How to deal with insensitive friends?

[polykleitos]

Hi everyone. I’m feeling really upset with some of my friends at the moment. I’m having IVF as a single person, so my friends are my support network. I’m so confused that these people who I love very dearly and have known for decades just really don’t seem to have any idea of what NOT to say. This is what has happened over the past weeks:


- One friend has asked me to arrange and host her baby shower at the end of the month;

- Another one messaged to ask how I was, so I told her. Right off the back of me saying I’d had a miscarriage and was very sick with stims, she messaged back to announce that she was happily pregnant ‘by accident’ and it was a ‘miracle’ because she ‘wasn’t even trying’;

- A third friend phoned up to ask how I was, then spoke about herself for 1 hour before saying that she really understood how painful EC and mild OHSS must be because she has her period and she’s needed to take a couple of paracetamols.

I genuinely am happy for my 2 pregnant friends and know I’ll love their babies so much when I meet them, but I can’t understand why they wouldn’t stop and think that these things might be wildly insensitive. All of these scenarios have just made me want to put huge distance between me and these friends, but I also don’t want to lose them from my life and have no friends!

Has anyone else had similar situations and how have you dealt with them over the longer term?

[Millbanks]

Hey lovely,

Sorry to hear about your friends being insensitive.

One thing I learned is that unless you've been through it (or are extraordinarily empathetic) it's very hard to understand how your comments can be perceived.

I would be very honest with them - as it only builds up resentment and drives a wedge. Tell them how you feel and why, and I'm sure they will be mortified that they've upset you.

Re your friend with the period pains... I also find that people who really want to connect with you often try to find similarities - she may be sitting at home thinking "what a silly comment" or she may have no idea, but I don't think it's done out of anything except love and support.

xx

[Positive20]

I have to agree with Millbanks, if you’ve never been through IVF or anything fertility related, you can guarantee people will have no idea and unfortunately never will. A lot of people don’t know what to say either or how to behave, they don’t know if to avoid talking about things or just behave normally.

I’ve had comments and people suggesting I go to things like baby showers and Christmas outings with all my cousins kids when people have known what I was going through but just said they didn’t want me being left out even though at the time it was the worst thing I could say I’d go to. Xx

[Tir-26]

it’s very difficult, your friends are hurting for you too and those comments are not intended to hurt. Those comments are made out of a desire to say something that will defuse the whole thing. I’ve been hurt by friends and my mum, most of the time it’s because they simply don’t know or they think they know. I opened up a little more and included my husband in chats with my closest friend, she has then quietly spread the word among the others. Hope my exp is helpful x

[Britt86]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I can actually relate so much!! My younger sister started trying to get pregnant around the same time as I did, she was able to get pregnant pretty fast and has since had 2 kids while I still haven’t had any. She had me plan/host her baby shower which I hated having to do but felt so obligated… I would recommend telling that friend that you think it would be too hard to do while you’re going through everything you’re going through. I have had countless friends announce their pregnancies over the 5 years of TTC, they all invited me to their baby showers and I wish they would have given me an out so I didn’t feel obligated to go…as the other people have mentioned, it’s hard for others to know what we’re going through. Figuring out what your triggers are and figuring out how you can vocalize them or avoid them will do wonders for you! I’m just learning how to do this for myself now and my friends have overall been receptive! Good luck on this tough journey and know that it is making us all much stronger women because of it! 💪❤️

[Mudra85 in reply to Britt86]

Would second this. Telling your friend that you don't think you can host her baby shower because you feel it'd be too painful for you given everything you're going through to have a child of your own seems like a good starting point. Honest but gentle discussions with your other friends would be a good next step if you feel able to do that. Good luck with however you decide to approach things! X

[HollyT7]

yeah I got asked how my cat was after I’d told my bestie we’d had a miscarriage, that was just aftwr she said ooooooh so close! 🙄 like I’d hit the goal post instead of scoring the goal. I just kept to myself after that x

[Britt86 in reply to HollyT7]

I’m so sorry you went through that! When I told one of my sisters I had an ectopic pregnancy, this is exactly what she wrote back “Ohh no! My seester! I’m sorry. You’re getting closer though... just challenging your strength 💋”…… I had to have my second fallopian tube removed from emergency surgery, it was the exact opposite of getting closer 🙄. Some ppl are legit stupid and not born with an empathetic bone in their body…

