Fertility Network UK
13,556 members22,049 posts

Struggling 💔

Since AF has arrived she’s brought with her all the emotions from when I miscarried last year. I honestly thought I was beginning to cope with them but I feel like I’m right back at the start, struggling to sleep again and my head is always so busy with what ifs.

I spoke to my GP yesterday about getting some counselling and he gave me a number to do a self referral but I’m worried the counsellor won’t ‘get it’. I went to a pregnancy loss group last night run by my local hospital but left feeling worse than when I went. I sat listening to ladies talking about their losses and how now their hospital follow ups were done they were beginning to move on and think about trying again.

I came home and burst into tears, we don’t get to chose if we’ll try next month or in summer and hospital appts will never be over until I’m holding my healthy baby. I feel like I’m stuck in a revolving door, I don’t want to get out cause I’m not ready to give up on our dream but apart from this forum I just feel so alone.

After my first miscarriage I never experienced AF bringing up all these emotions and tbh I’m not sure the best way to cope 😢

42 Replies
oldestnewest

Awww I can feel your sadness in your post! It sounds like the women in the group you attended are at a different stage from you which is probably why you feel so alone. I think you should go ahead and use the counsellor that your GP has given you the number for. Counsellors are not there to understand as such but more to give a sympathetic ear and help support through how you are feeling so that you can work through your difficulties and emotions along with giving you coping mechanisms to work through your loss. I cant for one second imagine what you are going through but I do sympathose with feeling lonely, infertility in itself is a lonely place to be. Dont be so hard on yourself though, I would imagine everything your are feeling is completely normal. Sending massive hugs xx

Reply

Thank you so much, I think your right about a counsellor there to listen and I think that’s what I need someone to vent to. I’ve made the call so hopefully be seen soon. Hope your doing okay xx

1 like
Reply

Good for you, glad to hear that you've made that step. really hope you find it helps! Im good thank you!xx

1 like
Reply

Hey I couldn't read this and not say your not alone.

I know exactly how you feel as I've said in the 21st it will be a year since we lost our baby .

I don't think it ever leaves you I'm as you know completely frozen with fear my clinic is ready the money is in the bank my husband is ready to try again . I'm not but I'm not ready to give up .

Please seek out some therapy for me talking in a group meeting wasn't helpful because everybody is at different stages ,

I'm up one day and floored the next . And that's ok it's ok to be sad it's more than ok to angry .

If you have to post 50 times a day so you don't feel alone that's ok to

Most important be kind to yourself .

Honesty your not alone and there is so many of us exactly where you are . Two miscarriages and failed IVF behind me it looks so bleak but there's always another day always another cycle . This journey is such a rocky road but we all know we are meant to be mother's hold on to that ,

This drive that burns so bright in all of us means we will be mother's and fantastic ones to because our children would of been fought for long before they even arrived in this world .

I hope you feel better soon my thoughts and prayers are with you .

Your stronger than you know

Hugs

Nikki xx

Reply

Thank you so much Nikki, I’ve made the call to the counsellor so hopefully il hear something soon. I thought the group last night would help but I guess miscarrying after natural conception and miscarrying after IVF is different - in some ways I think we grieve twice as we don’t have the choice to just ‘get pregnant’.

I feel exactly like you, the fear of the worst happening again is what makes this journey so hard, I hope your taking your time and are able to start again when you feel ready. I’m glad you got the answer from your clinic about OHSS to xx

1 like
Reply

Bless you Hun I know it's hard . The next round for me will be a few months away after going over all options I still don't feel ready . Like you the grief is still a bit to much .

After talks with the hubby I'm going to do some nice things for me to improve my mood and mind then I'll start maybe march / April .

Sending you support and hugs please inbox me if your feeling low .

Your comments always help me I'll be glad to help you too

Hugs

Nikki xx

Reply

That sounds like a good plan and we deserve to treat ourselves. I’m thinking about starting again around that time to, it’s weird because this is the longest I’ve taken out of treatment but I know it’s been the right decision. I think I used treatment as a focus rather than dealing with the grief from my first miscarriage.

