Difficult emotions: After a year of... - Fertility Network UK

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Difficult emotions


After a year of confiding in my friend about our successive IVF failures, early miscarriage and recent attempt that ended in such poor fertilisation it’s made us think this could be the end of the road, she informed me yesterday that they are pregnant with twins. She told me they would begin trying at the end of the year so it literally must have taken them a month or two. Of course I wouldn’t wish any of what we’re going through on her, but it does feel like life has delivered me a slap in the face once again just as I was getting into a better place and steeling myself for the year ahead. I am once again consumed with thoughts of “why me?” and “it’s not fair” and hate feeling like this instead of being able to share in the excitement of my friend's news. I hate how this journey sucks any kind of joy out of life.

23 Replies

I'm so sorry to hear that and I think it's natural for you to feel that

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone either and I do genuinely feel pleased for others close to me who are pregnant but when I see stories of those who accidentally got pregnant or didn't want them or anything like that it does get to me thinking why is It so damn easy for some

And for us- even if we do get a miraculous bfp- our nightmare doesn't end as so many complications and risks

Try to separate what you are feeling for your friend and feeling for yourself.

Remind yourself you are grieving YOUR loss....not resenting their happiness. Send good vibes to them while metaphorically giving yourself a hug

Might seem strange but reminding yourself of that distinction means you can separate your feelings from her and lessen the guilt and grief you're feeling

If she is a good friend and has been supportive and isn't throwing this in your face then it's worth trying to manage it XX

If she is being insensitive or you are uncomfortable with her talking to you about it then you can talk to her later hopefully x

Saya85 in reply to Saya85

Just to add..... I was 5 weeks pregnant yday..... I went to visit my cousin whose wife has just had twins after IVF....

I started cramping and bleeding heavily whilst I was there ......

And for hours after .... I don't know if I'm still pregnant but it was sad seeing such an inspirational story of success in front of me whilst I was possibly losing mine

I had to confide in the mum as I needed some pads and she was so lovely and supportive but sometimes life really does throw you curveballs

I guess I'm also saying..... I do get how you feel xx

Tugsgirl in reply to Saya85

Oh no. I really hope everything is ok xx

Saya85 in reply to Tugsgirl

Thanks ..... Cramps have gone and just a light red watery bleed as I wipe now

Won't know until the scan tomorrow what's happened

Just resting for now. Feel strangely calm

P.s. is your profile pic a recent one? You're glowing !! 😍

Tugsgirl in reply to Saya85

Haha thank you but no, it was the summer, hence the glow. I can assure you that I’m far from glowing at the moment lol.

I’m glad to hear your cramping has stopped and the bleeding has slowed. That’s promising. Wishing you lots of luck for tomorrow 🤞🏻 xx

Thank you, maybe I’m just not such a good person or maybe I just need a bit more time but finding it hard to separate the emotions right now. I don’t get like this when it’s someone who has struggled a long time, that’s different somehow. Whenever I would talk about the IVF, while she was understanding, she would launch straight into “we’re going to start trying again!” in an excited tone (they already have one). Also she’s told me very early on which made me wonder if there’s an element of gloating to it, but honestly there’s never a good time as by her 12 week scan we could be gearing up for another cycle or dealing with difficult decisions etc etc. You’re right that ultimately it’s my situation that’s the problem though, not theirs.

I’m so sorry to hear about your bleeding, I really hope everything works out for you. I can totally understand that numb feeling - think it’s our bodies just switching off and saying “enough” after being in such a state of anxiety for so long. That’s another thing IVF robs you of - the chance to just sit back and enjoy pregnancy. Anyway it’s very good that it’s eased off so fingers crossed 🤞 xxx

It's natural to feel those things and maybe because I've always known I would have issues having children it's been easier to accept over time

Best thing is try not to react straight away.... Allow yourself to feel and process privately and then when you're ready to face it you can deal with it in a better way.

Thanks for your well wishes

Im hoping for the best but expecting the worst

I was in a similar situation when I started ivf. I was talking about it to one of my bffs, we were on our way to go potholing for my birthday and she told me she was 5 weeks pregnant. They’d tried one month. We’d already been trying naturally for what seemed an eternity. She went potholing with me anyway. I wouldn’t have risked it in a million years! Baby was fine. I tried to be happy and supportive her whole pregnancy, even offered to be her birthing partner if her OH chickened out (he threatened to). Hubby and I were one of her first visitors in hospital.

I guess I’m telling you this because most of us have been in similar situations. Like the time I had my second missed miscarriage and that same friend was on baby no.2, due two weeks before I had been and my other BFF was due two months before both of us.

