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Fertility Network UK
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Looking for support

I feel very ashamed to write this. Lately I have felt very alone and I really need to feel that someone supports me.

I am 31 years old. I've been married for 3 years with a good man. We started TTC two years ago. After seven months we went to the doctor and he found that I have cysts in the uterus and a blocked fallopian tube. I was on treatment and now I am about to start IVF for the first time.

But I do not feel well.

I feel self-esteem on the floor. I'm excited to start the IVF, but at the same time I'm upset. I feel like I should not be doing that. I'm a woman, I'm supposed to have babies. My marriage is not the same as before. We had many plans and because of me they no longer serve.

My friends ALL have kids. They tell me that in time I will have a baby, BUT I DO NOT HAVE. I do not want to wait. I do not want to go through the IVF. I feel very, very bad.

Also, two years ago I realized that my husband was cheating on me. It's a mess, I know. It was something small and we got over it. Now I suspect he is doing it again. I can not help but think it's my fault. He has always wanted a baby, he has supported me in everything, but I suppose everything has a limit. Even so, he was the one of the IVF idea.

I want a baby. It's just that, God, it's all very overwhelming. I never thought I'd go through with this.

I hope someone can understand me.

My name is Vicky, by the way.

18 Replies
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Oh God, this is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

My husband and I have a very good relationship. He has never deceived me, at least as far as I know. With all of the infertility has been very receptive. I'm very sorry that your husband deceived you, and that he may be doing it again. You do not deserve to go through such pressure right now.

At first I felt the same as loss. I still feel that way. But it is a matter of being strong and facing things. Maybe it's better not to think so much.

If you really want that baby, see for him. But I think you should sort things out first with your husband. Also fix yourself.

Go to a therapist, and then talk to the doctor. I found that fertility clinics are good for these cases. They try to make you feel as comfortable as possible. Your baby deserves to have a happy and peaceful mom.

And for God's sake, this is not your fault! It's never our fault. Never. It's difficult to accept at first, but it's the truth. We do not deserve this, but it's what we got. We touched the hard part of the battle. Infertility is a bitch and does not deserve any kind of compassion.

Raise your head and think positive. You are strong and valuable. Somewhere in the future, there is a beautiful baby that is just for you.

I send you a big hug

xxx

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Thank you very much for your comment.

I'm so glad you have such a good relationship with your husband. My husband and I are very close, but with all this IVF and infertility, our relationship has changed a bit. I do not know if I'm being paranoid about him cheating on me again.

I wanted to talk to him, but I did not feel brave enough. There are many things in my head right now. Regardless of my husband, I want to do the IVF. I desperately want a baby. I have visited several clinics and where I am now I feel confident.

I feel like everyone has a baby, except me.

My husband says that he also wants one, and he has accompanied me to all the appointments we have had. My problem with the fallopian tubes is complicated. I do not want to wait any longer to see a result.

Your words have made me feel so much better. This week I will try to arrange an appointment with a therapist. My mother also tells me that none of this is my fault. In the interior I know, but it is not easy.

How long have you been on TTC?

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Hi Vicky. I'm so sorry to hear your story. I'm not married but I am currently going through IVF. All I can say if you do go through this IVF journey it's really tough, emotionally and physically. I think you need a solid base before you start and unfortunately to me I hope I don't offend you it doesn't sound like you have that yet with you husband.

I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn. I wish you all the best you certainly have some decisions to make and I couldn't imagine being in your position x

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Hello, thanks for your comment.

Do not worry, you have not talked too much. I am aware that I am not in a good situation. I know IVF is a very painful process. Both physically and emotionally. That's why I feel bad for having to go that way. I know there are women who have succeeded, but I wish I did not have to go through that. It's something I have in my mind. I guess everyone goes through that.

Regardless of my husband, I want a baby. I want through IVF as fast as possible if that means that I can finally be a mother. I feel like everyone has a baby. My friends, my sisters, my co-workers. All but me. Anyway, I know I have to talk to him for a long time first. I think I'm being paranoid about some things, but talking will be best.

