Over Easter my SIL let the family know that she is pregnant for the second time! I admit, it did ruin my night a little since I am still desperately trying for one and she already has a beautiful toddler and is now pregnant again! I got over myself and kept telling myself that my jealousy was ridiculous - as I changed sticky dressings on my keyholes wounds on my stomach from the last IVF exploratory surgery that just isn't healing up as fast as the last ones *le sigh* Trust me, I rolled my eyes and gave myself a few minutes to feel the unfairness of 'free and romantic made love' babies while I swab wounds, take my temperature and rail against testing times before I can hand over half a house deposit to start injecting myself to produce eggs again! LOL
But what really made me realise that I need to step back from her is when she came to me to "unburden" herself told me that she was "distraught" to find out she was pregnant because she was having twins. Yep, showed me a 4D pic of them and then complained about how expensive it was going to be, how she only wanted two children total and that having three was never something that she even remotely wanted. Meanwhile...let me go change the dressings on the wounds on my black and blue stomach while you tell me that your life is over now because you are having twins.
I told her that she would love them, that it was certainly a bit of a shock but that I was sure that she would be able to handle it. I even joked that I would take one- ok it was a half joke, I'd probably take one! LOL But as I sat there comforting her, I realised that I couldn't take six months of her calls or texts telling me how upset she is to be having twins. I just can't. My current schedule is hopefully to do the next cycle in 6-8 weeks. Then a cycle of egg collection and hopefully a transfer or two. And if the cycle does fail...then gearing up for the next cycle. I don't think I am going to have the strength to listen to her complaints while I try to hang onto hope that IVF will work for us.
How do I politely let her know that while I love her, I can't be her support right now? I am in the middle of IVF and struggling with coming to accept that I may not get to be a mother no matter how many rounds of IVF I do. Honestly, she knows we are going through IVF so I am surprised that she decided to unburden herself to me and not to someone else. Hubby and I are probably the last couple to complain to about having twins so I know that she must be very upset and in need of support. I just don't know if I can be that person...
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Belangalo
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So sorry to hear you are going though this. It sounds like your SIL is genuinely a bit worried about her situation but she clearly has no clue the anguish that IVF involves. At various times in our treatment my DH and I have had to tell our families that we will be out of communication for a while to focus on our treatment. It prob sounds selfish but they understood. I think there will be no getting away from the fact that you’ll have to have a difficult conversation with your SIL and stress how happy you are for her but that you need to keep the talk of babies to a minimum just while you are going through treatment as it’s too hard being around them/ pregnant people. A hard conversation but one worth having. My sister (who has had two babies since I started treatment only understood things when I described it to her as a “process of constant grief”. We are grieving the babies we could have had by now. Best of luck. xxx
Thank you for this. You're right that I need to just make a short and sweet statement and hope that she understands. I need to take care of myself and really, I am not good support in this state since it wouldn't be genuine - it would be me hurting and trying to say what she needs to hear. Hugs! We'll get there!!! We just have to keep going! XXXX
That is so tough. I feel like you hit the nail on the head with what to say though. "I love you but i can't support you right now. You know x and i have been going through a tough time TTC and we need to focus on that."
Caring people understand when you need to set boundaries for your own wellbeing.
You're right. It's a short conversation that needs to be had for my peace of mind. I really can't be the support she needs right now and I do hope that she understands. I would be THRILLED with twins. Gosh...I'm praying for it when we do our next cycle with double transfers!!! xxxxx
Oh dear, I’m so sorry you’ve had to sit through that. That’s incredibly insensitive of your SIL given she knows your situation. I remember when I saw my friend a few months after I had miscarried and she’d fallen pregnant with natural identical twins and she said she never wanted two and had a little moan and I just said well you’re so incredibly lucky to be having two healthy babies because I lost mine and I’m struggling to conceive...
Being told you’re having twins I’m sure is very scary, but know your audience and offload to the right person and not the one fighting to have her own baby. Honestly, people just do not get it unless they’ve gone through this battle themselves.
