I promised myself that once my journey was over, I would share what I wish I had known before embarking on this rollercoaster - all the brutal lessons I have learnt over a heartbreaking five-year journey that involved five egg collections, numerous transfers and miscarriages. Please remember, this is my experience, and each journey is different.
IVF will forever be part of who I have grown to be, hopefully, more compassionate, more resilient and, yes, very traumatised.
You are stronger than you think you are xx
1) If it isn’t working, change the approach
Our first cycle resulted in nothing to transfer. I was beyond devastated. The doctor told me to do it again, so I did. Disaster. I then started looking for another clinic, to my surprise, doctors at other clinics also suggested we use the same short protocol, even though I had a problem with too many immature eggs. It felt wrong - why would I keep doing the same thing mindlessly? I had another consultation with the Medical Director at a new clinic - he finally suggested something new: long protocol, growth hormone and a new set of drugs. He explained that short protocol was “unforgiving” for immature eggs. We tried it and to my amazement, it worked. I got double the amount of mature eggs. There is an unhealthy power dynamic between patients and doctors, but do not let this intimidate you. They are human and susceptible to the same biases and the occasional poor decision-making as all of us - question them. If something isn’t working, you have a right to question it. Speak to as many doctors as you can before deciding what is right for you - this can be expensive, but, for example, some brilliant clinics in Greece offer free remote consultations with their lead consultants.
2) Test, test, test
The fertility world is sexist - it is always the woman’s eggs at fault, right? Wrong. We went through two pointless egg collections that were a complete waste of mental energy, time and money because the doctor didn’t a) test my partner’s sperm (he has 42% DNA fragmentation and b) test my tubes (I had a huge hydrosalpinx which meant any precious embryo transferred would probably have not been able to implant. After two failed cycles, we realised we both needed operations before we could do IVF again. If we had done proper testing at the beginning of our journey, we wouldn’t have wasted so much time, money and heartache.
3) It’s a journey (yes, but it really is)
We say this all the time: it is a journey, but it really is. I went into IVF at 35 thinking I was young enough to get immediate results. Boy, I was in for a shock. Every cycle seemed to present a new challenge. It is important to remember that some journeys are longer than others - some people have success the first time, for others, it can take years. Again, never compare. No journey is the same. It is important to take a balanced approach. As one midwife said to me: “be cautiously optimistic.”
4) You (mostly) don’t have control over this
We want to control this process, even though we can’t. So, instead, we obsess over vitamins, plastic-free bottles, the right kind of food, organic everything, and other ways to make this work. Inside, I blamed myself and my body so I thought I could change things. You need to release yourself - do your research and trust the medical professionals. It is your medical protocol that will make the difference, not how much your vitamins cost.
5) IVF must NOT define you
During my journey, I became obsessed. Babies were everywhere. I refused to eat anything in plastic. I became paralysed at the thought of my eggs growing older and older - I felt like a ticking time bomb. With every pregnancy announcement, I became more grateful for lockdowns; I was thankful I didn’t have to engage with anyone during lockdowns: It became too painful. I scrolled this forum about four hours a day, I was persistently reading about fertility and it was all I could talk about. I left my career abroad to come home just for IVF treatment. My whole identity was based on my fertility, my identity as a woman was intrinsically tied to the idea of being a mother. Without IVF, I felt I had nothing. I forgot who I was. I forgot what it meant to be happy - to be human. This forum has been a lifesaver, but I got too obsessed. I blocked all fertility sites for a few months whilst doing treatment to remind myself that this is MY journey and not comparable to anyone else.
6) Grief or depression?
How would I describe multi-IVF cycles? Jumping off a cliff, breaking all your bones and then doing it again, and again, and again. I slipped into what I thought was a deep depression. I had suicidal thoughts - I felt that if I couldn’t have a child, what was the point? I dreamt about dying alone (which is ridiculous, because we all die alone) and feeling like I hated my body (my poor body, that was working so hard for what I wanted). But my doctor actually told me it was grief - grief for my lost embryo, my babies that died, and for my missed chance of having a child. It helped me conceptualise and rationalise that what I was feeling was normal. There is a cycle of grief: shock, pain, anger, depression, reconstruction - and, finally, acceptance.
7) IVF tests even the strongest relationships
IVF tests a relationship like nothing else. It can uncover feelings of resentment, anger, frustration and it can quickly disconnect couples who cope with their emotions in different ways. However, I only really understood what love was going through IVF - somehow, our relationship kept going. United in grief. If you can make it through IVF and see the other side, whatever the outcome, you will be stronger for it. It is still hard, though - despite the emotional connection and reaching depths I never realised existed; we haven’t had sex in over a year - there is still so much work to be done.