Thank you very much

xx

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Hi Vicky. So sorry to read that you are in such a dark place at the moment. None of us want to have to go through any form of fertility treatment, but sadly lots of us have to. You're on your way now to try for your baby, and I wish you huge success. Just be careful who you spend your time with for now, and maybe confide in a close friend how you are feeling, for some support. Do make sure to take advantage of any counselling that is offered at your clinic, so you can lay all your worries before someone else - it can help enormously. We can't do much about the past, so try and concentrate on now. Oh, and we do have some volunteer counsellors here too, maybe take a look? Thinking of you. Diane

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Hello, Diane. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

My problem is that I have told you how I feel to my closest friends, but I feel that they can not understand me. All of them have children. They advise me about my marriage, but about infertility they know nothing. I have not mentioned the IVF to any of them. Only my mother gives me words of encouragement that really serve me a lot.

Thanks for your good wishes. I also hope this really works for me. I'm desperate for a baby. I'll try to focus on that and forget all the bad things. I'll take a look at the counselors you're talking about. I think I read that my clinic offers talks for patients. I'll take all the help I can get. I really need it.

A hug

xx

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Hi Vicky. You know I wish you well with all of this. It's not an easy road, but the girls here will support you as you go. BIG HUG back. Diane

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Hi Vicky. Just thought of another couple of options for you to ry. I know you will receive loads of support from the others on this site, but it might be an idea to seek some support from other sources too. You can access information about Support Groups in your area by going to our website fertilitynetworkuk.org and click on “How can we help you” – “For those trying to become parents” – support – fertility groups – England – then select the area you are looking for.

Another option re counselling would be to have a look at a charity called the “British Infertility Counselling Association” who can be accessed at bica.net this is not a free service, but they are all specially qualified in counselling people with fertility issues. Hope this helps. Diane

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Hi Vicky, hope you are doing well! First of all, I want to congratulate you with the desire to have a child! This feeling must be strong, as it will be the primary motivation to continue your fertility journey :) Secondly, I advise you to sort out the things in your family. Baby's well-being totally depends on his/her parents relationships and attitude to each other. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to have anything in common with such a man. I would consider him at least undependable. And trust me, such man would not be able to provide you with proper support during this journey. Not even mentioning that I would feel uncomfortable with such traitor 😠 But on the other hand, one of my friends said that preserving should always come first, as I can ruin marriage any time I want. Try to feel what is right for you, as you deserve the best in this world. And thirdly, you should raise your self-esteem. It is very important to be confident, calm and positive about life. Trust me! I've had 5 IVF cycles, all failed, but I still fight to win this battle. All I wanted to say was that you must be strong, and for that you must have lots of emotional power.

Sorry for such a long comment, but it seems that your pain cut me deep... I really hope that you will find all the needed support and inspiration here. Good luck to you!

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Thank you very much for everything you wrote. Infertility has taken everything away from me. Although I know it is not quite true. But that's how I feel. What happened to my husband long ago hurt me, but to think that passing again hurts me even more.

Now what I can think of is my baby. You're right about the baby. He needs to grow in a stable and peaceful environment. My husband is the one who runs all the expenses of our home and who has paid my medical expenses. The clinic that I chose offers good prices that I can pay them with my work. But it is a difficult decision to give up everything else.

I feel like I want to disappear from the world. I have read many comments and stories on this page that give me hope. The IVF is very hard, I have been told by several people. I am very sorry that you have had so many faults, but I am encouraged to see you so positive.

I will try to see the positive and be stronger. Thank you for all your good wishes. It's good to find such nice people in places like these.

A hug

xx

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Hugs to you too! I hope and wish you to overcome all your challenges and stay strong!

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So sorry to hear that. same with me.