Thank you again, I’m glad my messages help. I know yours and everyone’s is always a massive support to me xx

Reply

That's exactly it I've definitely used treatment and research as a way of blocking pain out . I think I few months rest is almost like ripping the plaster off . I'm just planing fun things and lots of rest ! Hope you are too . I'll cycle buddie with you next round x

Hope you treat yourself and have lots of fun times ahead to build your strength I hope it some comfort to know there's lots of us at this point .my sister in-law is in the exact same place as us too .

I'm sure your see me wobble some days being brave doesn't come in to it anymore and with councilling I've found that's ok .

Take care brave lady I hope the baby dust gets you very soon xx

1 like
Reply

I’m so sorry to hear you are hurting so much. I can relate to your analogy of the revolving door and not wanting to get out just yet. Take the time you need to grieve your loss. Perhaps your husband is right about the support group. One to one counselling might be a better option for you at this time. Be kind to yourself and take good care xx

Reply

Thank you, it’s something I’m definitely looking into now. Hope your doing okay xx

1 like
Reply

Oh Hun I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish I could make it all better for you. I think seeing a counsellor would be good. I saw one a few years ago for a few reasons, I was dubious at first wondering if she would understand but it really helped me. One thing that really helped was the suggestion of writing it all down to get it out instead of keeping it all locked in. Sending you big hugs. Xxxx

Reply

Thank you, I’ve made the call so hoping Il hear something soon. I saw a counsellor a few years back and he was brilliant really helped me think I’m just worried Il speak to someone and it’ll make it worse - if that’s possible?! 🙈

That’s a good idea maybe I should keep like a diary, hope your doing okay xx

Reply

I am so very sorry for all the sadness of this journey. For me, the failed IVF brought back all of my memories of the miscarriage. I think it’s worse because of how much you bleed (sorry for the tmi!) when they make the lining so thick - it’s just awful. I just had another miscarriage, and it just compounds the sadness... I even dream about the miscarriages sometimes, which is so hard. I do find writing helpful and going for walks, sometimes angry walks where I put on my music and just stomp down the street feeling how unfair this all is. I’ve been in one to one therapy, since my first miscarriage. She’s not a fertility counsellor but as someone else said, it’s the space to talk, cry and just process. Infertility feels like it has no end and it’s really good to have the space to just be honest without worrying if my friends are sick of hearing how sad I am all the time (no one has said anything, just my fear sometimes!). I hope you find it helpful as well. I’m so very sorry again for all the sadness xxx

Reply

So sorry for your losses, that’s exactly how I’ve been the last few nights I’m dreaming like I’m right back last year when I miscarried almost like I’m reliving it. I’ve rang the counsellor so hoping Il hear back soon, I spoke to someone after my first miscarriage so I think your all right maybe it’ll give me a place to express everything xx

Reply

I sense so much grief in your post. I am really sorry that you are feeling so down. It is natural for you to feel this way though. Thank you for sharing. Definitely try to arrange a counselling session(s) Counsellors are not "fixers" or "critics" which makes them a neutral source of support. You need to vent out your feelings and their role is to listen! You need to be listened. Walking helps the mind too. Know it helps me at times. Do whatever lifts your mood and makes you feel good about yourself. Treat yourself to something nice-retail therapy, hair /beauty make over, day trip out. Take care. Big hugs. Xo

1 like
Reply

Thank you, I’ve rang the counsellor as your all right it may be a good place to vent and well if it doesn’t work out it’s another thing I’ve tried. I love walking it really helps to clear my head. Am off to get my hair done so hopefully that’ll help xx

Reply

❤️❤️❤️

1 like
Reply

I'm so sorry lovely, i really feel for you and i can't imagine how you must be feeling. Grief is such a difficult complex set of emotions. I do understand about feeling alone though. Out of the three people (outside family) who know about mine and hubbys situation, as understanding as they try to be they too don't really 'get it'. One thing that really got to me and i keep thinking about it; something the consultant said. She said there is a chance that my eggs and hubbys sperm are just not compatable as we have never seen a BFP. This was soul destroying and no one can ever understand unless they have been through it. Is there an option for you to see a counsellor who specialises in fertility? It may be helpful to speak to someone on a one to one basis so you can talk through all those emotions. You're not alone on here. Don't be hard on yourself, you've been so incredibly strong. Mesaage me any time you need a chat. Sending love and BIG hugs xxx