8) You learn who your friends are
I have heard it all: “Happy childless day”; “just try naturally (um, no - my partner has no f’ing sperm”), “you need to stop, it is ruining your body”; “can’t you talk about something else?” I have lost so many friends, mainly due to a dangerous combination of my vulnerability and their insensitivity. I have never felt so alone. I was too mentally distraught to cope with my friends who had just given birth - I left WhatsApp groups, I stopped responding to baby photos. I would hide in the toilets when my colleagues would bring around their newborns. I would have a panic attack when I saw yet another pregnancy announcement. I felt so ashamed and guilty that I couldn’t be a better person, a better friend. However, I had to protect my mental health, and those friends that are real and true will be patient. I learned that you can be happy for someone else, whilst feeling so much pain for yourself - and it does not make you a bad person. Do what you need to do. Real friends understand and will be patient.
9) IVF buddies: a piece of advice
No one understands you better than an IVF buddy, because no one can understand this journey unless you have been through it. It has been incredibly comforting to have an IVF buddy and you build an instant connection and closeness. However, one word of warning: if one of you gets pregnant, and the other doesn’t, it can make you feel even more of a “failure” (ps. I hate that word, but it is how I felt). I had never felt more alone when my IVF buddy, the woman who understood my pain more than anyone, got pregnant naturally whilst I was miscarrying. It is very important to remember you are on your own journey, and comparing yourself to others (even if in a similar position), is a dangerous spiral. My beautiful new IVF buddy coped much better than me - I gave her hope, but each person has their own emotion and reaction, which is ok.
10) IVF is an art, not a science
Statistically, yes, you have a higher rate of live birth with PGS (certainly at the clinic I went to). However, I still had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and a chemical pregnancy with two PGS embryos. I couldn’t believe it - so the problem must be me then?! No. PGS is never silver bullet, it is a huge amount of cash, and probably only recommended if you have a large number of embryos. I was very sceptical about immune treatment, but I tried it anyway. I tried IVIG - a very expensive drip for immunes. It didn’t work and ended in a chemical pregnancy. After so many failed cycles, I begged my doctor to put me on 25mg of steroids when their clinical policy during covid was to stop all steriods. He finally obliged, because he knew how desperate I was. It worked, but I still question - was it the steroids? Or just the right embryo at the right time? It is important to remember that IVF is an art, not a science. I do believe it is worth trying various treatments as each person responds so differently, but it is worth remembering that many factors are at play.
11) Financial pressure is real
If I wrote down how much money I spent on IVF, I might throw my laptop across the room. As if we aren’t dealing with enough, we have to lose our entire life savings too?! Why do we have to pay for a medical condition we did not choose to have?! It is bitterly unfair and I recognise I have been fortunate enough to go private for a few cycles. All I can say is that thinking about the money will make it worse. Have a budget, agreed on it and then let it go and don’t think about it again. Get with a package deal if you can (perhaps Access Fertilty), so you can take the stress out of the financial situation.
12) BFP: The anxiety doesn’t stop
I assumed once I got a positive test, I would be the happiest woman alive. Wrong. Years of IVF and miscarriages have their consequences - I was petrified, crippled with anxiety. At each scan, my heart would be in my mouth. I had nightmares that I was covered in blood. Some days, I couldn’t breathe, I had convinced myself I was carrying around a dead baby. Every woman deserves to have a magical and positive pregnancy experience (I didn’t, I lived in fear) so it is important to get support to manage anxiety levels and get as much support as you can. Even after the birth, I still suffer panic attacks - traumatised by the whole process. Your feelings are valid - you have been conditioned to think this won’t work and your expectation of what motherhood should be tends to be unrealistically high, so be kind to yourself.
13) Redefine what ‘family’ means
Over the years, I have thought a lot about the definition of ‘family.’ We each have our own experience of what family means, but it is often important to broaden our minds and recognise that many modern families can take many forms. Before I entered this journey, I had quite traditional notions of what a parent is and I couldn’t begin to accept the idea of an egg or sperm donor or a life without a child. Then I did. I recognised that donation is the greatest, most beautiful gift. What more could a child want than love, trust, honesty, nourishment and a stable home?
