I’m still in a real dilemma. I came on here last year asking for advice regarding doing ivf at 42 & people were so helpful. I have a good AMH (it was 22 last year) & I ovulate every month at the same time & still have a 28 day cycle. Although I know at 42, it’s unlikely I have good quality eggs. In January this year, just turned 42, I made the decision to leave ivf behind. I have a daughter from a successful round in 2016 & I decided to try & get on with our lives. My husband didn’t want to do more treatment. He has extremely low motility (3 % & I think he should be 40%)
I have been devastated with the decision I made since January. I’ve always been such a strong, happy person but it’s consumed me. I think about it every minute of every day to the point I’ve been given antidepressants.
I made the decision thinking it was right for my family but I keep beating myself up I didn’t try again.
My consultant said in January I had a chance but I needed to act then & shouldn’t leave it any longer.
I’ve now left it six months since that consultation. What do people think? Is it too late now? Would those six months have made a difference?
I don’t want to put me & my husband through it if it’s completely futile. I can’t believe what infertility does do your mental health. I know I am one of the lucky people too who had success in 2016. My heart goes out to all of you that are still on this journey. It’s such a hard place to be.
Why can’t I just leave it behind & move on. I didn’t imagine secondary infertility to be so difficult.
Thank you for any advice. Are there any success stories of people who are 42 & a half? Do you think 6 months makes a difference?
Sending love & strength to all of you warriors out there xx
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Jane41
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I’m slightly younger at 41, but I’m 42 next month.
I’m not sure that 6 months will really make much difference!
My AMH went down between our first and second round, I think first round it was about 23, second round was 19 and that was in a year.
The issue with us older ladies is egg quality. At our age we have about 5% chance which is really really low, at 42/43 I think it’s even lower maybe 3%!
We ended up using a donor egg in round 3 from my sister. This was to be our last round as it takes its toll. We do have two frosties and I’m currently 15 weeks + 2. I’ve always said if this is successful I will be happy and blessed having 1 child as it really has been a struggle. If that’s the case I will stick to my word and have the other embryos destroyed.
I think your other issue is, is if your husbands sample has issues - if you last tried in 2016 the chances are his sample could have got worse, so a dna fragmentation test would be ideal to see where he’s at
I’m not saying at 42 you won’t be successful with your own eggs, there are ladies on here who have been and I know a couple of people who have conceived naturally who are older then you.
But I think you need to weigh up the fact that the odds are really stack against you, do you as a family want to put yourself through the emotional and financial strain of IVF again with such a limited chance of success, especially now if your mental health has/is suffering
It’s a tough judgement call and only one you can answer. I don’t think hearing success stories will help you as everyone’s medical history is different and won’t necessarily replicate yours
Thank you so much running 79, huge congratulations to you with your pregnancy. This is so helpful & quite re-assuring that I was probably being sensible in my decision making in January. I think because the consultant was so positive about my AMH, I’ve had it in my head that ‘it was meant to be’ & I have been convincing myself a good AMH will equal a baby! But you had a very similar AMH & it didn’t work. There is so much focus on AMH, I’ve become obsessed with it thinking I should act on it. We had four Grade A failed FETs after my daughter was born. After the last failure, it took a massive toll on my husbands mental health as he blames himself seeing me so upset.
I do want to move forward & leave it behind, hence the medication & I know I’m so lucky to have my daughter.
Thank you so much, you have reminded me that it’s not all about the AMH! Especially at my age. I’m 43 in December.
Best of luck to you with your pregnancy. I hope it all goes well for you xx
Your right it isn’t all about the AMH - that is only saying what your egg reserve is, not what your egg quality is!!
I said to my consultant after our second round failure (we had our remaining embryos PGTA tested and they were chromosomally abnormal) that it’s no good having a great egg reserve if they are blowing dust! I made that comment after she said “you can have another go using your eggs and you might get lucky”
£10 - £12,000 is a lot to spend to get lucky!! Hence why our third and final round was donor egg, as it was clearly in my mind an issue with me as our previous embryos were top quality 5 day blastocysts.
To put it in comparison for you. My sister who was our donor, she is 30 yrs old, her AMH was about 20 from memory, so only slightly better then mine from our second round - and yet we have got this far with the first transfer from that round.
For us we couldn’t really have any more then 1 anyway. My husband is 59, 60 in April. He’s already got a son from a previous marriage who's 24 this year.
I think looking at what you’ve written in your original post you have made the right decision.
