Has anyone else felt this way whilst going through fertility challenges/IVF? I was recently promoted at work which happened to coincide with my husband and I finding out that he wasn't producing any sperm.
My new job has been extremely demanding and since July, I've kind of just been powering on. I have been open with my manager who has been very supportive but they are also incredibly busy and so I don't really get much time with them.
Before Christmas, I was thinking some time off would probably help me to reset and come back feeling fresh but if anything it's made things worse as I'm now back at work and feeling the exact same as I did end of last year - exhausted and overwhelmed. As though I'm just not coping as well as I usually would.
I spoke to my manager about it and I've dialed down my work a bit, which has helped, but now I just feel like a failure. Like I can't handle my new role, like I am letting the team down at a really busy time and like I'm being lazy. I have plenty to get on with but I find myself working through things at a much slower rate. It's like my head is just not in the work game at the moment.
Sorry for the long post, not necessarily looking for answers, just hoping that I am not the only one who has felt this way! x
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RoseLodge32
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You are certainly not a failure in work, you got promoted, you’re a superstar 💫
I can really relate to how you’re feeling however. With my first miscarriage (right after the start of Covid), I took 6 weeks off and then going back to work was a really difficult process for me. Whilst I’d smile through every meeting, inside I was crumbling. By the following year, come the May time I’d had three unsuccessful transfers (one being an early miscarriage/CP). I was in a bad place. I remember going back to work and just breaking down to my line manager who was nothing but supportive. My head just wasn’t in the game, I was mentally exhausted and felt like I had totally lost my way and my confidence.
In the June, I started a new cycle and tried to work through it but it just was too demanding alongside my job at that time that was also demanding (incl., long hours and weekends). I felt like I was failing at both because I wasn’t able to give 100 percent to both and it was making me more stressed. So I called my GP and they signed me off work with stress leave. I had pre-warned my manager that I was struggling with the intensity of work so in a way, they could have prevented me going off all together by reducing my workload.
It was the best decision I made because I could then just focus on my treatment and I put work to the side. I ended up taking more time off than planned as I developed severe OHSS but when I did go back, I just picked up where I left off and eventually got back into the swing off things.
My line manager once said to me that in ten years time, I won’t be thinking about the job that I did. I’ll be thinking about all that I did to help my treatment along because at the end of the day, that’s what matters the most. Not work, not anything else but trying to create the family I had so desperately dreamed off.
So if more time is needed and you’re able to do so, then take a break to focus on you and focus on your treatment. If you’re not able to do that, can you relinquish some of your responsibilities to relieve any stress?
I think it’s all about finding the balance that works for you. I know other ladies on here that say work is good for them, a welcome distraction and that’s amazing. For me, it didn’t quite feel that way and so I was honest with work and I did what I felt was best for me.
Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your experience! It's comforting to know that it's not just me who has felt this way. I can completely relate to not being able to give 100% to both work and treatment. Most days my head feels scrambled, work tasks that would usually be so easy, feel so difficult. It feels like a while since I've had a productive day but maybe I need to shift my view slightly of what is productive for me currently.
It's good that your manager was so supportive. Although it doesn't completely take away the feelings of guilt, it helps to have someone in the know that you have other things going on (more important things!).
I have stepped back from one big project which was very stressful. It's helped but now I just feel so anxious as I'm hyper aware that the work hasn't disappeared, rather has gone to someone else and I'm constantly worrying that people think I am doing a bad job.
