Not feeling great ..

[XOXO13]

I don’t really know the purpose of this post except that I feel I need to get how I feel off my chest before I burst.

It’s ironic, I’m quite capable of telling people that it’s okay to feel a certain way about whatever situation they’re in yet I can’t accept my own advice.

I had a miscarriage in March with my first baby, and went through my first failed IVF cycle in November. I’m due to start again in January 🤞🏻

My miscarriage hit me really hard and I’ve struggled with that for a long time. I’ve done everything I can to get myself into a good and healthy mindset - yoga, pilates, healthy eating, lots of walking, lots of me time, meditation, reflexology, acupuncture etc. (Really, I’ll try anything!)

Anyhow, I struggle with pregnancy announcements like many of you but I’ve particularly struggled with my little sisters news.

My little sister is nearly 20 weeks pregnant. She fell pregnant unexpectedly, unplanned and whilst on the pill which makes this situation even harder for me to swallow and my feelings even more complex.

Today she found out she’s having a baby girl, which is wonderful news and I am pleased for her but I feel so heartbroken for myself and my husband - I just cried.

My sister is my bestfriend. She’s so supportive and kind and beautiful and I love her so much which is why I think I’m struggling with these complex feelings.

She announced her pregnancy online today but also announced the name of her baby - which she didn’t tell me about. I felt really hurt by that. I don’t think she realised I didn’t know - I’d like to think she would have shared such a lovely thing.

Seeing her pregnant belly (I’ve not seen her since the summer) and all of my family and my friends be so excited for her for some reason stung me. And then my eldest sister shared it on her social page and says how excited she is ..

I felt utter jealously at seeing all of my family and friends gush over the news and I know it’s because I want it to be me. I feel like it was my time to have a baby and it’s been taken away from me. I also feel embarrassed that I’m in this situation - that it’s my fault. It makes me feel like an outsider with my own family. They all live in the same city too so see each other frequently whereas I don’t.

My mum tells me it’s not a race and it will be my turn soon but it was my turn, it was taken away from me. My mum knows how I feel, how much I struggle with this and on the surface I’ve supported my sister as much as I can but it’s just too difficult for me. I can’t bring myself to see her and she keeps messaging me saying she loves me and is thinking of me and I just can’t bring myself to respond.

Right now, I feel like I want to be away from my family to protect myself. But at the same time I feel so isolated and lonely even though i have the most amazing husband.

This is a very long post and I’m sorry - but my chest is burning right now so I needed to write all of this down in the hope it eases how I feel.

This whole journey completely sucks. I hate that any of us have to go through the pain and really wish it was much easier and kinder on us ♥️

If you’ve read all the way to the end then thank you so much xx

[Hidden]

Hey lovely. I am afraid there is no magic fix to this but I wanted to say everything you are feeling is totally natural and I wanted to send you a hug.

I was in the same position as you when my sister got pregnant, it broke my heart. I found her pregnancy so difficult and hated her whilst loving her at the same time. I resented her so much and was so jealous too. When my nephew was born I cried for my lost baby and failed ivf - we could have been pregnant together! But very soon once baby was here I found it much easier and loved being with him and now I adore him and he’s nearly three.

However my sister is pregnant again, and I’ve had more losses and more failed IVF! I am really struggling with it again and the sight of her bump and her Facebook announcement just hurt me so much it broke me for days

Like I say there isn’t a solution but I wanted to know you are not alone and it’s very very normal, and I wanted to send you a huge hug and lots of love xx

[XOXO13 in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry you’ve also had to go through this - I was hurt when my close friend was pregnant but with my sister it’s hurting even more. I can’t imagine having to suffer the same pain again so I really do feel for you. Is your sister aware of how you feel? Mine is, and she’s trying so hard to be supportive but I think that then makes me feel worse for feeling so bad if that makes any sense! Big hugs to you xx

[F_J_762301]

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It took me a long time to..i wont say 'get over it' because i dont think you ever do..but to get past my feelings after my miscarriage. And even now over 2 years later i still have times where i am just hit by an overwhelming sadness and i cant stop the tears. It doesnt help I still havent had another pregnancy.

