I would really appreciate some advice and opinions. We have been trying for a baby for 5.5 years. I had a miscarriage in 2018 and have been going through assisted reproductive since- 4 cycles and numerous therapies.
I am currently at what seems the end of a cycle but am still hoping to see follicular growth on Friday. However, if this doesn’t occur our only option is donor egg. I have come to terms with this option as I desperately want to be a Mother. My partner on the other hand has decided that it is not a route for him. He cannot say why as he is fine with IVF so I don’t understand. I am devastated. However, I cannot give up on my dream- since as far back as I can remember, being a Mom has been my ultimate wish and dream. I have two options so, give up on my dream or give up on my relationship. Has anyone faced this dilemma and can anyone offer advice please? I have just turned 49- so time is no longer on my side.
I honestly don’t know what to do …
🙏❤️
Written by
KMD7
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If your partner isn’t completely onboard it will be difficult/impossible to continue. My husband was very much in the camp of “it would be like having a baby with someone else” - he was comfortable with IVF as the baby would be genetically ours. Using donors though is completely different x
I feel very sad for you reading this and understanding the difficulties you've been facing for a number of years.
My situation is different but the best advice I can give is to talk to an impartial person - a counsellor- so you can both discuss and share your thoughts and feelings.
This dilemma is not easy, far from, sometimes talking to someone removed from the situation can be helpful xx sorry I can't be of more help xx
So sorry you are finding yourself in this position. I think Skittles idea of a counsellor or someone independent to mediate is potentially a good idea. Also I know you probably won't feel like you have it but maybe he just needs time to get his head around the idea? With my OH he was always firmly against DE until he realised that actually it was our only option to have a family, and it took a while but he ended up being more positive about it than me. I also introduced him to the concept of epigenetics which is all about how much the mother carrying the baby influences that baby, and suddenly he realised it wasn't like a cuckoo in someone else's nest but there is a lot more to it than that.
I would also advise some time just to live life not TTC for a bit. You have been through so much and its easy to end up almost tunnel vision and not able to see a life without children. I had some enforced time off recently and its given me some time to realise there are some pro's to not having a family, which is not a mindset I have ever had previously.
I think some time thinking about it all away from drugs and TTC could maybe benefit you both. Huge hugs its so hard xx
My husband was always OK with DE but not donor sperm as he felt that I would still be the Mum as I'd carry the baby but he maybe wouldn't feel like a Dad. I struggled a little to accept DE in the beginning but once I realised it was just a seed that would be nothing if it wasn't for me then I was able to move forward. My hubby saw it this way too, perhaps if you put it that way.....that you're still making a baby with your husbands sperm and your body will nurture and grow it. This article really helped me....perhaps it could be something you show your OH?
"Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg/sperm donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them.
So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures.
So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child."
Failing that I suppose you have a reslly difficult decision to make. My heart goes out to you!xxx
That’s so heartbreaking. 💔❤️🩹😢 Maybe a little time will help him come around…it’s a lot to get your head around.
I used donor embryos, which some places call ‘embryo adoption’, which I think is lovely. 🥰 I think of it as adoption, with the added benefit of being able to carry the baby (which is a benefit to me, but I know it wouldn’t be to others).
We’re so blessed that there are sooo many options open to us for having children.
The Donor Conception network could be good to contact. I know they could arrange for you and your partner to speak to people who’ve been in the same boat as you. That may help.
Hey me and my husband for many years were closed to the idea of donor eggs/ sperm. However, as we are in the 9th year of our journey we have realised is that we want a family more than anything else. We realised we have the potential to love without needing to be genetically linked. All humans share 99% DNA anyway. Only 1% is different. Finally, environment has a huge impact on the way our DNA is switched on and off... so have a read about epigenetics - the child you both grow will be yours because of the way you nurture, raise and love it. We went to Donor Conception Network and met with families and their children and it reaffirmed to us this is the right path. Also, perhaps tentatively think about having a counselling session (it's called implications counselling)... they are great way to talk about any fears that are unjustified.
I'm in the 2ww now... so hoping it works out for us.
I hope you manage to persuade your partner. Good luck. xx
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