Feeling unsupported … no one to turn to

[Gatarra]

About to have the 10 day scan hopefully in the run up to a FET ….we decided not to tell anyone about the ivf this time as it was not helpful on our last attempt . However this time my other half is just behaving in a not great way tbh. Not supporting emotionally or physically . I do all the house work, cooking, gardening etc and have a demanding job . I feel since he works from home he could do a bit more especially in this situation where I’m supposed to be relaxing more. Last time I did the bare minimum at home and caught up with things after but he was quite good most of the time with the emotional support so I didn’t mind too much . This time he seems so wrapped up in his own stuff and has been organising to spend time with friends etc on weekends leaving me with the house stuff again and feeling lonely that I’m just a bit fed up . I’m also terrified of this failing and very on edge . Putting on a brave face at work but I’m honestly a bunch of nerves . I had it out with him last week and a god awful row but to no avail ! Just feel so alone and vulnerable with no support . I can’t see friends or anything as I would feel a fraud for lying to them about the ivf and it’s such a big thing I wouldn’t really know what else to talk about till I know the outcome of this ! It was like this last time , I just feel I’m in a state of limbo till I know the outcome and can’t face seeing people . Has anyone else had to cope alone ?

[Faith103]

Hi 👋

Sorry to read that you are feeling upset and fed up!

I had a similar situation with my ex partner and my ivf failed due to me being so stressed and upset.

I failed to see the faults in the relationship because I wanted a baby so bad. Anyways in the end we broke up after 4 years because he was always out on a weekend didn’t help round the house, made me feel drained. I realised I was putting up with shit just because I knew ivf etc was set up with him and I didn’t want to lose the chance.

Anyways 3 years after breaking up with him I met my soul mate.

I did ivf last year and we now have a 4 month old boy. The ivf worked first time and we got much better quality embryos. I put this down to me being relaxed and having the full support from my partner.

Life is to short to be unhappy.

Do what’s best for you.

I hate to sound to the point but if you did get pregnant would he be there to support the child? At the end of the day that child is innocent. Even so will he support you if ivf fails?

Be kind to yourself xxx

Here to chat anytime

[Gatarra in reply to Faith103]

Hi Faith103 , thanks for sharing your experiences and advice . really useful to hear a positive story - congrats on your 4 month old ! I have given thought to what will happen if the baby does arrive - sort of resigned to dealing with it and hoping when he sees me struggling he will finally pull a finger out ! It will be such a miracle if that happens tbh I will find a way …. I did manage to have it out again over the weekend and he took me to the appointment today so hoping this continues 🤞x

[Faith103 in reply to Gatarra]

❤️❤️❤️

[RhinoCat]

Tell him what you need ! 😘💐💐💐💐

[Gatarra in reply to RhinoCat]

Thanks ! I did and he took me to the appt today 😊 feeling better about things now x

[RhinoCat in reply to Gatarra]

Sometimes ya actually just have to tell them

What you need! I told my husband I need more hugs die no reason now that ivf looms, 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 if ya don’t ask ya won’t get

[Running79]

Hi

I really feel for you!!

I have to say I agree with points made by Faith103.

I’ve been out with many, how shall I put it ….. self centred arses, maybe that’s why I didn’t marry any of them or choose to have children with them - one of which was similar to your partner who although we didn’t live together was busy arranging weekends with his mates.

I then met my husband 14 yrs ago - he is a bit older then me and very considerate to the point we’re he asks are we doing anything on x date as I’d like to see my mate …. He pulls his weight and is there in my highs and lows, as I am with him. So when we started trying got children I was upset nothing was happening - he’s been supportive all the way through, along with being brutally honest about next steps if something hasn’t gone according to plan

The IVF journey is particularly hard without you having to put up with this nonsense!!

I think you have some serious thinking and decisions to make, which really only you can do - everyone on the forum with have a different response on how to deal with the situation

I personally would put my emotions to one side and deal with it head on - basically telling him how it is and giving him an ultimatum - I’d then have to accept the path he chose if it wasn’t the one I wanted him.