It’s not fair. It’s bloody horrible and painful. It is a kick in the teeth. You’re allowed to feel how you’re feeling. It’s normal. Do what you need to do during this difficult time xx

It certainly is a kick in the teeth. I know most of us on here have dealt with these situations, inevitably I guess. It’s so much harder when it’s those closest to you, as you don’t want to be feeling negative about their happiness and also don’t want to lose their friendship by avoiding them. That’s really strong of you to have been there so much for your friend through her pregnancy and birth in spite of it all. You are one tough lady. Hopefully now you have some good karma coming your way 😊 xxx

It’s totally understandable that you feel this way. No matter how hard we try to put on that brave face and even though we are genuinely happy for other people that are pregnant, it still hurts and makes you question why me.

I think I’ve got a bit better at numbing myself to it over the years, as it got to the point where I removed myself from lots of social things if I knew pregnant friends were there and when I realised people avoided telling me there happy news, that hurt aswell.

Life is cruel and it’s really unfair that you have to go through so much to try and have your dream baby like the rest of us. But how strong you are to keep going despite the disappointment and heartbreak. Wishing you all the best and that 2019 will be your year for getting your BFP 💕🙏xX

Thank you, wishing you all the best as well. It’s going to be a tough 2019 with more of these announcements in between more heartbreak I’m sure, but that’s the card we’ve been dealt. We’ll get there eventually xxx

Also just to say I’ve just seen what an exceptionally difficult time you’ve had over the past few weeks - I’m so sorry for your loss. You are very kind to be offering support to others at this difficult time - I feel like a whining little girl in comparison! I hope you have managed to spend Christmas surrounded by loved ones who have supported you through this. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

Thank you Hun. It has been the worse thing we have ever been through, but we have our memory box to hold on to and managed to spend 9 days with our little girl before we had to say goodbye at her funeral. Our family and friends have been an amazing support.

Don’t ever feel like your whining though. This journey is so difficult and seems neverending at times. I’m positive we’ll get there eventually! Wishing you all the best in 2019 ❤️XX

I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for you. I’m glad to hear you have such great support around you, the only thing worse would be going through it alone.

Thanks for the well wishes, I wish you a much better 2019 too 🙏 Here’s to future happiness Xxx

I can very much relate to you. This is a very difficult situation to be in. However, I am sure things will work for you. Just keep yourself busy. One of the reasons why I started taking yoga classes was so that I could create a barrier. The barrier between the negativity and me. When you're TTC it is very important to have mental peace. Sending baby dust your way.

That’s such a great idea, thank you for sharing. Yoga can be so healing and I’ve been meaning to do more of it - I’ve never thought of creating a mental barrier though, it’s a great way to look at it. That will be my New Years resolution!

I just wanted to say that your feelings are normal and you’re not alone. I’ve had to deal with a few pregnancy announcements in December and one of my friends decided to inform me of hers on Xmas day which made it even worse. All my friends are in late 30s and all conceived within 1-2 months, whereas a lot of couples from this forum, including myself have to go through very difficult experiences and make difficult decisions on the way.

I spoke to my counsellor about the feelings of resentment, anger, “why me?” etc. She told me that all these emotions are generated by our ego and the only way to not to get down is to practice gratitude which gives us strength. I have then thrown myself into exploration of ego and read a great book by Eckhart Tolle - “A new earth”. It helped me to increase my awareness and to deal with the emotions and situations. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get upset, because I certainly do, but once I managed to notice what is happening, it somehow helps. Sending you a big hug xx

Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll definitely look that up 😊 It makes sense to try and work on our own response to things as that’s all we can control at the end of the day. This Christmas period I’ve been focused on all I have to feel grateful for and was in a much better place, which is partly why I resent being thrown back into these emotions! But life will keep throwing things at you, not everything is on our terms. I’m sorry your friend was insensitive enough to share her news on Xmas day when she knows your situation - I have no idea what goes through people’s minds! Xx

I know what you mean about being in a much better place and then being suddenly thrown out of it. I often feel that way. I could feel great for a few weeks or months and then someone announces their pregnancy and the button gets pressed! But I have noticed I bounce back quicker than a few years ago and I know that you will too and you most likely have already.

Yes, my friend was very insensitive which was very disappointing. To be honest only one of my pregnant friends tried to break the news in a sensitive way to me and I really was grateful for this as she considered my feelings whereas other friends don’t seem to think about anyone but themselves. But it looks like all of us on this forum have to deal with the insensitivity of other people. Xx

I feel your heart ache. I’m so sorry xxx

Thank you xxx

Aww, I’m so sorry that you feel this way. If it helps in any way I have felt all of these feelings and the guilt for feeling this way. You are only human and your feelings matter.

When my best friend found out she was pregnant again she told me first and said ‘I know this is going to hurt because I’ve become pregnant so easily’ and knowing that she saw how difficult it was really helped.

Sending hugs your way xx

Heya how feeling. Oh I can so relate to all these feelings. It not surprising u feel this way. I often have a sense of this is not fair and why me. Really hope u get there with everything. Guess can only go on our own journey and support ourselves through it.

Take good care xx

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