Need to rant about the OH - sorry

[Sunshineraye]

Anyone feel they are so alone but shouldn’t be as they have an other half?

Since I’ve started this FET my husband is forever making plans with other people. Am I being selfish in wanting him to not make plans and just be with me? I can’t do much atm because all the meds make me feel so poorly most of the time that even going to work is hard that I can’t make plans with my friends or family.

Last night he said “ oh so I kinda forgot about the whole ivf thing and made plans to go out with work people during the 2ww. He’s planed to go a stag do in another country soon too. He’s been to several football matches in different cities and met with his friends on a few occasions over the last few weeks.

He does come to all appointments with me but I just feel like he’s not with me 100% in this. He says he is and I’ve tried talking to him but I’m just seen as having a go and being selfish

Sorry for the rant but am I being unreasonable? Xx

[Kiedy84]

Hey hun my husband also did go out during our IVF journey, he was once out with his colleagues then between meals took a taxi back home to give me an injection and then went back in a taxi to enjoy his dessert and more drinks! I just thought it was hilarious.

I think it's natural, my husband has been out and hangover more times since our bfp than I can remember in the last 2 years. I think he knows he has 4 months left and that's it for some time!! Main thing is that he is there when you truly need him xxx

Be selfish too and do something nice for yourself, treat yourself my dear xx

[Sunshineraye in reply to Kiedy84]

Thank you lovely. U are a very understanding wife 💕

I would love a spa day but I just can’t atm, always feeling rough xx

[MissSaoPaulo]

Hi hon, I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable but it sounds like there is some room for compromise on both sides to reach a balance you are both comfortable with. Also, bear in mind that you're pumped full of hormones right now and so it's easy to get upset about things that normally wouldn't bother you. I hope you can sort things out so you feel more supported, and good luck with your transfer!!

[Sunshineraye in reply to MissSaoPaulo]

Thank you hun, I don’t really mind him doing most things but it’s this weekend away. I don’t feel like I can just get up and go make plans for a girls weekend atm with all that’s going on. Bloody hormones are horrendous. When I talk to him about it he just says “ look your having a bad day” 😣 xx

[Kitcat12]

I relate! I feel like I notice it so much more now that I don't go out with my own friends as much. It seems like he's always off doing nice things and I just end up being a bit of a designated driver. It is certainly frustrating. IVF is such an intense process and with all the drugs and hormones it can feel really isolating and lonely. Do try to talk to your OH about it. Best of luck x

[Sunshineraye in reply to Kitcat12]

Thanks hun, it’s like they just don’t realise. I don’t want nice things, all I want is to have him say to friends “ sorry I can’t today” he doesn’t even have to say why.

I didn’t try talking to him but now I’m the worst wife ever 🙈 xx

[Kitcat12 in reply to Sunshineraye]

I think you're right, a lot of men don't realise how intense it is for us. I know they are there with us but they don't really go through it in the same way, the physical changes, the injections, the losses and the process of growing a baby, it's a lot! You're not the worst wife ever, give yourself a break lovely! x

[Sunshineraye in reply to Kitcat12]

Yes you are completely right. I still want him to live his life but also make some life style adjustments like I am. Thanks hun for ur support 😘 xx

[Kempton]

I know that men cope differently with IVF, and perhaps he's using distraction as a way of dealing with it, but you definitely have a right to feel upset. It's a lot harder for us women because we are the ones physically going through it all, and probably for most of us it's on our mind constantly.

You should definitely have a word with your OH and explain how you need his support throughout the TWW. And beyond. Whatever the result, you need his support, and he needs to understand that. But also try to see that men do deal with it all differently, although that's no reason not to communicate how you are feeling.

The thing is, I'm not sure if it's everyone's experience but with my first pregnancy (after a successful FET), I felt very much alone for the entire pregnancy because it was just me going through it. I was anxious throughout because it meant so much, plus it was me who couldn't drink or eat certain things, and didnt want to have late nights or go to busy places. As much as I had a happy pregnancy, knowing I was carrying my longed for baby, I did feel alone.

Good luck and hope it all works out for you.

[Sunshineraye in reply to Kempton]

Thank you hun, I know it will be fine and I don’t mind him doing things to keep busy too but a weekend on the lash is too much whilst we are going through this tough time atm. Thank you for your advice xx

[McrLass]

It’s so hard isn’t it? I do hope you reach a better understanding. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not be the one whose body and emotions are in turmoil, it must be pretty hard for them to see in someone they love.

For what it’s worth, I figure that when push comes to shove most partners are there for us, and if it takes the odd night out or weekend away for them to be able to be there for us the rest of the time, in some ways it’s probably a break for them from feeling helpless and frustrated. We’d all take a break from feeling how we do if we could, I know I would!

I tried to describe what it felt like to have irrational emotions due to hormones, the best thing I could think of was road rage, I tried to describe being angry/sad/fed up with only the slightest trigger and getting my OH to see how annoying it would be to be controlled by hormones.

That said, your rant is completely justified and you should shout up for what you need, even if it’s ‘sofa dates’ for just the two of you, because once you’re parents the communication will be key won’t it? 😉

Good luck x

[Sunshineraye in reply to McrLass]

Thank you hun. Such a hard process. We will be fine. I don’t mind him most thing usually but just need him more than ever atm x

[CLou21]

I would say its about balance and compromise. Its difficult for us because we are the ones taking all the meds, not drinking alcohol, feeling all the side affects of the meds and making sacrifices etc. I also think that makes them feel a little helpless too!

Me and my lad have had a few words during my first cycle, but it was down to him genuinely just not thinking. In my eyes, just because Im feeling miserable and cant be as social, doesn’t mean he has to suffer too. But there are occasions too when Id prefer him to be there for me or when some things are just taking the piss! X