Husband isn't sure he can go through this again

[Sarahmanc]

So after yesterday's BFN, my husband said he isn't sure he can do this again. I do understand him feeling this way but I know that when the dust has settled, I will want to try again. It isn't a financial objection, it's because he says that all we have focused on throughout our marriage is having a baby and he's starting to question if I care about that more than keeping us together. I have tried to explain that the two are linked - a child for me is an important part of how I imagined our future together. We are both exhausted and highly strung after yesterday's news so I'm just going to leave it for a bit but I wonder if any of you have experienced this? Xx

[NDE1987]

Hey Hun, I'm sorry your going through this. I do think sometimes our hhusbands/partners do get left out a bit. With me my husband does want to try again but we have sat down and thought of life without children to as this may actually happen. We don't know what the future holds but you need to make sure that you marriage can be ok without children to. My husband and I married in 2014 and we knew that we always wanted children as soon as got married, we started trying and still don't have one! so I do feel like throughout our marriage it's been hospital appointments etc. But you need to defiantly take time out and spend quality time together to see why you both feel in love with each other and remember the good life before this fertility stuff takes over. My husband and I have decided to try naturally and take time out for now and just enjoy the little things in life. We have also said no ivf talk for a while!!! Even though I'm rubbish at this and did mention ivf stuff yestetday lol. In my heart I do know that if we are not blessed with a child then we will be ok because we will focus our time on doing things together as a couple. Hope your ok and don't get too down about this you can always talk to your husband again once the dust has settled. I am sure your husband will want you to be happy and will think about another treatment. Xxxxx

[vic77 in reply to NDE1987]

Very good advice NDE1987 i feel the very same that since our wedding in 2014 this has been our focus which makes me sad and angry as newlyweds we shouldn't have had to go through all this but I guess what doesn't break you and all that. We too have taken a wee break between cycles not too long though given our ages and yes trying to focus on us as a couple. Give it some time all very raw still xx

[Sarahmanc in reply to vic77]

Yep I'm exactly the same as you and NDE1987 - we got married in 2014 and our entire married life has been dominated by this when it should have been about enjoying the early stages of our marriage. We moved a lot too because he's in the military - 3 houses in the first year of marriage! So lots of stresses! I think we're also feeling a lot of pressure because the max break we can take between rounds is 6 months without reapplying for funding. We're just going to book a good holiday in the next few months and really try and not focus on IVF for a bit. Thanks for your advice xxx

[vic77 in reply to Sarahmanc]

Sounds like a great idea xx

[Hidden]

He probably just needs some time to take everything in himself. I know I sometimes forget how hard it is for them as well as us xxx

[Cinderella5]

I think you should give yourselves some down time after this! Its such a stressful and emotional time for you both and yes I think the husbands dont let on how much it upsets them as much as us ladies. It sounds like he just needs some reassurance that you are still good as a couple! Perhaps take a bit of time out and plan something nice to do together and have fun as a couple with no IVF chat!xx

[Georgina78]

Aw Hun I'm so sorry you're having to contend with this after such bad news yesterday. I think it can often be the difference between the sexes, men (not all but in general I think) can find it easier to compartmentalise everything and of course because they're not the ones going through everything literally like we do, it's easier for them to switch off from it.

I would say give him time, it's all so raw right now and he's no doubt distressed by seeing the effect this has all had on you but not being able to do anything about that. I think we're all maybe a bit guilty of forgetting how hard it is for the man 😕

Try and enjoy Christmas, have fun together and do the things you'd do before all this started and broach it in the new year when you're both feeling stronger. Hopefully it's just a knee-jerk reaction to the stress of it all. My husband wants to carry on but is always saying as long as he has me he'll be ok, that makes me feel terrible, as if I won't be ok with just him but I want us to be a family because I know that'll only enhance what we have. He may be just scared that he'll lose you because of what you don't have so just try to enjoy each other and be kind to yourselves before you look at starting again.

Big hugs xx

[Sarahmanc in reply to Georgina78]

I think because we can't leave a gap of more than 6 months between rounds because we lose the funding, he feels like we're on a treadmill and it is kicking all the fun out of our marriage. We're really lucky to have 3 funded rounds because my husband is military - we just couldn't afford to pay for it so I don't want to let it go even though I know it is taking a toll on us xx

[katya38 in reply to Sarahmanc]

I think you ll know when you've had enough. ANd usually after bfn you're not thinking straight. He ll probably come round if that's what you really want xx

[72cloud9]

Firstly so sorry to hear of your BFN.

My partner has said the same while we are going thru our last attempt with our own eggs.i always looked at donor as the next step if this doesn't work but he said he's not sure if he can go thru it all again.hes not a 'talker' so was quite a big thing for him to say that but I'm just leaving it for now, hope this round works but if not will have to let the dust settle a bit and then reapproach it with him.

I think u r right to just to let things settle a bit b4 reapproaching it.if it's not a financial objection, could u manage to book a holiday together after Xmas, have some quality time so he knows it's not all just about having a baby? It's so hard isn't it when it's all u crave for it not to be your sole focus & I don't think most men see the same way.

Good luck my dear xxx

[veronica1]

what? he does not want to give his sperm it is like 2 minutes or something, it is that hard for him?

i am sorry but I am furious, I just think that he's more afraid of not receiving your love when you have a baby, like you will love your child more than him, which is understandable and I can get it but it is so wrong. i totally agree with you that the child is a very important link in your family and what is even the purpose of getting married if not to create the perfect conditions for your future baby to be raised.

tell him that you'll love him no matter what and I am sure he will calm down and agree to do another attempt

[Amanda86]

Hey Sarah,

Sorry to hear you got a bfn. I just wanted to reassure you that I think how your husband is feeling just now is quite common and is normal.

I had a miscarriage last year at 7 weeks after a natural pregnancy and this October I had a chemical pregnant after our first icsi treatment. My partner took it worse than me,he was like a broken man.

He felt due to the ivf being needed because of low sperm it was his fault and he said watching me to through ivf which he then felt was for nothing broke him. He said he didn't want to go through it again and just wanted to accept maybe we'd never have children.

I allowed him a few weeks to grieve and we didn't speak about ivf and when I felt his mood was better we managed to have a chat and discuss what to do next and what was best for us. Luckily our clinic we were given a minimum of 3 month wait before we'd go through a FET and we both felt this would benefit us and give us time to be ready again.

Time definitely does heal and it's a tough journey for both partners no matter how little one has to do throughout treatment.

Hope this helps and good luck xxx

[Sarahmanc in reply to Amanda86]

Ah thank you for your response. I think that's exactly the issue here - he hates us going through all the emotional highs and lows for it then to be for nothing. And he hates seeing the mental and physical effects it has on me. I think I was also so disciplined with myself this round because I'd read that no exercise no sex etc might improve the chances but in the meantime I was miserable so when we do it again I'm going to do more of what I like and at least I'll be mentally happier! Xx

[Amanda86 in reply to Sarahmanc]

Same for me. I'll be doing things completely differently. Will still cut out caffeine about a month before (I like fizzy juice) and also alcohol but this time I'll work through treatment and just go on light duties, I won't stress too much about doing things I maybe shouldn't and just relax and what will be will be.

It's a hard enough journey without depriving ourselves of everything else too.

I was considering acupuncture this time however have been looking and can't find anyone who I really like the sound of xxx

[Sarahmanc in reply to Amanda86]

I've had acupuncture all the way through this process - obviously it hasn't led to a pregnancy but it has made me feel a lot calmer and has made subtle differences like making my cycle longer. Our clinic doesn't actively recommend you do doing it - they say it's unproven- but it can't harm your chances xx