Private ivf who pays and how

[Afrohair]

Hi there just a little rant really me and partner discussed possible ivf later down line if troubles arise at minute he seems to be edging down how can you afford ivf and I im not paying for that ?its a bit like why would I pay for that alone basically cause it’s my problem I should pay I explained it would be our baby he keeps saying it won’t come to that and sort of back tracks but most the time he acts like he Dosent want to pay even though he’s desperate for a baby and nearly 40!we ain’t got time on our side I’m nearly 35 he thinks well he can have a baby at 40 (his sister just had a baby at 40 )and me when I’m 35-40

[Hidden]

If you both have a combined savings pot I would say it comes out of that. He also wants a child and he should be prepared to fund it.

Wishing you well.

[Afrohair in reply to Hidden]

We don’t 🙁you wouldn’t think we were getting married would you we do everything separate money wise and go half’s on all bills between us but he earns more than I but I don’t see his cash it goes in his own pot he seems to think I have enough

[Hidden in reply to Afrohair]

It sounds like you have bigger issues than IVF to be honest. Does he realise if you get married you will be joining your lives in every way, and that includes legally and financially? IVF is a stressful and difficult process. If he isn't prepared to support you through it, financially and emotionally, I'd be seriously questioning this relationship. Therapy is always useful if you've reached an impasse, so I'd recommend addressing these issues with a couples' counsellor.

[Afrohair in reply to Hidden]

even if we got married our finances would stay more or less the same unless we agreed otherwise. I wouldn’t go as far as questioning our relationship over it like I said we are just discussing at the minute and nothing is setting stone.there was a point where I was the main income earner just circumstances have changed and I’ve had to work part time.i don’t feel I would need a councillor for this but thankyou for the concerning advice I’m sure lots of relationships just do things in very different ways and what might be acceptable in one might not in another that’s why I put the post out to see other people’s way of working things out and to find the norm and acceptability but I’m finding very different views according to their relationship .me personally I would like my partner to split it .I’m guessing yours is a joint decision?But further down the post their are people saying women have funded on their own

[Afrohair in reply to Afrohair]

That should have been lol after that question “you wouldn’t think we were married would you?lol

[Purplewitch18]

It sounds like he is in denial at the moment, and its not really sunk in. Its not an easy thing to digest when you get told you need help. I wanted to try for a second child at age 36, he wasnt ready, i said im older now it could take ages. He was like, oh it wont take ages!. Now here we are both age 40 needing ivf and it was him who wanted to try it. Give your partner a bit of time for things to process in his head x

[Afrohair in reply to Purplewitch18]

Your right he is in denial this year has been hard because he went away on holiday and came back to me lying in bed unable to move with pelvic pain we had just got engaged at this point was planning for another baby to be told I could have endometriosis we did try for that baby and I got pregnant and misscarried at 13 week since the baby the symptoms carried on to my bowl so we don’t know what to do baby wise we have been told I should go on pill for 3 month and all sorts of nonsense we don’t even no where to turn

[Purplewitch18 in reply to Afrohair]

Bless you im so sorry to hear that. That in itself takes time to accept. Sometimes the pill can help as it surpresses the endo and stops it growing, so it may have some benefit but everyone is different. When youre actively trying for a baby you cant treat your endo and so we suffer and its shit it really is. You can lessen the symptoms painwise though with diet and supplements and get your body ready for another baby by taking things like ubiqionol to improve your egg quality. You may still catch naturally you never know, either way id do everything possible to get those eggs maturing nicely and change your diet if you havent already to curb the endo inflammation, its not a cure but you will have more good days than bad and it really does reduce the pain.

Theres lots of advice on here and also the endometriosis uk forum, lovely ladies on here and there. And a lot if us in the same boat so dont feel alone because you really arent.

[Afrohair in reply to Purplewitch18]

Yes I’m on the endo diet now but it’s so hard when I miss stuff and realise after it’s got wheat in it 😆I thought I was being really good other day buying mixed beans for soup to find they had hidden wheat in them after batch cooking a load otherwise I’m quiet good with the dust but I’ve lost tonnes of weight on it ,it’s kinda good but kind of not cause I look really slim now as in a size 8 or 10 sometimes less also I missed meat so I’ve started buying grass fed it made me feel awful with no meat I think that’s why I dropped the weight so quickly but it’s hard finding grass fed meat have to buy it online I will look into those pills thanks for the advise !😀

[Purplewitch18 in reply to Afrohair]

Well done, grass fed meat and organic is stupidly expensive, i couldnt keep that up. I just cut out gluten, wheat and dairy, im terrible with sugar as i have a sweet tooth though. Gluten made a big difference though. There are lots of pills you can take but that one is proven to make a difference and our ivf dr recomended it too.