Its so tough when others announce their pregnancy news. Youre so happy for them but so desperately sad for yourself. I dont think theres a combination of feelings like it. I dont have a sister, but i did post on here a while ago about my close friends pregnancy news. I found it really hard and was tearful for days. They had only been trying a few months, it feels so unfair when you have been trying for years and also lost a baby. I read something a while ago about there being no limit on the number of babies born and that you dont want their baby, you want your own. Sometimes i think about that and sometimes it helps a little.

I think its normal to want a little break from your family while you process it all. Also i would recommend a break from social media.

I had some counselling about 6 months after my miscarriage and it really helped with my feelings surrounding that and my infertility. Sending big hugs xx

[XOXO13 in reply to F_J_762301]

I think that’s so true - this doesn’t ever go away, not at least until we have our own babies. My acupuncturist actually told me the same thing.. it’s hard to see others go through a much easier journey even though I’d never wish what I’m going through on another person. I’m happy for my sister and the fact everything is going so well, but I’m hurting for me - it’s so conflicting.

My acupuncturist also asked me to describe in one word how I was feeling and I could only say exhausted - mentally and physically exhausted from this past year. I don’t think anyone truly understands that unless they’re living with our situations.

Big hugs to you xx

[Sparklylife]

I fear nothing I will say will make it any better. I am so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to send you a virtual hug! Be kind to yourself and I am glad your husband is there to support you 🧡

[XOXO13 in reply to Sparklylife]

Thank you, and to you too ♥️ Xx

[minnesota_girl]

Hi lovely I've been in your position, and it doesn't get easier but I go through stages of greater peace as I go. My sister in law'was pregnant at the same time as me with her second child and I lost mine, and when my husband and I were fighting about trying to conceive we found out she was accidentally pregnant with her first after only being with her partner for 5 months. And I've cried more than I like to admit with every pregnancy announcement, and I've sometimes had to avoid extended family events as they're totally focused around kids and babies and my husband and I are the only ones without kids.

It's hard not to feel like you're suspended in time while everyone else is moving.

You've always got us to talk to, and all your feelings are natural. I'm doing my third cycle in January too, lets keep in touch xx

[XOXO13 in reply to minnesota_girl]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so unfair.

I think I’ve done the same, since finding out some days I’ve been fine and then others are tougher though I’ve never let my sister see it. When she first found out, she was so scared and heartbroken to tell me and I think my big sister instinct kicked in and it’s been there ever since. But yesterday just made it all the more real. She suddenly went from being my little sister to being my pregnant little sister .. and that somehow changed how I was feeling in an instant.

And that’s exactly how I feel, suspended in time. It’s awful.

Are you going through fresh or frozen in January? I start my FET medication as soon as my cycle starts (which will be late as my scan showed I’m about a week behind in my cycle... fun). Xx

[try2020]

I can feel your pain through your words, life can seem so desperately unfair sometimes. Sending you hugs 🧡

[XOXO13 in reply to try2020]

🧡🧡

[Bunnys123]

Stay strong. It is so hard when everyone else around you feels like they are getting exactly what we all want with ease. You’re not alone 🙏🏻✨ xoxo

[XOXO13 in reply to Bunnys123]

🧡🧡

[Calligraphy2020]

I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. I wish you good luck with your journey xx

[XOXO13 in reply to Calligraphy2020]

Thank you 🧡

[anz07]

I’m so very sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have had two embryo transfers to date, both of which ended in early miscarriages. The first transfer was crushing for a variety of reasons but the second transfer was even more devastating. I was pregnant for a little longer and really thought it was a done deal. Had so many positive feelings...only to lose the pregnancy, again. What made it worse was that I unfortunately had 2 close friends also go through IVF at the same time as me (one for my first cycle and another for my second). Both got pregnant and are obviously now expecting their babies at the same time I should have had mine. I’ve also had another close friend (more like family, we have known each other since birth as our mums met in the hospital!) recently tell me she’s pregnant...and 6 months pregnant at that. She felt she couldn’t tell me earlier because of everything I’d been through. That was crushing.