I am nearly 30 , married for 6 years now, been trying for a baby since then. I had irregular period, so Everytime i go to gp my doc used to tell me that i didnot had my period due to stress ,weight gain and changed weather. So i took metformin for long period of time . We both me and my husband was so tensed. All of my friends have kids and i always felt the way you are feeling now. So i went to see private doctor and then they found out i was suffering from PCOS. So i had operation and after a year of operation we decided to go for IVF.

I know its a long process but if you cant get pregnant naturally thn i think IVF is the best way , atleast you wont regret in future.

All the best dear , be positive , god is always there to look after. 🙏🙏

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Oh, I feel so identified. My periods were painful and irregular. Every time I had them it was a torment for me. That's why we went to the doctor and he detected my problems. With treatment I improved a lot. But I still do not get what I really want. That's why we went to a clinic to deal with IVF. My husband was the one who mentioned it to me, for a colleague of his work. I have had so much fear and emotions since then. I know this is the best way out, it's just that it scares me to finish worse than I already am. The clinic has very good results with IVF, but my fear is internal. My 21-year-old sister had a baby four months ago. She became a single mother, and my heart ached at the thought that she did not deserve it. She's my sister, I can not think that about her. But I can not help it. Now that I have read such positive comments I feel better. I know nothing is perfect, but I think things can get better.

A greeting and a hug.

xx

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Hi Vicky

Sorry to hear that, things will get better .

You need to look after yourself .

Have you tried to contact a professional consulars . It will make you feel better with yourself.

I am 40 years old and I also had bad feelings about why I am can't have a child without going through all these procedures.

I don't have no one to talk too as I don't want my friends to find out that I am going to have an IVF. So the only person is my partner but he doesn't underage how hard it is for a women to have to go through this.

I started to see a consular and I am feeling much better and more than before I want this to work.

You need to be happy first to give your baby a happy life 😘

I wish I was there to give you a hug and talk .

Ana x

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Hello dear. You're going through something so terrible. You are not alone in this hard process. Here you have the support of many people. Infertility is such a big and frightening problem.

It is normal for you to feel fear and rage. Although many say that it is something that can be overcome. It is not. Because you feel incomplete.

NOT YOUR FAULT, unfortunately are things of destiny. Maybe evidence that we must overcome but who knows.

You may be unhappy with everything. Which is also normal, because of what you've been through.

It is very important that you know what your husband thinks about all this and whether he supports you or not. Since both must support each other.

Try to talk to him and find a solution.

Have you gone to any group therapy?

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hi vicky

no need to feel ashamed. Sometimes its better to write things down and get it all out and clarify what things are getting to you and is there anything you can do about it.

with regard to feelings about ivf its understandable as you feel like it is a reminder of failure and that you are different from others who get a baby without having to go through a massive procedure like that and you feel like its not fair why you why should it be easy for them and not for you and you hate that you feel like that as no one feels jealous for enjoyment and you don't plan it out in malice or anything. You don't hate them personally. You hate the cards you were given as you weren't given the pregnancy cards you had hoped for and you grieve that loss as its so bloody unfair!

perhaps you could take a break and have a think about ivf and what is it that upsets you and why that is but don't be pushed into doing anything you don't want to do.

yes its bloody unfair when everyone else has a child and you don't and it hurts as well.

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Never blame yourself for somebody else's deceit. Sometimes pressure and stress can make us do things that are out of character or out of order. Have you told your husband what you suspect? I would get it out in the open otherwise it will eat you up and then you can both move forward. I really hope things get sorted for you xxx

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At least you are starting your fertility journey relatively young. I was the same age as you when I did too. That's on your side at least.

Sorry to hear your husband is doing what he is. I know that in our relationship the sex changed once it became all about trying to conceive. But I'm sorry you think he's being unfaithful. My partner didn't do that and I can't imagine how that must feel on top of everything else.

All those feelings you express about feeling like a failure are exactly how I felt. You are not at all. Don't ever feel that way because it won't help.

I don't really know what advice to give but are you sure you want a baby with someone you suspect is being unfaithful? 31 is still young and I know the pain but do you want to bring a baby into that?

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