Anyone told close friends and family that they have started ivf and they haven’t even bothered to ask how things are going?
Not sure if this trigger shot has made me extra hormonal today but I’m really angry/upset with some of the people I have told. I told my sister that I was starting ivf in January and she didn’t contact me at all ( we were delayed a few months) until 5 weeks ago to tell me she 15 weeks pregnant with her 3rd! Didn’t bother to ask about me. Then I messaged her the other day asking how she’s doing and casually dropped in I have started ivf and updated her with where I am. Thought she might message yesterday to see how it went but she didn’t bother. So today I’ve messaged her to ask how her 20 week scan went today and again nothing about asking me how I got on. Also some close friends I’ve told at the start and I haven’t even heard from😡! Anyone experience this? I’m feeling annoyed in Myself that I have trusted them with this information and they clearly done care I would never do this to them Xx
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Sunshineraye
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I told my nearest friends and I too havnt heard from any of them throughout my treatment I got a BFN 2 weeks ago and message one of my friends to let her know and she replied oh gutted for you and went on to talk about how she is going on holiday blah blah blah. I'm basically suffering in silence and feel so alone I'm feeling that angry with my so called friends that I'm at the point where I'm washing my hands with all of them.
I know that if anyone I knew was going through what I have id be calling or messaging them weekly and showing them love and support xx
So sorry to hear your sad news Its heartbreaking ❤️ And It’s so hard and you reach out to these people to help you get through a tough time and they act like they don’t care. I’ve just told my sister that I won’t be sharing any more info about it as i get upset when people don’t bother to ask how’s it’s going..her response was “ that’s understandable, look after yourself”
No apology or anything 😕
It was so tough for me to hear she pregnant for the 3rd time but I’ve still tried to supportive and that just doesn’t get recognised xx
So hard but also an eye opener of who really gives a shit about me and I'm just there when I'm convenient to them.
I hope you have or find someone who you can share your stresses and worries to and hopefully your sister comes round too as you don't know how she's feeling about you you never know she could be really hurting for you but cannot feel like she can open up with her been pregnant xx
Possibly not, she currently just started going to the fertility clinic after I suggested she get checked out for pcos, as she has very similar symptoms to myself. Last year when I was pregnant she also went quiet and I had to force her into opening up even though she had only been with her partner 12 months at that point. I've supported her through all her investigations and appointments, knew all her dates etc and she couldn't be bothered to ask how my egg collection went in Jan and about the prep for transfer etc x
Actually I had those thoughts too but the reality is that everyone is busy and in their own heads dealing with their words and problems. All my friends are amazing and supportive when I share the updates but I am not expecting messages or too many questions. But I do know if I really really need them they will be here for me. I prefer it this way almost - it puts me in control and I am not getting annoyed with texts like 'hey how is it going..'
The truth is apart from this forum, clinic and my husband I don't expect anyone to understand and have a remote clue of how to help me with anything. I don't even know how to help myself! Hope this makes sense xxx
I think you've hit the nail on the head. All of my close friends (bar 2) all have babies and have never had a fertility struggle which is incredibly lucky for them. They have no idea how it works, even basics, its just so out of their experience. So I wholeheartedly agree with relying on your partner, clinic and this forum!
Hey yes your way of thinking makes sense.. thanks for sharing.
I don’t feel as angry towards the ones told and haven’t heard from but it ones like my sister that message to pass on her good news without asking how I am doing.
But as you say no one can possibly understand how we are coping with this process unless you have been through it. Why is forum is amazing 😃
I do one friend who has been amazing and has been with me every step of the way and has actually made an effort to understand the process which I admire so much. Xx
Yep! My mums reaction to our treatment has been quite hurtful and I’m having to try hard not to let it effect our relationship too much.
She’s never asked much about what’s happening, and when I got upset after our failed clomid cycles she said she didn’t know why we were bothering if it’s that difficult!
I got a text after our FET failed saying ‘ah well, I’ve read it’s statistically unlikely to work first time’. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s very difficult to understand the emotions if you’ve no experience of the whole process, but sometimes that’s hard!
Hey, it’s so hard isn’t it because you would think parents would support us the most. I know if ever I get to have a child, I certainly will make sure I support them in every way so they don’t have to feel this ❤️ Thank you xx
I know exactly how you feel. Other5han my mum nobody in my family bothers asking me about my ivf. She I complained about it they told me how busy they are. Vowed never to tell them anything ever again. I'm in this fight alone .
Hey, makes you feel that way doesn’t it. I just don’t understand why people can’t send a quick message. I get that people say that they may not understand but I’ve supported friends and family when I have no clue on what they are going through. A quick message to say “how did it go” means they don’t need much understanding of the process thank goodness for this forum eh xx
It’s normal to feel angry and hurt in those circumstances. We expect love and support from our family close friends. Unfortunately it’s not always forthcoming. I guess people just don’t understand the pain and agony ivf causes.
