Help! Birthday party with kids??

[DJ202]

Hi all,

My partner is planning his birthday party and has just invited friends to our home in a few weeks. Now a couple of them, close friends of his, are asking if they can bring their children. They have a small toddler and a newborn which by the time of the event will be 2 months. I'm finding it really hard to imagine having to host an event with babies present when I've just been through 3 rounds of ivf and another miscarriage, hoping to be able to do a transfer soon. Now I don't know how to approach it as I don't want to make the friends feel like they're not welcome. My partner says he can talk to them and explain the situation. I feel very uncomfortable. I think I could perhaps put myself through it with the kids around, although I'm really doubtful how good this would be for me. Please can you share any advice? I'm really upset and worried, don't know what to do! Thank you xxx

[Boo718]

I found that being honest was the best, for us anyway. I struggled to be around little ones for a wee while and I just said I’m finding it a bit hard. The parents were really understanding. I spoke to a councillor to just to get some extra support xxx

[Hoping20]

Hi there, I’m sorry to hear about your failed IVF and losses. It’s truly heartbreaking. With regards to your hubbies birthday, I would try to be honest with his friends with the kids. You need to look after yourself right now and if they’re true friends they will understand your feelings and situation. Infertility, loss and having to go through IVF is such a hard journey...we should never underestimate what we have been through and should always try to put our feelings first. I hope you do manage to come to some sort of resolution and enjoy hubbies birthday. Take care x

[Fruitandflowers]

I went to a BBQ with in-laws when I'd just had my second early loss from IVF to celebrate my SIL's second pregnancy announcement - turns out I would have been due at the same time as her. We haven't told anyone about TTC let alone IVF so there wasn't really anything to say. But for some reason the children and babies don't seem to upset me - if anything I find them far easier than the adults as all the kids care about is Peppa Pig whereas the adults say and ask pretty insensitive things. I find other people's pregnancies harder - like that's what I could be but I've failed, and their children and babies aren't mine; difficult to explain. But if it upsets you and you've told people about your infertility struggles and losses, then they should just understand. I think we grin and bear a lot that we can't do much about and if you have some choice and ability not to be in a situation that upsets you, don't be just for the sake of others. They will hopefully understand and may not even be bothered - lots of celebrations are no kids and sometimes the parents are even pleased with the excuse not to bring them.

[Hopecontinues]

Hey there, You've been through a really tough time and you deserve to enjoy your partners birthday and not suffer it, they will understand. If you find this difficult, have a listen to a Brene Brown podcast on boundaries.

I also agree with others comments. If you're honest, it should also help with the other problem of people constantly talking/moaning about their kids.

You matter! Your mental health matters and hopefully next year will be a different story. Enjoy the party 🥳

[Twiglet2]

Could you/he not just say it’s a ‘grown up party’ with alcohol etc then you don’t have to explain anything or feel uncomfortable? I’m sure they could find a babysitter or just one of them could go? I would totally understand if someone told me they were looking for a more grown up vibe at the party and probably why they are asking about the kids to see if it’s that sort of party or not? It stops you being stuck between ‘do I put up with it when it might upset me’ and ‘do I tell them about the reason and then we all feel awkward’. They might enjoy the party more without the kids and if they were the only ones going to be there then the kids will probs have a better time elsewhere anyway (although mum might not want to leave tiny baby yet so she might not come for all of the party, especially if breast feeding). Sometimes you do have to put yourself first 🤗 but you don’t always have to divulge personal info to do that I found xx

[hoping2021]

I don’t think you need to give an explanation. Unless they’ve been through the heartache they are unlikely to understand. Just do what you want. If you don’t want children there you are perfectly allowed to to say so. There is so little we can control on the fertility journey but how you celebrate your husband’s birthday isn’t one of them! The other thing is, there is no way you are going to have their attention with a 2 month old present. I hated meeting friends with young children as they never listened, constantly had one eye on the children and were distracted (this is the adults Im referring to - not the children) … it’s only now that their kids are older that we can begin to have normal conversations where they are interested in other peoples lives again.

[DJ202]

Hi all, thanks so much for your kind and compassionate responses! It's so comforting to hear that it's OK to look after myself and put myself first! Can you believe i had even considered to go away for the weekend so my partner's friends could bring all their kids? Doing everything for the sake of others. It's so hard to focus on yourself when your default option is to please others!I've asked my partner to make explicit it's an evening event, and lo and behold, the friends decided they'll leave their kids at home! I'm feeling really relieved we didn't have to have this difficult situation. I think if there's one thing that fertility struggles teach us is to set some boundaries and stick to them. It's not an easy lesson learned but certainly worthwhile! Thanks so much everyone and happy weekend! xx