Good luck, let us know how you get on with everything x

[Afrohair in reply to Purplewitch18]

It is but I get it from Ocado delivered it’s not too bad for beef mince burgers and meat balls and I just add lots and lots of veg and only a small portion so I at least have a little bit of meat we don’t really need that much meat anyway but it made me feel like I was missing something I already was diary free sugar free wheat free I don’t even eat bread any more I didn’t realise I ate so much till I stopped 😆but hey that was my go to food and cheese only just getting used to dairy free cheese I don’t like all brands it’s hard to eat out too you can’t even have vegetable oil because of the way it’s processed

[Purplewitch18]

It is hard to eat, i hate dairy free cheese, im actually allergic to cows milk but can tolerate goats cheese so i have that and im fine with it. Ahh i didnt think about mince, im basing price in chicken as i dont eat any other meat. It sound like youre doing really well!

[Afrohair in reply to Purplewitch18]

if You go on Ocado and spend £40 you get free delivery and a gift so I try do that and I just get meat and a few other bits it is a bit more expensive but it’s good to balance it out and have meat free days too so it’s less costly it’s best to batch cook aswell it can get consuming making meals for endo diet because you eat lots of veggies I also use slow cooker a lot and just whack a load of stuff in lol I’m not quite their yet with the diet but I’m trying 😂😆

[Afrohair in reply to Purplewitch18]

I have to melt the cheese

[LKT1]

This is tough but I’d suggest if you are planning a child you set up a joint account to pay for ivf and future costs to care for that child. Think it will be a bit difficult moving forwards if you don’t have shared finances. Even if you are successful getting pregnant, which I hope you are, this problem would likely continue I.e who would pay for nappies, clothes as well as things baby will need like furniture, buggy etc x

[Afrohair in reply to LKT1]

That’s a good idea I think I’ll mention it

[Rash8]

Hi my husband isn’t helping me pay for IVF so I’ve been paying for it by myself.

[Afrohair in reply to Rash8]

That’s really sad is it a joint decision to have the baby I know it would be hard for me to raise the money alone I think it should be combined I only work part time he works full time and more

[lolly2019]

Lots of people pay by themselves, or together, depending on what works for them. In my situation it was me wayyyyyyy more than my partner that wanted children but he was happy to try and have a baby with me. When we got diagnosed as unexplained fertility issues, both seemingly ok, he decided that he didn’t want to pay for Ivf. He was happy to remain childless rather than pay. However, I did not. He pays for a lot of other things in our life for example, the boat we own, the marina fees, the fuel etc and I never contribute so I decided I didn’t mind paying for it and we went ahead. Unfortunately 3 ivf’s later I’m still childless and now savingsless but it was what I wanted and I would have regretted not doing it by believing we both should pay when it really was me who desperately wanted it more than him. Don’t let what other people think ‘should’ be the norm and base it on how much you want to try...the whole journey is a rocky road so you always have to try and be quite matter of fact when you can. Would he be happy not to pay and have no children? Would you be happy to fall out about it with him refusing to pay and end up never knowing if you could have a child? Would he be happy to undertake Ivf with you paying? Would he want to be financially responsible for a child if that happens? Would you be happy to pay solo to have a child? Try and think about what you’re ok with and what you’re not ok with and have another chat. There was a lot of tears and talks before we decided the best plan for us but I don’t look at him any differently now that I paid as that’s what we decided and went for it. Best of luck.xxx

[Afrohair in reply to lolly2019]

That’s good it worked out well for you ,and I’m so sorry you haven’t got your baby yet.I think he’s starting to think he Dosent mind if he Dosent have the baby cause he Dosent want to pay for it ,but it’s early days I could be wrong but I want to put that finance in place as we simply don’t have it and he’s longing for a baby .I do have children on the other hand with my ex And he’s brought them up.I’m a problem here and It’s giving me a whole host of other issues like it affecting my emotions feelings of worthlessness also I know I can’t financially afford ivf alone as we split everything 50/50 and he’s the highest earner