I have family who suffer with depression and anxiety (they are medicated to) they can be on a certain path, be happy with that decision and then an element of doubt creeps in, and just starts eating away at them, as a family we are very close and can talk it through with them and put it in perspective that their origional decision/path was the right one for them
You are exactly right, I made the decision in January weighing everything up, being happy with what I have then once I started feeling low, I have been doubting myself. But at the same time, I’ve not mustered you the strength to do another round. We’d have to get a loan for £12 & it’s a lot to put us through for a 5% chance. I think it’s the ‘now or never’ pressure dilemma too. As I know if I don’t act now, it’s a decision I live with forever. But if I take the gamble, I don’t know what it will do to me & my husband.
Thank you so much. You honestly have helped to re-assure me.
I’ve seen you help so many others on here too. I really hope everything works out for you 🤞 It is sounding really positive so far ❤️
Hi Ladies, Jane, don't have any regrets. You're not old. My consultant said "as long as you are producing eggs, you have a chance". I'm 40, on my 5th icsi on 7dp5dt, first FER. We have a daughter from our second icsi in 2018. My AMH was only 5 then so no more focusing on the AMH. Call your clinic and ask to speak to your consultant. They will tell u your chances. And the money .you have the rest of your lives to pay it back. It's only a phonecall. At least you are then armed with all the info. Best of luck to you. And to you all.
Thank you for your lovely reply. I really hope you get your dream of baby number 2. Such a difficult journey x
I am no psychologist but reading your post seems to me that you are having natural doubts after a momentous decision. Maybe you are having almost a delayed grief for what might have been? I know everyone says this but have you had any counselling? When we initially made the decision to give up I didnt bother as the counselling at my clinic hadn't really worked for me, but a few months later I just collapsed and ended up having Talking Therapy on the NHS and that really helped me as it was a lot broader than the failure of IVF.
If you want to hear positive stories there are LOADS on here of women aged 40 - 45 both via IVF and through that miracle natural pregnancy. But there are also a lot of women (myself included) who had a decent AMH for their age, and either had failed rounds or got pregnant things didnt progress and its been put down to egg quality.
I think the counselling may be a good idea either way as there might not be the happy ending if you go ahead or not, so its still worth tackling.
I am slightly different in that at 44 I still havent had a child but been pregnant 6 times. We had decided to go for donor eggs but one round is probably going to cost us 15k as we wanted to go ahead in the UK. Unlike you I never got to the point where I was reconciled with the idea, which is why it makes me think you probably are ok with not going ahead with more rounds but the reality of it is setting in now and now you are processing all the natural thoughts and feelings that come with it.
Its all just ruddy unfair, and I am sorry you are in this pickle. Are you tempted to talk to the clinic and get their opinion? if you trust them?
I have just read that back and I am not sure that helps in the slightest! Sorry! x
Sorry late reply, had a busy few days in work. I’m a senior manager in the civil service so it’s non stop. I’ve followed your story before Daisy & I’m so sorry you have been through so much. You are right, it isn’t fair!! You have tried so hard 😔 It’s the most natural thing in the world but doesn’t always happen for some of us. I hope you find your happiness, I can’t believe how wonderful you are to so many on here when things haven’t worked for you as you wanted. Everything you said is right. I’m grieving a massive decision & it will take time. I hope you find peace & happiness after everything you have been through.
Have you read ‘the next happy’? I’m not saying it’s for everyone but it is a story of happiness after ivf. Sending you lots of love & peace xxx
This is a tough question because it is not easy to make a pragmatic on such an emotive topic. I think the decision about whether you embark on IVF is completely up to you and your husband.
My advice will be to speak to consultants now to see what they say about your chances. Some people will promote donor cycles due to the reality of egg quality declining others will advice that it is not too late.
I am 43 going on 44 and started the IVF journey when I was 42. My first cycle was unsuccessful but I embarked on a multiple cycle package of embryo banking to increase my chances after consultation with 3 different clinics. I have had some success with embryos created and banked and is still early days but I personally knew that I wanted to try with my own eggs before I moved on to plan b. I knew that it might be futile but wanted to try anyway as that I did not live with regret.
Initial consultations with 2 or more clinics may help you and your husband decide whether it is worth doing. After our first failed cycle, my husband and I decided in advance how many goes and when we would stop regardless of the outcome because we knew how difficult the journey will be. We also agreed what our plan b will be if IVF was unsuccessful.
