Fertility Network UK
13,082 members21,164 posts

IVF miscarriage Now where do we go?

Hi all

It’s 3 weeks since it was finally confirmed we’d lost our baby following IVF with DE. We’ve been TTC for 6 years, 3 rounds of IVF, 2 miscarriages, £19k and a lot of heartache later and we still haven’t managed to get our longed-for baby.

My OH is feeling really angry about having gone through all of this and won’t even entertain the idea of trying one last time with our frozen embies. I can’t accept that I’ll never be pregnant with our child and we’ve reached an impasse where I’m now back in limbo still not knowing if I’ll ever have children at all as he doesn’t want to talk about it.

The clinic have suggested a follow-up appointment but OH doesn’t want to go and I don’t know what they’ll tell us that we don’t already know. Can anyone advise what they talk about at the follow-up and whether you found it useful.

I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m trying so hard to hold it all in so I can function at work and in life but I feel like I’m close to breaking point. I haven’t really grieved this loss, I just feel numb 😢

13 Replies
oldestnewest

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news but I can appreciate completely where you are coming from. We have been trying for 9 years, 2 cycles of IVF and 6 transfers but no joy. We finally found out we were pregnant naturally last sept after starting going through the adoption process only then to find out at 12 weeks I had lost our baby at 9 weeks.

We were devastated and I couldn't believe what had happened. You feel so broken and nothing anyone says will make you feel better. You need time to grieve and take time to come to terms with what has happened.

I went back to work 3 weeks after but it wasn't until 5 months after that I am now happy to go back to the adoption process so we can have our family. I'm not hung up on having our own child now as if it happens after we adopt fantastic but if not then we still have our family.

I know it's not an easy thing to get your head around and it took me some time to but after starting the process and speaking to people I found it was the right choice for us.

We went back for a final check but the doctor didn't tell us anything we didn't already know from the last lot of failed transfers so it's up to you. I just wanted everything finished so that chapter was closed.

Take off yourself and be kind to yourself. Accept help and support wherever you can get it. If you need a chat message me any time. Sending you big cwtches x

2 likes
Reply

Thanks for sharing your story and your kind words. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that. I hope everything is going well for you with the adoption process xx

Reply

Hey hon

Am with you in every level, promised hubby that if the number 7 didn’t work then I would give up but....

3 failed rounds OE, first round with DE a success but lost at 17w, 2 x FET and 1 x different donor all blasts = BF0 no frozen but yet still a dream... Considering maybe adoption but will need to move first.

Am I ready to give up no but fed up hating the world and the person ivf has made me.

Can’t find the answer for you but you will know when the time is right I suppose I know one thing at some point the chapter must close x

1 like
Reply

Bless you hon, you’ve certainly been through the mill with it all. I know exactly what you mean about how it affects everything we do and makes us into different people. I’ve managed to have a bit of a chat with OH tonight so lines of communication are sort of back open but no decisions yet.

I’m also at the stage of wanting to set an end point to all this as we can’t carry on forever.

I really hope you manage to fulfil your dream of a family xxx

Reply

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Cheshirekit. I just wanted to say I know how hard it is when when you are in a different headspace from your partner. We found recently that a counselling session helped but I don’t want to sound like I’m offering solutions as we are all different. Xxx

1 like
Reply

Thanks lovely. I’ve suggested counselling but he really hates talking to other people about how he feels so unfortunately it’s a no go. I however have got an appointment tomorrow just for me as I think it will help for me to face into what’s happened by talking about it xxx

Reply

Hope your appointment went well today. Xxx

1 like
Reply

It did thank you for asking. It was good just to talk to someone removed from the situation and I’m going to talk to friends for support too as I know it will help to keep talking about it. Hope you’re ok? Xxx

1 like
Reply

That’s good, yes - I find it hard to open up to friends but should probably try to more too. I’m no further on - we’re thinking final round with own eggs in July maybe but I’ve also booked an apt to discuss donor eggs at our clinic. Apparently there’s a six month waiting list for starting treatment which seems long. X

Reply

hey hon as you know sadly I am in a similar situation 😢I just had surgical management for our miscarriage yesterday and have woken feeling, empty, drained and kind of list tbh..I think I have no tears left for now. we are lucky in that we have one frostie left which I can't see us not using given all I went thru to get it...we are private treatment now too so costs are rising all the time..I have made an appointment with our consultant for next week. ..maybe a bit soon but I just wanted to see a medical professional who knew us and seemed to really care..in some way I hope I find our appointment comforting. I am aware we will likely get no answers but will ask why as we saw and heard our baby well at 9 weeks 4 days..the pain and worry of this happening again is immense but sadly we don't have time on our hands. it is so so important for your relationship that you keep talking...my dh is quieter than me and not always open with his feelings but professionals and me telling him the importance of communication really helps. we both attended counselling and found it really helped..I wish there were more men on here and I don't want to force anything but am sure my dh would be ok messaging him if that would help at all...Tugsgirl sent me a lovely picture last night for men..I can try to message you it if you want. we are also looking at booking a holiday this week as I need something to focus on...I ordered one of those interest free credit cards for 30 odd months..sod it..I am sending you so much love and hugs right now and am here sadly going through the same if you ever want to chat xxxx

2 likes
Reply

I’ve PM’d you xxx

Reply

Aw Vic just wanted to send you and cheshirekit both a big gentle hug. Xxxxx

1 like
Reply

Thank you lovely xxx

Reply

You may also like...