Failed IVF - What next?

[SKY201]

Hi all, this is my first post, I apologise for it being so long, I have only just plucked up the courage to do this...I have just joined today. I guess I'm looking for some support and maybe some suggestions/advice from others who may be in my situation, and perhaps also to be able to support others too? I feel alone.

My partner and I had IVF 2 month ago, 1st cycle, ICSI, one healthy egg was retrieved (although there were 6 healthy folicles, the surgeon only decided to collect 1 egg as he said he was on a tight schedule that day!) and we had healthy sperm.

Fertilization went well, but the embryo didn't develop so we couldn't proceed with transfer.

We were devastated to say the least. It's been eating away at me and my partner ever since. It's causing tension and anxiety in us both, perhaps it's like a grieving process.

I have had 2 miscarriages before, we've had all the tests/scans etc and we've been told there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to conceive naturally and there's no explanation for the lost babies.

I have endometriosis, but again, tests etc have shown all tubes, womb, ovaries etc are all ok and clear.

I do have one child who was conceived naturally (which of course I'm grateful for) before my endo diagnosis, and the pregnancy was text book, no probs, so all ok.

The problem I'm having is the total sense of loss, all of the time, everywhere I go outside, on the TV wherever, there seems to be permanent reminders (perhaps I'm just over sensitive given the situation).

I do not yet feel that I have completed my family, and when I say this to friends, usually I get a "well it's not like you have no kids at all is it!" (is it wrong of me to feel this isn't a helpful comment, especially from people who already have their "family" of 3 or more kids?)

I'm also what would be called a "mature mum" so time isn't on my side (again, been told I'm selfish, huh??) but I am still fertile and producing eggs, have a regular ish cycle..

We had natural modified IVF with ICSI. We haven't been back for a follow up yet because it's all just been too raw. Inside I'm so fed up, feeling low and, hate to admit it, but angry, I feel like the surgeon didn't try hard enough to retrieve more eggs so we at least had a greater chance etc etc and we are at a loss as to what to do next!

Do we try to conceive naturally or go back to clinic for advice? If we could conceive naturally I'd really appreciate ANY advice or ideas from anyone.

My partner says he's happy to carry on as normal and leave it to nature, but I'm anxious about that (which of course, stress doesn't help! catch 22)

I am writing on here in the hope that there are others out there who, well, just understand.. it's a really tough place to be in and I feel nobody understands unless they've been there... Can anyone help or at least tell me what i'm feeling is normal?

Also, does anyone know if my GP can prescribe fertility drugs to enhance natural conception?

Thanks all for taking the time to read this.

[Rebecca2384]

Hi Sky, I’m sorry you feel torn in this journey. It is such a hard experience to go through isn’t it. I completely understand how you feel and I think the support on here is fantastic so don’t ever be afraid to post or ask questions.

As far as the ‘leaving it to nature’ that’s something maybe another clinic could help you decide. It sounds like you have been cheated a bit by the clinic you went to who rushed your collection. Regardless of your Drs schedule you should have had a fair egg collection and had as many as they could get harvested. I would suggest maybe seeking advice from another clinic.

I understand being (35 myself) you do feel like you have an expiration date to have a baby. All couples have a different expectation of what age they are willing to try up to. My age I set myself is 35 and I only have 6 more months left before I move on with my life and come to grips that I may not have children. But now I’m closer to that deadline I feel like I can push myself a bit longer.

What your feeling is totally normal and as many others on her will agree how lonely and terrifying this journey is. But no matter what try not to be hard on yourself or put too much pressure on yourselves.

Our GP wouldn’t prescribe any fertility drugs as I asked for some clomid. They referred us to a fertility clinic which has been wonderful.

[SKY201 in reply to Rebecca2384]

Thank you Rebecca for your kind words and for taking the time to reply, I will consider everything you've said. My partner and I are discussing atm.

[Hidden]

Just a really quick comment - if it's really true you had more eggs to collect but your surgeon simply chose not to collect them then that is unconscionable. I would pursue this aggressively with the clinic, make a formal complaint to them and the HFEA, and demand a refund of your round.

