I'm having a bit of a hard time. My friend is pregnant and while I did find it a bit hard I could handle the odd bit of information about her pregnancy. But now there's an issue with her baby so naturally she wants to talk about it more. Her baby is very small for it's size and she has to go for extra scans etc and may have to be delivered early. I'm just finding it too difficult to hear about it. It's obvious she just wants support and I want to be able to support her but it just hurts me to hear about her pregnancy. I mean she isn't having the most ideal pregnancy but I'm close to having what might be my last transfer in a few weeks and I just can't deal.
I want to be able to tell her that I can't hear about her pregnancy well at least temporarily or at least not as often but I don't want to come across as a b*tch. Any advice?
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Kookypie
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I’m going through similar although it’s my sister that’s pregnant. She’s suffered secondary infertility for 7 years. She doesn’t understand how I feel, having no children(suffered 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic) and now eventually going through IVF. I’m happy for her but she’s struggling being in and out of hospital for hyperemesis gravidarum making conversation hard at times when she’s moaning about being pregnant. Then I feel incredibly guilty for feeling like that.
It’s difficult isn’t it? Navigating all these emotions.
I have had similar with my sister. She also had IVF and it took her seven rounds to get pregnant so I never begrudged her but I spent the whole of her pregnancy hearing how she felt terrible and then the first 5 months of my nephews life being expected to support her through post natal depression… whilst I had a failed IVF round and also 2 miscarriages. Apparently the family felt I was the strong one.. Fast forward two years and she is now struggling with her second child whilst I am still childless and have had nothing but failure and losses.
It doesn’t get easier but you do get used to it. I also love my nephew and niece so much it hurts (in a good way). It hurts in a bad way when I hear she is struggling, when I get a snap chat of a toddler and baby cuddling their mum, when I get complaints about her life when it’s all I ever wanted etc
But! The one thing I have learnt is they won’t understand our situation even having been there themselves. I’ve even said to my sister ‘it breaks my heart to see your photos’ and she said ‘I bet it does’.. and kept sending them! She believes her children are compensation for the lack of mine and regularly tells me ‘you can have them’. I guess I just wanted to say you aren’t alone and whilst I am not sure it gets smoother it gets easier to cope with I promise. Hugs xx
I’m SO sorry you’ve had to go through that. That sounds rough. You never know how bad someone else has it, you just assume it’s much the same for everyone. Thank you for your reassurance, it lessens the pain somewhat.Me and my sister are so close, she has a daughter who is 8 whom I love more than anything. Was very involved in her upbringing. I just can’t get past how difficult it’s going to be this time round with everything going on, holding back the tears and try not be selfish.
I’m trying to navigate IVF, just take it day by day, y’know how unpredictable it can be. First time for us X
Sorry, wasn’t much help and no solutions. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. It does! I think it’s like anything in life, unless you’ve been through it yourself, you have no idea.
Everyone wishes for something that the other person has X
I feel like everyone around me is pregnant/has a newborn at the mo! 😂 I’ve had to remove myself from certain situations because I found it made me feel like hell (I’ve had 2 miscarriages recently). I’m sad to do it, but it definitely feels right, & I’m starting my next round of IVF next week, so hopefully I don’t have to do it for too much longer… 🤞🌈
I do think people ‘forget’…2 of my best friends are pregnant. They’ve suffered loss in the recent past and we had shared empathy at those times.
I think pregnancy/having a newborn is all consuming due to emotions, hormones etc. They’re totally in that ‘zone’. You sound like a supportive, loyal, loving friend. I’m sure you’ll get the same in return if you share your thoughts. And if not, surround yourself with things that make you feel good…
I’ve realised that self care is really important. We can’t always be ‘strong’ and ‘get on with things’. 💘🌈
Dear Kookypie, you sound like a supportive and loyal friend here. It also sounds like, from your own description, your friend doesn't mean it (she is not being b**chy, just not aware of what is going on around us/insensitive)... (I mean, if its just b**chy, don't be my friend). If it were me, I might tell her honestly that I value the friendship but I feel really bad listening to this stuff right now because I need to focus on conceiving, and hope she understands. Some people need direct talk rather than just hints, or they "don't get it". Hope you succeed. All the best for your journey! xx
Ah, it’s so tough navigating friends and family friendships because whilst you’re happy for them on the one hand, you’re sad for you too. I actually wrote a blog post directed towards my sister who was pregnant at the time, and she read it and thanked me for it because it helped her understand how complex this all is for someone battling with their fertility whilst another isn’t: sprinkleofbabydust.com/2021... - it’s there if it helps for you to feel a little less alone.
I’ve always found that being honest is the best policy. Your friend is going through I’m sure an anxious period of time and she’s leaning on you for support, but it’s okay to tell her that whilst you want to support her, you’re finding it very difficult given your situation and right now you need to put your own heart and mental health first. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it just means you know what you can handle and what you can’t for now.
I must admit, I really struggled with both my friends twin pregnancy and my sisters pregnancy. They both just fell pregnant instantly and sailed through their pregnancies, but watching their bumps grow just filled me with such pain knowing that I’d lost my own baby and then was struggling to even get pregnant. I didn’t check in with them as often as I know I would have had I not been in my situation, but I’d message them here and there to let them know I was thinking of them and the babies. It’s not at all damaged our friendship, they respected that I’ve gone through a really tough time and needed to protect myself.
Me and my sister would send gifts to one another as a way of saying “I know you’re here and I love you” - got expensive, but was quite sweet.
