Relationship falling apart following IVF 😢

[NemoFish]

My first cycle resulted in a chemical at the start of July. I had a very strong BFP on my OTD but a lot of bleeding, and it didn’t last. I was crushed. I cried for days and then thought I was over it, but I wasn’t. I thought I would get straight into my next cycle but I couldn’t. I’m terrified of seeing those lines disappear again. It’s put a huge strain on our relationship and I’m so unhappy. My anxiety has gone through the roof and I’ve gone back to all my bad habits.

Basically our situation is not a normal one. He isn’t yet divorced from his ex, who he has two children with (6&9). We have been together for 4yrs, and we rent a house together. However, in that time I have never met his children. They were only told about me back in April, and I’ve never been mentioned since. He only told his ex about me in January of this year. He shares custody with her and on his weekends/ nights he has them, he takes them to his mums house to stay. I have been promised repeatedly it will change, and it never has. He filed for divorce May 2020, which she ignored and then he never followed up.

I though (stupidly) getting pregnant would help fix this mess. When the test came back positive, he made a huge list of everything he had to sort, like getting his money from the house they own and me meeting his kids. We then lost it, and he went straight back to doing nothing about any of it. I’m so hurt that it took a BFP to want to change, and I was so blindsided by IVF that I forgot about the crap he was putting me through.

On Thursday, I ended our relationship. She stalks our house and my friends. She won’t leave us alone. She is determined to get him back and convinced their relationship isn’t over. She is obsessed with keeping up with the Jones’s. They are definitely not romantically involved, that much I know. But I’ve had enough. I’m so desperate to be a mum, I can’t forgive him for disappearing the weekend I lost that pregnancy because he had to look after his kids elsewhere.

My ivf journey has come to a stop now. I’m 35 and I feel broken that I will have to go back to square one. Almost 4 years I’ve been taken for granted and put my life on hold for the sake of his ex and kids who ive never met. I just wanted to heal and move on, but it’s caused a huge rift and it’s beyond fixing now. I still love him but how am I ever supposed to function when I hold so much resentment towards his situation 😭

[Sweethear]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Try not to think about the future of not having a baby right now because no body knows what the future holds you might be surprised that this brake up will bring something good and beautiful to your life just be open for the possibility of something beautiful ahead put yourself together and focus on the beautiful future you dreamed to have it will happen sending you a lot of love please take care of yourself you can do this you are stronger than you think don’t blame yourself for anything please

[Hidden]

I am so sorry to hear this. My first pregnancy I was in an unhealthy relationship, the stess of the relationship impacted on the pregnancy and I lost the baby at 20 weeks. I am doing it solo this time, on my own and feel so much better about the future. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk. 🙂

[Skittles11]

Hi there. I'm so sorry to see what you're going through. IVF and fertility troubles are stressful enough without all all that additional stuff weighing you down. In terms of the chemical pregnancy you had, I think we all hope to pick ourselves up quickly and just carry on but you must allow yourself time to grieve - some people go straight back in to treatment and others need to wait a while and both ways are equally valid.

The stress and hurt you face with the relationship I can see runs quite deep. Unfortunately there are no quick fixes or answers when it comes to matters of the heart. It is such a shame that it seems you're lacking the support you desperately need from your partner and I completely understand that there are other factors like his ex and children that have added to the situation. I would suggest leaning on a friend or family member to chat through all of this. Going through a break up is never easy. Also I wonder if you're accessing any counselling. I find IVF very anxiety provoking and have started counselling whilst going through the process.

Sorry I can't be of more help but you are not alone x

[Bistbee]

I’m so so sorry to read about your situation, it’s sounds beyond hard without the pressure of IVF so to throw an unsuccessful cycle into the mix too is beyond words. You deserve to be with someone who loves and honours you for you, not just when you’re becoming the mother of his child. Focus on finding someone who wants to be with you regardless of whether children come into your life. You must be experiencing so much grief right now with the combination of the end of your relationship and losing your embryo, plus the loss of what you thought your future might be like - give yourself all the time, self-care and compassion to process all of that and you will come through this a stronger, more resilient person who knows what you want from life moving forward and isn’t afraid to set boundaries with people to protect your heart. Keep close to the people who provide you with unconditional support and see truly see you for the strong warrior you are. Wishing you all the best xxx

[Squareark]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through and I pray that your path gets easier, big big e-hug. It must have been so hard to deal with IVF and a partner who can't be 100% there for you when you need him the most, I'm so sorry.

[Bluelady-sing]

You could still meet some one else

[RecipIVF]

Hi there👋🏻,I am so sorry to read what you’re going through. IVF is horrendous enough without all the relationship and past relationship drama.

Please remember you deserve so much bloody better than this!!!

You’re going through a lot but you’re taking steps for a better life. Boundaries and your self worth are important. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck 💕xx

[Babytocome]

My story is similar to yours. 4 years ago I was in a toxic relationship ( which I know now it was) at that time, I had a pain on my left side, and we were trying to conceive, so I was referred by NHS to the fertility clinic for ivf . I did one cycle, and the night before the transfer we argued to the point I was in tears crying. The cycle was negative, me feeling very low for the all situation, one month after I ended up the relationship.

I can’t describe how different it feels now, that I am with someone else, in a constructive supporting relationship.

Ivf journey is not an easy one, and you need to be mentally and emotionally ready for it.

It took me time, some coaching therapy to love myself and understand myself better and it has been the best that could happen to me. I could not give what I didn’t have (love for myself)

Time is not something you should ask, or beg, time is free to give. Be with someone that dies to be next to you on this and deserves your love.

There is a lady that has some group coaching for women in London ( for free, not related to ivf but relationships) I was invited to one of the meetings and it was very eye opening, and from that I follow her on YouTube now.

PM me if I can help any help.

[NewMom1982]

Hey, I’m really sorry for what you are going through. I’ve always been one of those honest friends. So I’ll say this “darling you can do better”. I have wasted too many of my years on a man that made me feel like he wasn’t sure. If this guy really wanted to make it work he would have done all the steps to do so. 4 years is a long time and the relationship still has not evolved very much. I say go through the pain of losing him: the crying; the not wanting to get out of bed things and get him out of your system. The take a girls trip; get yourself together and you will meet future baby daddy. Just freeze your eggs and wait for the right guy. You will look back and ask yourself “what the hell was I thinking” BUT we all been there girl! Keep your head up, someone is dying to make your their wife and not a secret! 😘😘😘

[Lots8788]

I'm so sorry to hear that. From what you've said you deserve so much more. Sending lots of love and hugs. Inbox is open if you want to chat xx