I think I just need to be really open with my manager about how I'm feeling. Even having that chat makes me feel like a burden! 🤦♀️ xx
Don’t worry what others think of you… I was worrying about this for a while but then reminded myself that I was going through a lot, and yes everyone has their own stuff going on and it’s all relative, but I was looking after me because I knew I couldn’t juggle the weight I was carrying and sometimes you have to make what may appear to selfish decisions to others for the sake of your own sanity and mental health. That said, I can guarantee if people knew what you were going through, they’d tell you not to worry, put you first. It’s why we have teams to support one another 💛
You’re not a burden, you’re protecting yourself xx
I felt exactly the same, I actually took a sideways step to a new dept whilst TTC, and I had considered not changing depts because of TTC. The stress of my then job was too much, so I thought moving depts would help reduce stress. 2 months later I found out about our fertility issues and since then my head has not been in the game… I got a positive test around Christmas and even with this great news, my love for my job has still not reappeared. Having a baby became my no. 1 priority and it’s stuck. You’ve been honest with your manager which is key - they’d rather that than you sink and they uncover an array of issues or mistakes at a later date. A lot of employees go through hardship and sometimes it’s not until months down the line that you hear about it and their reduced responsibilities or hours. Work is another thing to beat yourself up about, but you’ve done the right things so far and I’m sure will continue to speak up if it all gets way too much, if you have good employers they will continue to support you xx
Thanks so much for replying and congratulations! It's hard isn't it, moving roles in the midst of all of this! You want to prove yourself and show that you are capable of doing a great job but I often have days where I just cannot get into it, especially if I have had a consultation that day or a scan. It's very difficult to just shift back into work mode.
I think you're right, all I can be is honest with my manager about how I am feeling and hopefully we can continue to make adjustments, whether that's lessening my workload or stepping back completely for a bit.
It's like I've stepped back from a huge project at work which has helped with my stress but now I've swapped it out with anxiety!
It is a comfort however to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I think I need to start giving myself the advice and empathy I would to anyone else going through this! xx
You definitely do! I’m saying all of this like I’m not still anxious about my lack of motivation in work 😆 we all need to practice what we preach. But it’s that pride and the fear of colleagues whisperings that seems to overhang. But we have to keep reminding ourselves about what is no. 1! Xx
Hi, yes I can totally relate. First of all you aren't a failure as you got a promotion and you are managing to excel at your job during a torrid time. But I wanted to also say I hear you and I feel exactly the same.
My situation is a little different, I haven't told anyone at work I was doing IVF (boys club and would ruin my career). I have had a pretty horrible 6 years of TTC as so many people on here have.
Really I should be awarding myself with a gold star for just keeping going and work not having the slightest idea any of this has been going on. But to be honest failing to become a mother - even when IVF fixes it for everyone else - has left me feeling a complete failure in life. I have lost all mojo for work whereas before I really excelled. I can't cope with things I could have coped with a long time ago. My reactions tend to be overly emotional and slightly irrational and I take everything personally. I can't dial back as no one knows whats going on and its not the sort of job I could do that anyway (target driven). But in truth even if I did I would feel a failure for having to do that.
I guess what I am saying is I think its perfectly normal. I don't have a solution but for whats its worth I think you are a legend x
Thank you, I think you are legend!! It must be tough going through IVF whilst working in that sort of environment.
I can completely relate re feeling overly emotional. The smallest things make me well up at the moment. I also find myself getting irritated when minor issues are discussed at work. I often find myself thinking, 'I don't care!! This isn't an issue!', I've just had a million syringes and needles delivered to my home! It's such a strange experience to try and manage alongside the demands of work.