[SKY201 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Some16, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, it's very kind of you. I understand what you've said, that is kinda how I feel, but not sure how to proceed, but now you mention it, I will contact the HEFA. Thank you

[Mama196]

Hi I’m so sorry to hear of this- I think if that’s correct about the eggs then you should follow it up if you can face it- is there a contract where they set this out? You’ve ultimately paid for a service that they didn’t deliver.

Do you mind me asking why you opted for the IVF route? Was it taking a long time to conceive after the miscarriages?

I’m in a similar boat- 1 child already who is almost 3 and 2 miscarriages since. I’m 36 but it feels like time is slipping away rapidly. At the miscarriage clinic they weren’t worried about my age though and said mid 40s is more difficult.

I just don’t know what to think anymore, it’s hard carrying on and opening yourself up to more hurt each month and I feel like it’s all a battle to advocate for my health. Same as you, I don’t think there’s an understanding of how difficult it all is even though you have a child already- the heartbreak and worst year of my life and you can’t escape the constant reminders and pregnant people!

I’ve decided instead of saying congratulations to people who get pregnant easily without trying, it should be congratulations for surviving years of mental anguish and pain and carrying on with work etc anyway! Put that on a greetings card!

I wish you all the best whatever happens and just know that your child will be really happy in life even without a sibling with your love.

[SKY201 in reply to Mama196]

Hi Mama196, Thank you so very much, your words have given me great comfort and hope, and some courage to consider that I really should go back to the clinic and follow it up...

I have a condition called endometriosis, which took 9 years to diagnose.

I only found out after having my son, it's a long story but the basics are that my ex husband left me and our son when our son was just 1 yr old... after a traumatic divorce my health declined, and not knowing what was wrong, the GP kept brushing it off as "heavy periods" only after 7 years of practically fighting with the doctors did I get a diagnosis (after a laparoscopy etc) from my GYNO consultant.. then, only AFTER 2 miscarriages (2016 & 2018) did I start question my fertility..

I was never told that endo affected my fertility, how bad is that!

My partner is wonderful, and last year we went back to my consultant to review my endo situation, only to be told I need a massive hyserectomy, which I thought, no, no, I still want more children.

My consultant told me it would only be possible with IVF. We tried to conceive naturally whilst seeking advice from a private IVF clinic in the meantime.

We had lots of tests etc. Turns out my eggs are there, just not being released, so we decided after 8 long emotional months of trying, to go for IVF... and that's where we are now.

I am 40+ so time isn't on my side, but, we have received all the advice with my GP, Gyno, Clinic and been told we are very healthy, not overweight, I've never smoked, hardly everydrink etc etc and they all said there was no explanation for the miscarriages and no reason why I can't have a "normal" pregnancy. only my age goes against me..

Yes, it's not ideal, and some might say "too old" but I didn't plan to be in this situation at 40+, life just dealt me that hand, and as we all know, endometriosis is a disregarded by so many medical professionals, and nobody actually told me at diagnosis how serious it was, I had to find it all out online... but that's another issue.

We are all starting to become more aware of the condition now, it's just very very sad that for many women like myself, it can often be too late or last chance saloon!

My partner and I decided to go for it because we didn't want to live with the regret of "what if" which I'm sure everyone on here can relate to.

I only know how I feel, and, I have had a pregnancy as recent as last year, I'm producing good eggs, just somewhere something isn't working.

We went for Natural Modified IVF with ICSI and on egg collection was told the egg was very healthy, sperm was perfect, the embryo just didn't develop the right way so transfer was not recommended...

I just felt so heart broken and frustrated when I knew from scans etc that I had approx 6 good folicles all at the right size, and on the day they only collected 1 egg, and we were told they didn't have time to try to collect from my left ovary so just got the one from the right.. you can imagine how I felt, but when you're still dopy from the drugs you're a bit all over, and I never got chance to speak to the surgeon again...

I do think we need to go back to the clinic and see what they have to say.

Once again, thank you so very much for your response. Everyone has been so kind.

[Mama196 in reply to SKY201]

I’m so sorry to hear it, you’ve obviously been through so so much over the years and that is understandably really distressing and will be an ongoing thing as it is like a form of grief.

My sister has endometriosis and has managed to have kids naturally after a laparoscopy but it does seem to be a complete lottery on that front, very unfair. It’s a very difficult condition to live with also- I’m so sorry it has affected you so

much in so many ways- it’s such a sad story and could’ve been avoided with better medical help potentially. You have every right to feel heartbroken and deserve a medal for going through it all and taking the chance and trying again.

