My heart is breaking daily into a million pieces. I've decided to have medical management tomorrow. I've been spotting on and off since Saturday.
My oh isn't supportive and I'm having to hide my grief. I've self referred to pregnancy loss counselling but there's a 7-8 week waiting list.
I have one cycle left and I'm terrified of that. My first cycle got 18 eggs BFN and second cycle 13 eggs with only one viable embryo which gave my bfp. I don't know whether to do long protocol which got me 3 to freeze first cycle but I developed OHSS. I had to do a fet which failed. I did short protocol 2nd cycle but only 1 embryo. This was a fresh transfer and gave me my bfp. The dilemma is long with some to freeze and probably ohss again us BFN or short with none to freeze again or possibly even none but this gave me my first ever bfp. I'm scared of if it fails again like in the summer but also scared of getting no embryos. Terrified ill have mmc again.
As it's my last cycle as we're self funding, I'm really not coping. I'm having to bottle up all my emotions. My oh GENUINELY is black and white about things. He says it's done, move on. It's not his weird masculine way of grieving, he's literally that cut and dry. He doesn't understand why I'm yearning for the baby I'm losing. He says it wasn't a baby. To me it was with a heartbeat I saw on 3 occasions. My heart is screaming in pain 😢
Please god don't let this happen to me again 😢 😢 😢 😢 💔 💔 💔 💔
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Jessy1280
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Hi Jessy1280. I've been reading your previous posts and I'm really feeling for you. 😥😥 I don't know what to say to make you feel better but I just want you to know that we're all here for you even if you're not getting the support from your OH xxx
Sometimes it's good to say it out aloud, it can make you feel better. Thinking of you in this very difficult time.....xx
I'm so sorry you've lost your baby. What a devastating thing to happen after all you've been through. Take some time to process the loss before you consider your next steps. I'm sure the clinic you're at will take into consideration your response to the different protocols and they may adjust things this time to avoid OHSS. I'm also sorry to hear your OH's reaction isn't the one that you would like for support. I would imagine he's grieving in his own way and just doesn't know how to process it. Make sure you both have people to talk to as you wait for counselling. Take care of yourself xx
Well done on making a decision on medical vs. surgical miscarriage. At least you will be able to move forward (when you're ready) when you have gone through it. Really really sorry to hear your OH is not understanding your grief. This was a massive event (especially when struggling with infertility): getting pregnant and subsequently losing your precious baby. Please don't hide your grief. Glad you have got on the waiting list for counselling. May I also suggest seeing if NHS Talking Therapies is in your area has a shorter waiting list? You can self-refer for that too. A miscarriage is definitely losing a baby. Hell, even a failed IVF cycle feels like grief. This was an actual pregnancy, though! After my MMC, I was in a really dark place, and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I thought I wouldn't want to go through IVF again in case it happened again, but the need for a baby is still there, and so I desperately await the next cycle of IVF. If I can give you any advice on the medical management please let me know. Are you having it in a hospital or at home?
Thanks for your reply. Having it in hospital. I'm really scared of what I'm about to go through. I know they'll give me tablets and I'll be likely to suffer cramps and nausea. Also know there's a bed pan involved. I don't know how I'll ever get past this pain xx
That's a positive that you're having it in hospital. You will have nurses around in case you are worried about anything. For me, the physical pain wasn't too bad - like bad period cramps (I imagine this varies wildly between women), but the emotional pain still lingers now (this was July). I am dreading my "due date" in January. The main thing I wasn't expecting was the amount of blood that came out of me. I ruined my favourite lounging trousers; had to throw them out. You will come out through the other side of this. We're all here for you (as well as your actual family and friends). Take some time to grieve and do nice things for yourself. Take as much time off work as you need (if possible)!