I'm so glad I've got somewhere like here to just vent! Friends and family can be supportive but when they haven't been through something similar, it's hard for them to 100% relate. x
OMG I literally was going to write that line!! I spent the whole time screaming inside 'I DON'T CARE .....' about everything, I still feel like that now. I also have a few issues with men 'offering me their newborn' because they are having a hellish time and could I babysit so they could go to the pub ho ho ho.. type comments and I could literally deck them all x
Sorry jumping in on this thread to same ME TOO! I suddenly Don’t care about issues about stupid request for me to do things I’m thinking - you do it😂 All I care about is I’m on this rollercoaster ride that means more than jobs, business, making money, sending emails, living to work … I just want this Ivf to work so badly - also it puts life into perspective - what matters to me… wouldn’t it be funny for all of us to shout I DONT CARE in the office or over teams 😂😂 hmmm Maybe best I keep doing it in my head lol
Hahaha I 100% have thought the same re 'you do it!'. Good job my colleagues can't see me eye rolling their emails! I would loveeeeee to just be like 'yeahhhhhh I don't actually care about this right now.' 😂 I'm glad this thread is now making me chuckle! xx
🤣🤣 You watch, come Monday you won’t be feeling all - oh am I failing at what I do, you will be cracking up thinking “you do it” “I donnnnnnt caaaaaree” and yep you over there “do it yourself” 😂💜
Just want to jump in on the “I don’t care!” Band wagon! This exactly how I’ve been feeling at work with minor issues. I’m on my first round right now, jabbing myself every morning, hoping this will work and every meeting I feel is so trivial compared to what I’m going through. My emotions are everywhere so that doesn’t help. Thank you all for sharing and making me feel like I’m not alone x
You are definitely not alone! I remember after my first counselling session having to go straight onto a work call afterwards (I'd never done counselling before so didn't realise that this was an awful idea), that was my ultimate 'I don't care!' moment. At least now, when I feel that way I can have a laugh about it, knowing that there are many more of us out there thinking the exaaacctttt same thing! xx
I was signed off in the end, I was verging on saying something to clients about their lifestyle choices 😑 I just couldn't function properly and looking back, I was completely burnt out by what we had going off, I didn't have anything to give xx
I've felt like this on multiple occasions. The smallest things can trigger me and make me feel so overwhelmed. I've also (luckily) never experienced poor mental health so it's taken me a while to actually recognise that something is up and is taking me even more time to know what the hell to do about it!
Sorry that you got to that point and I hope that the time out gave the space to look after and rebuild yourself! xx
it gave me a break to just focus on the treatment, I've been signed off again this time, I'd had 3 weeks ago, was back at work week after transfer and although in a different role, we have no staff and the pressure made me think sod this, I'm number 1 and I'm not getting to the point I was at last time. You need to do what's right for you, taking the time out was by far the best choices I've made xx
I just wanted to say that I understand. I haven’t been motivated for many years now since TTC took over my life. Other things have happened in my life since which have re focused my priority to move forward again with IVF and focus on me. I know how you feel about feeling like a failure. I don’t have anything to say to make you feel better but just want to say you are not alone in feeling that way xx
Thank you <3 you just sharing your experience definitely helps me to feel less alone! And I am sure I will get to the answer and work out what works for me in time. I hope you are doing ok xx
I love this post and all the comments. I can relate to so much of it. I had to cover for my boss for 6 weeks last year and do my own job and then an audit happened and then they promoted me and it was all quite overwhelming. I spent all my holiday allowance on ivf appointments and was completely burnt out without being able to tell them. I'm laughing at the "I don't care" comment because that literally got me through. The other thing is when someone in your team messages to say they won't be working because they have some trivial ailment like an upset stomach and you want to shout - I worked through OHSS, you can work through this, but instead you write back - I hope you feel better soon.
Anyway, you stay strong, be kind to yourself and ask for what you need. Good luck on your ivf journey, I hope you get your bundle of joy. X
Thank you so much. I've not had the 'I won't be working' one yet, but I'll looking forward to that ha!
That's a lot to deal with whilst going through IVF plus OHSS! I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that and didn't feel like you could speak to anyone about it. There really needs to be better (or any!) work policies in place to support people going through this process. It hits you in so many different ways. I've found that sometimes just having to process why I am feeling a certain way can be exhausting in itself!
We are all so strong. Reading all the replies on this thread have been truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing <3
You are not a failure and you are actually really inspiring to have had the conversation with your manager and recognise that you needed to dial down your workload. They alternative was probably you becoming really unwell and not being able to work at all so actually you are helping them a lot by taking care of yourself so I wouldn’t worry about being ‘a failure’ at all 🤗
I felt like this at a point and I personally found it wasn't actually anything at work that could help or change, I had to work through what was in my head for things to get better. There are parts of this journey that are defo like grief and I would imagine that news could have been one of them…. My personal way was some meditating IVF apps (never meditated before in my life!) and articles online and starting to take one things one step at a time rather than all the way to a baby being born, but we are all different and different things may help you (clinic counsellor, walking/exercise, time off etc) but I would defo recommend whatever it is that will help you, you don’t feel guilty about taking the time for you and your hubby too 🤗 because not only are you more important than work, it’s also the best way to be the best you can be for work and all other parts of your life 💐 again well done for having that hard convo, I wish I had done that too xx
Thank you <3 it was a bit awkward ugly crying over video call to my manager (lol) but it has 100% helped having that one person at work knowing what I'm dealing with right now.