[HollyT7 in reply to Britt86]

I firmly believe that unless you’ve been through all this, you just don’t have a clue. Sometimes they say things and it’s like, are you for real? My cousin told us on Xmas day that she was pregnant (3 months after having her last), and said that I needed to hurry up and out the (frozen embryo) other one back in. Like that just means it would work and I’d have a baby 🙄 (we had actually just started meds for our frozen transfer so the timing was perfect lol) If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry right 😂

[Britt86 in reply to HollyT7]

ughhhh that’s so frustrating!! It blows my mind how insensitive some people are! 🤯🤯🤯

[Rosebud3]

I too can very much relate to this! I remember the first Christmas we began going through fertility treatment, 2 of my dearest friends decided to give us personalised Christmas cards covered in photos of their newborns/themselves as a family. Sadly, there have been so many insensitive comments/conversations/situations since. Like the others have said, I genuinely don’t think people intend to cause harm, most people just don’t have empathy (especially long term empathy), and some people are just wrapped up in their own lives.

Over the years, we’ve learnt that this process is such a life changing/enriching and soul searching journey, it teaches you so much about yourself and the people around you. Over time, it does make you want to cut out the bulls**t in your life, and very sadly you realise that some friends who you thought would be lifelong friends, actually aren’t true friends at all.

Focus your time and energies on you at the moment, and the people who are truly there for you.

Wishing you all the best ✨

[NemoFish]

I’d actually go as far as suggesting the first two might not be as good as friends as you/ they think they are. I agree that people who don’t go through IVF don’t understand what it’s like, but anyone with half a brain cell wouldn’t announce their pregnancy on the back of someone informing them of a miscarriage, let alone in the same conversation!

The third friend I think was just trying to empathise, albeit a bit wrongly. Some people have no idea what egg collection entails x

[butterfliez]

I totally understand how these comments/suggestions from your friends would cause you to be upset and think that they are just selfish, as most have already said here people just do not get it and that sadly do not even take the time to try to understand or even be sensitive around us.

Most of us have faced this extra layer of shit as part of fertility struggles/ivf/loss . I can tell you that some of the comments Ive had have been just completely dreadful too. I do believe they just do not even realise sometimes that they are causing us distress, they are oblivious to it. I won't go on about myself but wanted to give you an example of how people are, after our first embryo failed to thaw (so did not get to a transfer) my sister in law said why don't you try surrogacy it's easier !! she has no clue what goes into it all so I was offended by her easier comment.

We had success with our first ever transfer after this, but sadly lost our baby six weeks before her due date, even then some family/friends have not held back with their insensitivity.

on the day after our loss a friend sent one text saying how sorry she was , I heard nothing more for a month, then a few weeks later she text saying "baby number 3 on the way, last one to complete our family. with a smiley face". I was so upset that she was so careless how she announced the news never even asked how I was . I did keep in contact but not for long, we have drifted. I did congratulate her on the birth, she then went into detail how utterly perfect and amazing the birth was (knowing how traumatic and tragic mine was), and how she was taking in every moment as she was sad to think this is her last newborn baby. not realising how sad this made me everything we didn't get and also that us having to face ivf do not get to choose if, when and how many babies we will have.

we have since had 3 further failed transfers and waiting to start another full cycle , one bright spark said why don't they just get more eggs out of you so you have lot's to keep trying 🙄, yes wouldn't that be great!!

just know you can come here to vent and let out all your feelings with others like me who will understand, regarding your friends baby shower, I would actually try to have a chat with her and express how difficult this would be for you, after ivf/ loss, surely she will then realise her mistake. I myself cannot attend baby showers as I find them to be a big trigger for me. xx

[polykleitos]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm so sorry that so many of you have had these experiences too. I think it's right that my friends are just genuinely oblivious to the extent of the psychological, emotional and physical toll of fertility treatment.

I've told my friend I can't do her baby shower - and she understood that. I don't think she meant any harm but just really doesn't understand.