My sisters had her baby and she named her baby after me, which is very touching and I love her very much. I’ve found her being here easier than the pregnancy… I think it’s any pregnancy that I struggle with!
So you’re not alone, you’re not a bad person. You’re just in a difficult situation and you’re you’re protecting your own heart 💗 xx
This was such a lovely post to your sister XOXO13. It was very moving. It is so hard to admit that the negative feelings we have are ours and that people that fall pregnant do not mean to hurt us. IVF is a tough journey and pregnancy is no walk in the park either. Our needs are different and we just need to better understand the other persons POV.
I have learned to manage my own feelings of being left behind and it is so liberating. I personally celebrate babies and pregnancies now even though it can remind me of my own journey.
Really happy to see you and your sister are in a good place now. All the best with your journey and the rest of your pregnancy. 🙏🏾🌈
What a brilliant post. I was reading it, the section about jealousy and wanting to ask about their pregnancy but being scared how it makes you react exactly explain my situation. Loved reading it and realising it's OK not to be OK! That jealousy is sometimes an ugly trait but in this instance it's justified. Thank you for writing down how I feel! I've saved your post and going to use it to explain to friends/relatives how I feel xxxd
Aw, thank you. I’m glad you can relate in a way that it’s useful for you to explain how you feel to friends and family. I have a couple of friends that know about my blog and they say that it’s really helped them to understand how I’m feeling sometimes so they don’t need to always ask me! Wishing you all the best 💗 xxx
Such a great blog post, it really expresses a lot of the complicated feelings we feel.
I hate the fact infertility affects my relationships as well as my body x
She is your friend our struggles always hurt but think if you were in the same shoes? How would you feel not having anyone to talk to especially your friend. Wouldn't you be hurt if she was having the same conversation you are having now with us? We should all support eachother the best way we can. Try to support the best way you can and try thinking about if you were in the same shoes, wouldn't it been lonely? Sorry I've been in those shoes and lost a good friend considering we BOTH required treatment except I chose and saved wisely and she did the opposite. Had no one to talk to and hardly speak now because she really wasn't interested. Just think what your friendship means to you. And if it hurts too much. Just leave it be. Sorry I'm very blunt when it comes to thinking about these things on both sides so if I offended you I'm sorry. But if your friendship means that much to you, think hard about both sides.
Friendships can be extremely difficult to navigate especially when it comes to topics so close to the bone. I would personally evaluate how much that friendship means to me before I said something that could hurt our friendship. Your friend might understand or feel betrayed especially at a time when she feels she needs support.
There are some friends that I would happily withdraw from but there are some friends that I would support through thick and thin even at the expense of my own emotions because I know they would do the same for me. I am sure your friend does not mean to hurt you. Pregnancy can be tough! So many of the IVF ladies that eventually fall pregnant have such a hard time still after getting that BFP with setbacks, anxieties, symptoms etc so having a good friend to navigate it all can be such a relief!
Making sacrifices for friends and family is not a bad thing. It does not mean you are a push over or weak. It just means you are loving, generous, kindhearted and giving.
Ultimately, have to do what makes you comfortable but I think discomfort, pain can lead to learning and growth. All the best with your journey and I hope you really find a way to work things out with your friend.
I totally get it, I’ve absolutely been there! In the one hand it can hurt to see others succeed and move forward with their family but on the other your friend must be so so so worried about her unborn child as well and probably never needed you more. She will be anxious and hormonal so if she doesn’t respond well to your message I would understand that too! It’s always best to be honest with each other though x
Something that helped me was to remember my friend having a baby in no way changes my chances of having one and I didn’t want their baby I wanted my own! I used to get incredibly upset/jealous/distant with pregnant family and friends and then one had a misscarriage and j felt absolutely awful! It gave my head a wobble that these tiny babies and my friends had gone nothing wrong and the anger was only making me feel worse (I felt angry at myself for feeling angry at them!) so I refocused and celebrated these arrivals as a step closer to me being a mum. Each baby meant mine was even closer! I did avoid wider family gatherings sometimes though still as I felt like the only one who didn’t have a child yet but that was the entirety of the situation rather than one person being pregnant and I didnt find a way to cope with that other than not go when it was a crap to for us in our journey. Just saw new babies etc individually. Not sure if any of that is any use to you and I hope your friend understands how hard this is for you to talk to her about 🤗 you are such a good friend to be putting this much thought into what’s best for you both xx
I am usually the odd one out in these kind of posts. I suffered primary and secondary infertility multiple losses and multiple failed rounds of IVF and yes I’m out the other side having had my rainbow babies so perhaps it’s “easy for me to say” as I’ve been told before
For me friendships are about being there through the good times as well as bad. Infertility takes so much from us already don’t allow it to make you bitter and jealous and unable to support someone else going through an incredibly hard time? Misery loves company so the saying going but I urge you not to let it take away the ability to be happy for someone else? And god forbid the worst happens and she loses her baby?
I’ve seen it many times - eventually someone has a much longed for baby and expects to pick up those friendships she severed pretty brutally as if nothing had happened. Those friendships never recovered.
I guess you have to decide what most important to you? This isn’t someone who is complaining about her pregnancy in terms of sickness or swollen ankles - things that are par for the course in a pregnancy. There is a genuine health concern for her baby - delivering early can be a frightening prospect with prolonged spells in NICU etc. If you can’t support her then let the friendship go x
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