Initially 3 years ago I told my mum and sister and asked them to keep it private. Had no support from them and actually mum told others in the family and I felt very let down. Also mums comments about my husbands inherited optic nerve atrophy and my sisters statement that I’d get depression after a baby - have hurt terribly.
Now I don’t tell them anything about ivf. I only tell my closest friends however the closest friends I do have bizarrely came from opening up about the ivf and finding out that others had gone through similar infertility issues.
Glad you can use this forum for support - you’re not alone in this journey.
That’s not nice that they told your business against your wishes. I’m glad you have some support. These forums are fab but sometimes it’s nice to off load on someone who knows us in person isn’t it.
Hey you ain’t alone hunny my sisters don’t ask me unless I talk about it my mum who I ABSOLUTLEY adore also knows and not once have I had a text or a call to ask oh hey rachel hows things going !!! I live in Wales my mum and sister live in Ireland and my other sister is in new Zealand they can all ring or text for a favour but never really to see how it’s all going 😢😢 some people probably fear asking how’s it going caus Rita such an emotional roller coaster .Your not alone love we are all here on this forum pushing each other along there journey spreading baby dust upon us all and hoping we all succeed stay strong and try not to over think things our hormones do funny things to us and sometimes we end up saying things we didn’t teally mean through pure frustration.Now pick your head up stay strong and all the very best of luck In the world to you on this roller coaster ride PS! NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY 🥰🥰
Yes I was very hormonal the yesterday and almost said something I shouldn’t have in rage. I’m better today though and although I still don’t understand their lack of contact, I’ve told myself they are not important enough now to be part of this journey 💕 x
Aw Sunshine. So sorry to hear that you've not got the support you expected. I think you've put yourself in a vulnerable place and I'm sorry your family are not responding how they should. It's really sad your sister doesn't seem at all bothered. IT would break my heart.
I can only assume it's down to two possibilities. I think a lot of people don't really understand the ivf process and perhaps don't know what to say? That or maybe she's a little jealous that the attention might be off her and her kids should you get lucky and become a mum too.
Sorry I shouldn't be so negative but I sort of felt like my SIL kinda got a bit quiet after we had a baby. We didn't tell everyone about ivf so she didn't know, but when we became parents I didn't get any texts to ask how me and my baby were, unlike all the dozens of calls, texts and visits I made when she had her first baby a few years earlier. Jealousy is an ugly thing!
Just focus on yourself and maybe one day have it out with your sister. But right now you are the most important thing and you don't need any stress. This online community are extremely supportive, as well as knowledgeable on the subject of ivf. You can certainly get support here.
Thank you so much. It’s sad that family’s can’t support each other. I understand them not understanding but a quick message to say “hi, how did your appointment go” doesn’t take much i don’t think. Yes I’ve got such lovely support here it’s so much appreciated xx
Hiya.. I've told quite a few friends and family.. Im just crap at lieing lol.. And it definitely does show which friends actually care about you!
Some ask nearly daily, some ask once a month and some haven't asked at all.
I have one friend in particular who literally has never asked me since I told her I was started meds. And she's actually going through some fertility issues herself. I always ask her for updates and check in on progress and still has never mentioned it..at this point me and my other friend kinda have a running bet on how long it will take for her to ask.
But I no longer class her as a friend in my head, I know it's not as easy as that when it's your sister but I think it really does show the people who you can depend on.. And I'm sorry you're sister hasn't been better xo
Hey, thank you for your reply. I have the exactly the same situation with a friend too. I helped her massively with her weight loss journey, she lost 5st and I was encouraging her every step of the way. She was single too so spent a lot of my time at the gym with her then spending time with my own husband. Anyway she fell pregnant from a one night stand and I was the only one there for her, it was so hard for me but she’s a friend and I had to put my feelings to one side. He didn’t want to see her anymore as she was “too big” but now he’s come crawling back to her after she lost 2 more stone and she’s basically ditched me. I met up with her as I was starting the meds and told her and I’ve not heard from her once 💔 so now I’m not wasting my time trying to contact her xx
You're exactly right.. As sad as it is it does show you who really are your true friends.. And you need to use your energy on this journey not on negative people xo
We’ve had the same. My sister fell pregnant and was very sensitive about telling me. But when I was going through treatment she didn’t ask how it was going. It really hurt me the first time but I realised that she has a lot going on herself and haven’t talked to her about the subsequent attempts.
I have one amazing friend who asks about everything even when she’s had a lot going on herself. Even she irritated me when it came to testing coz she very patronisingly told me the best way to test when I’ve been testing almost every month for 5 years, I can laugh about that now 😂.
