Feeling sorry for myself (a lot)

[Joeysjourney]

Hi everyone. Not even sure why I'm writing this or what I want anyone to say. After my negative test on Sunday I've just felt nothing but grief and doom and panic.

It was my first ivf round at age 40 after unexplained infertility (13 eggs retrieved, 2 fertilitised, 2 implantated at day 3) and I've got into a terrible negative head space that it won't work for me and I'm not the type of person that gets so lucky. We've been trying for 5 years and I've never been pregnant. Not once in my life.

I'd hoped the low fertility rate explained my issues and that the implantation might actually work for me.

I realise another cycle will be more informed. I realise I've still time. I feel so panicked at the thought of never having children and yet so panicked at the thought of pursuing it through ivf. I'm so worried another cycle will end up with no embryos to transfer. I wish I'd known earlier how challenging this would be.

If I go again, I will ask many more questions. I think first time I had blind naivety it would work and I just forged ahead - there are so many tests they didn't perform - I don't know my amh, I don't know anything about my lining, I don't really know much! I think icsi would be my next plan given low fertility rate and age. But I'm honestly wondering if there's any point and if I should just move to donor eggs given the stats. I want to turn back the clock.

Sorry if people are reading this looking for positive vibes, I just don't have any.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to lie down in a dark room with a duvet over me 😂😂

[minnesota_girl]

Hi Joey, I'm so sorry you had a negative cycle. Hopefully you'll have seen a lot of posts from women who are in that space where we haven't been successful on the first cycle, or even multiple cycles after that. I'm personally on my 4th cycle, now using DE. I think everyone has that 'oh hopefully it's just a little issue and IVF will give me the kickstart I need'. And for some people that's true, luckily. But for a lot of us it isn't, and then we hit hard on that first negative.

Every negative is hard. I took pretty decent pauses between each cycle because I needed time to feel the natural lows, and try and let myself recover - and there's no right way to do that!

What I will say is that from my own experiences and some of the women I've gotten to know on this forum, it is absolutely incredible the resilience that people have shown, and that I've felt myself.

Lie down with the duvet, take all the time you need. I guess I'm just letting you know that I've been there and I've seen others who have been through rougher journeys than me, and I've seen them smile and feel more like themselves again, and it will happen. And none of those women have had successful cycles yet - I just think that's important to see people that are recovering in this space without having had the positive result yet.

A few practical things for when you're ready:

1. every cycle is informed by the one before and they will have more ideas

2. look at vitamin supplements, DHEA I took for example before my 3rd cycle and I got to blastocyst stage and even got a BFP which sadly ended in chemical

3. ICSI should hopefully help fertilisation so important to ask about that- has your partner been tested for fragmentation etc? Is your partner taking vitamins?

4. One of the best things I started to wrap my head around is that if you do move to DE, age matters less. So don't feel you're running out of time if you want to try another cycle before DE. That decision can be there for you for awhile, if you need it.

💗

[Joeysjourney in reply to minnesota_girl]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm sorry to hear about your own struggles and I appreciate your insight so much. Every knock is hard and I think I find it harder to see my husband so upset too.

With regards to your points above

1. Im hoping they've lots more ideas!

2. I bought a load of supplements - prenacare, conceive plus, omega 3, vit D, folic, vitaldha and coq10. I honestly don't really know what im doing but these were the ones that seemed to come up on lots of posts

3. Definitely aiming for icsi this time. No husband hasn't been tested for fragmentation but I've been researching that and I've asked him to go for a test. Do you know what kind of treatment there is for it? I have also ordered conceive plus for men for him - anything else he should take?

4. Thank you for that, I definitely am panicking about my age. And kicking myself, so I needed to hear that.

Joey xxx

[minnesota_girl in reply to Joeysjourney]

Hey Joey - speak to your doc about DHEA. you have to get them from America but I was on them for 3 months before my cycle and it seemed to really help!

I'm 42 now, started IVF process at 40, so I am with you on the wanting to turn back time. But as my husband is always telling me, time is what we make it - we're just working to a slightly different journey than lots of people. My doctor told me in terms of DE that your pregnancy is defined by the age of the eggs, not the gestational age. And that there's no issue with DE well into 50 for women, so it's more our own concept of how we want to be parents and when, rather than biology (provided there isn't an issue with carrying).

My husband took wellman conception, but he didn't have fragmentation. It's definitely a good idea to get him tested so you have more info going into the second cycle.

I always felt a bit better after having the follow-up with the doc - i hope you do too xxx

[Millbanks]

I think most of us here have felt that feeling of panic. It's a truly awful, debilitating feeling. I'm also 100% with you on the "I'm just not that lucky" feeling. It's the worst side of experiencing these difficulties. Like you I just thought it would work first time, as we'd had my tubes clipped which was what was seemingly causing the problem - not so!

4 egg collections and 6 transfers later, we finally got a BFP....

BUT as minnesota_girl says, each cycle we learned something new - we added in extra tests and changed things for each new transfer, so although it felt like a long route, we were given renewed hope each time that we were getting all the pieces in the right place.

In a way, the 6th transfer had the most pressure of all, as we had made so many changes - if that one hadn't worked then I'm not sure where we would have gone next!

Also, I know age can be a factor, but we had different success through different cycles in no particular order. The first cycle we had a lot of eggs, but conversely not so many embryos, the second cycle was a disaster. The 3rd cycle was the best and the 4th was ok. So it doesn't follow that your cycles will get progressively worse as you get older.