Dealing with infertility and miscarriage is difficult enough without having to muster up the strength to pretend to be happy for others. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to have to deal with your sister’s pregnancy. I wish there was something I could say to make things better. The only thing I’ve found to help recently is to try and focus on my own journey. I have deactivated my Facebook and Instagram as the pregnancy announcements and baby updates were draining me. I’ve also come to appreciate the coronavirus lockdowns - yes, they are a pain but thank God I don’t have to see all these people that drain me!! I’m also trying acupuncture, making fruit smoothies to improve my diet and trying meditation. Anything you can do to make you feel like you’re contributing to your next cycle can help mentally.

I hope you feel better soon. Keep busy and focus on the things that make YOU happy. Sending lots of love xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to anz07]

I’m so so sorry for your losses .. life can be so cruel and the trauma of losing your babies so very raw and real.

I’m so sorry you’re surrounded by pregnant friends as well, it’s so hard to be in that position. It sounds like your bestfriend was really sensitive of your feelings but I can also understand that it’s upsetting she felt she couldn’t tell you sooner - I was the same when my close friend told me about her twins. It goes back to having all of those conflicting feelings which are confusing.

I’ve just started acupuncture - had my second session Thursday. How are you finding it? My acupuncturist told me I have a blocked spleen and digestive system which I found really interesting! I also tried reflexology for months to try ease my anxiety.

I’ve actually come to appreciate the lockdown - I think I’m the type of person that when going through a tough time, I need my own space and quietness and Covid has allowed that in many ways (if there ever was such a thing as a silver line).

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to put yourself in a good situation mentally. Wishing you so much luck and big hugs 🧡 xxx

[anz07 in reply to XOXO13]

Thank you, I'm sorry to hear of all you are going through too. This process can be so upsetting but it will make us stronger people (and better parents) in the long-run.

Great that you've started acupuncture. Are you enjoying it so far? I've only had two sessions to date but they haven't been quite what I imagined. I find the needles a little painful and have had them put in uncomfortable places such as the palms of my hands and the back of my head!! I don't know whether to keep it up or not...a little torn at the moment!

The lockdown is indeed a saviour in many ways. I don't think I could handle seeing my pregnant friends face-to-face at the moment. I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas and take some time out to rest and recover. Sending love and hugs xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to anz07]

I think it’s been interesting - I’ve also just had two sessions. The first the needles were in my belly and my lower legs - I barely felt them, but my feet were freezing so he said that’s maybe why! My second session I had them in my wrist, upper back and lower back - I found them uncomfortable. I just close my eyes and take huge breathes and just count in my head so that I distract myself from that slight ache as they go in because otherwise I’d probably freak out!

I’m going to keep trying it because my stomach has felt a little better and feet less cold - I also think at the moment I’ll put my faith into anything to try make the next cycle work!

Have you tried reflexology? That’s very relaxing and my lady works with my cycles. You may prefer that?

Fingers crossed 2021 is our year ✨🤞🏻✨ xxx

[anz07 in reply to XOXO13]

That's good to know, glad I'm not the only one finding the needles a little painful! I feel the same...want to keep it up in case it is doing any benefit to my body. I just find the actual session stressful!! I will have a look at reflexology too, thank you.

Wishing you all the best and keeping everything crossed for 2021! xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to anz07]

I prefer reflexology .. it is slightly painful at certain times but again, I close my eyes and remind myself why I’m doing it!