I also recognised that a family also does not have to be defined by children - my partner and I are a family of two. Even as a single woman, I was a family of four with my closest friends and parents. Beloved pets can be your family. It does not take away from the desire to have a child, but every relationship in life is precious and valuable, and it can also be your very own family. When we want a child so much, we create unrealistic expectations of what that 'perfect' life will be like - it is worth remembering that many couples do not survive after a child is born because of the intensity and pressure. It is hard - unlike what you might see on Instagram, but many women feel they cannot converse honestly about it. Children do not create a family - you do. It is 'you' that defines who your family is in your life.
14) Whilst trying to create a life, don’t forget your own.
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Seren0119
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I really needed to read this today, after weeks of switching on my laptop to search things on forums and connect with others, i feel like its taken over me. I related to a lot and also realised a lot too. So thank you for this post!
This is exactly how I felt - and still feel. I endlessly Google IVF stories and scroll on this forum far too much (!). It is so important not to lose who you are a person and not let IVF define you. I find blocking sites and focusing on a work project or a new study project really helps give myself a break and a new focus during treatment x
Its hard not to. If im not googling success stories, im googling something relating to the current stage of treatment im at. Its never ending. Just last night my husband told me to put my phone down and "relax" about it. As much as id like to, i think the lack of professional advice from my nhs clinic has left me in a position where i have to do research like a maniac.
Totally agree - for me, I did tons of research (spreadsheets and all sorts), then once I had done enough, I forced myself to stop and just recognise I had done everything I could and the rest is out of my control (apart from determination). Best of luck with your journey xxx
😍😍 thank you sooo much for this. So much truth and exactly how I feel. I too am almost at the end of my 5 year journey and although I want nothing more than this final shot to work I also want the old me back. Your strength is amazing xxx
Praying this final shot is “the one”. I totally agree with you - I completely lost who I was. I am still trying to rebuild my life after years of isolation x
This is my first time posting. I’m sure my journey, my condition, prognosis is not uncommon. But is does help to and reaffirmed that I’m not alone in my feelings. 5 failed cycles, dor, miscarriage, prp and ton of money. With no little one in my arms. I’ve cried for 3 days straight and what the OP said hit home. This is a tough, tough road. I’ve read so many forums, this one hits home. Wishing everyone strength and love!
Thank you for taking the time to write this. Everything you said is so true. Until you go through IVF no one understands. Some people get pregnant just by looking at their husband and then moan about it as if it’s such a burden!! Those people make infuriate me because if they only knew how hard it is for some of us!! I think your post will help a lot of people on here, well done! So nice of you & congratulations that you got your miracle 😊 xx
People can be so insensitive - I feel like I have heard it all - that’s why I distanced myself, although in hindsight I should have better communicated how I was feeling than lost friends, but it is hard to be so vulnerable x
So wonderfully written and so many thoughts and feelings that so many of us on here have gone/are going through. The bit about the IVF buddy I am living right now. Myself and a good friend of mine went through our FETs a week apart in Jan. All going well until my baby stopped growing at 7 weeks which was confirmed on Tuesday. I am now completely dreading speaking to or seeing this friend as we had spoken about how they would be born so close together. I don’t know how I will face her as I will feel so much jealousy and so much failure in myself. Hopefully in time I will be able to move forward xxx thank you for sharing
I felt exactly the same. It broke me. It made everything 10 times worse.
I just sent her a lovely message saying that whilst I was so happy for her, it also triggered so much pain in my own situation. I explained I needed time and then distanced myself. Some people have come back into my life, others haven’t - those who come back and are patient and understand, they are real friends.
Make sure you protect and be kind to yourself as a priority ❤️
Thank you, it’s so so tricky. I often feel like I must be an awful person as I just don’t want to see certain friends. But knowing that my feelings are normal in this situation really helps. Myself and my friend are in the same friendship group so it will be hard. I think once I’m back having treatment hopefully I’ll feel a sense of hope again and will be able to face her. It’s such a rough ride! Thanks for sharing your journey and wishing you all the best xx
You are absolutely not an awful person (but that is how I felt too) - you are just human. It is an impossible situation, but just try and be kind to yourself. Communicate as much as you can and tell your friends what you need - if they are true friends, they will be sensitive and support you.