I feel increasingly how you do/did in terms of there maybe not being anything that work can do to help. Momentarily, my stress levels dropped when I was taken off a project but then I this week I had two medical appointments which meant I couldn't focus on work and so started feeling guilty/lazy. I think you are right in that sometimes it's not work (or not just work) but rather what's going on in your head and you needing to process it.
Thanks for sharing what helped you. I've never tried meditation before but my clinic actually has someone who runs sessions so maybe I will look into that. I'm also now seeing a counselor on a weekly basis and just bought a really great book called 'The IVF Positivity Planner'. This has helped me map out the things that make me happy and I enjoy doing so I can ensure that I making time for them just putting these to paper has been really good! xx
Hello, I can really relate with this and I'm glad you are bringing it up because I also thought I was the only one struggling at work.
I wonder if speaking with your manager again and suggesting an Occupational Help referral might help, if that's available to you?
I did that with work (I work in HR for a University). I explained to my manager that I'm not always coping and the mental exhaustion of treatment means that I'm slower. I put it in a positive light. I said I was worried about it getting worse, that it is preventative and might help me find strategies to cope better. Since then some work has been taken away and work has hired a temp to take some of the load. I feel bad but it was right and needed.
Think about what's right for you to help you manage. The last thing work will want is for things to get so bad that you have to get signed off.
It would seem we are definitely not alone on this one! How funny, I also work in HR!
I feel exactly the same. Everything is just taking me sooooo much longer to complete, especially on a day/in a week where I have appointment(s). My brain just will not switch back to work mode!
That's really good that they brought in a temp to support. I think you are right about having a follow-up conversation. I am definitely going to speak with my manager again next week and just be honest about how I am feeling and say that I just don't have 100% focus on work right now. I like your approach in framing it in a positive way i.e. that any measures that can be put in place will be preventative.
I know I should know this (being HR and that)...but I actually don't know if my work have occupational health! Something I can maybe ask about though, then I'll know for me and any employees who might ask me in the future.😂
I so needed to see this post today as after 4 failed rounds of ivf, tests and heartache galore the feeling that I’m failing at work has tipped me over the edge this week. I’m always impressed by the comments by women who find work a welcome distraction as that hasn’t been my experience at all. I took time off with each of my rounds after egg collection as I just couldn’t handle both.
My job is super demanding, long hours and quite emotionally demanding. My boss knows what I’ve been through and I think they try to relate but then also make comments about me not being quite myself which I’m sure they don’t mean to, but kind of comes across as criticism. I found this really hard as I feel like I’ve literally got nothing else to give and been hanging on by my finger nails for a couple of years now. Even though my last and possibly final cycle was 6 months ago my head is still wrecked from the whole process. So just know you are not alone at all in feeling like this and I really think it’s important to raise awareness of this issue and the risk to mental health the pressure we can face to plough on creates. Sending love. X
You are so right about just ploughing on! I feel as though I've been on autopilot for such a long time and now all of a sudden it's hit me and my brain and body are like noooppppeeeeee we need space to breathe!
That would annoy me so much if someone was like 'you don't seem like yourself' 😐 - you don't say! Imagine if people actually knew the full ins and outs of what this process entails, I don't think they would ever make comments like that again!