I think counselling would be worth considering as it’s so important to have a place you can really let all these feelings out and talk about it all. I find there’s nowhere you can really do that except with counselling. I saw somebody who does Skype consultations and specialises in fertility matters if you’d like her number I can send you a separate message. I would recommend her.

I am surprised the surgeon said this and I think you definitely deserve a response and more information about what happened even if just to help get some closure on the subject. If anything, they should really do written reports on these things for your own records- I’m sure they’ll still have their own records.

[Boomer89]

Hi.

My first round of ICSI failed. We managed to get to the point of an embryo being put back in, but it wasn’t great quality and had to be put back day 2. The cycle failed and I had my period before test day so I knew. (And cried for days as I bled)

I was devastated. It is grieving, that is exactly what you’re feeling. My husband and I went to a councillor who specialises in infertility and my god was it the best thing we did. She helped me understand how I was feeling and helped my husband come to terms with how he was feeling. It was hard getting all the feelings out, but she just reassured me that what I felt was normal and that I had to give myself time to grieve.

My husband and I have no option to try naturally as ICSI is our only option. However after seeing a councillor and having the courage to then go back to the clinic and discuss our options it gave us the strength to try again.

I have no advice on what you should do next as only you can decide that. But I would highly recommend a councillor. One session could even be enough to help you (we had 2 sessions)

I would also go back to the clinic (when you’re ready) and fight the fact they didn’t Take more eggs out. They should have been doing what was best for you, not what was convenient for them.

Good luck and I hope you get pregnant - whichever way you decide to try next.

[SKY201 in reply to Boomer89]

Hi Boomer 89 Thank you so much for your kind reply, it's a comfort to know I'm not alone and my feelings are normal. I am so sorry for your loss also, there are no words that can stop the pain, and only someone who's been there can know what it feels like. Thank you for recommending a counselling, I think it could be something that would help my partner and I too. I hope your journey ends it good news and I will be thinking of everyone on here who has taken the time to reply to my post. Thank you again, stay stong and don't give up hope!

[Lapinblanc88]

Surely the doctor working on tight schedule was not the reason?!!

If this is true this is absolutely wrong! I'm so sorry.

So he/ she left 5 eggs behind?!!

Was it because they were not accessible?

( I had 4 left alone because it was dangerous)

Please ask the reason for this.

It could be because of your endometriosis.

If it's not I would inquire the "tight schedule"

No sane surgeon should leave accessible eggs behind ...

[SKY201 in reply to Lapinblanc88]

Hi there

Thank you for your reply.. The surgeon said the left ovary was " a tricky one" which we already knew and he had been told, it's all over my notes, but he told my partner before I'd had a chance to wake up from the procedure that " The left ovary is a tricky one, and we are very busy here today, on a tight schedule so I decided to leave it, but we got one good egg from the right ovary" that's what was said, so to me, tricky or not, he should have at least tried, I wouldn't have cared if it had taken more time, I believe that every patient has the right to fair treatment, busy or not.. but we haven't been back for a follow up yet, which we will do very soon. Thank you again for your reply, people have been very supportive on here and it is a great comfort.

[Hope4040]

I totally get this as I feel exactly the same. I only joined a couple of days ago because there’s nobody I know of any of my circle of friends who have been through ivf.

I mean all my friends and family have been so supportive but no one actually understands. And I’m now in the situation where friends are falling pregnant and having babies with no struggles at all.

I feel like it’s making me bitter and mean. Of course I’m happy for them all but in the back of my mind I’m asking why me?!

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that your not on your own. This site has helped me a lot and I’ve also found some valuable advise from it too.

I started my ivf journey in May 2018 and since then I’ve had 2 MC, it’s certainly taken Its toll. I think I was quite naive when I went into this process. I never thought it would be this gruelling both mentally and physically.

Feeling the pressure as I’m 39.

We’re just about to embark on our next round in Prague as we had no more funding her in the uk. So feeling nervous and scared to say the least knowing what’s to come. But also I have that glimmer of hope. Which is all we can do.

I’m wishing you every bit of luck.

Where abouts in the uk are you? I’m wanting to go to a support group so I can meet people face to face.