Endlessly waiting...

[Bistbee]

Hi all

Just checking in as I haven’t posted for a while. Feeling very frustrated at the moment as waiting for AF to arrive so I can schedule our baseline scan for our upcoming FET, currently 5 days late and no sign of it turning up soon as have none of my usual PMT symptoms, just feeling horrendous anxiety, tiredness and general irritability so not sure whether that’s down to timings not going to plan on the buserelin nasal spray I’ve been on for 11 days now - just so fed up of this waiting dragging on and on, feeling like we’re not getting any closer to actually making something happen 😔

Also, as of today, 3 of my closest friends and the people I would ordinarily turn to when I’m feel down, are now pregnant - all of whom have fallen pregnant easily in the time we’ve had our 2 failed cycles. Just feeling so stuck and left behind and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It feels so unfair that everyone around me seems to get their happy ending and we’re still stuck in a rut not getting any further along...

So yeh just feeling really really down and lonely right now. This process is painful and so hard in so many ways. Shout out to all my fellow warriors because you guys just get it when no one else does 💛

[kitscat]

I know exactly how you feel. The vast majority of my friends have kids or are pregnant. It’s so bittersweet. The fact that it is mostly out of our control is so hard. I try to cope my not seeing my friends in big groups as at least it’s not all baby chat then. I am also trying to be kind to myself-eating well, doing some exercise and treating myself to massages etc. This is not our fault. Everyday is hard but you are doing really well. Just take it a day at a time. Wishing you lots of luck xx

[Bistbee in reply to kitscat]

Thank you so much, every day really does feel like a struggle, some days of course are much better than others and I know I’m lucky to have other nice things in life but ivf is just so all consuming and so unbelievably lonely so it really helps to know everyone else going through this feels the same x

[Solly-44]

I could have written this!

I’m so bloody fed up with it all. I waited ages recently to start my FET, which got cancelled before it even began, so more waiting. And of course my best friend announced that she’s pregnant this week. I’m so happy for her, but yes the feeling of being left behind really kicks in.

Like everyone, I’ve tried to stay positive throughout but this week has broken me a bit. 🤞🤞🤞AF arrived soon so you can crack on xx

[kitscat in reply to Solly-44]

Yes I feel like I’m being left behind. I know that all of my pregnant friends have a separate WhatsApp group so I feel like just because I’m not pregnant I’m not part of the group anymore. I suppose they want to talk about baby stuff away from me and my other few non pregnant friends. But it hurts. Xx

Why did your FET get cancelled? Fingers crossed you can start again soon xxx

[Bistbee in reply to kitscat]

Man that’s tough, I would feel so left out but also do get really fed up when it’s just baby chat on our whatsapp groups and i literally have nothing to add so just stay quite, and then it just looks like i’m being moody and not joining in 🙈

This feeling of being stuck in a rut and left behind your peers is just awful. I’ve never experienced anything like it and try and remind myself that we’re all on different paths and not to compare but in reality it’s sooooo hard because I just feel this complete sense of injustice over why it’s so hard for us yet relatively easy for others. It makes me very bitter, resentful and jealous, and then guilty for having those feelings towards my best friends. I hate that ivf is turning me into a person I don’t recognise and worry i’m going to end up stuck like this forever....😔

[kitscat in reply to Bistbee]

Gosh I could have written this! I feel exactly the same- worried I’ll be stuck in a rut and left behind. I worry that infertility is going to leave me bitter forever too. I find that I overcompensate with niceness 🤭 xx

[Solly-44 in reply to kitscat]

Yeah that is so tough. I guess people are trying to be thoughtful but then it can hurt in the opposite way too!

I just have a cyst so nothing to worry about but sooo frustrating. Are you starting your cycle next month? Xx

[Bistbee in reply to Solly-44]

Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry your FET got cancelled, I also had a cyst at my baseline scan last cycle but luckily it was just under the hormone threshold when they tested so they allowed us to proceed. I am really worried it will happen again and we won’t be so lucky this time around. Having cramps this morning so I’m hoping that is a good sign for AF 🤞🏻

I also feel totally broken at the moment, aside from being the only one in my core friendship/support group now not pregnant (what are the fucking odds 🤦🏻‍♀️), I am really struggling to get into any kind of positive mindset for this transfer, sleeping terribly (maybe meds related?) which is having such a knock on effect on my energy levels and willpower to do any exercise or eat healthily. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much but worry that if this embryo doesn’t stick I am really going to blame myself for not putting myself in the best headspace possible...although the rational part of my brain knows it will make fuck all difference whether i’m positive or not 🙈 such a mess!

It’s almost like I just want to get this transfer over and done with so we don’t look back and think ‘what if’ but then can just get on with another fresh round with the changes that our clinic have suggested to help our chances. Just want to hide away until the end of this year and then pretend it never happened!

It’s so hard to keep picking yourself back up when you feel at rock bottom. I hope you have a good support network you can turn too xxx

[Solly-44 in reply to Bistbee]

Ah I’m sorry you’re feeling so down love, and that is a rough situation to be in ☹️.

I read everything I could find about stress and IVF when I had my first cycle, because I’d had such an awful run up to it that I thought it would never work. I found loads of studies that said stress has way less of an impact on success rates than we previous thought. Doesn’t make it feel any easier in the meantime though.

Roll on that period! 😫🙏 xx

[Skippy1982]

Hey bisbee hope the period turns up ASAP! I think our bodies know when we are waiting to start as every time I’m waiting to make the call my period is weird and spots and shows up late!! Each time it does I get fooled into thinking it’s happened naturally but it never does!! The pregnancy announcements from best friends are never easy🙄. I feel your pain there. I was the first one in my group to want children and sometimes feel like I’ll be the last to have them!! Hard for others to understand how we feel when they’ve not struggled to conceive. Does make the whole process so hard and I’ve felt all the feelings you describe above at one point or another. Don’t be so hard on yourself,it’s natural and normal to feel as you do. Treat yourself to something nice or have a bit of you pamper time or with partner. Big hugs you won’t feel like this forever xxx