This is all a bit alien to me. My wife and I have been on the ivf journey since 2019. It looks like we’ve reached an unhappy ending and I’m rubbish at actually talking to people so I thought writing something on here might help (fully aware this will seem self-centred and attention seeking). If there’s one thing in life I’m good at, it’s pretending everything is okay when it isn’t… a psychologist might call it suppression feelings, I would say just trying to keep a positive outlook on life.
Our first cycle was straight forward IVF. From memory, nothing fertilised normally. Feedback was sperm count/activity was close to normal, eggs not forming normally. 2nd cycle was ICSI, one embryo transferred but didn’t survive and nothing frozen. 3rd cycle we were advised to use egg donation, which we took 6 months to think about (obviously an easier decision for me than my wife). We decided to go with this. The fertilisation seemed to work, with 3 embryos deemed suitable so 2 frozen. Transfer was around 6 weeks ago, everything seemed ok in the initial blood tests and scan, hcg level was normal and rising. On Saturday my wife had a very heavy bleed (she’d had some blood every day for 8 days straight), passed tissue, and severe stomach cramps and feared the worst. A scan and blood test this week have shown no visible sac and massive drop in hcg level. Nurses have said all but certain she’s had a miscarriage.
Its all still very raw and I alternate between carrying on like normal (maybe acting), going shopping, doing some work, gardening etc to sitting feeling numb and crying for 10minutes. I think my wife is the same, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for her. I try to support her but I know it’s completely worn her down, pushed her to her limits physically and emotionally. She has said that she wanted to give up after the 2nd cycle and only went through the 3rd cycle (egg donor) for me as she didn’t really want to. Which is hard to hear and confusing as I’ve only ever wanted to support her and do the right thing for us both, not push her into anything in any way.
we both find it difficult to talk about it all. We try, however I think we’re both scared we’ll say something that we can’t take back or will push the other away. It’s put a massive strain on our relationship and things are definitely different than before we started ivf . Even after the 1st and 2nd cycle, it wasn’t nice to go through but I felt we supported each other and both still saw a happy future together (with or without children)… now I’m not sure, I think we’ve definitely lost something and genuinely don’t know where we go from here.
Apologies for the lengthy post without actually saying anything that I’m sure other people don’t go through as well.
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pdm21
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I am so sorry for what you have been through and your recent loss. It must be especially hard for you as I guess you need to feel strong for your wife but also have your own grief.
The first thing to say is this is very valid grief. I think people don't realise that. "its just IVF" or "just an embryo". You are grieving your baby that would have been, you are grieving not using your wife's own eggs and you are grieving for all that lost hope. Its all still incredibly raw and is going to take some time for you both to get your head around things, and start to come to terms with it.
IVF definitely changes relationships, you guys aren't unusual there, you have been through so much and survived so there is definitely hope for you. But it won't ever be that carefree relationship you had before all of this started. But these shared experiences can make you stronger over time.
Its the biggest cliche but I think you need to give it time, and to talk when you are both ready, and not yet as its all too raw. I just shut myself down from my partner as I felt such a failure and carried so much guilt and that came out in all sorts of weird ways. The other option is couples fertility counselling which may help, wasn't the right thing for us but may be your kind of thing. Either way it will get easier I promise x
Thankyou for your kind words Daisy1245, I appreciate it.
We have spoken to a counsellor after our first and 2nd unsuccessful cycles, which helped a bit at the time but neither of us are great at fully opening up. I think we will need to try couples therapy of some sort though, as I said it feels different this time, I think with the first two attempts it obviously didn’t feel as final. There was probably an element of self preservation as well, And also the psychology of us being told it didn’t work the first two times due to the quality of the eggs, so the percentage play was egg donation, this probably raised our hopes too much
My wife has understandably struggled with the egg donor route decision, even until days before the transfer. Even after the transfer and positive blood tests and scans, she was feeling guilty, and self resentment for not feeling ‘a connection’ with the baby or feeling fully happy it looked like it was finally working for us. I was being cautious not to seem to excited by it all as well and was trying let her get used idea, as I knew she needed to get comfortable with it in her own time. She was just gradually warming to the idea and and beginning to feel happy with it last week… we even finally started talking about little things like boy/girl preference, and timescales for changes to the house, purchasing things etc. Silly I know at 6 weeks, but it felt like a bit it was a kind of breakthrough for us.
It’s difficult to know now where the balance is between supporting each other through this and giving each other the time and space to deal with it in our own way.
I am so sorry you are going through this 😢 life can be so cruel. You and your wife are definitely not alone. We have been on this journey (ivf) for 5 years and for a long time we (me and hubby) both felt lost. Everything was ivf related. Every holiday decision. Watch what you eat, drink. The pressure the decisions…. Not to mention the feeling of failure when it all goes to shit. It’s the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives. Every so often we take some time out, a nice meal or a wee hotel a few nights no ivf chat nothing just us again. I feel like life gets put on hold and we have definitely changed as people. We are trying to be strong for each other whilst breaking inside. But I know that we will get through this and hopefully get our lives and happiness back. Stay strong. Hold each other. Cry together. What your both going through is huge take time to process it all. Huge hugs to you both xxx
Thankyou for this boo718. I definitely agree everything has felt ivf related for the last 3years, it’s like our lives have been on hold somehow. I like the suggestion of getting away for a wee break without any ivf chat and can see the benefit in that. It’s difficult to see how for us at the moment, but reassuring to know people can and do get through it together.