Oh Jessy I’m so sad for you. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and that your husband doesn’t understand your pain or the fact that for you this is very real even in terms of what your body is now going through. It’s a loss and you’re entitled to grieve especially throughout a process that is very much still happening. I’m sure your partner is upset, but doesn’t know what to make of the situation or how to help. It may seem as though he really doesn’t care, but I doubt that very much. I do believe underneath it all it’s what he tells himself to cope. Will you have anyone with you at the hospital and have you considered telephone counselling? With regards to your protocol, both have their pros and cons, but it’s about what ultimately offers the best outcome whilst not putting your health at risk. Maybe there’s an in between that can be discussed. Talk to your consultant and explore your options. You only need one egg, but if this will be your last cycle you may wish to opt for a protocol which offers a better chance of having frosties. It’s about what you feel you can endure. We’re all here for you. Thinking of you, wishing you well and praying that the future is so much more kinder...x
Jessy I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I felt teary just reading your posts as I've been in the place you are and I know and understand the grief you are feeling and my heart breaks for you. Let me just tell you firstly that you will get through this - at the point you are at now you feel like your heart will never heal and you'll never get over it - I promise you will feel better in time - you never forget but you do move forward - keep talking and sharing your feelings - either here or with close friends/family - it helps to get it out rather than bottle it up. Whilst it's terrifying thinking of what to do in the future and I totally understand why you feel scared/anxious about what comes next - planning what to do next helps you to regain some control and I found that really helped me. I've had 3 miscarriages, the first two because of sticky blood (Antiphospholipid syndrome), I was on treatment when I miscarried for the third time but testing showed the baby had turner syndrome. I lost all three between 8-9 weeks. I had medical management for the first two, the first of which was fine, the second was awful and had to go back into hospital for surgical after a week when it hadn't worked properly, the third I opted for surgical straight away to avoid this. The third miscarriage hit me particularly hard and it took months for me to shake the general malaise that I felt - what did help massively was to talk about it - a lot - I kept quiet after the first two but not after the third and i've become a big advocate of speaking out about it - and the response has been really comforting so I'd definitely recommend. I also decided to take control and do all I could to get my body (and eggs) into the best possible shape for one last try - I adapted my diet to ensure I was getting the best possible nutrients, stopped drinking caffeine, limited alcohol (not totally - because hey - a glass of wine or two is sometimes a necessity!), started doing fertility acupuncture and used medichecks to monitor my hormone, thyroid, iron, vitamin and mineral profiles and spent some time getting everything to an optimum level for pregnancy (I'm 39 and my FSH was particularly high after the last miscarriage and my AMH low - to the point where a doctor said I was approaching menopause which was totally unhelpful and upsetting as well as being untrue!) I also went through the Fertility Support Company (Naava Carmen who is absolutely wonderful - she specialises in those going through ivf as well as natural) for a tailored herb protocol - I was on herbs from May to August this year to help with getting my body ready for pregnancy and each month the herbs were adjusted according to my symptoms, how I was feeling, blood results etc. I also got tested privately for NK cells - which came back high so knew I had to be on medication to address this.
I'm telling you all this because I want you to have hope - that no matter how heartbroken you are now, how anxious and and terrified you are of what comes next - it can work out and it can happen. I'm now nearly 17 weeks pregnant, I still have a long way to go and every day bringing fresh anxiety but I feel like everything I've done this year has helped me keep hold of this much longed for baby and get me past the 8/9 week mark. Look after yourself and do whatever makes you feel that little bit better, take time to grieve and process your loss - sending you lots of love and strength x
I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. We have an incredible charity called petals in Cambridgeshire. Not sure where you’re based but even if they can’t help you, they might be able to help you find somewhere closer to home: petalscharity.org
Of course it was a baby! I want to scream for you! It had a heartbeat, obviously a heart, it was your little boy or little girl, it was a living thing, it was life! I’d recommend your Husband goes to counselling too or at the very least accompanies you because he needs to understand what he lost and if he can’t then he needs to learn some empathy for you.
I had three miscarriages, two of them were mmcs following ivf treatment. I know how much you’re hurting. Don’t let anyone take anything away from you and your baby xx
Awww Jessy, Im gutted that you feel so unsupported! It sounds like your OH's way of coping is to just not believe it was a baby and to try and shut his emotions away in a box....which of course it was, and very much your very wanted baby! My OH was in absolute bits to the point that he said he couldnt support me asked me to call my mum. I had to be the strong one for him which was also hard but we did cry together, his grief may come at a later date. I really hope you have family or a good friend to lean on as hiding your grief cant be good for you sweetheart. Counselling sounds like a really good idea and you can maybe in time think of something that you can do as a bit of a rememberance for your lost little one - I felt that helped me and my OH. I hope all goes ok tomorrow (well as ok as it can do), thinking of you and sending so much love.xxx
Jessy, I’m so so sorry, this is unimaginably cruel after everything you’ve been through so far and not at all helpful that your OH isn’t able to support you in the way you need right now. Tommies website has a lot of support for getting through a miscarriage and they might be able to provide some immediate emotional support or at least point you in the direction of a local charity who could help. Is there anyone via your clinic you could speak too? I ended up seeing someone privately because the waitlists were just too long and I know it’s a cost but when you’re in total crisis situation then you just can’t place a value on your mental health xx
Thank you all so so much for your messages of support. I've discovered my hcg was 10,391 Sunday at the hospital. My last hcg beta at my clinic weeks and weeks ago was 5391. My hcg clearly hasn't been doubling every 48 hrs. I feel totally let down by my private clinic but luckily my local NHS hospital at epu have been outstanding. My clinic told me to go home, get pj's on and get a bottle of wine after my devastating news! Unbelievable.
My oh is now saying we're changing our diet for next cycle. He says he has been googling hcg and that we need to eat lots of fruits, especially strawberries and protein but no starches to get hcg up! Bloody Google!!!! Don't think he grasps our baby was probably defective and doomed whether I ate strawberries or not!! X
Glad you’re being supported by the hospital. Also sounds like your husband is trying to help in his own way. I truly believe he’s just trying to feel like he can do something that may make a difference as he can’t change what’s already happened. It may not feel like much, but it would suggest it has affected him...x
Wine and pyjamas are definitely the best idea! It does sound like your husband is trying to help in his own way. I would explain to him that it's nothing you did or didn't do, but if it makes him feel better to eat strawberries, then it won't harm!
