Panic attacks 💔

Dear all,

I am really struggling. I went to the hospital again and it’s full of pregnant women.

The couple opposite me were kissing and clutching their first baby scan.

I literally broke down - couldn’t breathe, nausea.

Some days are better than others, but I feel so alone.

My fiancé works abroad, so we have a weekend relationship. I am the one constantly pushing this - organising the appointments, finding donors, buying supplements.

He needs to have a vain removed in his testes and he went to the hospital about a bruised knuckle and didn’t even ask about the vain removal!

If I am doing this alone, then why not just be alone?

It is causing huge heartbreak and stress in our relationship.

I am seeing a counsellor and doing everything I can - but I feel like I am at breaking point.

💔

[Tiddly1984]

Hi Anna,

I’m really sorry that things are so difficult for you at the moment. Wanting a baby is one of the most natural things in the world and it can be really difficult when it doesn’t come so naturally. The reality is also made so much harder when we’re faced with seeing other people with the thing we want most when it eludes us. The great thing is that reality is ever changing!

I’m also really sorry to hear about your panic attack. They are nasty things and are usually a physical response to what is primarily an emotional issue (fear/anxiety related). It sounds to me like you’ve been through so much and are coping with so much too. Seems that you feel that you’re in a place where you’re not sure how to keep going in the way that you are and whilst you’re seeing a counsellor what I get from you is that what u really need is the support of your partner, to not always feel as though you have to be in control and for life to just cut you a bit of a break.

You really have done so well to get this far and I hope you can give yourself a pat on the back in the realisation that it took strength, determination and persistence to get where you are in this journey today. Every step you have taken has gotten you closer to your goal and nothing you’re doing is in vain, but slow down now if you need to.

I understand how tiring and lonely a journey like this can be and it’s a shame that your partner can’t be with you more often to support you. Is that something that is likely to change in the near future? If not perhaps you’ll need to accept that if you wish to pursue IVF at this moment in time then he can’t be as big a part of this process as you and he would like him to be. I know that’s not ideal but there are other women go through IVF alone when using sperm donors and so perhaps one of those groups would be of support to you. I suggest this not because your situation is the same and I don’t want to dismiss your fiancé, but maybe what you’re feeling right now is similar to someone who feels that they are going through this alone and so you may identify with them on a level that leads to you feeling supported and empowered. Men, whilst lovely creatures, can be clueless and I think there are many women who have to drive and spoon feed them through this IVF process.

Even if your fiancé isn’t with you physically he needs to be able to support you emotionally because then everything else whilst still demanding won’t feel as hard. Maybe have a discussion with your fiancé and be open about needing more from him and needing things to change for you both to succeed in this relationship and through this IVF process. However be mindful that he may feel pressures of his own and he may also feel anxious about having the vein removed (sensitive area) and also about this IVF process so communicate and perhaps invite him to one of your counselling sessions if that’s an option. Could you give your fiancé a deadline to enquire about having the vein removed so that he makes it a priority.

In the meantime keep sharing your feelings with your counsellor as it will help.

You sound so strong and capable and you’re entitled to be vulnerable, but you’ve got this! Wishing you so much hope and the things of your heart.

All the best....x

[Hidden in reply to Tiddly1984]

I am so sorry for the late response - I have been recovering from that awful weekend.

I just want to say a heartfelt thanks for your thoughtful message. It really helped me.

I so appreciate the time you took to write it.

Thank you much xxxxx

[Tiddly1984 in reply to Hidden]

You’re very welcome. Glad it helped...x

[Noodleone]

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I had a similar experience a couple of months ago while my partner was working abroad and I felt like I was the only one going through the process.

I felt so alone and like he wasn’t with me at all even though the platitudes were there. In the end I ended up writing him a really heartfelt and honest email about how I was feeling and what I needed. I was careful to not use any negative language or focus on what I wasn’t getting. It really worked to get us talking about things properly and everything has been better since. The writing helped because I was getting so emotional every time we spoke and this allowed me to strip the emotion out, reread it several times and feel sure I had said what I needed to say.

This is a super tough journey, be kind to yourself and good luck with it all x

[Hidden in reply to Noodleone]

Thank you so much for the advice, which I have taken and done myself.

Thank you, I really appreciate it ❤️❤️

[MJ44]

Hi Anna,

We messaged yesterday about using a sperm donor. Please remember that lots of people consciously decide to go through this alone. If it feels like you are dragging dead weight around now with your SO, when bb comes, the last thing you need is to be parenting a newborn and an adult man. I agree with the advice below, laying all your feelings out in a clear, concise communication is a great idea prior to making any decisions. In my case, some of the things you’ve mentioned feel very similar to my experience, but by the time I realized it I was too far down the road, and too insecure about being a single parent, so I ignored all the red flags far too long. Please just know, doing this on your own is a completely valid option, especially if you have good supports in place. I’m sorry you’re going through all of it ❤️

[Hidden in reply to MJ44]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it and completely agree with you!

Thank you again xxxxx

[CLDxxx]

Hey Anna, hope you’re feeling ok. There’s nothing worse than being with someone yet feeling more alone than ever. This group is the loveliest and most understanding and all the replies here should help you.

I am actually doing this alone from choice so if you fancy a chat please message me xxx

[Hidden in reply to CLDxxx]

Thank you so much ❤️

I will message you now xx