Feeling sorry for myself!

[Willow1976]

Hi all,

I don’t normally write posts on here, but been unable to sleep I thought I would write a little post. I read the many posts that are posted for support...and wow how amazing we are, they also provide reassurance that what I am feeling is actually normal and helps me not feel too guilty for the way I am feeling!

I am 43. Me and my husband have been trying for 8 years. For the last 4 we have been on the ivf journey (privately) as we didn’t meet nhs criteria as my husband is build like a rugby player and he would have had to loose 4 stone of muscle... we are healthy... don’t smoke and enjoy the occasional drink but that is all. I have ‘unexplained infertility’ which is hard enough as we have no answers to why! We have had 3 stimulation’s which we have in total had 9 ‘good’ embryos. I have had all the tests that have been suggested to us... although I am convinced there are a few that i haven’t had but don’t know about. Even with my age I respond well to the medication although during the stims I developed OHSS and so I have never had the opportunity to have a fresh transfer.

Before Christmas we were over the moon.... we had our first positive with our 7th transfer and found out on what would have been my nan’s Birthday... a good omen I thought 🙂 and made me 4 weeks 4 days. Went for a viability a fortnight later (20/12) and they could not find anything... a negative viability scan! On the Monday I had to go to the EPAU as I had had no pain or bleeding... I won’t waffle on but I officially lost in on Boxing Day.

I am really struggling this time.... I have remained at work full time... and doing a uni course... all probably trying to block and distract me from the pain and grief I am actually feeling... I am exhausted.

I have had counselling (once) as to be told on the analogy that my battery is nearly empty and I have a mountain to climb and she is amazed I am still ‘standing’! I needed practical help which this session wasn’t and so I didn’t go back. My GP is lovely and put me on a medication for anxiety... which helps a little. My consultant is also lovely although for the 3rd cycle part of me wished we had changed clinics... but we didn’t!!!

Last night I found out that my brother and his wife (who didn’t really want to go for it but did!) had a successful viability scan following donor egg transfer... I had a melt down.. I am pleased for them but.... I would have been 15 weeks!

I am not a jealous or envious person but I was last night and still am and feel guilty for feeling this...

We have one embryo left and we have a plan in place... my consultant wants me to get stronger... which I am struggling to do... I have to go on a medication for 3 months as I and they think that I have had recurrent miscarriages as well as the unsuccessful implantations... I am struggling to be upbeat and positive....

Not sure where or how to start to feel like me again... feeling empty and lost... and full of grief and pain... not easy to hurdle...

Sorry for waffling on...

[Lots8788]

So sorry to hear that you're feeling like this and the way you're feeling about your brother does not make you a bad person and its so easier said than done but try not to feel guilty.

Could you take some time out from everything e.g. time off work for some R&R?

You're not alone and not alone in feeling like this and we are all here to support you. Hope you have lots of support at home too.

Big hugs xxx

[Keepingfaith85]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your MC 😔 and I think what you are feeling is a completely normal part of grief and loss. Your brothers news must have knocked you sideways and you need to take some time to feel like you again. There's no right or wrong way to feel, let yourself feel and don't fight it. Just know that these feelings will pass and you will get stronger xxxxxx

[CLDxxx]

Hey lovely.

So sorry to hear of your loss. Please don’t feel guilty for finding your brothers news difficult, it’s completely understandable to feel this way and we have all felt the same.

I really think you need to take some time out for you. Work is a great distraction but can only be for so long before it all gets too much.

When I had my miscarriage I was given information on associations that I could use to help me, have you been offered anything similar?

I hope you have support around you. I didn’t have much personally plus I just busied myself rather than really talk about it and I think I struggled for longer because of that.

We are all for you, supporting you. I’m pleased you have written this post, I hope it helped and the replies do too.

💕xxxx

[Ranchu90]

Did you try PGS testing? You have really good number of embryos. I am quite young and only had 1 or 2 embryos each cycle 🥺. I do think that you still have good chances, don’t give up. Your clinic is trying to improve things that is a good sign. My mum always says there are no problems without solutions, for sure you will find your one as well.

I wish you all the best ❤️

[Hidden]

Im sending you love and hope you dont feel alone as so many of us go through this. I feel you and everyone around me is pregnant. Even ppl that dont try that hard but we need to try to focus on ourselves. Im religious and i heared one thing that really helped me a bit. That is, sometimes we are not ment to have that baby as later in life he or she would have suffered and we would be not able to deal with that. Not sure how to get the message across but i do believe if its ment to be it will be. So dont lose hope. I think if one of us lose hope it affects so many. And one of us can help so many. All my love xx

[ChristineB05]

I'm so sorry hun to hear about your MC, we all deal with our losses in our own ways and there is no wrong or right way.

It's crappy when you speak to a counsellor that is not helpful in the slightest but maybe it's worth trying another counsellor?

It's great that you reached out as I have found this forum amazing and has helped me through my darkest hours.

I hope you have support at home, be kind to yourself and I'm here if you need anything.

Take care xx

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. There are a lot of us on here in similar positions and it gets harder and harder. Your MC is still very recent and very raw.. I think you need time to grieve and time to be you for a bit - not even sure 3 months is enough. Can you get away? I know 'have a holiday' sounds flippant but it did me the world of good pretending TTC didnt exist for a week after one of my MC.

Like CLD said I found the miscarriage association forum quite helpful in the early days. I also think this forum is a godsend because in between the BFP news there are a lot of people struggling and only we get how we all feel. I am like you counselling just didnt work for me - I kept being told I had a 'lot of anger I needed to get rid of' but no practical help as to how.. It will get easier I promise, and in a few months time you will look back at this post and not recognise yourself. But in the meantime give yourself a break, a huge hug and rant as much as you want on this forum we are here to help xxx

[ttcemmie]

Hi love. Sorry to hear about your hard journey and don't worry about waffling on! Your post completely resonated with me as I have also really suffered mentally with this process (as I'm sure most people on here have!). I feel like IVF has taken over my life and I don't even know who I am anymore. I think it's amazing anyone soldiers on with IVF and I can't believe a lot of us work full time also! When I first started I thought IVF felt like a part time job, but the longer it goes on it feels like a full time job! It's also hard when other people announce their pregnancies, and the closer those people are to us, the harder it is. Of course you're happy for your brother, but that doesn't make it any less painful. Don't feel like you need to be positive all the time, but make sure you do whatever is best for you - whether that is taking a break, or ploughing on.... are you able to take some time off work? I also found counselling useless, but I have found on here to be 100 times better than counselling. Hopefully the lovelies on here help slightly. Lots of love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx