I wanted to get something off my chest because I’m sat here in tears and no one to turn to right now.
Me and my husband got a follow request from my pregnant little sister today on Instagram which I thought was weird, given she follows us already. And then a photo popped up from two days ago of what looked like a baby shower. So I asked her if she’d unfollowed us on my family WhatsApp group... she said no, she just didn’t realise she wasn’t following us. But then she privately messaged me saying she had hidden some photos from me because she didn’t want to upset me.
I then asked my mum if she had thrown my sister a baby shower and not told me. My mum took forever to reply, and I could see she was typing and stopping then typing so I told her it was a simple yes or no answer. She told me they have planned a baby shower for next week and hasn’t told me because they didn’t want to cause me upset - this is my entire family btw. My aunts and my cousins and my other siblings.
I’ve told my mum that by not telling me, all she has done is isolate me even further and made me feel so sh*t about myself.
I haven’t been able to respond to my sister yet because it’s just really hurt me. I understand why she wanted to hide the photo (of another baby shower she must have had with her boyfriends family) but by doing so, it’s made me feel so, so much more worse about myself. I feel so little and invisible, guilty and even more alone.
I’m 4dp5dt and trying my best not to get upset. My OFD is next Friday so I’m sure I wouldn’t be comfortable joining the baby shower anyway especially if it’s not good news... but I would have liked the choice. I’ve said this in a conversation to my mum before ... that whilst I probably wouldn’t want to attend anyone’s baby shower, I’d still like to be invited so that I’m not excluded. It should be by choice.
I don’t know how to manage this? It’s so, so hard to see my sister pregnant and about to welcome her baby, I can’t cope with it but I feel like the worst human being ever now that they’ve done this to me.
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, I just feel incredibly sad for this wall it’s put between me and my entire family 💔 xx
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O my goodness. You poor thing. I would be feeling exactly the same, further isolated and alone. I definitely think your family have tried to protect you but unfortunately they've done it the worst way possible.🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ It should have been your choice to go or not go. I never go to them but it's nice to be asked. People really need educating on how to handle this. We want to be involved but left to our own choices. I frigging hate baby showers!!! I don't understand why ppl just don't buy something when the baby is actually here?!?! Give it time to process your feelings and when u feel strong enough explain to them about feeling involved but the choice is up to u!! Big hugs hunny 💓 xxx
I have tried to explain that to my mum but she’s just told me my little sister is now in tears and have I ever asked about her pregnancy for 8 months... she’d love to talk to me about it etc. I don’t think they understand how much worse this has made me feel. It’s so exhausting. I can’t even bear to think what will happen if this transfer fails and my sister gives birth a week or two later 💔
O dear, that's really not helpful at all. Your sister has plenty of other people to discuss her pregnancy with. Don't put pressure on yourself for this transfer to work and don't compare your journey. It'll happen for you in time. I truly believe that. Xxx
Are you close to your sister? I have had 2 failed cycles of IVF and the one thing that has kept me going through them is my niece. She is the absolute light of my life. I organised and hosted my sisters baby shower. I understand how hard it is but surely you wouldn’t want your sister to go through that heartache. Maybe the more you become involved you will have a better bond with the baby when it arrives and instead of being hurt you will be filled with love you’ve never imagined. If i end up not being able to be a mother it gives me great comfort to know that I’ll be the best auntie I can be. Xx
We are very close... her pregnancy has just always been hard for me and I think that’s because it was unplanned and spontaneous whilst on the pill which is a stark contrast to my own. And whilst that’s not her fault at all, it’s just always been difficult for me to accept. In the early months of her pregnancy, we would talk more but I’ve gone through two failed transfers and on my third now in the same time period that she’s been pregnant, it’s a lot of heartache to take whilst watching her pregnancy blossom. She’s also surrounded by my entire family and sees them often even throughout lockdown (safely) as they all live close, whereas I’m hours away and I do feel alone in this.
