My husband is giving up on us because of our past...a past we can not change or truly recover from

[orangeandfuzzy]

Hey,

I don't post very often because I only seem to when things have hit rock bottom, like now.

My husband has been suggesting that he has given up on our marriage and future happiness because of the pain we have suffered in our past.

The pain he refers to is our tragically, horrific missed miscarriage we suffered three and a half years ago. He tells me that the wounds are too deep for him to recover and he has no idea of what a future without children looks like.

I am trying to be supportive, but I feel utterly betrayed. I have worked so hard to try and build myself up to try IVF again, to give him the family we both want and he just wants to give up. I am trying to understand but how can I?

I was terrified that our marriage would come to this, collapsing because of Wiggle's death, but what can I do?

Please help, I feel so desperately lonely

[Lowamh]

This sounds so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe it’s just a blip and he’ll feel differently in a few days?

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to Lowamh]

Lowamh,

Many thanks for your message.

I wish it were a blip.

Since writing the message, my husband and I have decided to separate. I'm heartbroken, again. But we have realised that we are not happy together anymore. I'm lost and alone.

I want to be strong and confident and independent, but I've never really been any of those things. I want to find happiness by myself and maybe one day, my husband and I can be happy together again, but I think I'm deluding myself.

[FluffyPink]

Ah, you poor pet. IVF takes a horrific toll on relationships, especially if you’ve had a journey as long as yours. It sounds like your husband has never recovered from the trauma of your awful loss and this Covid lockdown is most likely making everything worse.

Would you think about attending a fertility counsellor together/ separately? Might be better than a marriage counsellor as it sounds like the loss of your baby is what has really affected things. Is it possible that, rather than betraying you, your husband is frightened that he just couldn’t bear to go through that bereavement again? Thanks to Covid it is hard to imagine the future with or without children just now - everything is up in the air. The things we fell back on to cope before have been taken away from us.

I’m so, so sorry this is happening to you.

Sending you love and lots of hugs 😘😘😘

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to FluffyPink]

Fluffy Pink,

Thank you for replying.

Since my previous message, my husband and I have heartbreakingly decided to separate. I have no idea how I am going to survive this.

I had counselling after the loss but my husband never did. This always concerned/annoyed me, but I always thought he was strong and sensible and would go if and when he was ready. Maybe he didn't want to go to counselling because he was scared of this eventuality.

I don't want to think about a life without my husband, but I have to, for both our sakes.

[FluffyPink in reply to orangeandfuzzy]

Hi orangeandfuzzy,

I’m so desperately sorry to hear that. My husband was the same when we initially struggled with fertility - it wasn’t on his radar that men would go for counselling it just wasn’t how things were done in his family or by anyone he knew.

You must be in complete shock just now. There is nothing I can say but just to really mind yourself and as another poster said, reach out to some people you trust for support. I had a read of this below, just in case it’s useful.

planner.relate.org.uk/getti...

You will get through this, it must be just so hard to see the wood for the trees right now. We’re all here any time. When my counsellor is unavailable the gals on here really are my sisters!

xxxx

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to FluffyPink]

Hi FluffyPink,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have opened the link on another tab and I'll read it now.

I know it will be a long road to my recovery, but I care so much about his happiness. I stupidly hope that one day, maybe, our paths will cross again, and we can hold each other, love each other and be together again.

Until then, we want to stay friends, I think it's the best we can try and be for each other, for a while at least.

[JenniferKimberley]

I’m so sorry, sounds like you have both suffered terribly because of your loss. Does your clinic offer counselling? I think it would really help you both to work through the grief together. I guess for him it seems easier to run away from the grief, but that won’t actually help either of you.

Wishing you both all the best, sending hugs x

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to JenniferKimberley]

JenniferKimberley,

Thank you for getting back to me.

Since my last message, my husband and I have decided to separate. I am heartbroken, again, and now I have to start figuring out what I do next.

He says the wounds are too deep for him to recover. We have painfully realised that we haven't been happy for a while (how ever long that is) and the only way either us have a chance of being happy, it can't be together.

My husband was my happiness.

[JenniferKimberley]

I’m so sorry to hear this, I can’t image the heartbreak you are feeling right now. Please look after yourself, take support from friends and family. Lots of love xxx

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to JenniferKimberley]

I'll try, I mean, I have to try, what else can I do? Thank you

[Pittapatta]

Oh orangeandfuzzy so sorry for you. I hope both you and your husband can have time to heal. I know things are really bad right now but it won't be like this forever and neither of you will feel like this forever, either. I hope you find comfort with close family and friends. Sending hugs to you.

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to Pittapatta]

Hi Pittapitta,

Thank you for your kind words.

I know that the only way to recover is separately. I also know I would rather have him as a friend than not at all.

[Hidden]

This breaks my heart. When you said “my husband was my happiness 😢

Im so sorry and i suppose no words can change how you feel. It is absolutely horrendous to go through after the long journey and your loss.

I hope you have a support network outside your marriage. Family and perhaps friends? Can you lean on them for a while until you get back on your feet? This is my most feared nightmare and i hope you have family to lean on xx

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to Hidden]

Hi Mimisami,

Thank you for your kind words. Things are harder at the moment because we are still living together until I can find somewhere else to live.

We want to stay friends and I think we can make that work.

[Daffodils1]

Sending hugs at this really difficult time, no words can take away the pain at this point, but you will get through. Take time to figure out your next steps, you don’t need to figure it out today and allow yourself to grieve if you need to. xx

[orangeandfuzzy in reply to Daffodils1]

Hi Daffodils1,

Thank you for your kind words. I am talking to people and trying to get myself in a new and better place.

Thanks again

[Cswanlake36]

Hi. I know your post was 5 months again but I’m just wondering how you’re doing?