Need some advice please!

Hi everyone.  I really need some help please. I have recently found out that my sister in law is 5 weeks pregnant.  I know this shouldnt be an issue but im afraid to say it is. My husband and i have been ttc for 5 years now. We have been going through the ivf process for nearly a year which isnt long compared to some which i appreciate, but we have had 3 failed attempts so far and are embarking on a fet in 3 weeks. I really want her to appreciate how diffucult the next 9 months are going to be for me but she only thinks about what she wants and doesnt think how it will affect others. She has already started moaning how her hormones are affecting her. I just feel like screaming at her. If things dont work out for us as we are down to our last  3 frozen embryos i dont know how i will cope being around her while she is pregnant and after the baby is born.  The longer we go through this and more fails we have the harder it is to hear someone else you know is pregnant. I dont want to sound like a cow but im finding this very difficult at ghe moment. Sorry for moaning but if anyone has any advice i would appreciate it. It just seems whatever i want she gets before me. I dont want it to come between me and my husband either as its his sister do i need some help. Thank you xx

20 Replies

  • Hello, dear. This state seems so similar for all of us. I'm sure every second woman here has at least once written the post (me too!!) how hard it is to cope with being close to pregnant friends or family members. I suppose this is some kind of being envy with them. For me that was the case when I knew both of my good friends got pregnant in a cough. While we were struggling for years (and by that time we still had no result). I know how emotionally draining it could be. People say, try to relax, do  not pay attention, come in touch when you're ready emotionally, - but when it really happens?? When a woman struggling IS emotionally ready??

    Frankly saying, I couldn't find the way out of how I was to take the things until the fertility journey ended successfully for us. Only then I gained that possibility of being truly happy for pregnant people around me. I might sound pretty egoistic here and I'm not sure you'll get me right but this is how it was for me. Time helped, not  a single advice..sorry.

    So I'll be praying for you to achieve success with your next attempt for you to share the news just like your sister in law does VERY SOON. God bless you, honey xx

  • Thank you angeleee. I really hope we are successful this time round. I have tried pretty much everything now to make it happen. I appreciate what you have written. It sort of feels like there is more pressure on us now as well because she is pregnant, so i want it to work even more so i can spend time with her without wanting to shout at her each time. There is so much frustration im just worried it will have to come out at some point, and it will prob be the day she says to me "im so sick of being pregnant now" then i will flip!! I appreciate you praying for us to. Take care xx

  • Hi Sam101! I have to say I am on the same boat. We have been TTC for over 4 years. My sister who is 19 and is no longer with her boyfriend seem to just get pregnant at the drop of a hat. We have only told our parents of our struggles and my sister in law. Thankfully my in laws have been very supportive. But my sister doesnt seem to grasp the fact she is pregnant is is still out running about with friends and did not take any folic acid. I know your life shouldnt stop but i dont see the need to be out late at night for no reason. I struggled when i first found out she was pregnant, and as selfish as it sounds i thought why her and not me. But i tried to stay focused on us and what really matters. Unfortunately recently we had our first round of ICSI which failed. So we have to wait on the consultant now. What i found that help was to remove myself from an situation were she complained about all the stuff i would love to feel. I guess the the only thing that has kept me strong is the end goal and so relaxation just to take my mind of it all and reading books. Wishing you all the best X

  • Thank you Elaine90. That makes alot of sense. Im finding it very hard at the moment and feel i could lash out at her sooner rather than later. I wish i had your focus to switch off from it but she makes it very hard. I will try my hardest though as i need to stay stress free and determined for our fet. I hope you have your bfp with your next go and can enjoy the news.  I will keep everything crossed for us both. Take care xx

  • Yea i made it sound easy but there were times were i struggled bad and wanted shout at her that she should be grateful for what she has. The journey is definitely a hard and testing one! Thanks for your well wishes! I appreciate it! X

  • I think thats the hardest part, they don't appreciate how lucky they are or think about what they are saying. Im focusing on us now so this time we are successful xx