Kudos to you for organising your sisters baby shower - I couldn’t do that, I don’t have the strength to see that through when I’m barely able to get through any of this each day as it is. I guess that’s because I haven’t come to terms with my situation yet. Xx
Awww lovely. Have you considered councilling? You have so many emotions going thru this and maybe talking to someone could help you? I’m so sorry you feel like this. ❤️ I wish I could help. I really hope that as soon as you see that wee baby that the love will overrule any other emotion and truly hope you find happiness. Xxx
I have yes, and actually spoke to my husband about that last night. I tried therapy post miscarriage as I became very closed off, but it didn’t help me much at the time. But I do think I need some help to process all of this - it seems to get harder with each transfer. And I will love my sisters baby, I’ve told her that and we communicate in gifts all of the time and little notes alongside the gift - it’s just actually talking aloud that’s hard for us!
Thank you for your kind message... I’ll be okay, just a difficult moment in time like it is for many across this forum ♥️ Xx
Big love to you. ❤️ Fingers crossed this is your time. It sounds like you’ve been through the mill and you are doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself. Xxx
Sweet Jesus. That is so insensitive. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this right now. Absolutely not what you need. It’s so hard with others being pregnant while we’re struggling but unfortunately I think that people who haven’t experienced this just have zero idea of how it feels. They don’t know how to act a lot of the time, and all the amazing forums and Instagram pages that tell people how to sensitively handle these situations tend to be followed by us who are going through it, not those who actually need to know. I absolutely loathe baby showers (even before we started ttc) but I also still like have the choice to say no.
I know it’s such a difficult, upsetting situation but I would maybe give myself a few days then broach it again. I wouldn’t want this to come between me and my sister no matter how hard it is. Although I would want to make myself fully understood xxx
This is so insensitive. I totally understand your feelings and they are normal feelings. Your family absolutely should not have excluded you.... but it’s sounds like your valid explanations are falling on deaf ears. Is there any way you can tune out of this unnecessary stress they are causing you for the next couple of weeks? Xx
I think I need to, and I’ve asked for some space which is sad because we are usually so close, but right now I just can’t handle the added emotion. Thank you for responding ♥️
Stay away from them for a while and just think of yourself, spend time outside go for a walk and leave them to it. Your sister wants to enjoy her pregnancy so let her get on with it. I don't think your family meant to hurt you. You shouldn't feel down about yourself either why feel crap about it. Your circumstances are challenging but it is what it is, focus on what is best for you, as you say it wouldn't have suited for you to go anyway, but get her a gift and leave it with your family before the shower. I understand this is not easy. Nobody enjoys ivf stay strong rise above it 💙❤️💕
Thank you. I had actually send a huge baby gift last week and my mum said she’d take it round next week - I just wish she’d told me then that she was going around for the baby shower. But you’re right, it is what it is and I just need to focus on me ♥️
Oh my goodness. I think that is incredibly insensitive. I would be so upset. I strongly believe that your feelings should come first, and one more person asking your sister how she is, when that person is going through the horrors of IVF, should be completely excused.
I think maybe just reply to your mum that you feel unsupported, incredibly hurt, isolated and just need some space and turn your phone off. Go focus on you. This is a precious time for you to prioritise you and be as kind to yourself as possible.
Sending you lots of hugs. All of us on here support you. Xxx
Awful, the worse thing they could possibly do. Makes me angry and upset for you. You can't control how they act and its a reflection on them not you. I say concentrate on yourself for now and that beautiful little embie ❤ huge good luck for next Friday 🤞 that's incredibly exciting keep positive and just put yourself first 😘🥰
Thank you ♥️ I am trying to remain positive... it was a double transfer this time so I’m praying that at least one of my embabies has snuggled in nicely 🤞🏻🍀 xx
I'm so sorry that your family hid this from you. I guess they were trying not to upset you when all they have done is upset you even more...
I have been so disappointed by my family during my IVF treatment. But then I decided the most important thing is my husband and my future family and came round to the fact they can't support me like I want.
