Loosing hope, don't know how I'll cope - Fertility Network UK

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Loosing hope, don't know how I'll cope


Hello lovely people, I'm new here today and really hope for some advise to help keep me sane from you lovely ladies...& maybe to give me some hope too.

I'm 40 and currently 4dp5dt on my 2nd ICSI round. The first cycle back in May was free on the NHS (just before I turned 40) & short protocol, this cycle is long protocol & we are self funding but still at NHS. First round 10 eggs, 8 fertilised, 2 pre blastocyst transferred day 5, but all other eggs had stopped developing by then so nothing to freeze & BFN. This round 12 eggs, again 8 fertilised and 3 transferred day 5, 1 blasto & 2 pre blasto, all others had stopped developing by day 4.

Day 2 post transfer I went for a short slow walk and suddenly had excruciating pain in the right side high ovary & tummy, across my hip and into my lower back. It went on for half an hour, I had to lie on a bench as I couldn't walk, it took my breath away it hurt so much. Then it stopped and since then absolutely nothing, I feel very normal, it's just my emotions that are painful 😔 I fear it was my body rejecting the gorgeous little embies. Has anyone else had anything like this? I also felt no symptoms last time and had the BFN so I'm devastated already and loosing hope.

On top of this my partner is severely depressed and hasn't really supported me through this process or the last cycle (he says he wants a family and knows time is against us but can't cope with the reality of this) so there is no positivity in our home or relationship, I feel very alone. I was also made redundant just before my last cycle in May and haven't been able to find a new job yet and the stress of all this has led me to develop stress triggered diffused hair loss which ironically I'd be more upset about in any other circumstances but at the moment it seems small in comparison but it is knocking my confidence...so all in all a compete mess and I'm so scared of that BFN next Friday when I test, how will I cope? 😔 Xxx

24 Replies

So sorry your going through all this 😢this process is hard enough as it is never mind having problems at home

The added stress is not good for either of you I really hope you get your bfp 🤞🏼good luck

Thank you soo much for your kind words🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻


I think the fears you are having are quite common Hun. I also felt very alone during my IVF as my husband was ridiculously positive about it working whereas I was far more realistic. I couldn't talk to him about my fears because all he would say was if you think bad things then nothing good will happen!Really helpful! I wasn't working either so had far too much time on my hands to over analyse everything which made me negative, frustrated etc which I then took out on my husband. I felt like a failure as everyone around us had kids or got pregnant so easily. My husbands friend got married the week after us & 10 months later his wife gave birth to a baby girl. I couldn't have felt more worthless if I tried at that point! I had no symptoms after my embryo transfer apart from period type pain so was shocked when I got my BFP. I'm older too at 41 so get the feeling as if time is running out but some of us are blessed to be lucky enough to get our longed for babies. I hope you too are one of them. Wishing you so much luck. Xx

Blueskyday in reply to Hidden

Gracieboos, thank you soo much for your reply, it really sounds like you went through such a hard time too so I’m over the moon for you that you had your BFP. I hope everything is going well?

Isn’t it funny how you crave what you don’t have as when things are soo negative for me I wish for some positivity yet reading your situation I know I would really struggle with that too, that’s hard.

I really hope your self worth has come back as I completely understand how that feels as the situation is the same for me, it’s awful isn’t it but I know we’re not alone in this feeling which gives me strength 😘

I don’t have any symptoms either apart from occasional cramping. I got my faint bfp today so your not out the game yet xx

Blueskyday in reply to AJJ123

🎉 that’s fantastic news, huge congratulations on your longed for BFP, I know how much that will mean for you...everything crossed I’m with you next week! 🤞🏻

AJJ123 in reply to Blueskyday

Thank you I tested quite early though 13 days after trigger and I’m worrying now lol. We shall see on Sunday xx

AJJ123 in reply to Blueskyday

It’s ok tested again stronger line. Thanks hun the whole process is very on edge, we’re all on tenterhooks waiting for all the signs you read about. Last night I had the worst heartburn, I had it late on in pregnancy but never as s symptom.

I think each pregnancy on each woman is different. My mum had no signs other than a missed period. Usually the signs appear weeks after your test - imagine the old days! Xx

Blueskyday in reply to AJJ123

Such great news you had a stronger line, that’s fantastic.

That’s soo funny re old days I remember a girl at college who didn’t realise she was pregnant for 4 months as her period wasn’t very regular (& in denial I’m sure) such a contrast to now especially following IVF as every feeling I’m analysising, you have to laugh 😂 xx

I have every hope for you, let me know how you get on xx

I had an electric shock shooting pain in my groin and then some spotting when I previously got a BFP 2 years ago (sadly ended in miscarriage). It was all around the time of implantation. I'm now 14 weeks but didn't get anything this time.

I'm 42 so there is hope for oldies, although I used a donor egg this time.

Everything crossed for your test date.


Thank you soo much for your reply. Many congratulations on your pregnancy, that’s such fantastic news.

Did the pain last for a while or just a quick shock as such? I haven’t had any spotting but I know not everyone does.

It does seem from all the replies and friends that every time is different symptom wise so everything crossed xx

The pain literally lasted seconds but was very painful.

