Life on hold! Tips on how to be patient?

[HaveFaith1]

My hubby and I have been trying for a baby for four years. Waiting lists, admin errors, Covid-19 and complications have massively dragged the process out and meant we've only had one IVF cycle in that time (which of course, failed).

Although we're all different, I suspect others of you have unfortunately had a similar experience, or worse.

So my question is: how do you cope with the waiting and the uncertainty?! I'm really struggling at the moment.

We've wanted to move house for three years but we know we should wait to see if we can have a child or not first as this will affect the size and location of where we try and buy.

I'm very fortunate to have a fairly good job but I am so ready to try and move up the ladder. And yet I know that's not sensible given future treatment on the horizon. So I feel stuck and bored in my current role.

And the Covid-19 pandemic has made going on holiday a lot harder, hasn't it? I know it sounds like a silly thing to say, given how many people have lost loved ones to this horrible virus. But like many of us, I really, really feel like I need a break, a change of scenery, something to look forward to. But it's not looking like the timings will work out for us.

All in all, I'm feeling angry that my life's been on hold for so long. Please help me cope with this overwhelming feeling!

Love to you all ❤️

[Rain415]

Hi have faith, sorry to hear your first cycle failed. After over two years ttc I decided to stop putting things on hold. I went for the promotion, booked a holiday (which covid unfortunately cancelled). My mindset went to if the best happens then we will work it out. The big things like house move more difficult but book the holiday if your able to 🍸🥂. Ivf and fertility is so hard and feels like it has consumed a good chunk of your life. X

[HaveFaith1 in reply to Rain415]

Hi Rain, thank you. Well done for going for the promotion and trying for a holiday anyway! I'm debating moving my annual leave if my boss allows it and taking a chance on a break somewhere. Sending you lots of luck in your fertility journey X

[Unicorn787]

I understand your feelings. I have been ttc for nearly three years. I’ve had 7 miscarriages and last Friday after transferring my last of three euploid embryos I found out it failed to implant. All three failed to implant. It was my first and last ivf as we can’t afford another.

I’m 42 and I don’t know if I will ever be able to conceive naturally again. Did it once for a very DD 5 years ago but since then it’s just been massive struggles.

Do now I have decided to go for a mini break to a holiday in offereing dinner bed and breakfast so we feel like we have had a “holiday” and I’m trying to consciously just get on with my life…

I wish I had a pill to make the hurt and constant TTc thinking go away… you could have one too then a happy pill…

[HaveFaith1 in reply to Unicorn787]

Haha I'd definitely take your happy pill 😉 Thank you, Unicorn. I'm so so sorry for your IVF cycle failed and for all that you've been through. I hope you manage to try again with savings/winning the lottery... It's so hard adding the financial pressure to an already difficult period of your life. Sending you lots of love and happiness X

[Unicorn787 in reply to HaveFaith1]

Thank u. I think a holiday or mini break would serve you well. Who knows maybe you just fall pregnant

[Chiefy]

Don't put your life on hold! Buy the house, pursue the promotion, have the holiday. There are no guarantees in life and you can't keep not moving forward in the other elements of your life.

We bought the family house and the family car and figured one day we will fill them. You have to keep living your life x

[HaveFaith1 in reply to Chiefy]

Love your style Chiefy! I'm still not sure about the house move yet but I think you might be right with the promotion and holiday! Thank you

[DJ202 in reply to Chiefy]

Totally agree!! Life's too short not to make the most of it! And you deserve to treat yourself!

[Sunshine809]

A year ago we bought a big 4 bed house plus it had a separate office and a playroom, and I think my friends and acquaintances are wondering what the hell my husband and I were thinking since it's just the two of us and our dog! But we wanted to be ready for whatever comes our way. If I had a baby and went part time we wouldn't be able to get a big enough mortgage for a house like this. And if we adopt we wanted to have enough bedrooms to be able to adopt a sibling group.

I also felt trapped in my old job due to TTC and waiting for IVF, then I got made redundant just before we started our first round of IVF. It fekt awful at the time but it was the best thing for me - a new role, new company and change of scene has done me the world of good! I did my second round of IVF when I'd only just started my new job which I thought would be super awkward but I made it work and it was fine.

There are so many things over the last 5 years that I've done or not done due to my hope/belief that we might be pregnant in the coming months. I'm still hopeful but I'm trying to learn how to live my life again after feeling in limbo for so long. I feel like most of my 30s I've been living a half life compared to my 20s, and I want to try to make the most of life, with or without children.