I never did very well with having a break to be honest (everyone is different). I felt much better when I was researching, planning ahead, and cracking on.

But take the time you need to get your head in to the right space. xxx

[Hidden]

Oh lovely, so sorry you are feeling this way. It really is quite normal. After so many years TTC you really hope IVF will be the magic fix, and in a way your first round is the one you invest the most in mentally and emotionally as its all new and so many hurdles to get through.

Minnesota Girl and Millbanks have given you some great advice. One of the ways I found as a coping mechanism was to try and take control of as much as I could, like starting on supplements, my diet etc. Reading up on tests and what's worked for others etc. So I felt like when I was talking to my clinic I was really well informed and understood my options. You will have a follow up appointment and I often found that was the start of me starting to feel better as its like you start planning again.. whilst its all so out of your control it just feels scary and horrible.

Its quite normal to feel so worried and panicked by things because these are such big issues we are dealing with.. literally life changing.. and its not often in life we don't have control over things.

Does your clinic offer counselling? I would definitely recommend it. But for now you should absolutely have your duvet day or duvet week, treat yourself to things you can't do when you are doing IVF, maybe book a spa day, have a massage, drink til you can't stand up or overdose on caffeine and sugar.. whatever it is you do it.. and finally you will start to feel a little better and out of nowhere you will probably feel your fight come back and ready to take it on again but determined this time for it to be the BFP round. Hugest hugs xx

[Joeysjourney in reply to Hidden]

I've just read your post and I'm in awe of you and your resilience. Not only that but for you to have the kindness to try and help me when you're in the middle of all this and honestly my issues are nothing compared to what you've been through.

As I'm such a newbie I don't have a lot of advice but I wanted to tell you you're amazing and I wish you all the happiness in the world x

I was funded through the NHS this time so it's a 3 month wait for a review appointment. So I'm charging ahead with private and I've bought loads of supplements and am researching lifestyle changes. There's just so much out there to consider. Xx

[Hidden in reply to Joeysjourney]

Not at all - I think the first failure is the hardest and I so remember the depths of despair. The only way I coped was to crack on with my second round straight away as I felt like I was doing something positive.. sounds like you have been really productive and I think going private makes a lot of sense. Its so rubbish we have the age pressure as well - especially when none of it is our fault - we just weren't in the position to have children earlier. Huge hugs xx

[Joeysjourney]

Thanks a million for all this and major congratulations on your bfp! This is the kind of news we love to hear!

I'm glad and sad at the same time that I'm not alone on this journey and with my fears. I'm sorry that we're all having to push through these challenges. Very interesting on how you manipulated your cycles and changed tactics. I often wonder how many moves there are to make but maybe there's more than i thought.

I'd really love to speak to my consultant about my treatment but I can't get an appt for 3 months on the NHS so I'm pressing ahead with private (and guess what, it's the same consultant). I think I need to keep moving as I'm not getting any younger xxx

[MagicTourmaline]

I am really sorry about your negative test... 😪I think everybody goes into the first cycle with great hope... I was devastated after my first fail for months, I didnt think I could ever get over it...

Don't give up... ❤ Keep in mind that in every cycle you do, they will learn something which will help to get better result...

Don't let the disappointment be stronger then your hope... ❤

[Fertilityjourney]

Hi there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. IVF is very challenging but we're all here with you. And you are allowed to feel how you are feeling.

Here are my thoughts:

- Your AMH must be good enough to have had NHS funding

-You responded well to meds and 13 eggs is great!

- Your lining would have been good to have transferred

-You are 40 but we can't do anything about our age sadly. And now is the right time to start our family. I just did my second round aged 42.3 and had more follicles and eggs and a top quality graded egg almost 1 year after my first cycle with a lower AMH... (I did a short rather than long protocol second time round.)

- Your fertilisation rate is low - that could possibly signal the 'unexplained' part of your puzzle. But this can hopefully be solved with ICSI

Your doc will tell you their thoughts on sperm/egg quality and what your.day 3 embryos were graded at. And will recommend next steps. Then you can start to plan and move forwards.

It's so so tough but hang on in there. As others have mentioned, counselling is a really good way of talking through everything. Accupuncture, reflexology and hypnopherapy have been so helpful for me too.

Big hugs xx

[Joeysjourney in reply to Fertilityjourney]

Thank you millions for your reply, that is all really helpful to hear. Congratulations on your recent round, hoping to hear some positive news!

I booked in for my first ever acupuncture on Monday night - definitely worth a shot, if only to calm my anxiety. Also gonna do a mini overhaul of my diet and use of particular products - not going the full 'it starts with the egg' route as it gave me massive anxiety so I'm just gonna stick to whats possible, common sense and 80/20 rule.

A very stressful and challenging journey for us all, I'd underestimated the impact that single line would have on me. I'm actually so grateful to have messaged this forum and the wise and kind support I've received.

[Fertilityjourney in reply to Joeysjourney]

Ahhh, this forum is brilliant as IVF is a minefield! 💕

Thank you. Egg collection 3 and then transfer(did a banking cycle in Sept) coming up in Nov so 🤞🤞

I've read that book and I agree, a common sense approach is right! I was really strict the first time, knocking out alcohol completely etc. This time I was much more relaxed and enjoyed a few cheeky red wines and takeaways and was much happier for it!! I did however take Coq10 and vit d, a prenatal and omega 6 which I do think helps...

Enjoy your accupuncture (my hands go sweaty at first as I hate needles 😂) but then it's great. I hope your review goes well. Xx