Wishing you all of the best as well, 2021 hopefully will bring us both some brighter news and happiness 💫 xx

[Green-elephants]

Hi. Like others have said your feeling are perfectly normal. I am in the same position. I've been trying for years, in feb had a failed fresh transfer, in October had a frozen transfer which was positive but ended in an early miscarriage, awaiting my next frozen transfer in Jan/Feb. My youngest sister is pregnant, due feb, I took the news badly to start with but feel I have been managing well since. I worry for feb though. I know she has had many miscarriages before this success ♡ I'm trying to keep positive xxx

Sending hugs to you and lots of baby dust for your next try ♡

[XOXO13 in reply to Green-elephants]

I’m so sorry to read of your losses .. it’s so painful 💔 And that you’re in the same position with a younger sibling pregnant. I’m also sorry she’s had to suffer losses previously. Sometimes when I see a pregnant lady and I’m having a bad day, I remind myself that her journey may not have been easy before her rainbow either. That sometimes helps me to process my feelings.

Fingers crossed for your FET in Jan/Feb.. wishing you so much luck and baby dust 🤞🏻✨♥️ Xx

[Betty08x]

I know it must be hard to share all of that but I can guarantee there are so many of us on here that have had similar feelings/experiences and can totally understand where you are coming from, myself included. So sorry you are feeling all of this right now ❤️

I too have a lovely supportive family - two sisters and a brother who have all conceived “accidentally” 4 times between them. My younger sister has a beautiful one year old and I really struggled with her pregnancy as it was when I’d just found out we needed IVF. She was on the pill too. She cried when she told me because she felt bad. I felt like everyone pitied me, at times I still do.

It’s okay to feel like you cant face your sister right now. You’ve been through a really tough time and are about to start your second round. You need to take care of yourself and focus on you and if that means not speaking as much I’m sure she would understand.

One thing I’ve done which has really helped me is come off all social media. I felt like all id see were pregnancy announcements or baby pictures and it would get me so down. I would really suggest giving this a try, we spend so much time scrolling on there looking at other people’s lives and for what purpose?

It’s great that you have an amazing husband, this whole process is so bloody hard but it has made me feel lucky for my relationship with my husband. And when the time comes for us have our babies we will make the most loving parents because of this ❤️

Wishing you lots of luck with your second round☺️🤞🏼 Xx

[XOXO13 in reply to Betty08x]

I also have two sisters and a brother who all have children!! I have three nephews and a niece 🧡

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I hope your IVF cycle is a success for you 🤞🏻✨

I’ve just switched off my social accounts for that reason - baby news everywhere and now my feed targets me with more baby related stuff! I actually like photography and using my Insta for that so it’s sad to have to feel like I can’t be on it incase I get upset. But for now it’s the right thing.

You’re so right.. our turn will make it even more special ♥️ - thank you. Sending you lots of baby dust, good luck and love 🤞🏻✨♥️ Xx

[Betty08x in reply to XOXO13]

Yes I found that too - not only baby posts but baby product adverts etc 🤦🏻‍♀️ It’s definitely good to take a break from it.

It’s hard but we both have positives to be grateful for- lovely family and husbands, plus we have plans in place for treatment which is a big positive in itself.

I hopefully start my second cycle in Jan, here’s to a happy new year 🤞🏼 Xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to Betty08x]

We do, thank you 🧡

Fingers crossed it is a very happy new year for us both 🤞🏻✨ xx

[Rain415]

Do not feel embarrassed about how you are feeling! Seems everyone is getting pregnant around me and it is so hard to stop that cheated jealous feeling I tired to push it down - didn't go so well. Think forward to your next transfer, mine is also in january wish you all the luck in the world. X

[XOXO13 in reply to Rain415]

Thank you .. wishing you so much luck for your January transfer 🤞🏻✨ xx

[Crumble7]

Sending you lots of love. It's really horrible and I can empathise with not following your own advice as I always tell others its OK to feel whatever you feel but then feel guilty about my own feelings. Since we've been on this 4 year infertility journey there has been 4 pregnancy announcements just from our immediate family let alone cousins and friends and I've found it very hard. Our families know but don't understand and I really struggled with parties etc. I think because I appeared so 'OK' and happy everybody thought I was fine and every conversation etc was focused around the children and I was sort of forced (in a nice way) to hold/ feed the baby when all I wanted to do was run away! It puts you in a difficult situation of either having to actually be a mood killer by explaining that your actually not OK or just pretending everything is fine whilst silently dying inside. I know I should explain my feelings so they can understand better but really don't want the pity or attention or hate to think anyone feels they gave to hide things from me.