It’s sad to hear you’re so low, I’ve been at that point where you feel like there is nothing else to hope for, but there is always hope.. you’re in your 2ww, that’s everything to hope for! The nurse at my clinic has told me several times “don’t worry now, otherwise you may just worry twice and what’s the point in that!” When you think of it like that worrying seems pretty pointless as either way you will deal with each step and result as it comes. I’m also in my 2ww and when I go all negative I start to think No, I have to at least try and believe it might work otherwise what’s the point at all! Try and talk to your partner, do stuff together and help each other (but I also know how testing this can be on your relationship) This whole road is so damn hard but after everything let’s hope it’s just all worth it. Big hugs and lots of luck to you xx

Blueskyday in reply to hdd1sm

Thank you soo much...& that is very true re worrying especially as there’s nothing I can now do...I’m going to try your approach today and be firm with myself and say No! (It might not work so well with resisting the biscuits I’ve just bought myself but small things can make you smile can’t they)

I wish you every hope for your results, I have my fingers and toes crossed for us both, when do you test? Xx

That’s a lot of stress. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that stress isn’t good for you 😞

You wouldn’t feel your body rejecting embryos. And 2dp seems too early for implantation cramping. It might just be a rogue thing or some spasms near your ovary from EC or something. I’ve had two bfps and the only “symptoms” I really had were af cramps. I was convinced I would get my period both times.

Whatever happens you would get through it. It would be hard and it would take time but that’s the thing about time, it eases everything. Do you have a back up plan for worst case scenario? Bfp or bfn perhaps you and Hubby could take a mini break somewhere, just the two of you, get a chance to talk properly, maybe even consider counselling together?

I really am sorry about all the stress you’re under. Good luck for test day. Hoping you get your bfp xx


Goodness me sounds like you are going through so much right now. So sorry for all you are going through & for the bfn they’re horrible.

2WW is really tough going. I haven’t done IVF but done many 2WW & found them difficult. I had to have numerous surgeries to treat endometriosis & a round of clomid which has done the trick- I’m 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Very early days & quite nervous as we had a chemical pregnancy last year but so far it’s going well 🤞🏻it’s been a long journey ( 7 years & 1 month) I know how it sucks our hope & positivity from you. ☹️

I had very little to no symptoms; all of them could easily have been my pms. I even had what I thought was AF cramps 3 days before my period was due- it was implantation cramps & I was convinced I was out. It wasn’t light cramping!!! Cramping isn’t always a bad sign😘

Men don’t always get it do they? I had cramping a few days ago & hubby was laidback like this is very normal!! I was freaked out ( to the point where I’ve retested 🙈& lines were still strong😅) i think men in general have different ways of dealing with things. I hope your hubby can help & support for his depression? So much focus is on fertility being a women’s issue ( which complete crap) & men can feel masculinity is questioned. Men find it hard to open up, only seeing my hubbys face at the positive test did I see how much it meant to him! I’m glad our issue was me ( I have endometriosis) as I don’t think my hubby would’ve coped as well if it was “him”.

Perhaps counselling could help you both? Infertility is such a difficult thing for any couple to go through. I hope you feel better by reaching out here too.

You’re definitely not out - from my own experience of positive tests pms vs early pregnancy symptoms are identical & very difficult to tell apart.

Good luck with OTD got everything crossed for you 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 xoxo 😘

Blueskyday in reply to Hidden

Jess, many congratulations on your pregnancy, after 7 years trying & surgery that is such fantastic news, soo happy for you.

Thank you for your lovely support and understanding and you’re right it is good to remember how different men are to us sometimes (often!! 😂), I really hope he shows some joy if it’s a positive result. He is getting support now, but it did take me threatening to leave for him to start counselling but I’m happy he is going as although he doesn’t talk about it he’s still going 4 months later which does give me some hope. Our problem is mainly me (egg quality) but also him but luckily ICSI solved his issue but maybe that has impacted him more than I realised.

I do definitely feel better for reaching out thank you, female support is an amazing thing ‘girl power’ and all that!! I am considering counselling too, but with money tight I’ll need to wait on NHS but perhaps I should go and get my name on the list.

Thank you so much for wishes of luck, with all the replies I feel like there’s a little growing force of positivity in me from the support which is amazing thank you xx

Hidden in reply to Blueskyday

Thank you.

I’m glad your hubby is getting help, you’ll need his support even after a positive test.

I’m sure he will overjoyed it is a very magical moment 😊 we both cried!

As much as I love my hubby it is good to have support from ladies,especially going through this. It’s been a very tough journey but I can say hands on heart it has been worth it 💗

Make sure you do nice things for you because you matter too 💗 😘

Tugsgirl, Thank you soo much for your kind words.

I didn’t realise 2dp 5 day transfer was too early to feel implantation so hopefully as you say it was due to EC as I was very swollen after that, although that had mostly gone by transfer. I don’t have a back up as I’m not sure we can afford to self fund at the moment but I think a break is a really good idea to try and reconnect with my partner. I suggested couple counselling in the past and he hasn’t been keen but thinking about it I really should ask/push that again as I believe it always helps, I think the NHS offer a session too which would be good...you just made me remember that, thank you!

Thank you soo much for your luck and thoughts, and with all the replies from the lovely ladies on here I do feel more supported ☺️ xx

Aw man, what a time your having. Sorry to hear this. Fingers crossed for a bfp🤞Xx

Thank you Noobs 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 Xx

Hey, so sorry to read your difficult times. I had severe cramping for hours on end with both my last 2wws but around days 7 and 8, both BFNs. I had no pain after first 2 transfers but still both BFNs. My consultant had no idea what the really bad pain could have been but it was scary and sad so I feel for you but I know it could be a positive sign too or nothing to even do with the embryos! So just hang on in there and I hope the counselling helps your partner xxx

Thank you soo much for your kind words Scarlett, and I’m soo sorry about your bfn’s, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it 😔 I’m still hopeful but finding it harder each day towards OTD as now I have no symptoms at all xxx

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