But as I say that approach isn’t for everyone

I wish you luck xx

[Gatarra in reply to Running79]

Hi Running79, thanks for your reply . Sounds like you have a lovely and supportive partner, all the best for your own journey 🤞 I agree with your approach actually - me and my husband do tend to row rather than sulk over stuff and I do think this is better . I did have another session with him on the weekend and he came with me to the appt today . Still waiting for some help in the house but it’s definitively the emotional support I need right now 🤞 embryo transfer booked now for a week today so that’s good . Take care ! X

[Running79 in reply to Gatarra]

That’s good, just keep working on him!! If I need stuff done I tell my husband to get off his arse - if he hasn’t realised 😂🤣

Good luck on your journey xx

[Buisquits]

It sounds to me you are putting far too much pressure in yourself. The house is a bit messy? Leave it, that's not that important now. The dishes are in the sink, leave it. If you do everything your partner may think you want to do it. I feel a bit sad for you for feeling isolated from your friends but you said it is your decision? Go and see your friends! Socialising is so important for your mental health! And if you don't tell them the whole truth- honestly, that doesn't make you a fraud. People get pregnant naturally and don't tell anybody until 12 weeks.

Give yourself a break lovely, nothing is perfect. As somebody said here - do what's best for you, for the baby. Nothing else matters in the long term.

Good luck 💓 and look after yourself x

[Gatarra in reply to Buisquits]

Thanks Buisquits ! I appreciate your reply and good advice ! Good point about people hiding early natural pregnancy , I didn’t think of that .

Good luck with your journey too x x x

[Bexarama83]

Hi there. Sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree with what everyone is saying. If I were you, I’d reach out to 1 close friend and confide in her. Having someone to talk to is so important. You don’t need to tell everyone but sounds like you need to share with someone. I personally told people close to me what I was going through as I desperately needed the support. My husband is great but sometimes you need some girl talk. Best of luck with it and I hope he realises what an arse he’s being 😘 xx

[Gatarra in reply to Bexarama83]

Hey Bexarama83 ! Thank you for taking time to reply to me - I really appreciate it . I will think about telling my best friend I think - she is in the states but is coming back for good in a few weeks which will be massively helpful ! The arse hole did repent a bit 😂 he took me to my appointment today . Hoping this is a turn in a positive direction . Good luck to you as well x x x

[ZiggyandBC]

Hi, so sorry you’re feeling this way it must be such an awful feeling! He should 100% be more supportive and be doing more! You shouldn’t have to put up with feeling this way. Maybe it would help if you told maybe one of your closest friends about the IVF and then you could get some support from them? Xxx

[Gatarra in reply to ZiggyandBC]

Thanks ZiggyandB , I’m thinking about telling my best friend who has been living away but is coming back in a few weeks . I hope you have good luck with your journey as well x x x

[Hidden]

Hello,

Sorry to hear you are so on edge. In regards to you feeling guilty for not telling friends , don't! This is your life and your journey and not everything is to be shared, your true friends will understand this and never hold it against you. Maybe your partners way of dealing with his stress and his fears is to be this way. Perhaps he is a bit lost and worried about too and doesn't know how to react. Just remember that the house can be messy, its your little fortress and you don't have to explain it to anyone! I did the lawn for the first time in 6 months yesterday , it looked like a jungle but i wasn't in the right mind frame to care about it.

Don't be so hard on yourself and him, prioritise what's really important, talk to each other , everything else can wait! 😊

Hope you find your optimism soon and it all goes smoothly, fingers crossed . Xxx

[Gatarra in reply to Hidden]

Hi Adina12, thanks for your reply it was very thoughtful and helpful for me . It is true about prioritising - I will try my best to relax ! He has listened to me after another row and came to my appointment today . I’m feeling loads better now . You should see our lawn 😂 I like it a bit wild actually ! All the best with your journey x x x

[Borbolet]

I feel like that very often. I try to speak with my boyfriend but he never say much and I don't have many friends around. Can be difficult not having someone to speak with 😒. I hope things get better for you.

[Gatarra in reply to Borbolet]

Thanks Borbolet, pm me if you want to chat . This forum has been really helpful for me . Obviously not as good as a face to face with a friend but at least all of us understand what the others are going through . I hope your situation improves as well x x x

[Bella_Bee]

Dump his ass and get some genetically tested sperm. Better odds of success. 😏😉😆

Jokes aside, you and your physical mental health health come first. Before him and, yes, before the IVF. Go and spend time with your friends. Keeping a special secret doesn't make you a fraud. Fck the housework, let him do it. Treat yourself how you'd treat someone you're madly in love with. And tell him what you need. If nothing changes, a baby sure as he'll won't fix him so back to option A above 😘😏😅 Hugs to you.