Right now, you should be relaxing as much as possible. Focus on you and your partner as that's what really matters right now. Wishing you lots of luck for your OTD. Xx
Completely, they felt they were doing the right thing but sadly it’s the wrong thing to do as it’s only caused me more hurt. My husband has been amazing today, I’m very lucky to have him and to have two embabies on board so here’s hoping they stick 🤞🏻🍀 thank you for responding xx
It's so sad that they genuinely thought they were doing the best for you... But they ended up getting it so so wrong. Your mum should have sat you down and explained about the baby shower and given you the choice- it's her job as a mother to protect you, but not like this. To exclude you completely and think you wouldn't find out- all those people celebrating whilst you were in the dark- that must feel so cr***y. The only thing I can say is to hold on to the fact that every one makes mistakes, and your family have all unintentionally made the biggest one here. Just remember that their hearts were in the right place, even though they got it so so wrong... It was naive of them, and a little bit stupid honestly. As for your sister... Maybe its my age, or experience, or just the fact that I'm anti- gender reveals/baby showers/social media oversharing, but I just don't feel like putting those pictures online was completely necessary-how did they think this wouldn't get out?? If I was her, I would have kept those photos in my private camera roll. Again, stupidity. But then I don't put anything online. What an absolute mess. I'm so sorry you're feeling so rubbish. Try to take care of your little embie, that's precious cargo you have onboard there x
I know they haven’t meant to hurt me, they felt they were doing the right thing. I guess they just don’t really know what the right thing to do is - either way I’d be upset but excluding me makes me feel worse. I hope they understand that after the message I sent. Thank you for responding, I appreciate all of these responses ♥️ Xx
Hi I’m very sorry that your family have done this to you , although they may have been trying to protect you in there own way I don’t agree that this was the right way to go about it , to actually try to hide it & avoid asking you if you would like to attend , they know what you’ve been through with your loss last year & treatments since & obviously the current treatment you’ve had so why not have a chat with you explaining that they don’t want to seem as if there being insensitive but say like we of course would love you to attend being as it’s your sister but they would understand if you don’t wish to attend .
I do believe people who have not had any fertility issues or any treatment will never truly understand how it feels. It’s such an emotional journey with no guarantees, & without sounding critical about others I do sometimes think they take there falling pregnant naturally / unexpected for granted.
I hope you are feeling a little better after having this to deal with today , don’t let this stress you out.
I’m wishing you all the luck in the world for this transfer ! Xx
I definitely agree that those who haven’t experienced this themselves really have no clue as to how it feels, even when you try and explain it to them. And I appreciate that it’s really hard to relate but yeah, i just wish they’d gone about this one situation differently. Thank you so much for the luck, I’m holding onto it tightly 🍀🤞🏻 Xx
Oh I'm so sorry, this is so hard. My sis in law and I were pregnant at the same time and then I miscarried and she carried to term. It was so hard for me but I was also aware of how guilty she felt and angry that it didn't work for me.
I remember that I was able to go round to hers because she kept reaching out to me and was so upset didn't stop crying for days and each time I visited it got easier. The pain never went away and even now 2 years later is still there a bit. It was hard for me to try and think about it being hard for her also, worried that she couldn't bring it up with me, worried about being happy in front of me. And I did have to fake it a lot but if I felt I couldn't, I just removed myself. My husband was great about it - how is yours for trying to keep your comfort as key in all this?
What I've learned generally is a lot of people have no idea, genuinely, how to help people who are going through pain, grief, illness, loss, etc. And they can do some really stupid things.
You should feel proud that you spoke up, and asked for what you wanted, hopefully they'll behave better in the future as a result but even if they don't, I agree that you need to focus on what's good for you and you and your partner.
There will be good days and bad. I wish you the best of luck for your transfer 💗💗💗
I’m so sorry for your miscarriage 💔 that must have been so hard to maintain that friendship the way you have, so courageous of you during your own difficult time. I’ve really struggled with my little sisters news, more so because it came so naturally to her and she’s surrounded physically by all of my family whereas I’m in a different city and our circumstances couldn’t be more different - I already felt so left out and now even more so.
My husband has been my rock through all of this, he’s so supportive and keeps me going each day. I’m so lucky to have him ♥️
Oh my life 🤦🏼♀️😵 how do people ever get to the conclusion that.... by excluding people and having whispered conversations .....that this would be helpful? The only people it is helpful for is them? They didn’t want to have to consider your feelings as it is soooooooo hard when ya don’t know what to say. Silence..... secrets..... so hard! I imagine THEY THOUGHT that by not saying... this would leave you free from any pain! BUT they must not have played it out ..... they forgot about the .... what if she finds out 😪 heart breaking for you! Your pain and ivf journey is not about them
But by doing this.... they’ve made it ALL ABOUT THEM!!!!!! Why didn’t they just let you know they were planning something but would understand if you couldn’t face it? 🙄
Try to focus on why they didn’t mention it. They were just trying to prevent you from pain 😖
It’s hard but I know you wouldn’t wish ill on them.