So sorry Jessy. My OH was the same and I was completely alone so know how you feel. EPU were thankfully brilliant with me too. I hope tomorrow goes as ok as can be. Thinking of you 💕xxx
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. This is simply one of the toughest journeys any of us will ever have to go through in life. You’ve been so, so strong up to this point and you’re just going to have to try to keep going my love.
Your OH sounds very similar to mine although he didn’t say it wasn’t a baby and tried to comfort me to a degree it doesn’t come naturally to him.
The truth is no one other than those of us who have walked this road can really understand it.
Please take heart that you will get through this and come out stronger the other side.
Give yourself plenty of time to grieve after the procedure on Sat. Take time off work if you can and let all the tears and pain out during the days whilst your OH is at work if you have to but please don’t bottle it in.
Oh Jessy my heart breaks for you when I read your post. I’m so sorry that you are going through such pain. This process is just so unbelievably difficult. I’m so sorry that your OH isn’t being supportive and that his comments about it not being a baby sound so hurtful. I hope that is just his way of coping. Unfortunately it’s not one we are able to use when it is all going on on our bodies. Please don’t let anyone deny your feelings and grief. Losing a baby (any baby!) is a huge loss. Like others have said it is so important to let your feelings out if you can. See what services you can find (from the suggestions above) and always know that we are here any time you need to let it out. Hoping tomorrow goes as well as it can. Sending you huge healing hugs at this devastating time xxxx
Sending you huge hugs Jess, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You are stronger then you think and no matter how broken you feel right now you will get through this and time will help to heal your pain. It will get easier but you will always remember your little baby. Once tomorrow is done definitely treat yourself and talk about it as much as you need to, it will definitely help. I wish you didn’t have to experience this- it’s so cruel.
I lost my baby in July I had an ectopic I only knew I were pregnant for a week. 1 week of being happy until I were told the dreaded news my baby was in my tube. Such a horrible feeling really is. I’m sorry for your loss you won’t forget your baby but you will learn how to remember your little baby whatever way you decide to that. Lucky for me, me and my OH managed to get babies ashes because this is a thing they now do with ectopics. Every night we light a candle and have a picture of me and the OH in the hospital the day we lost her ‘ both smiling’ we decided to call her faith as we both felt she was female and faith the name come from us having faith that hopefully in the end we get our rainbow baby as it was very difficult for me to become pregnant naturally and we seen her as a miracle given my circumstances. Thoughts are with you and I hope you can relax yourself as much as you can tomorrow.xxxx ❤️
Oh I’m so sorry to read this Jessy!! I’ve been in your shoes and I’m heartbroken for you!! My OH reacted in a similar way, but I think it was his way of coping. I honestly thought he didn’t really care at first, he was showing no emotion. But I can now see he is doing lots of little things that showed he was actually listening to me and wants to prepare for us to try again. It sounds like your OH is similar, now that he is googling and trying to help out in his own way.
This is such a difficult time and there is little anybody can say to help take that pain away right now, but please know that we are always here for you! Never feel like you need to bottle it up. I just wanted to send you lots of love xx
Thank you. I'm awake already and terrified what's ahead of me. I'm worried about how my partner will react seeing me pass it today in hospital. I don't think I'm fully prepared for the aftermath when baby is no longer inside me and I'm no longer getting positive tests. That bfp is what we all yearn for x
Aww I understand that feeling!! It’s a heartbreaking thing to go through. The hospital will look after you. Make sure you take lots of time to grieve and recover & don’t leave the hospital until you are completely ready. I will be thinking of you xx
I am just so sorry. Wish I could hug you. I feel so bad for you.
Hi I'm sorry for your loss I've had 3 mmc at or over 12w, 2 blighted one got to 9w then no heartbeat. Nothing can describe the pain of losing a baby regardless if it early I still struggle and it nearly been a year since my last mmc. I think men want to think of it as just cells or whatever because to lose an actual baby is horrific to deal with. I hope your coping ok today mc are painful, I hope its over quickly for you. Sending hugs xx
I would just love to hug you tight right now. I am sending you so many hugs and well wishes! It's difficult to see the light at the end of tunnel but you'll get yours! We both will❤
Thank you sooo much for your lovely message. I've used my one free session of counselling with my clinic and so I've referred myself to a pregnancy loss counselling service but the wait is 7-8 weeks. I had medical management in hospital weds and was there for 12 hours. The pain was awful. I'm struggling to come to terms with that my baby has gone and so scared my final cycle will result in BFN or another mmc. I think this is probably a natural feeling. I literally tear up every time I think of what's happened. My oh can tell something is wrong with me but doesn't realise the extent of my heartache. Subject is totally off limits. He says no more ivf unless my head is right so I'm busy trying to bottle up my feelings so we can try again in the new year. I'm so touched by the lovely messages of support I keep getting. Helps me feel less alone xxx
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