  • Hi,

    I Know it's difficult my sister and my sister in law have been pregnant whilst we have been going through our treatment and they were thoughtful which helped. You just need to remember that your time will come and you have your fet in 3 weeks so think about you and what's happening to you. Your bound to feel like that but as long as you stay strong with your husband and talk about everything and keep HOPE then hopefully that should help. Good luck xx 

  • Thank you kelly-03. I am trying to keep focused on us so we have the best opportunity this time. Just worrying now if there is anything else i need to do before our implantation. Im keeping everything crossed and praying that this is out time next. Good luck with your treatment xx

  • Hello everyone am actually new in this group hope am well come.My dear all I can say be positive it's not easy u will always think that  God may has forgotten you but he hasn't,wish you luck.

  • Thank you abna. Im keeping everything crossed and trying to stay as positive and focused as possible xx

  • Hello

    I just wanted to add that I have also been in this position. My Bil and his wife made such a big song and dance of announcing their pregnancy to the family and couldn't understand why their pregnancy was in any way upsetting for me! Thankfully for me, they don't live nearby so I don't see much of them! 

    It's really difficult and I wish I had a solution, but unfortunately I never managed to work one out! All I would say is that it's important you put yourself first for your upcoming fet. Book yourself a nice massage, some acupuncture or do the activities which help you focus and take your mind off things. 

    If your husband needs some help in understanding how you feel and/or supporting you there's a great book by Mark Sedaka called What You Can Expect When She's Not Expecting. It's short, easy to read, humorous at times and written by a man about the infertility journey he had with his wife. It really helped my hubby to understand why I would get upset at certain situations and how he could support me. 

    Take care and good luck with your FET. 


  • Thank you hopeful1982. I appreciate the advice. I have been having acupuncture the last 2 weeks so will continue with this and try and start planning things i can do after my fet. Thanks again xx

  • Ive found it hard as had all 5 friends get pregnant over the last 6 months and my best friend is ttc and complaining/worried that after a few months its not worked (i found this really insensitive as its nearly 4 years for us) but then i thought to look from her prospective, back then after a few months of trying i would have felt the same as her you spend you whole life taking pill not to get preggers then when you come off it you expect it to work straight away. I also think shes anxious as what im going through too. 

    With you sister in law too, im sure she doesnt know the full extent of what you are going through. I never knew til now the full physical and mental strain it is on you til going through it and I think everyone thinks you just go and 'do' ivf and have a baby.  She maybe needs to be told by your hubby to be a bit more sensitive around you. 

    My sister is 4 years younger than me and asked how to get feritily tests to check if they are ok as dont want them yet but dont want yo leave it too late and my first reaction was OMG YOU CANT HAVE A BABY BEFORE ME!!!!! But I think going through this makes everyone worry around you too. 

    Dont concentrate on this and concentrate on you and your next transfer WILL be positive and the little cousins can grow up together 😊

    Best wishes

  • Thank you rosy_l. Its a hard time when it happens to numerous people like that. I have had close friends and family get pregnant that have been too afraid to tell me as they appreciate what we are going through and dont want to upset me. Then you have her who cant wait and doesn't care if she upsets us. He did say if he needs to he will have a word i just hope its before i lose it at some point. Im trying to concentrate on us and giving our little embryo the best possible chance this time. Keeping everything crossed it works xx

  • Hi, it's a really tough situation and I found myself dealing with something similar with my brother just after I'd had a 3rd miscarriage and had been trying at that point for 3 years. He lives abroad and came home for Christmas in 2014, only to tell my mum that he first of all has a girlfriend and second of all, she was 4 months pregnant! No one in the family knew he had a girlfriend so it was a complete shock. And a shambles the way I was told. Rather than allowing him to tell me face to face, my mum took it upon herself to tell me over the phone. I'll never forget it, I was so upset.

    Then he asked me and my husband to be godparents and that was really hard to take. I was going to counselling at the time and discussed it all with my counsellor. I wouldn't have got through it otherwise. She made me realise that it's a privilege to be asked to be godparent and he was obviously trying to keep a link with the family and his home. He is my only sibling. I suppose he also thought that maybe we wouldn't be able to have children so it would be nice for us to be a part of his child's life.

