I don't post on here very much and haven't done in a while but I wanted to share something in the hope that it helps some of you.
I have had 2 rounds of IVF, an ectopic pregnancy and blighted ovum. I have had 9 transfers, every test under the sun undertaken on me and spent an absolute fortune on treatment. I have dedicated the last 5 years of my life to having a baby.
I have made the choice (and I appreciate and respect that it is a luxury to have a choice on whether to continue IVF or not, we don't all get to make that choice for various reasons and I know how fortunately I am to have it be a choice) to end my journey with IVF.
Like a lot of you, my life has been on hold during the IVF process, I have invested everything financial, emotionally and physically to it. I have decided I can't do that anymore and must focus on myself, get reacquainted with who I was and who I am and want to be. When IVF puts your life on hold it doesn't just mean not being able to plan for the future, it can also put distance between yourself and your loved ones and distance between yourself and the things you love. These are by-products of the process and not something I really realised was happening until I decided to stop. In recent months I have been enjoying so many things that I had unintentionally shut off due to IVF, simple pleasures that were once so important to me and long forgotten.
It felt important to me to put this out there in case it is helpful to anyone. I don't want to make anyone lose hope, but for me hope became a thing that caused me to comprise myself and I'm relieved to not be doing that anymore. IVF does not always work out and I'm an example of that but I'm also an example of someone who knows that life has much in store for me and I'm excited about what that might bring whether that be chosen family, adoption, fostering or none of those things.
Wishing you the best of luck in your journeys to getting what it is in your heart that will bring you most joy. In the words of Mary Oliver 'You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves'.
Love to you all. Bookbroad.
Over and out. xxx
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Bookbroad
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You've made an incredibly brave decision. It's not easy to walk away from something you've invested so much into - it takes a lot of courage. I hope you can get back to enjoying the things you love. And, like my fertility counsellor told me, happiness doesn't come from children, a job, etc., it comes from within. You have my total respect and I wish you luck X
Thank you so much. I think the investment can be part of the problem, you can't stop because the stakes become higher and higher. Thank you for your wise words and kind comments.
This really is beautifully said. I can imagine it is an immensely hard decision to make.
I've spent so much time obsessing over treatment plans, procedures, stressing about injections, trying to make it on time for appointments, enduring probing scans, telling people I can't come to things, lying about not drinking, trying to deal with relationship strains that IVF puts on you, and losing myself in the process. So I can truly understand why you have decided to call it a day.
IVF, although it is so incredible to have this option, does really rob so much from you - and like you I've forgotten who I was - and actually changed fundamentally as a person.
I really hope your next chapter fulfills your life in whatever way makes you happy.
Although my IVF journey eventually worked out I completely resonate with you on every word. I felt like this so many times. It completely takes over you life.
I think it’s lovely you have shared this to help other people and very brave. Enjoy what you choose to do in life and I wish you all the happiness in the world! Go get your dreams! Xx
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes incredible strength and courage to go through what you have and to make the decision to focus on yourself. Your words will surely resonate with and help many others on their journeys. Wishing you all the best in rediscovering yourself and finding joy in the things you love. Your resilience and wisdom are truly inspiring.
Thank you for sharing this. I am approaching my 9th transfer (final embryo) and if that fails then this will be a choice for us too. When we first started ivf I said we'd continue as long as stopping was scarier than carrying on - I honestly think I'm approaching the point where stopping is more appealing. I want myself back, I want to focus on my friends and family, I want to live a good life and find the joy again.
Got everything crossed for your final transfer and thanks for reaching out. Stopping being scarier than carrying on is it in a nutshell. Do DM me if you want to speak to someone who understands how you’re feeling. xxx
Thank you for sharing your journey and giving others hope that even if the IVF journey isn’t successful, you can make a decision to stop it and start to have some control back in your life again! You are right about IVF and whatever you do day to day it’s always in the background and can stop you making future plans, I wish you all the best in the future whatever that may hold for you x
thank you for this I can’t explain how much I needed this right now. I had what I decided was going to be my last round and found out Thursday it wasn’t successful. I really need to hear this today as I’ve felt very alone with my grief and trying to consider a life outside of ivf and how I can back the joy in life I used to have.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I know what you’re going through, it’s a grief you can never anticipate even when you’ve known all along it’s a possible outcome. Go slow with yourself and do DM me if you want to speak to someone who understands where you’re at. You aren’t alone. Xxx
We're 18 months into our journey. No success so far. We've decided no more egg collections (three so far with horrible OHSS and every time they've made my endometriosis pain infinitely worse). We still have some embryos and feel grateful for that, but the conversation around transferring them was caveated with 'you're 43, if you want to bank more embryos, now is the time' by our clinic. If the next ones fail like the last one, we are done. Difficult decision, but massively freeing. The effect it all has on mental health, happiness and relationships is profound and difficult and there is such courage in the decision to choose life beyond it. Thank you so much for your post. You have no idea how much it means to those of us who question every single day if we should be doing more. As I read it, I was sitting in a cafe feeling defeated and having had a CAFFEINATED coffee and a sugary (inflammatory!) pastry, feeling like a terrible person. Thank you for the reminder that we are so much more than this process at a time I really needed it. Wishing you love, luck and joy wherever your path leads you xxx
Thank you for your reply. It means a lot and I’m so pleased it came to you at the right time. The self flagellation that comes with every day decisions around how you live your life during IVF are so profound and come at a time when you need small pleasures more than ever. I hope you enjoyed your coffee and pastry with no guilt or shame, you deserve that!! The poem I quoted from had a profound effect on me, the first few lines in particular relate so strongly to my IVF experience. You may know it but included here, in case it helps. Take care of yourself. phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/a...