Reply

Thank you as always for your support. So sorry you’ve been told that, I sometimes wonder if that’s what happens naturally with me and my hubby as apart from the IVF, 5 years in and nothing even this month with the trigger injection. I spoke to a fertility counsellor after my 3rd cycle but that was over the phone I feel like I want to see someone Face to face as I’m quite good as hiding feelings. Hope your scan goes well today xx

Reply

Hi lovely, how are you feeling today? I had my first session with our Counsellor on Wesnesday with hubby, it was really helpful and i agree, talking face to face feels so much more personal. We are very private people and good at hiding how we feel as we have to be for work etc but once we got in that room, all our emotions just poured out. Are you able to have some one to one counselling?

Scan went okish... Didn't overstimulate this month but they were concerned about the side effects (odd bleeding and headaches) so may need to change me onto something else, nurse chatting with Consultant and wull let me know once bloods done.

Sending live and BIG hugs. Tjank you for all your support also, means alot xxx

Reply

I’m okay, I spoke to a lady from the charity saying goodbye who I spoke to after my first miscarriage to. She’s concerned i might be suffering from PTSD and has advised me to make a GP appt. I’ve got the counsellor ringing me on Tuesday so il push for 1-1 sessions.

Glad the counselling helped you and your hubby- I think it’s important for the men to go as well. Sorry to hear your having such a rough ride with clomid although it’s a good sign you didn’t overstimulate, maybe changing will help. Always here if you need a chat xx

1 like
Reply

Thanks lovely. I'm so very sorry to hear about how you're feeling at the moment. I think it's a really good idea to see your GP, maybe ask for a double appointment with your doctor so you can have a bit more time to talk things through. You really are so strong with what you have been through.

Yes i found the 1-1 sessions much more helpful. I really couldn't believe how emotional i became, i would never have been that way over the phone. Whilst i feel a bit vulnerable having a stranger see me that way, she made me feel that I am 'normal' and helped me with some coping strategies particularly for work as the environment is very hard for me right now.

I now just need to wait for my bloods to see whether i ovulate and whether my progesterone levels have risen to an 'acceptable' level and if Consultant wants to change me to something else. Always seems to be something doesn't it?!?

Message me any time for a chat and take care xxx

Reply

Ah thank you, that’s a good idea about the double appt.

So glad to hear it helped, I think sometimes you need to just let it out and it can be easier to someone who isn’t emotionally involved.

Sure does, nothing can go straightforward when dealing with our bodies lol let u know how you get on with your results xx

1 like
Reply

Will do and likewise lovely, take care xxx

1 like
Reply

Really sorry to hear your feeling so low. It’s completely understandable and I can’t even begin to imagine how tough this all must be for you.

Really glad to read you’ve contacted a counsellor and I really hope it will help.

Sending love and hugs your way ❤️ Xxx

Reply

Thank you, hope your pregnancy is going well and the sickness has began to ease xx

1 like
Reply

It’s getting better thank you 😘 xxx

1 like
Reply

Thinking of you E_05, hope you get the support you need. Xxx

Reply

Thank you, hope your doing okay? Xx

Reply

Yes thanks, just waiting for natural FET Xx

Reply

So sorry that you’re going through all this. Glad you’ve got in touch with the counsellor and although I know it can’t take away what’s happened, it might really help to have someone listen and let you express how you’re feeling. Take care of yourself xx

1 like
Reply

Aw E_05, I can feel your pain in this post 😢 and sending you such a huge hug!

This forum is amazing for support.

I've had some really hard days in the last few months as all my friends who had suffered miscarriages naturally/ivf now all have their babies whilst I'm still on the rollercoaster and I've been so scared it will never happen for me and hubby. Those are the dark shit days, and then other days I feel much more positive. But beneath all that, as you have said I have felt so alone at times.

I've had CBT therapy a few years ago and that really helped in how I think about negative/hard situations and still try to use that way of thinking now.

It sounds corny, but time does make it easier, it's harder when it becomes multiple losses as you feel that it will never happen, but never lose hope. Sending you a huge hug xx

Reply

Thank you, I think that’s what got me down about the group meeting I’ve made a really good friend (unfortunately through us both losing our babies) but she’s been there when some of my ‘longest’ friends haven’t and now she’s talking about being ready to start again, her pregnancy was an ‘accident’ so I just know it’ll happen for her soon and I guess I’m worried about losing another persons support, seems to happen all to much on this journey.