    It was after all this that I found out I needed IVF. I had my first cycle towards the end of last year just before the christening. Luckily it has worked and I'm 24 weeks with twins. My little niece was adorable when I met her at Christmas, the babies are the innocent ones in all this and I think when you meet your niece / nephew the feelings you have now will lessen. 

    I would advise you to look into counselling as well, it really does help. You will get through this and I wish you well with your cycles.

  • Thank you tlove. Congratulations to you. Hope you are well and your twins are thriving. Any tips on what you did for it to work?? I need all the help i can get now. I was alsoasked to be godmother to my cousins little girl last year and had also just gone through implantation so was dubious of what to say, but i accepted and im so glad i did as she is gorgeous but sadly found out 2 days later we were unsuccessful. I feel like life is constantly testing me and im waiting now to find out when its going to stop.  We had a tough year last year between everything so im really hoping this year is the one that will make a difference. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and take care xx

  • Best of luck with it, Sam. I don't know that I did anything special but I did strongly believe it was our best chance and I had 2 blastocysts transferred to increase chances. I only had 2 at the end anyway! I had been going to the gym and eating healthily before treatment and we went on a 2 week holiday to Italy just before, so that completely relaxed me. Other than that, I drank lots of water and ate lots of protein. One thing I did not do was give up's controversial because caffeine is bad but I cut out coffee and cut back to 3 cups of tea max. if it feels right to cut out tea, then do this. I've been on Pregnacare for a few years and high dose folic acid for the previous year. I also went to a relaxation half day workshop at the start of treatment and I was going for counselling to help me get through it. This was a silly little thing but we also gave our little embryos nicknames, and continue to call them by these now. Not sure if any of this truly helped but it does keep you in a positive mindset and at least you start thinking you're doing all that you can to make them stick. I wish you well with everything and hope it works out! Hopefully your SIL will give it a rest as well. When she's in her 2nd trimester she should be less tired and sick anyway so hopefully will moan less. She also told you very soon - most people wait until the 12 week scan to make sure all is ok and tbh, at 5 weeks she shouldn't really be feeling any symptoms yet so it sounds like she's being a bit dramatic! Also because she told you so soon, it probably will feel like it's going to go on forever, she could have spared you 7 weeks by waiting until after the scan.

  • Thank you tlove. Im trying to eat as healthily as poss. Exercide im finding a problem as i work long shifts. Im on my feet all day so that will help. I don't drink tea or coffee but i do have 1 can of coke zero a day otherwise i drink water. There are some things you just need to reduce rather than cut out. I have been taking pregnacare to since we started ttc. Im hoping my husband can have 1 week off with me during my tww. Thats cute to give them nicknames i think. She did tell us too early and she is a proper drama queen, pity help us!! Thanks again. Take care xx

  • This feeling is very normal and everyone ttc goes through it. I sometimes feel like some people rub it in my face on purpose but I think it's because they do not know better or they are too excited about their happiness and don't want to walk on egg shells around me.

    I have been through it too many times I can't even count how many - from some of the ladies on my bridal train 4years ago having at least one child each now, to my best friend who got married after me having a child before me and all of a sudden developing an attitude (the list is endless). 

    What I do which has helped a bit is to remove myself from situations where I feel like I can't take the pressure, I avoid going to baby dedications/christenings (not that I don't like the babies but I wouldn't want to be the only one crying at the ceremony). 

    Remember to do whatever works for you/keeps you sane so as not to lash out and say what you will regret, it's tough on this journey and we can only hope for the best x

  • Thank you me08. I am going to try and avoid some situations if possible and my husband and i have discussed this. My only concern is she is the type of person to complain about being pregnant and when you try as hard as we all do to get there then thats the point i will want to lash out.  My family and friends have all been nervous telling me they are pregnant as they appreciate how hard this whole cycle is but she is the acception to the rule. Hopefully our next transfer will be a good one and then i can focus completely on our family and just ignore her when she moans. Take care xx

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