We haven't had anything like the difficulties you and your wife have had. But have found battling with infertility tough.
What you have been through is legitimately cruel.....
Can understand why you both feel at the end of the road.
I am so sorry for this very tough experience and your recent miscarriage is devestating....
I have no words other than I am sending the hope that you get the strength to deal with all of this together.
I echo a lot of what Daisy has said. The loss is very valid grief, and it's SO recent for you. I had my 4th miscarriage at 7 weeks pregnant in April off the back of my 4th cycle of IVF, and if you had spoken to me in the couple of weeks immediately after that, I was deep in that pit still. So deep I wasn't really talking to anyone. Struggled to work. Talk. It was hard for both me and my husband to connect, even though on the whole we've been working through IVF like troopers...we were both devastated, struggling to understand what might be next because it felt like the end of the journey. We grieved differently.
I remember really clearly that was April - then in June, I was absolutely full of rage after being 'okay' in May. I was angry with my husband (couldn't really articulate why) - was just raging at the world. I was mind-numblingly angry every single day. I called it the month of rage, lol. I still think I was going through processing my grief. I really thought this last cycle would work, and I was angry at the world, myself, my husband for 'delaying' trying for children. I still couldn't process what I wanted to do next. If I'd been forced to choose then I would've felt sure that it was all over.
All I can say is that this month I feel a different perspective. I've been coming back here. I've been researching next steps. I took some time to think about myself for a change, ignore people that said I had to rush, made my choices around that (e.g. I'm not interested in doing anything that puts my mental health at risk, and I believe there are still choices for me that result in children that allow me to have this break, and even if not, I matter more. My relationship matters more - that's my own choice to feel that way, and I realise that's personal and different for everyone).
I think the other thing is that the end of your IVF journey isn't the end of the journey as a whole - we always have choices, even when those choices become directed and limited by life experience. What feels impossible starts to become possible, despair slowly again becomes hope, and my husband and I are still connecting on this process, but I'm mindful - for example - that it's better that I poke my head out and do the research on where we might want to turn next, and feed it back to him slowly and at the right times, he doesn't like to get stuck into it like I do. He's not quite ready.
I believe that shared difficult experiences make you stronger, as Daisy has also said. Thanks for sharing your experience; you'll find this a welcoming community, and it may help you to position how you want to speak with your wife eventually - but if this just all happened Saturday, that is so new and raw, I wouldn't be surprised that you can't see through this right now. People deal with things differently and grieve differently.
Thank you for sharing this - I thought I was alone in how I responded to the strain of IVF. I also felt the absolute rage but you are right, perspectives shift and time does help and often brings renewed strength. You are very strong and you’ll get there 🍀
Thanks so much for writing this. Its beautifully written, so insightful, & it really helped me feel a little bit of calm at an anxious time in my 3rd cycle (egg collection yesterday (2 fertilised & still in the running).
Thankyou minnesota_girl. I can’t begin to comprehend how difficult that must have been. Genuinely so much of what you’ve said hits home.
Just writing some of this down, and reading the posts on here has helped. As hard as it is to read each devastating story of loss, there is a consistent sense of strength and hope… it is difficult to put into words how that helps but it does.
I’m glad you have found that taking time to focus on yourself has helped. I know that for myself and more so my wife, we have lost sense of putting ourselves and our relationship first for a long time now.
Blimey! What a bunch of intelligent, brave, insightful, perceptive, kind, strong, admirable, patient, and bloomin’ wonderful women you all are! I’m humbled to read about your experiences and your advice & it helps me immensely with my own struggles.
@ pdm21, I’m really glad you have reached out to the people on this site because it can really help to make sense of your feelings, to validate them, & to gain comfort from the knowledge that we all “get it”.
I won’t comment on your post, but only because there’s nothing I could say that hasn’t already been said, & in a far more eloquent way than I could manage! But one thing I will say, never apologise for posting!! Never apologise for seeking help & comfort on here - it’s what we’re all here for! x x
I'm soo sorry for your loss. You need to give yourself time to process everything you have both been though and grieve. I completely shut down when we had a loss at 9 weeks and blamed myself it was weeks before we could talk about it to each other. Every night when we went to bed my husband would roll over and without saying anything would just cuddle me and that honesty helped loads just feeling loved.
So sorry to hear this 💔 but you sound as if you are so supportive and loving to your wife so please don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing amazing ❤️ its still so raw and early to be dealing with this. Emotions are high. Please give it time. Ivf is insanely hard to start with and then for your little baby to be taken away from you is just heartbreaking. When people are hurt and upset they say things they really don't mean. Just be there for each other. It may be too soon to talk about feelings as sometimes you just feel numb. You are not alone and speaking on here will help you massively. 💫❤️
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3rd failed ICSI round, where to next?
the never ending hurdles
4th Failed DE Transfer just lost what to do
Feeling a bit sad! 
Feeling lost on my journey