This happened to me but I was the friend who got to have my take home baby. My friend was meant to visit me in the UK from Australia and when she got here she couldn’t face seeing me. But I totally understood and accepted that although I missed her that’s what she needed. It took over a year for her to fall pregnant again and she now finally has a little girl of her own. You do what you need to do, and if she’s a good friend she will get it and be there for you when you’re ready xx
Thank you so much for your reply. At the moment I feel ok, but I think as time goes on and she gets further along I may feel worse about it. But I guess I may not and will just have to see ❤️ It would be so lovely if everything just went how we wanted it to! I hope things are ok between you both and thanks again it’s so nice to hear it from another perspective xx
See how you go and don’t be hard on yourself. Sometimes we have to do things to protect ourselves and that’s ok. It took until she got pregnant again for things to be ok between but that was ok too. I was waiting and ready when she was. Sure I was sad that wasn’t able to ask questions about my son when he was born or to be in his life, but I knew it wasn’t really about me and how painful it must have been for her. I was able to do for her what many of my friends who did not deal with fertility issues were unable to do for me - I think unless you’ve been there people really don’t get it.
Thank you so much for sharing this post, your experience and advice. I also really needed to hear this today. I have just today, found out my 3rd fresh cycle has failed. Heartbroken.
I am completely lost, and not sure where to go from here. Like you say it’s a lonely place. I’ve loSt who I am as a person. Your words have just given me that little bit of hope I needed. Thank you. 💗
I needed to read this. So much is a direct reflection of where I am at. I need to have number 14 as my life mantra as I have struggled so much with this lately. Thank you x
Goodness me, I could have written this myself, although I wouldn’t have done it nearly so eloquently! I agree with absolutely everything you’ve written. I think I was borderline PTSD to be honest and had to continue with my counsellor right up until the birth practically (and was also traumatised afterwards). It was such a harrowing experience for me and the stress of the ‘journey’ is not to be underestimated. Thanks for posting this x
Beutiful post and it summarises most of my thoughts across the years with IVF. I'm glad the journey ended luckily for you. Enjoy the motherhood, you deserve it ❤
Thanks for taking time and effort to share your thoughts with usThough each of us has our own fertility issues and it’s not the same, you spoke of a story of everyone who goes in this journey !
Gosh, you made me cry 😘🥰…Seems like all of us have been in one way or another way in the same part of the journey. Happy to hear it has worked out for you. Enjoy the new journey xx
What a beautifully written and powerful message I feel like I want to share it with everyone I know so they can truly understand just what it is we all go through/are still going through. We become obsessed and loose ourselves and forget what we used to like doing and enjoying. We hide away and our relationships change or we loose them. I’m so glad you now have your miracle and are able to write this to help others along their journey and hearing everyone else relate just goes to show that we’re not alone and all feel the same. Thank you 🙏 lots of love and strength your way xxx
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this! I frequently read things on here but never post, but this rang true so much that I couldn’t not comment! This is wonderfully written & literally hits every nail on the head! Points 13 & 14 actually just made me cry! 🥺❤️
I’m not as far along as you in my journey but we’re on our 3rd attempt which has taken 2 years so far! First 2 attempts resulted in positive pregnancy tests but miscarriages at 6 & 7 weeks 🥺 I’ve had my 3rd transfer & am currently in The TWW and I couldn’t agree more about anxiety levels being through the roof! I’ve been having heart flutters/palpitations which again brings a whole other worry for your well being and health!
We were told by the consultant after each miscarriage to try & take time for ourselves and to try not to worry! I wish that was as easy to do as it is to say…this process consumes every second of every day, whether you’re going through treatment or waiting for your body to recover before trying the next round! Praying this one works 🙏
Congratulations on your miracle! I am sorry it took so long to get there but I am so pleased you did! Sending lots of love & thank you again for sharing your experience! I really do this this post will help so many people ❤️ Xxxx
This is a beautiful piece of writing and so true, everything you said. I really blamed myself for not feeling happy when family and friends announced their pregnancies, it felt like such wrong jealousy but I just desperately wanted it to be my news. When I found this forum it was a relief to know that people felt as I did and my feelings were normal. And this pregnancy i am just a bundle of nerves, i even saw anxious was written on my maternity notes. Like you I thought all the pain would just melt away but it’s like ptsd.
P.S. is your name Seren? It is on my top 2 baby names! I’m irish so probably strange having a Welsh name, but i really really like it!!!
I am half Welsh...and would definitely encourage your to call your little girl Seren! Congratulations on your pregnancy and try and get some counselling if you can...keep breathing and focus on each day as it comes (and as a blessing). Also talking to your little one can help - keep repeating that you are both in this together xx
Thank you for writing this every point I could relate to and understood completely where you were coming from. I am still on my journey after 7 years, it's tiring, it's a struggle but we do what we need to do to get hopefully what our heart so desperately wants so much.