Sorry for the long reply just wanted to show your not alone and to send lots of love to you. 💜💜

[XOXO13]

Ow I’m so sorry, that must be very tough to have to deal with. In the summer time, I was in a very bad place but I kept smiling and going and then one day I just crashed. I had to speak to my line manager at work and tell her I wasn’t okay - and she said she had no idea because she’s always thought of me as so well put together and strong. So sometimes it’s good to say aloud “I’m not okay”.

But I also understand exactly what you say, that you don’t want to be a mood killer. It’s why I avoid group things these days and especially when I’m not feeling it because pretending can be very tiring!

I hope 2021 is much brighter ✨

Thank you for opening up and sharing your thoughts xxx

[Crumble7 in reply to XOXO13]

Sending you lots of love for 2021 💜

[Minnie92]

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this and I’m sending you such a big virtual hug, it’s just so shit for you, you have every right to feel all the emotions you’re feeling right now and it’s good to get things off your chest. I distanced myself from a lot of friends and family when we were having ivf. We started trying for a baby long before any of our friends and they all got pregnant straight away, some were offended when I didn’t go to their baby shower which baffles me still. And to this day I think I have some sort of PTSD from the years and years of treatment and heartbreak. I think sometimes for your own mental health it’s ok to tell people you need your own space and it doesn’t mean you aren’t happy for your sister it just means you’re sad for yourself. No one understands the pain of infertility and the grief that comes with having a miscarriage, it’s emotionally draining. I used to tell myself only strong people can go through ivf/miscarriage cos let’s be honest it’s f*****g awful and no one can understand it unless they’ve been through it. Take some time for yourself and get your mind prepared for your next cycle, positive thoughts only and put all your energy towards your cycle in January, be kind to yourself you have been through a lot. Sending you lots of love xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to Minnie92]

Thank you so much for your kind words of support ... it really means a lot and gives me strength knowing that I have so much support in a community such as this.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this .. how are things for you today? I have read that PTSD is actually quite common in those going through baby loss, IVF and any form of fertility issues and honestly I’m not surprised. It’s such a tough emotional journey that takes over your life even when you try your hardest not to let it. It certainly does mine.

I don’t understand either why your friends would be bothered that you didn’t go to their baby showers .. I wouldn’t go if it were me in that situation either. I remember chatting to my mum in the summer because I was anxious my friend was going to have a baby shower and I didn’t want to go ... we got to talking about whether I’d have one in her situation and after what I’ve been through, I told her I actually wouldn’t have my own baby shower because I know it can be so painful for those who may be struggling behind closed doors. Your right, unless you go through this journey yourself then it’s hard to know how difficult it really is.

My sister actually ordered me a star in the sky and a card to say I’m a mummy to a star and always will be ... needless to say that got me too. She’s trying so hard to keep us close and I know she feels guilty which is why she’s buying these gifts but then it makes me feel guilty that she’s feeling guilty!

Anyway, thank you again for your kind words abs I hope everything for you turned out okay? If you’re still on your own journey, then I hope 2021 is much brighter ✨💫 xxxxx

[Minnie92 in reply to XOXO13]

That’s really kind of your sister what a thoughtful gift. But don’t feel guilty for how other people feel! Thank you, our miracle arrived last Christmas. I wish you all the luck for your journey in 2021 and keeping my fingers crossed that your next cycle is the one ⭐️ Xxx

[XOXO13 in reply to Minnie92]

Congratulations on your miracle, that’s such wonderful news and it’s stories like this that keep me going ✨

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words xx