Hopefully they will properly apologise to ease the hurt.💐
Just focus on yourself and use your ‘I’ sentences.
Such exciting news to hear about your baby shower! I would love to be able to be there but I am going through a two week wait with ivf and need to keep myself safe so will skip the baby shower. I’m sure you understand. I’ll send you a gift in the post and I hope you have a lovely time. How exciting , the end! (Obviously don’t write the end 🤣)
Thank you ♥️ I’m not mad that they’ve done it this way, I’m just hurt - they just got it wrong and I know it wasn’t intentionally. It’s just the reality of this situation, it’s just shite isn’t it and so hard to juggle. Xx
Couldn’t agree more. Infertility/IVF just poisons everything. It’s just so so tough. It affects our self esteem, self worth, confidence. Then we have to deal with other peoples insensitivities. My mum can be incredibly insensitive and it can often leave me gobsmacked.
I’ve had to handle it my distancing myself. Walls up. To protect my heart. ♥️
I think that’s it, my walls have gone up to protect myself but in doing so, it’s isolating me even further which isn’t helping. So tough. Hugs to you xx
I’m so sorry for this situation, it really is rubbish ❤️ Classic example of people not knowing how to handle taboos around infertility! Hopefully time will heal this, my advice is to give yourself some space for now. As others have said, it sounds like they had good intentions but they need to acknowledge how much this has hurt you so that you can move forward, I think. For now concentrate on your own well-being first and foremost. Wishing you all the best with your transfer. X
Families are funny things! I can completely understand where you’re coming from but just tried to think what they did was our of love and nothing else. They were all trying to protect you in their own way. Try explaining how they made you feel and I’m sure they’ll understand how and why you’re hurt and upset. All the best for your OFD xxx
I am so sorry you have experienced that. I can see why you feel hurt, I suppose like you say - they did what they thought was right, but it just made it so much worse.
I can read from your replies that you need time to relax now and forget about this - for now. And I get that. We all handle things differently, so you need to listen to what feels right for you. I am glad your husband is so supportive, so you two focus on doing nice things for you for now 🥰
This might not be the right thing for you, but if it was me, I would be open and honest about how I feel.. and what you need. When you are ready. Perhaps have a cuppa with both your mum and sister - when we are allowed, or in the garden 😇. And just have a chat together about the situation - perhaps tell them what you need. I know it might feel exhausting, but I really do think people who don’t go through infertility cannot imagine what it feels like, they try to, but you can never truly unless you have been there yourself. I was the same back when I thought I could just get pregnant when I was ready to, ignorant, but without knowing! I just never heard anyone talk about struggles/difficulties. So had no idea 1 in 8 couples struggle.. until it was us.
I do hope you find a way that works for you too still keep your mum and sister close 🥰 With time - take the time you need now for you!!
I really do hope for all the success for you this round - all the best with your 2ww and hopefully these two little embies are the ones that are meant to be! 💛🤞💫💫
I think my mum is in a tricky situation because she’s two daughters in two different situations, one who didn’t want to be pregnant but is and one who is desperately trying to be pregnant and is not... so I understand that’s probably quite stressful for her knowing the best way to protect both of her daughters. I do get that.
My husband is a little annoyed with my mum because he feels she’s made me question how I’m handling my sisters pregnancy at a time when she’s knows I’ve just had my transfer - and I don’t want to be upset during this time either. But I’ve also done back-back-back treatments for the last three transfers so it’s always on really! It’s why I’ve put boundaries up to try and protect myself from further upset, and that’s probably come across as if I don’t care about my sisters pregnancy which is far from the truth. I care a lot, I just don’t know how to process it in a way that doesn’t tip me.
I’m very close to both of them and speak to my mum daily, and my sister via message daily too so it is a tough situation that neither of us want to be in. But I have text me sister this morning saying we should talk so she can tell me how she feels and me her.
