Advice needed on handling a friend

Hi all,

My wife and I are at the end of the two year window of trying for a baby. We are one step away from hearing if we qualify for NHS funded IVF. It is both exciting and nerve-wracking. However, since August of this year we've also had to cope with a friend who has become an uncle and will not let go of reminding us! It all started with him sending baby scan photos of his brothers' wife's baby in waiting. Since then, about once every two-three weeks he's updated us on how well his nephew is doing with big blown up photos of his nephew dominating the e mails he has sent. We have gently tried to remind him that we are struggling and his response his 'I'm sure it will happen for you'. Are we being too sensitive? He is a fragile person anyway with many sensitive issues so we don't want to come down hard on him as we have always tried to support him as best as we can through those difficult times. But, at this point in time, whether it is selfish or not, we feel he's not fully understanding our situation - a situation where we may one day have to accept we cannot have children. If he doesn't hear back from me he will facebook message my wife to share his joy at being an uncle. We are, of course, delighted for him and his brother but, short of blocking these e mails, I'm not sure what we can do to stop being reminded of what we haven't got. Any advice would be most welcome!

10 Replies

  • I’m having the same at the moment. My daughter is goin through icsi at the moment, hopefully egg replacement tomorrow or Thursday god willing. My friends daughter is having a baby and she is constantly sending me messages through fb. I just delete the conversation now as soon as it comes through. Hoping eventually she gets the message when I don’t reply. Ppl are so insensitive. Sending love to you both xx

  • Many thanks for the reply. Yes, we delete the e mails when they come through too. Hopefully he will also get the message. Best of luck for your daughter and her partner. x

  • And the same to you two. Hope your dreams come true x

  • Oh this is a tough one, the subtle hints are obviously not helping. Someone posted a link to a really well written article a few weeks ago that you could send on so he can read it to get an idea of how tough things are (although you arent quite at this stage of treatment yet) - see link below. I sent it to some of my friends and I think they were a bit shocked but nobody can imagine how hard it is until you are in the situation of infertility. Sadly some people never see themselves as doing these things that are hurtful and you may just have to be blunt or distance yourself if the soft approach doesnt work.

    Best of luck with getting your treatment funded!

  • Many thanks for your help. That article is an incredibly honest and heartfelt account of the trials and tribulations of IVF. I may well pass this article on to my friend should I need to.

  • Fertility network also have a document for sharing with friends and family. Have you considers that maybe he is struggling with not being a Dad himself, and being overly excited about being an uncle is his way of dealing with that?

  • Hi there. Yes absolutely. His nephew is his life and soul. He has had a troubled life and he finds his happiness through being associated with others happiness. He has battled many difficult circumstances and so we are having to tread a very fine line here not to upset him as that is the last thing we want to do. It's a difficult one.

  • I think I’d just try to go with it and share his joy as much as I could. I always find it gets easier as the baby gets older and starts to be a child not a baby. I find pregnancy the hardest thing to deal with and it just kind of gets easier from there.

  • Probably the best thing might be to tell him in person that although the pics are nice etc it is a reminder for you both of your struggles and you would prefer not to be sent those messages and hope he understands.

    It’s not easy and I would probably just have to come out with it as some people just don’t understand how you may feel.

    I hope it works itself out

  • Many thanks for the advice :-)

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