It's so beautiful and I am going to write it down somewhere I can see it every day of this rather brutal journey. Thank you so very much.
Might I also - and you hay have heard it - return your kindness by suggesting episode 1 of series 7 of the podcast Best Friend Therapy. In it, Elizabeth Day talks about her decision to move on from IVF and what it meant to her. It has helped me profoundly to know that there is life on the other side of this journey. She shares her story so beautifully and it really gave me a calming perspective on the process and helped me sort of zoom out from it all. Sending you so much love xx
Thank you for the recommendation. I will certainly check it out. These little nuggets are always so good for the soul, appreciate it you passing it on xx
Hi,I thought I would share my story with you. I stopped using IVF some time ago and decided to live my life to the fullest. I decided to progress in my career, have a big house, and go on a fancy holiday abroad, and it felt amazing. However, I started feeling weird in the beginning of May and decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. I don't have to say how shocked I was to see two lines, but now I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Things can happen when we give up and don't put pressure on our body so stay positive and happy. I wish for your dream to come true too.
This is so wonderfully written Bookbroad I'm so sorry your last transfer didn't work out - neither did ours, and I understand the feelings that come with so many unexplained failures, it is such a difficult journey and your life really is on hold all this time.
I'm sure you have a beautiful future ahead of you and the resilience and compassion you've developed over this time will be a huge gift to others. Sending so much love to you and thank you for sharing your story xxx
So beautifully said, raw and honest and incredibly brave. You’re absolutely right about everything you’ve said and I think it’s incredibly brave to come to a decision to move forward with your life and focus on yourself which you so deserve after everything you’ve been through. Going through IVF, loss and infertility is one of the hardest things a person can experience and it takes great strength to do so and to also make a decision to stop. Wishing you so much happiness and love on this next chapter of finding you 🤍 xxx
Hi Bookbroad, your post really resonated with me. Nothing can prepare you for the toll of a protracted IVF journey and successive failures or losses. Thank you sharing this.
Hi there! I’m am also going through this at the moment. We have 1 Frostie left and we have decided to take a break for a few months as like many others, I’m mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.
We know that if this one doesn’t work then it is the end of our ivf journey. We really thought I’d would have worked but now we are left with the reality that we may also be one of the unlucky ones.
I also feel I have lost myself and fed up now with everything I’ve given up. I want to start enjoying my life again.
Its a hard decision to make and I’m heartbroken but I just can’t put myself through anymore pain 🥺
Hi Bookbroad, I found your post after searching for stopping IVF and adoption.We've just had our 7th round and 4th miscarriage, we do have 1 frostie left but I am done. I'm ready and at peace to move on, I can't go through another loss. My priority has shifted from being pregnant to being a parent and I'm hoping we will move to adoption. My partner is tempted for us to use the last embryo but he completely respects that it is ultimately my choice as it's my body.
We get married in 3 weeks and we said we'd make a final decision after the wedding and even in this short time I'm feeling so much free-er, making plans and like you said you don't realise until you stop how much it does totally consume your life.
I just wanted to share that you're not alone. All I see is don't give up or it'll happen when you stop (well not for me as I've no tubes) comments and they're really not helpful. It is a huge and difficult decision to make.
I have lots of friends and family who are childless for many different reasons, who all have happy & fulfilled lives, its just hard when you desperately want to be a mummy.
Take care and I wish you a happy & health like however that looks x
Hi, I just happened to saw this post and wanted to offload. I'm absolutely devastated to say that we went for very last treatment two weeks ago and took a test last Saturday which was negative. I'm struggling in how dealing with this as we both agree that's the end of it no more treatment. We have 8 year old daughter and I'm devastating at the thought not giving her a sibling. Going through so many emotions. I have said before starting the treatment that if it doesn't work I have to accept this is it but I'm struggling 😪😢
I'm so sorry to hear this. How we think we have to feel and how we actually feel are often at logger heads, it is still so fresh for you. I hope you can give yourself time and space to process things, maybe in time it'll feel lighter for you but that probably feels completely inconceivable right now and that is understandable. Go slow. Sending support, you're not alone. x
Thanks for replying, I just can't understand why I have this strong feeling of wanting another baby. We've got beautiful daughter who is abs my everything. I just feel like I'm in a grief and concern I'll not snap out if it 😕 I'm dreading the thought of her going back to school and I just get this empty feeling and so lost
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I am 3 transfers away (3 last frosties) from also moving forward and abandoning IVF journey. 
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Failed IVF and the end of the journey
End of the road - its BFN. 
After 5 failed donor egg transfers it's the end of the road