Thank you for your kind message, and for the luck! Holding on to the luck and praying this works so much!!! 🍀🤞🏻 Xxxx
I'm so so sorry to hear this. Big hugs and lots of love to you. Take the time to process things then when it feels right, I'd send them a message saying how its made you feel. Big hugs xx
Oh dear, that must be so upsetting. It is already hard to have a pregnant sister, it must hurt to not being invited by your mum.I don’t think they did this to hurt you, but to protect you. Sometimes people make wrong decisions because they just don’t know how we feel. I hope you have your BFP very soon 💕
It’s virtual with my mum attending in person (which is allowed). They definitely haven’t done it to hurt me, quite the opposite. But in doing it like they have, they’ve just made me feel more alone and I’d have thought they’d understand that because I am open about how I feel through this process. But, I get it. It’s a tough situation that no one knows quite how to handle. Thank you for your message ♥️ Xx
Ah ok, I wonder what is the point anyway. Last year after my miscarriage I had 8 pregnant friends and I was grateful that because of Covid baby showers were not planned or I would have felt awful if I had to miss them.
I totally understand how you feel especially because it’s family. I also read your other messages and it’s sad that your mum pointed out that you don’t ask your sister pregnancy updates...
Unfortunately another hard part of this process is that we can’t expect people to understand how we feel because they simply can’t and most of the time they don’t know how to behave around us.
Ow that must have been so hard for you. Covid in a way has been a security blanket and allowed us to shield away from the world but I don’t think it’s been helpful because it’s now made everything much scarier (or at least, that’s how I feel).
And I agree, they really don’t. It’s one of those awkward situations no one really knows how to address or cope with xx
This is terrible! They definitely should have told you about it but gave you an out if you didn’t want to attend. I’ve been invited to so many baby showers by close friends and family who know I’m struggling with fertility, I really wished they had given me an out. My younger sister has had two babies since I’ve been trying and asked me to plan her baby shower...Although what your family did is definitely the wrong approach, the fact that the we’re trying that hard to be sensitive is something I wish I had more of from my family! I wish you so much luck! ❤️❤️❤️
Aw that must have been so tough for you, well done for getting through that as it couldn’t have been easy and shows your strength of character and your resilience ♥️ Thank you for your message xxx
I am so sorry you’ve been treated this way. It’s very frustrating that those who are lucky enough to fall pregnant easily can sometimes be so ignorant and insensitive. Not saying pregnancy is easy but it’s a very fortunate position to be in. Wanting to be pregnant and struggling is a long process with a lot of upset, lots of unanswered questions and often no end in sight...and it’s baffling others don’t see it that way!
So glad you’ve a great husband to support you through this. Ignore your family for a few days and totally focus on you, your husband and the embies!
Wishing you and your husband alllll the luck ❤️
I know it’s different but I was pregnant and just found out I was going to mc for the 3rd time then my cousins twin sister invited me to her baby shower I wanted to be excluded I didn’t want to be involved in a baby shower after losing another baby I texted her saying no & it was insensitive but she said I didn’t want to leave u out. So I feel I can work both ways nobody really knows what to do for the best. I’m pregnant now & I’ve felt nobody even cares, my mam I think has just come to terms with it now I’m 31w I’m not sure if she had just been feeling cautious as I’ve had mc multiple times. I’m on a group chat with friends I feel I can’t say much about pregnancy as another friend has been ttc for yrs I don’t want to upset her unnecessarily and I hated when my cousin talked about pregnancy and she prob felt the same way I do now she shouldn’t mention it because how I was feeling so I can’t moan as the feelings go both ways.
Sorry to hear, that must have been tough. I do think those that haven’t experienced any kind of baby loss or infertility trauma genuinely don’t understand how deeply rooted the upset can be so I know it’s hard to juggle. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy xx
Oh my goodness I am so so sorry that your family have treated you this way it’s shocking. I think you have every right to feel the way you do, and the way they have acted is just proof that they can’t possibly understand how you’re really feeling. Like you say you wouldn’t be going but just to be given the heads up that this was happening would’ve been courteous. And unfollowing and then following again on social media seems a bit... odd to me. Never feel guilty for the way you feel, you can’t help it. You have every right to have a good old cry about this, but get it out of your system and focus on your embryos that are making themselves at home and they need lots of positive thoughts and no negativity. Stay strong 🙏🏼 Xxx
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