You could just send her a message and say to her, on reflection I don’t feel our conversation yesterday about you not wanting twins was appropriate to have with me given that I am in my situation trying for a baby. Explain that you’re happy for her but hurting for you, and it’s going to be hard for you to want to hear all of the details of her pregnancy right now but that doesn’t mean you don’t care, it just means you’re protecting yourself at this time and you hope she understands.
She may not have realised in that moment what she had said would have upset you either. She is probably in her own whirlwind. So a gentle FYI won’t go a miss.
Thank you! It sounds like you have been through the absolute wringer!!! That sort of conversation would just be the wound that never healed and I'd have dreaded going into work. I do need to just be firm and compassionate as I tell her that I love her and I support her but that I can't be her support right now. The last few days she has peppered me with her fears via text and I've been pretty short in my responses. I need to let her know ASAP to stop with the scan pics and upset! xxxx
Oh man! It never ceases to amaze me that some people just do not think of others ever. 🤯
She obviously trusts you and counts you as a friend.
You’ll defo need to say that you’re a bit raw at the minute with ivf and can’t face chats about babies. I’ve learnt to say ‘I don’t really want to hear about anymore babies’ every time my mum announces who’s having baby number three etc. It stops all conversations in their tracks. Then I ask about something else. It defo helps.
I’ve ladies at work at the mo who are having babies or sisters having babies..... so there’s a lot of baby scan pics etc. One actually showed me a scan pic the week I came back after a MMC and the surgery of my only ever positive .
It was really upsetting me so the last chat they had I asked .... when is your sister due!? Then said, mmmm I would have been due two weeks before her . Then chatted on about her dates etc..... the other woman finally realised how hurtful their chats were for me.... and have stopped them in front of me. It feels better. I also got to say that although miscarriages happened to 1 in 4.... as one of them said to try and help ..... yeah, 3/4 of people don’t get it!
Please put whatever wall up that you need to survive this journey . It’s hard enough without vinegar being poured on wounds 😩🥺 I think people who know about your ivf get bored with it 🤣😂 so instead of asking carefully about it they ignore it and steam roll on all over it 😤
Big love to ya. Those kids will be your nieces or nephews. It’s defo joyful , but painful because of your journey . I hope you can find a way to avoid the sting !
Vinegar into the wound is a perfect way to describe what it happening! I am so sorry for what you have gone through! Biggest hugs! I could seriously not have done it, walking into work and dealing with so much that would just leave me hurting all the time. I get teary getting babyshower invites! My sister is now TTC and trust me...when she announces she's pregnant and I'm expected to throw the babyshower...I'm going to throw up and have a melt down. I really just hope that it works for us both. Bestest luck and so so much babydust! xxxx
I can definitely relate to your situation. My mother in law decided to announce to my partner and I that my SIL is 5mths pregnant with her 3rd & unplanned child on Mother’s Day. I had just started my first round of IVF and feel the drugs just magnify every emotion. I’m really trying to move past the insensitivity. It’s not the fact that SIL is pregnant that I’m struggling with, more that it was hidden from me and then announced when I’m at my most vulnerable. (My partner knew & they persuaded him to keep it for me for a month so now feel like I was lied to)Other close friends have of course been pregnant during our 3yrs TTC - that feeling of jealousy and unfairness is something I’m familiar with. The self loathing for feeling like that is normally short lived. But now pumped with progesterone I don’t have a rational coping strategy. It’s been eating away at me & I have cut them off which only really hurts my partner & me. Now I’m in the 2ww I feel I need to clear the air as it’s ultimately me and my chance of of this working that is suffering. Initially I wanted control, but now I feel like we are missing support.
I know I haven’t given any advice for your situation but just wanted to reach out and say do whatever you need to do for you and if that changes along the way then fine. You have to be your priority. X
Some people are so insensitive or just stupid in this case. If she already knows about you doing ivf then tell her openly how you feel. Do not expect her to understand but that doesn’t matter, what is important is that right now you protect yourself and stay away from negative energy ❤️ I hope it goes well for you.
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Feeling down 
Difficult emotions
insensitive friend 
Best Friend has just found out she’s pregnant without trying!! 
Too close to home???