IVF is tough and even tougher for us who are in our 40s and it is good to be realistic whilst being hopeful.
I really hope you get the answers you are looking for and wish you all the best with what you decide. 🌹
Hey Jane! Honestly, I don’t think 6 months would have made a difference at your age with regards to egg quality (sperm quality issues can be overridden with a good ICSI so less relevant).
I was wondering if you’ve considered egg donation? I’m 41 next month and after 4 unsuccessful IVF cycles (with no apparent issue on mine or husbands side), one of which brought us the heartache of a miscarriage, we decided to go through the route of egg donation and I’m now 31+5 weeks pregnant.
IVF is extremely hard as it pushes you down a road where you have to compromise and make decisions you weren’t ready to make.
But it’s up to us to weigh the prons and cons and move forward if we want to make our dream or motherhood a reality.
I know you already have a daughter but I understand how you feel about this.
Hi there. Sorry you are going through this. I think if you and your husband are in agreement then I would arrange a consultation with your clinic to see what their honest opinion is based on your individual circumstances. And then from there hopefullu you can make a plan to move forwards with IVF or possibly joint counselling to help you come to terms with your decision?
This forum will give you lots of fantastic food for thought and opinions. But only you know how you feel.
I am 42 next week and I had my first IVF 7 months ago and the docs say I did pretty well for my age. I had early losses sadly but I have just found out I have active NK Cells which could have affected things - not age. My doc says that my chances are the same with my own eggs as it would be with donor eggs. We have never really paid much attention to what my ages stats should be as it's far too depressing to be considered a number!
This is such a hard decision. Sending a virtual hug Xx
It’s interesting what your consultant says about your chances with donor egg being the same as with your own. You may want to research that yourself as I don’t believe that’s accurate. Unless they are saying your chances are the same because the NK cells will attack the embryo?!
I’m sure I read that you go upto 50 % chance with a younger donor egg
Hi there. I possibly worded that badly... He said that from what he has seen so far he doesn't believe there is a big enough difference between my eggs and donor eggs, so to keep going with my ones. (Of course I'm not denying that a 20/30 yrs olds would be better quality but I can't change my age.)
I'm seeing a different doc for the NK cells and they'll work together.
Both docs, although they have different beliefs about immunology, have talked about banking embryos for baby no 2 so I'm praying they are right🤞x
I see, there are quite a few ladies on this forum whom have used donor eggs and from what I have seen the majority have had success!
It might be worth doing your own research on that - I don’t always trust what the consultants say as private healthcare is a business first and foremost x
Absolutely and that is amazing. I haven't discouraged this lady from using donar eggs - I have recommended getting a consultation for advice . She has said her egg quality is rubbish but that's not necessarily true... But the doctor will know for sure.
I have done my own research but ultimately the docs have far more expertise than me, so I choose to trust them. Best of luck to you. x
Whether 6 months makes a difference is an interesting question...
Quick history - I am also 42, single, trying with donor sperm and my own eggs. First cycle was last year, 12 eggs, 2 blasts, a 5AA fresh transfer (negative) and a 4BB into the freezer. I was 41 when those eggs were collected and I wanted to try to collect more eggs before I turned 42 so I did another fresh round earlier this year. 18 eggs, 5 blasts, freeze all due to OHSS risk. My first FET from those blasts was a 5AA again, but another negative result. I am currently waiting to do another FET.
When I spoke to the embryologist about what to transfer next (my remaining 4BB from last year or one of the 3 months 'older' blasts from this year) her advice was that 3 months was too short a time to make much of a difference. So on that basis, I'm not sure that 6 months is too much of a concern. But, that conversation was from a good position of knowing that both cycles created blastocysts, and of course many people don't get to that point, regardless of AMH.
You've seen IVF work and you've seen it fail and you know the toll it takes. I think in your position you can only listen to your gut - would trying and failing be more 'acceptable' to you than not trying and accepting your decision, or vice versa? Good luck - it's a really tough place to be.
Thank you to everyone who has responded. Sorry I’ve not replied to everyone but had a crazy few days. The advice is so helpful. I can’t believe how caring & supportive everyone is on here. Talking to you all makes me consider things I wouldn’t of. Donor eggs sound like they could give us a better chance of the happy ending 🙏
After chatting on here, I discussed with my husband for the first time. Thank you all for broadening my thoughts.
I’m sorry you are all in this boat of trying so hard. It’s a crippling place to be at times. Sending love & hope to you all x
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