I think you are incredibly strong you have faced what you have. Thank you so much for sharing and making me feel less alone! xx
Hi, Your feeling are normal. Myself with counselling I found by stepping back from personal feeling, viewing my life in the 3rd Party I was able to separate private thinking from work. Also changing what I hadn't done which some me time mid wk. Went swimming or Cinema or Healing and a drink after work with someone from the Office but not with normal the same regulars I was friendly with. There are many reasons why people have issues with trying for a child. Enjoy each other, look outward remember this stress is caused by you with over thinking. Once a friend said to me 'when I get stressed I turn on the spot 3 times take a deep breath and I let out the air slowly, passing my hand over my shoulder. With that stress passed behind me'. Well I thought this was a bit nutty but I tried it and after a few attempts it worked!
I love that suggestion from your friend and will 100% be trying that next time I feel overwhelmed. Good job I work from home though as I may have gotten some funny looks in the office!
Thanks so much for replying and sharing what has worked for you. On viewing life in the 3rd party, my counselor said something similar which was to say to myself, what I would say to a friend/family member who was going through the same thing. It hasn't completely worked yet but I hope that if I continue it will help to reset my thinking and maybe allow me to be a bit kinder to myself.
I'm also going to try and make more time for me and the things I enjoy like you said. I like your idea about doing something mid-week. I often feel like I slog my guts out Monday-Friday and then just feel too knackered to do anything on the weekend! It's good to mix things up and not save recharging your batteries for the two days at the end of the week! xx
I feel exactly the same! I just try and find ways outside of work to relax and ease my mind. Ready for the battle of work and my part time studies, fertilityossues and ivf treatment. It's so hard and I feel burnt out nearly all the time. (Sorry to reant). Could you incorporate working from home 1 or 2 days a week?
Please rant away! I feel like I do that a lot on here 😂
I actually 100% work from home. Sounds crazy but I actually think it has made things worse as I spend so much time indoors and I work where I am also meant to relax. Now that things are starting to open up, I might go back into the office one day a week just to change up my environment and reset my brain a little.
Thanks for sharing what has worked for you. I am definitely going to try and focus more on doing things that help to unwind. With work being so busy recently, I've often found myself waking up, logging on, barely eating, not really logging off, eating and watching an hour of TV and going to bed. No doubt this has really not helped my mental health and I need to look at ways of having a better balance and just getting outside of these four walls more generally!
It is amazing how many of us relate to this feeling and it is again so nice to not to be alone feeling like this! Previously I found work a welcome distraction after my miscarriage (natural conception, early miscarriage). Ivf process on the other hand....the brain fog after the meds, the stress and anxiety it brings - for me it was a totally different level of darkness. I had to have a conversation with my manager as I felt I was failing at everything and needed to tell her why. Our team is under-resourced. I had a bit of an imposter syndrome when got this role last year so it only strengthens this awful feeling of failure and just not doing your bit. IVF was successful and we are incredibly happy and lucky. And I don't want to sound ungrateful, but my 1st trimester has so far been a nightmare, both physically and mentally: brain fog, nausea, sickness, headaches, anxiety. My manager has been great from the word go, we agreed with on a few priorities I need to focus on and dialed back on the rest. She's been a great support and has taken over a few things from me. And although it's a great help, my independent and ambitious self feels crushed. I'm trying to focus on what is REALLY important in life (which is NOT work), as someone said above. Anything that helps to feel better... All the best xx
Thank you so much for sharing and congratulations on your pregnancy (although sorry to hear that you are going through it with all of your symptoms!).
I can completely relate to how you have been feeling! It's like you've taken the words out of my mouth. My team too is under-resourced and so from the get-go my new role has been very hectic. It's quite a step up for me so even in normal circumstances, I could've done with maybe some extra support/coaching from my manager but because she is so busy herself that just hasn't been possible. Throw processing needing to use a donor and IVF into the mix and my word! I now majorly have imposter syndrome and constantly feel like I'm not doing a good enough job or not pulling my weight. I worry that people will think 'what on earth is she working on', 'she's done nothing since she has been here...'. Whether anyone is actually thinking this is a completely different thing, everyone is so busy they probably haven't even noticed that I am not as on the ball as usual!
It's hard to dial work down when you really want to do well and deliver but like you say, I think it's about stepping back and really analysing what is important right now and that is 100% not work! xx
Thank you❤️! And thank you for starting this thread, it really is such a common feeling and I found it so helpful to read others' experiences and takes on this!You are a legend, going through so much in your personal life and still doing your bit (and I'm sure more!) at work and being promoted!
