Why do I keep kidding myself!

[lnf17]

Hi all,

Feeling down today & didn’t know where else to go…aren’t use the lucky ones 😂

I don’t know why I do this, after 6 yrs of TTC & only falling pregnant once naturally that ended in an early miscarriage 😭, why do I still have months where I convince myself I’m pregnant!!

This has been one of those months. I have a v.regular cycle & this month I started spotting a wk b4 my period was due…which has NEVER happened (apart from during 2ww). My boobs got so sore & I let myself begin 2 think it was implantation bleeding. I knew deep down that it wasn’t put there’s always that lil voice 😈 that was like maybe…just maybe….

So I’d decided 2day was the day I was gonna do a test….go 2 take the test & I have my period 😭😭

I have now spent the last 4 hrs in tears on the couch & beating myself up 4 actually letting myself believe it might be true!

I am so fed up of disappointment & all the waiting.

Sorry for the rant & thank u 4 being here!

Sending love 2 everyone on this journey ❤️❤️xx

[Ranchu90]

Don't blame yourself ...I been there for 6 years also ...did a tonne of hpt's, now I hate them so much that I cannot be bothered even to look at them anymore. I am the lucky one who got pregnant after 4 IVF cycles and I can say the wound is somehow healed but the scar will stay there forever. It is important not lose your hopes and you have to remain positive...there are days and days but hope must remain with you ...Take care and a massive hug from me 🤗

[lnf17 in reply to Ranchu90]

Many thanks for your response & congrats on your pregnancy 💖xx

[Rosesssss in reply to Ranchu90]

Many congratulations ❤🥰

[Ranchu90 in reply to Rosesssss]

Many thanks 🥰

[MrsOrangejuice]

I've been there - seven years. At first my periods were a mess coming off the pill, so I thought I'll just wait for that to settle and it'll just happen and one day I'll remember i'm late and test and it will be such a lovely surprise, like in the adverts... After a couple of years I was pretty regular so I didn't need to test, but then thought maybe we weren't really 'trying' trying, and just needed to get serious. Then I started spotting before periods and having some longer cycles and I got excited it was implantation (thank you Google) - and that was a nice feeling for a few days - then when period eventually came I wondered if it had been a chemical, so we would just keep merrily trying as maybe we were just unlucky and maybe something was happening. Fast forward to having lost all hope but exhausted all investigations (endo gone, not PCOS, everything unexplained...) and I didn't even want to think about the possibility that it had happened anymore because each month it's just too sad. But that little voice is there going, oh but maybe this month... you do seem unusually tired... the spotting seems different to last month...maybe just buy a test, you don't have to actually do it yet... oh BFN, well maybe it's just too early... Never happened. Even ridiculously between an early loss after my first fresh transfer this year and starting another round, I tested as my in-between natural cycle was a bit long, and although I was spotting as usual, I'd read that you are more fertile immediately after a loss. BFN obvs. I basically spent years in denial, or angry at myself, and generally sad. But also that little bit of hope and the voice made me keep going, start IVF and spend all our money, do who knows what to my physical and mental health, and in the meantime smile and congratulate everyone else's announcements, buy the christening gifts, and just keep my tears to myself (and my poor old cats who do not like the soggy mess). And now I am finally and hopefully, nearly in my third trimester, so I am (begrudgingly) grateful to the little voice for not letting me lose hope entirely x

[lnf17 in reply to MrsOrangejuice]

Many thanks for your response & congrats on your pregnancy 💖xx

[Daffodils140]

I’m so sorry. It’s horrible when your own body plays tricks on you. However that hope will translate into resilience and perseverance during your IVF treatments. Hoping that 2022 is your year! xxxx

[Hoping20]

Hi there, I can totally relate to your post as I’m in the same boat after many years of TTC. Our bodies have a way of playing tricks on us and I know it’s devastating when each month our period decides to show its face. Let yourself be sad and angry. And when those feelings pass, be kind to yourself. Try to do something that will put a smile on your face. I know our hope gets shattered every month but without hope we won’t keep going or trying to pursue our dreams. We will get there eventually...very soon I “hope”. Take care x

[Sparklylife]

I know how you feel! I let myself believe almost every month, what if this was the month it was meant to happen. Hardly ever did a pregnancy test because period always came like clockwork. Just so disappointing. The few times I were a few days late, hopes would be up even more… I did a test.. think once my period was 3-4 days late, never really happened.. but I did two pregnancy tests in the years we were trying and both were negative and my period would start a few hours later. We just never fell pregnant naturally, but also no answer as to why it would not happen. I also recall after we started fertility tests, I think it was the sonographer who said after my HyCoSy scan.. you will probably fall pregnant now as many do. As my tubes were “flushed”. Although nothing wrong with them to begin with.. I still let myself believe even more.. but no. I think sadly we have to.. you have to keep hoping. You got to let yourself believe, but it is also very difficult to do that as you are so vulnerable and it is heartbreaking.

No advice, but just wanted to send you a virtual hug! You are not alone in this! And letting yourself believe, is hard, but so brave.. I really do wish you all the best!!! 🧡

[lnf17 in reply to Sparklylife]

Thank you for your response. Im sorry for the struggle you’re going through aswell.Sometimes I wish they would find something to say this is why it’s not happening for us, but they can’t. That’s what makes me wanna scream the most!

Hugs to you 2! We always find the strength 2 keep going 💪 💞

[Rosesssss]

Feeling very sorry for you.😭 i can understand your feeling. I am going through the same phase. 1st ivf cycle failed now waiting for the 2nd one its such a long waiting thats is killing me. I was so hopefull for my pregnancy even my embryologist was very happy and she was 100% sure that definitely you will get pregnant but on otd my result came negative thats was so shocking for me..now its been 6 months still i cant stop my tears😭😭😭

[lnf17 in reply to Rosesssss]

Thank you for your response & im so sorry for your negative test. It is so so hard when it doesn’t work & we somehow have to find the strength to keep going. But we do & you will.I always find the waiting the hardest. Once things start moving I feel like I’m actually doing something 2 help get this dream of ours.

Wishing lots of luck on your next round & sending massive hugs 💖xx

[Rosesssss]

Thanks love..❤ wish u too very very best of luck for the next time🤲