't know if it's already stopped like the first two, or if it is just not very strong and will stop before 6 weeks. So I don't have any advice, and I really hope it works for you (given it was third time lucky for me on IVF transfers so just because you've had early losses does not mean it won't work) just replying so you know you are definitely not alone in this. ☘️

[Eldouble in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Thank you for your reply. It is really helpful to hear from others in the same boat who have been lucky and had that pregnancy success after loss. You’re right though, you do end up feeling like it’s never going to happen and every BFP will be followed by bad news.

That’s so hard for you that they’re making you wait until Monday for yesterday’s result. I will keep my fingers crossed and hope it will be good news for us both. Xx