Nice to hear that you made it through the other side and your words just gives me so much hope and faith that I will get there too
Just a huge thank you for writing this. It brought tears in my eyes, probably because everything you said is so true and it hits home and I am sure many of us here can relate and will take advice from this!
I am so happy you did get your miracle even with all the sacrifices you made. I hope eventually you can enjoy being a mum, live in the now and accept your IVF journey as something that has made you stronger and an even better person! ❤️
What a beautiful post. This bought tears to my eyes, I can relate to so much of it. Just had my fourth BFN, very disappointed so really needed to see this today. Thank you for sharing and congratulations, so glad you got there in the end xx
I am so sorry....every BFN is just so traumatic. Take time to grieve and heal and try and keep going...you will get there in the end, I truly believe that - whatever it takes xx
This is so true and beautifully written. You covered absolutely everything so well.
It's taken me years to get used to watching everyone around me have babies (some friends now have 6) in the 15 years I've been having treatment, while I hated my body for such a long time for letting me down.
I'm sure your words will make a lot of people feel better about their own journeys. Congratulations on making it to the end of yours and having your prescious little one ❤️XX
That is so kind, thank you. I also hated my body, but now I realise it was trying so so hard to give my mind what it wanted. Be kind to yourself (body and mind). Sending love and strength xx
Thank you so much for articulating so many of my own feelings through IVF treatment, miscarriages and years passing dealing with infertility. I will save your words so I know I am not going crazy, these are valid feelings when going through something as tough as IVF.
Happy for you that you made it to the other side 💫 Babydust to everyone 💫
Thanks so much for sharing these reflections/advice, I relate to this so much! After five years of trying, I have just got my first positive result and I’m so nervous about what the next few weeks will bring. How did you get through it? Did you find any forums/support to help? xx
So happy for you, but I understand what an anxious time it is. At every scan, I was paralysed with fear. I didn't find any specific forums (although the Fertility Network has a new forum for BFPs). One midwife said to me: be cautiously optimistic, which didn't make me feel much better but it is the right approach (in my view).
I think it is important to accept it will be an anxious time but to try and take each day as it comes. Treat yourself to something each day - take each day as a blessing. Talk to your little one, tell him/her you are in this together and whatever happens, you will survive and your determination will get you through. Try and stay off Google (I was constantly searching for miscarriage statistics, which was not helpful) and just keep breathing...each day, as it comes. I did take A LOT of pregnancy tests, I know some people find this makes them worse, but it reassured me. Also, confide in a close circle of family/friends and get support - also write a diary or do a private video diary, it can help. I also think distractions can be really important. - I started a new course so my focus was on deadlines and assignments, which massively helped me to not dig deep into a dark hole of my own thoughts. I didn't tell many people about the pregnancy, but I did go out for walks - anything to get through the day and provide a distraction. Remember - the odds are with you. Stay strong for your little one. You are in this together. Thinking of you xx
Wow this was a powerful & emotional read! I can really relate to what you have written. I particularly liked the way you described the impact of that dangerous combination of your vulnerability and other peoples insensitivity! So true. It is such a brutal journey and I’m so pleased that you are now finally able to get off the absolute rollercoaster that is IVF! Enjoy your well deserved cuddles with your precious little one xxxx
This is beautifully written and one of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen written on any forum - and like you, I’ve spent A LOT of time on them. Your words reflect so much of my experience and what’s so heartbreaking is for someone reading it who is only about set foot on the IVF roller coaster for the first time is that until it’s your journey and your experience you can’t really understand it yet or try and apply it. You try to prepare, to take on the advice of wise women like yourself who have been there and done that but you can’t because you always have that voice in your head that says but it will be different for me. I made plenty of predictable mistakes along the way (I do think hormones have a lot to answer for in questionable decision making!!) in my desperation to become a mother. Thank you for articulating so well what it takes. IVF is the loneliest experience I have ever had and reading this made me feel seen xx
Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. So much of it resonated. And first, huge congratulations!!I’m in a position where I’ve had three cycles already (2 failed, 1 ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks) and have now been told I have hydrosalpinx in both tubes. Out of interest, do you know why it wasn’t picked up on you earlier? Having had lots of scans throughout my cycles I can’t believe it wasn’t picked up by my fertility clinic. Sorry, you don’t to answer but am really struggling with this. X
You summmed it up so well! Amazing and glad you are in a good place in your journey and made it out. I’m a year or two in and reading this helped me, thank you xxx
This made me think about my journey and how true are the emotions you go through. This is truly amazing and a great capture of how difficult and different each one’s journey is.
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