I might looking into CBT therapy, hope your doing okay xx

Reply

We never know what is going to happen. When we feel sad, all the "what ifs" predict awful situations, but the truth is that It could equally be good, It might be that what we wish so much is just waiting around the corner...

One year ago I was feeling terribly bad, because of many different things. I started speaking to a counsellor, it is easy as I do It from home on Skype. Little but little I started feeling better, inspite things around me being still the same or even worse, It was just coming from inside. I can't say whether positive thinking brings good things, but definitively makes your whole body feel better (and the people around you too).

I think talking to a counsellor helped me a lot, you just need to find one you feel confortable with.

Sending lots if love xxx

Reply

Thank you, I think all my ‘what ifs’ are more around the babies I’ve lost. I should be celebrating my babies 1st birthday this year and expecting another but instead I’m left feeling waiting and deciding whether to start treatment again. I have got in contact with the counsellor so just waiting to hear back now, it helped before so hopefully it will again xx

1 like
Reply

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I felt much the same after my first m/c. Every subsequent arrival of AF felt like I was losing my baby again. It was devastating and exhausting and at the same time felt totally irrational. I don't think my OH really got it either. He couldn't see why the day before my period I would be OK and then when I started bleeding (tmi, sorry) I would literally go into a tailspin and wind up so low it would take me a week to get back to normal. And then before you know it it's all happening again.

I guess I'm trying to say I totally relate, you're definitely not alone in feeling like you haven't 'moved forward', and the physical reminder of AF that you're not pregnant can totally bring back all those awful feelings of pregnancy loss.

Getting the right help can take some time and is different for everyone. It's great that so many woman at your hospital found the group helpful, but just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that nothing will work for you. When you're dealing with depression and anxiety (so very, very common in infertility and m/c circles) one of the symptoms is the hopelessness, and the belief that nothing will work to make you feel better. But that's just the illness talking. You will find what works for you - whether that's counselling, writing, talking or kite-surfing (you never know!).

Sending a big hug your way, and loads of love xxx

Reply

Thank you so much, my hubbys exactly the same he’ll snore away through the night and I lay there thinking how but I guess we deal with things differently. I think because the AF is coupled with trying naturally (and a trigger injection) it may have brought more upset it’s like losing again.

I’m going to try counselling and may be give the groups a miss for a little while at least until I’m feeling a little stronger.

How are you doing? Xx

Reply

Oh I know. I just have to remind myself that everyone reacts to this experience differently - even within this forum you can see the different reaction to things - so I shouldn't expect him to feel the pain in the same way I do. For the most part we are just great - very happy, very secure and lots of laughter. But from time to time it just floors me.

Bless you - I'm doing ok at the moment, thanks for asking. I'm throwing myself into looking for practical solutions and I find research really helps me, so I'm spending a lot of time doing internet searches and reading lots of articles on the subject.

Like all of us, some days are better than others, I just make the most of the good days :-)

Definitely take a step away from the groups; you'll know what's right for you, and I do hope the counselling helps. Have they given you an indication of the waiting list? xxx

Reply

That very true, one thing I always hold onto is how strong it’s made me and my hubby.

I think it helps having a distraction, I really hope you get some answers. We had our results back which showed there was nothing wrong with my placenta and as much as I felt a relief I always felt angry that there’s nothing wrong yet it still happened.

They’ve said they’ll ring me Tuesday for an over the phone assessment as apparently they offer therapy sessions to but I’m going to say I have already tried that in a way xx

Reply

Absolutely - not knowing and having no explanation for it makes it so much harder to take. And you're quite right to stick to your guns when they phone you. Sometimes you just have to dig your heels in until they can offer you a more suitable solution. Good luck, honey, and feel free to msg me any time you need to vent xxx

1 like
Reply

So sorry to read you’re feeling so low!! This really is one of the cruelest journeys!! My heart goes out to you!! ❤️xx

Reply

Unbelievably tough. Sending you love and hugs xx ♥️

Reply

You may also like...