telling a pregnant friend you can’t see them

[Elsidee11]

hello, hope you’re all ok. I was hoping for some words of encouragement - I have a friend who I have been friends with for a very long time, who really hasn’t been there for me throughout my fertility journey (quite self involved, but that’s another story) anyway, she is 6 months pregnant and has asked to meet up.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about our overall friendship and how seeing her so heavily pregnant will make me feel whilst I’m still on this journey & right now it’s just not an option for me.

I need to be honest with her, but not sure how to word it without making her feel bad or making it look like I’m jealous (the feelings are a lot more complex than that!!) any help, advice or experience would be appreciated. Thank you xxxxx

[Newcastle12]

Sorry you are in this position it’s so very difficult. I have a best friend due in June and I haven’t been able to see her pregnant and dreading having to see the baby after a second failed cycle. I even find it difficult to message her at times which is very sad- she’s always very positive but that annoys me more! When she told me she was pregnant this was my text message:

‘So pleased for you both I hope you can enjoy So pleased for you both I hope you can enjoy every minute of it

I hope you can understand that to get through IVF at the moment I just can’t see those who are pregnant or have babies. I really appreciate your friendship particularly over these last few years and hopefully I’ll be myself again soon xx’

I don’t know if that helps but know there are plenty of people who feel like you do. I’ve been told by those who have been in our position that you do what you need to do to get through and protect yourself. If she’s your friend she’ll be there the other side- that’s what I’m hoping for also

[Elsidee11 in reply to Newcastle12]

Thank you so much, Newcastle. Sorry you’re experiencing it too. I always thought I’d be ok around pregnant people, but I just have this complete barrier that I cannot break down. The thought of it hits me in the pit of my stomachs.

I think you’re message was perfect - I hope you’re friend does understand and is there at the other side.

I think the thing I find tricky is I have felt very let down by her as a friend in general. So not sure whether to thing that into it or just say I can’t see pregnant people. It’s hard isn’t it. Either way I need to address it, as ignoring it doesn’t help! I’m glad I’m not alone. Xxx

[jinis]

Sorry you're going through this lovely.

Putting yourself comes first at all cost, and you're doing the right thing!

I think what helps is to stick to facts and keep it simple/neutral without trying to convey the impossibly complex feelings (you don't owe anyone explanation/justification) - something along the lines of "happy for you, I'm not able to see you right now but sending you lots of love".

After that, you can't try to manage what your friend will take away from that - but know that if they think it is their bad for asking or this is because you're jealous, that's more of a reflection of who they are, and nothing to do with you.

It's a typical move from a narcissist/self-involved person, as they can't possibly accept the facts as they are without making everything about them. They either have to victimise themselves with a narrative of being "rejected" (not that you're rejecting, you're just putting yourself first and that's nothing to do with them, but that's just how they perceive/process certain situations), or they have to convince themselves that something is wrong with the other party (i.e. jealousy) - let them be however they want to be, because frankly it's not your problem and again you need to protect yourself.

Hope it goes smoothly for you and that they don't make it about them xxx

[LadyM2019]

It’s unfortunately a really common experience in relationships for us going through treatment.. A really complex set of emotions, possibly involving grief. I’ve been going through treatment for six years now and all I have is a stillbirth and a termination for medical reasons out of all these years of treatment. Until a couple of years ago I really struggled to be around friends/colleagues who were pregnant and then something just switched. I don’t feel like that anymore, maybe I got fed up of feeling that way or didn’t want others imaging they needed to tip toe around me.. who knows. But do what you need to based on where you’re at emotionally right now xx

[Ctk123]

Such a horrible position to be in, speaking from experience. I’ve struggled to be around pregnancy since I had my first miscarriage following IVF. The most important thing, as the others has said, is to protect yourself and your boundaries - you’ve having to deal with enough as it is. I’ve said to friends/family that I’m happy for them and how important they are in my life but that for now I need space and will let them know when I’m ready. I’ve found it easier once the babies arrive. Some people have been more understanding than others; for me it’s been a good lesson in getting to know who my true friends are. Best of luck x

[CarlottaD27]

I'm so sorry, there literally is no break from this tough journey as pregnancy is everywhere around us!

I've found it helpful when communicating to people to focus on the general - ie "it can be quiet triggering to be around baby bumps", "i am focusing on my own mental health and need a bit of time away from babies" etc, as I try and make as less personal as possible...x

[CJohns]

reading between the lines, it seems like you don’t value the friendship too much anyway, and perhaps this is a natural break in your friendship and in could resume in a few years time? The other suggestions above on what to say are really good, and if I were you I just wouldn’t overthink her reaction to it, as like I say, it seems you’re expecting her to make it all about her anyway.

I have a friend exactly the same, and didn’t see her from August until this month, and I didn’t miss her one bit as I knew with her being pregnant she would make every meet up all about her, and I was over that happening 🥲 xx