I also tend to be really harsh on myself but someone once advised me to reverse the situation, what would you say to/think of a colleague who was going through something similar? Would you really judge them as you think you're being judged? All the best, fingers crossed for you and I hope it all soon works out xx
I can totally relate to this. I changed jobs - went in to my new job as a very experienced teacher but felt like a newly-qualified - felt like I couldn't handle something I was meant to be good at. Then we also got an azoospermia diagnosis which was tough. Took me a few months to adjust and feel better again. I have since been open with management about our ivf and pregnancy loss (sadly) which has helped. Remember your health is more important than your work. And for me, I would rather have a baby than have my job - I keep telling myself that if I have to take a step back from work. xx
So sorry to hear about your loss and thank you for sharing <3.
I too struggled with our diagnosis, especially as it was at a time where work was really ramping up for me and so I don't think I properly processed it. I think you're right in reminding ourselves of the bigger picture and what is really important. Sometimes when you're in the thick of things and feeling overwhelmed it's easy to forget.
Also, I know that if I left my job tomorrow, there would just be someone else in my place in no time so I really shouldn't come and die for work! xx
Roselodge32 , I have also been struggling with work and feel jobs I could get done quite easily before IVF now stress me out and also take me so much longer. Reading how many woman are going through the same challenges helps to know I'm not alone and there is not something wrong with me. Which is how I have been feeling for over a year.
At the same it is quite alarming how many of us are suffering trying to balance the fertility journey with work. One lady posted the important to raise awareness of this issue and the risk to mental health. I work for the NHS and have done through the pandemic, whilst going through fertility treatment. It is the most difficult experience of my life. As well as dealing with the disappointment that comes with this and the grief.
I too have been given a promotion on a temporary basis at a time while my organisation is going through a transformation. As the manager i am supposed to support the team while we go through this transformation. I feel like a complete fraud as I am just keeping my head above water. My director is aware what I'm going through and that there will be times I have to put appointments and treatment first over work. So I have to remind myself that i did lay my cards on the table before taking the promotion and so really need to stop feeling so guilty.
As I write all this out, I think damn I really should give myself a break and a pat on the back for not losing my sh*t.
You are absolutely not a fraud and you deserve a gazillion pats on the back! My gosh, I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like to be dealing with IVF whilst working for the NHS through a pandemic AND taking on a new role where you manage a team. Wowee.
You are definitely not alone and I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I think we're all amazing, going through what we are whilst managing to function in any other part of our lives. Reading everyone's replies has 100% confirmed that <3 and I agree, there is a real need for better awareness around fertility at work.
I'm so glad we have this platform to share, vent, rant, boost each other up and realise how sick (as in great, although some of us may be feeling sick from all the meds too 😂) we are! xx
Sorry to hear lots of us feel the same way, but the fact that we do is quite reassuring to me personally - maybe this means I'm not going as mad as I thought 🤔
Changes afoot for me at work, which long story short mean I'll need to apply for 2 jobs, both would be a promotion. I should be feeling optimistic and positive, but I really cannot be arsed! That's the only way I know how to put it. I am in the midst of round 3, on the stimulation phase and interviews would be near transfer. I just wanted to be left alone at work for a couple of months, with just the usual level of stress, rather than more stress and added pressure to perform. I'm sincerely doubting that I could do either new job anyway as like many of you also describe 'I don't care' and my head is often not in it.
My partner is equally annoying me, by saying 'just go for them', what harm can it do. 0 appreciation for the negative impacts of stress that I'm trying to keep at bay during treatment. As usual what I consider to be a large life event is trivialised into 'stop making a fuss'. Maybe it's the hormones talking.....
If I wasn't in a cycle, I would love a large glass of wine and a one way ticket to outer Mongolia right about now.
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Feeling like a total wimp
Feeling like a bad friend
Feeling like a failure 😢
Hiding fertility treatment at work 