NemoFish Yeah, I did feel the pregnant by accident friend was being deliberately cruel. She did this on my birthday too!

Thanks to those who've suggested that the friend with period pains was trying to help/connect (but in a misguided way). Now I'm less upset I can see that this was probably her attempt to just say something or share in the pain of it all.

So grateful for this forum!

[Hockey112]

Hope you’re ok, lovely. We are here for you xx

[polykleitos in reply to Hockey112]

oh thank you so much for your kindness. It’s making me all teary xxx

[Missionofendo]

I am so sorry to hear of the insensitivity.

I’m also a single woman who lost her baby thru TFMR which was and still is heartbreaking.

It’s life changing loosing a precious pregnancy that you have planned wanted and hoped and worked hard for.

Whilst they may think their words are completely ok trying to help but it’s not ok left you feeling more alone.

I had to change my friends up and only Lean on the supportive ones only.

I think you’re able to put up boundaries too if needed. Good friends will understand.

You have to look after you and a baby shower could be the last thing you feel like or should be doing.

I don’t want to write negative stuff about your friends but I understand your pain.

Only you know if you should discuss any of it further with them so they understand more and maybe back off.

Or leave it.

You do whatever you need to do.

It’s a bumpy journey without theses words from your friends. Maybe write them a letter or send an email if you don’t want to go over it with them.

I’m rooting for you,

Claire 🙏🤍

[polykleitos in reply to Missionofendo]

I'm so sorry for your loss Claire. It's totally heartbreaking. Thank you for your kind wishes and advice. I'm sending you all the good vibes and luck for your next steps xxx

[Missionofendo in reply to polykleitos]

Thanks - some people just don’t know what to say unfortunately.

But we do on here and back your feelings up.

I’m so very sorry for your loss too seems even harder when you do it alone.

But you will smile again I promise x

My best wishes x

[Seren0119]

No one understands IVF unless they have been through it.

I would try and explain; but if they still don’t get it, do what you need to protect yourself. This is such a painful process, you need to be surrounded by love, care and comfort. True friends will last the distance. IVF certainly shows who those true friends are…

X

[Hidden]

Hi so sorry to hear this but sadly as I've found over the course of losing 3 babies while dealing with pregnant drug addicts that what comes put of people's mouths still astounds me.

Since my losses I have distanced myself from those people who either didn't support me or said or did ridiculous things.

I have 3 solid friends and I get great support from them.

I find it inexcusable for people to say anything upsetting but somehow it just keeps happening.

My advice is to be upfront with them and hopefully they start being empathetic and sensitive to your needs and if not stick with those who do.

Seems like people here can also offer lots of good support and encouragement too, though I realise it's no substitute for a solid mate!

Sending hugs x

[rainbowbaby8320]

hello

I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt about your friends’ comments… I think I have an interesting perspective to share with you!

Before I was struggling to have a second child I had a friend who had gone through a lot of cycles to conceive and she never did… looking back I think I was trying to be supporting but I think maybe I had no idea what it was like for her…?

Roll forward a bit - I had my son through ivf and conceived from first cycle… she slowly cut herself out of my life after seeing him? Kept cancelling arrangements to see each other… I had known her since age 12 at school?! So I found this really hurtful- I really wanted her to have a baby and I couldn’t fix things for her which was upsetting! But I also still feel like it wasn’t my fault!!

Roll forward a few more years… I’ve been trying to have a second child for two years with no success… just transferred my fifth embryo. My perspective now is that I’m very aware of trying not to feel resentful at any successes for other people/friends… I don’t think I would have been anyway - I just don’t begrudge anything to anyone even if it’s something I really want but can’t have myself…

I think in spite of what I said above it still feels sad and hopeless when people around you are having babies and you can’t seem to get there x

I think maybe your friends are trying but they really can’t understand what it’s like x I think they are worth having though! I used to feel sad that my friend no longer sees me or my son but she is ‘ok’ with strangers having children?

Anyway … I just wanted to share that perspective as someone who has been on both sides of the fence…

Another friends baby will be born very soon and I’m going to go out and buy a lovely present and give it some cuddles. As much as this will be slightly sad for me I’m trying to fight to be happy for other peoples happinesses? Xx

I know it’s not easy x