The truth is, no one will understand what you’re going through unless they have been through fertility treatment. No one has the faintest idea what the ups and downs are, the stresses, the strains on your relationship, the medication side effects and the constant fear it will never work.
I did this last frozen transfer on my own because my husband was working away and we didn’t want to wait longer than necessary. I could’ve taken my mum (but she’s the opposite extreme and would fuss too much and stress me out), or my sister or friend, but I realised I would be ok on my own, it felt really liberating and actually a lot calmer.
I do have a therapist that I talk to regularly not just about ivf but my general mental health to help manage my anxiety and I also did hypnotherapy this time to help me focus on the now not the past or future. It’s really helped so far (7 days in).
Thank you for sharing your experience, it sounds like you have found the best way to get you through this journey and that’s amazing, I really admire that. Fingers crossed for you this cycle 🤞🏻
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so unsupported. I did tell a few close friends who didn’t ask me much during the process, but I know they were trying to reduce the pressure on me and I would let them know stuff when I wanted to. Perhaps this is also happening to you? The other thing I think is it’s hard to talk about IVF for most people- they don’t really understand it and really are frightened of upsetting people. I would definitely talk to your sister and let her know how you’re feeling though. Hope things get better x
Thank you yes I think I will talk to her once I get through the next week. She’s always been a selfish person. I would expect someone who has no interest in having children to not really care but for someone who does and is expecting not to really show they care is beyond me🤷♀️ x
I had a bit of an issue with my family recently where they tried to change the subject when I wanted to talk about it. I got really angry with them and told them so. It turned out they all thought that talking about it would upset me so they were trying to help by distracting me. We all know that is the wrong approach but they aren't in our shoes and can't understand how we feel. I ended up sending them a long message explaining what they can do to help me and basically gave them a bit of a 'cheat sheet'. They were all really open to it and said it was really helpful. Maybe talk to your family and explain to them what you need, and what things might upset you so they can try to be a bit more sensitive? I know they should know this stuff and it's frustrating having to educate them whilst going through IVF but they just don't know what to say or do in this situation. Good luck xx
Hey, thank you for sharing your experience. Pleased you managed to sort something and I hope they give the support. Next time I talk to my sister I will let her know how I feel. It’s hard as you say as you don’t think you should need educate people on just asking “how an appointment went” i have no experience in some family members conditions but I would ask how they are and how their appointment went if they told me they had one 🤷♀️ Thank you xx
I think you have to remember that 90% of people don’t actually understand what IVF entails. I started to make videos on Facebook and Instagram so everyone knew exactly what went on... I opened up the conversation... told them they could ask anything they wanted. Turns out people are completely clueless... maybe they don’t want to seem stupid. They ask all the questions now.
What I always say to myself is
‘is my journey more important than anyone else’s?’ .... that seems to get me through. People have lives, ups, downs and until we are in their shoes we simply don’t know.
I would never wash my hands of any friend for not asking... don’t be rash. You will need them one day x
I’ve read in so many places that this is a vast empty and lonely journey. I’ve been in infertility treatment since Oct 2017. It truly is, like and ocean of ppl you float through. But in this ocean, no one cares about your struggle or journey. No one can relate to your heartache. But yet everyday when you wake, you place a mask on that everything is okay and sail through day to day life as if you’re not breaking on the inside.
I’ve either get people asking too much or wait for me to bring it up. When open up people don’t know what say.
Then I didn’t hear off my nan who has been there every step of the way. She’s said before that she always feels like she’s putting her foot in it with me.
It hurts when the people you want to ask don’t and when the people you don’t expect to do. It’s almost like you see everyone in a different light.
I think with your sister she is in such a happy bubble she doesn’t want to maybe bring herself down I don’t know and if she’s had 3 then she really won’t have any understanding hun.
We are all selfish in our own way. As people don’t want know about us I don’t want to know about their pregnancies at times.
Really not nice to hear that people are not being sensitive and in my opinion just "nice and caring" people, we are all busy people but taking the time out to help, support and be there for people actually gives me pleasure so will never get this. Hope you all get the support you deserve even if from on here. lots of love .xxxx
I agree, I’m not expecting a message everyday but I think when you have told your sister that you have an appointment the next day for them not to just ask how it went but actually message to tell you theirs went fine, is sad. I had my egg collection yesterday and she has just messaged to tell me she’s having a boy but didn’t ask how I got on. Thank you for support xxx
My pleasure, as you said in a reply earlier if you can talk to your sister, the last thing you need is any added stress and you normally find these things come out in other ways you never know she may not know what to say but give her the opportunity that way you can manage what to expect, I really hope this turn around for you. xxxxx
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I would never do this to them Xx
yes your way of thinking makes sense.. thanks for sharing.
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