I think just go for it with the promotion, house and holiday! If you do get pregnant you'll work around it. You'll be so pleased to be having a baby nothing else will matter anyway! Best of luck 🍀😊

[HaveFaith1 in reply to Sunshine809]

Thank you Sunshine. I really feel like I can relate to what you're saying. Congratulations on your new role and amazing sounding house! I hadn't thought of trying to get a mortgage if and when you're part time, that's a really good point. You're right, having a baby would trump everything else anyway. Fingers and toes crossed as always, yeah? Good luck to you too x

[Sunshine809 in reply to HaveFaith1]

Thanks Faith 💗

[Belangalo]

We were trying to conceive for 4 years. The only thing that we put on hold was my career progression. I am in a sweet spot where I can work my own hours and have very flexible arrangements which I honestly couldn't find in other positions. I also had almost a year of leave saved up which we wanted for me to use if I had a baby! 😊 So I didn't apply for the promotion or move organisations. But we lived in hope! We booked the holiday! We travelled! We bought the big family house in the good school catchment with all the amenities we wanted!

There were times I was disheartened by the journey as it was one thing after another! So the longer the journey went on the more we cut back on luxuries to save extra money...because we started to realise we'd probably be needing multiple rounds of IVF if we wanted a chance at children. Then after a failed first cycle with 3 beautiful AA embabies that failed to do anything...we fell pregnant naturally!!!! 😍🥰

I say live in hope! Buy the family house if you want to buy now! You can always change things later down the track. Book the holiday is you can afford it! And go for thr promotions if they offer you better conditions than what you have! 😊 Good luck!! Xxxx

[HaveFaith1 in reply to Belangalo]

Bloody hell, congratulations! To fall naturally pregnant after all that must have been the best surprise ever! You give me hope that it can happen as we've been trying a similar amount of time 🤞 My current manager had four rounds of IVF herself so she is really understanding of my appointments and occasional low mood. Another reason I'm hesitating about going for another role. Although you just never know do you? I was chatting to a senior colleague at work recently and she dropped into conversation (for the first time) that her children are adopted. I don't know her story but it made me think, there could be other understanding bosses out there. Thank you for replying xx

[JoyfulStar]

Hi HaveFaith (love your name by the way!) I agree with the other posts not to keep your life on hold. I can completely relate to dealing with the frustrations of IVF delays. I had my first cycle cancelled during the peak of the pandemic last year.

The way I coped was to focus on self- improvement- spiritually, physically and mentally as you rightly said, you can’t even go on holidays these days. I went on a diet and increased my fitness routines. I found my self exercising almost everyday on some occasions.

As for the house, please go ahead and buy it and pursue your career aspirations if you think your company will be supportive of the time off you need for IVF.

From personal experience, a bit of stress does not affect your chances. I got pregnant via IVF in the middle of a house move and my new job is significantly more stressful than my old one- I have worked some long hours recently. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant.

Wishing you all the best with your journey 🙏🏾

[HaveFaith1 in reply to JoyfulStar]

Ha thank you Joyful Star - you too! Wow congratulations on your amazing pregnancy ❤️ Someone at my clinic told me that women in war-torn countries manage to have healthy babies, so stress isn't as big a factor as everyone thinks. Now to convince the hubby about the house... Thanks again x

[JoyfulStar in reply to HaveFaith1]

Thank you and you are more than welcome 🤗

[VG2021]

Hey there...I can completely understand what you are feeling.. Been TTC for 3 years and ended up with only 1 IUI & 1 fresh IVF cycle (both failed), since then been struggling with some or the other issue in the run upto FET...Planned multiple holidays in the last 3 years but every time i felt that something +ve might happen the next month i used to get disappointed and then Covid came along confining us to the house entirely...However, i did not restrict myself at work - gave everything i could and got a promotion early this year...Trust me it was soo liberating and took my mind off for a while. we also have a short holiday booked next week...

Please try and keep your mind clear from the negative thoughts as much as possible( I know it is super hard) and dont put your life on hold, do whatever you feel like in that moment itself...

Fingers crossed for you !

[strawberriesandcream]

I totally hear you on all of this! We too have been trying 4 years and have been doing ivf the last year.

My approach now is to just do the stuff and work it out after. We bought the house with the big mortgage and I’ve gone for the bigger job at work. I’ve also got two dogs that I wouldn’t have got either.

Holidays is hard but I think it’s covid making that hard now and you can book more last minute around cycles.

I figure that I am unable to plan when pregnancy will happen so I’ve got to keep moving forward in other aspects. If I hadn’t done those things then I would be seriously depressed now. And don’t get me wrong - I am a serious planner who likes to make all the right decisions … but I had to let go.

Keep moving forward with the bits you can control is my advice, then infertility doesn’t totally have you in its grip. You will work it out when you’re pregnant and it’ll be ok xxx