OH not playing ball πŸ˜”

Hi ladies I'm having a bit of a nightmare with OH not taking seriously the part he has to play in this IVF process. We've had a couple of heated discussions when I've asked him to cut down on the beer and cigs to help our chances but he doesn't respond well when he feels he's being told what to do. This feels like last chance saloon for me as I'm an older lady, wanted kids my whole adult life but just hadn't met the right one (and I'm not too sure about that currently). I'm doing everything I can myself to up my chances, I've given up alcohol and caffeine, I'm eating healthily trying not to get too stressed at work and been doing acupuncture and yoga, and I'll shortly be sticking needles in myself every day. I feel like I'm not asking much of him. He went to the pub at 4:30pm yesterday to watch the football and still wasn't home at 2:30am. I've not spoken to him today I'm so angry and hurt with the wag he's behaving. Sorry for the Sunday night rant I just feel so let down and alone in all this πŸ˜₯ xx

21 Replies

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  • I'm sorry you are in this position. I haven't found anything that has tested my relationship more than our infertility. Arguments often came about as a result of me feeling like I was bending over backwards to do everything I could think of to get it to work and feeling like I had to tentatively suggest the smallest changes to OH lifestyle.

    Have you discussed how much you both want this? It's a hard conversation to have if you aren't sure what his answer is. Have you managed to have a real heartfelt talk with him, without it getting heated, about what this means to you and ask him if he can support you? Has your doctor spoken to him about the part he can play? Sometimes they take it better from an outsider! Along those lines I presume he has had his sperm checked and if that was ok and his lifestyle is unchanged then maybe it will be fine!

    I don't know if you are NHS or private but certainly on our NHS attempts we had to take co2 tests to prove we didn't smoke otherwise we would have been denied treatment. We also had to sign to say we wouldn't drink.

    It's certainly not easy going through this process and even worse if you feel alone. But hopefully you can speak about it and manage to get the results you want!

  • I had similar problems....but in the end I found the best way to get through was to genuinely express to him how upset I was and cry. Before starting IVF I basically had to tell him that our relationship would be over unless he would go through it with me, as like you I am older and I couldn't wait anymore. Getting angry and frustrated with him never worked. But if he saw how painful it was to me he didn't want me to be hurt and upset and he did buy into things more. That said, I had to basically give him supplements everyday and watch him take them, lol, and I did take responsibility for ensuring the food we were eating was super healthy. He still went out drinking but at least not immediately (3 days) before the deed was done.

    I think men often feel scared about the prospect of a child and it's really hard for them to deal with these feelings. It's really difficult for us to understand because it all seems so straight forward and clear to us. I guess couples which don't have infertility problems never have these issues coz it just "happens" and the man has to shape up when the baby arrives.

  • I thought i was the only one who fed my husband his pills everynight, Ive even managed to slowly increase the amount he takes without him noticing haha. We're nothing if not determined! x

  • Oh CheshireKit how awful for you! Yes - the OH and I have had arguments- They really do have it easy. He has a son from a previous relationship so at the beginning of our problems he used to say "well it's obviously not me" and his ex is some sort of fertile superhero- She had his son aged 40 and another child with someone else when she was 42!!!

    My OH had one good then one slightly poor sperm sample so that made him take some resposibility.

    It does sound like your OH is being a bit immature with his response- he could be designated driver for his mates and then he couldn't drink. But it is hard to break a habit like that if you keep going with friends who do and keep in the same routine. I think the odd night here and there won't hurt- but I can't give my thoughts on the smoking -other than my OH's family members have passed due to this habit- he stopped smoking overnight before I met him. what about getting him a vaping kit? Then you've taken the first step for him and he can try on his own.

    I think the idea of getting the doc involved and have some statistics to show what a difference it makes as well you can't dispute facts.

    What does he want to be when he's 60? No heirs to pass his possessions on to? No grandchildren? Do all his mates have kids? Perhaps one of them can have a talk to him for you.

    Keep doing all you are doing.

    Lots of love and sending hope andblessings to you xxxxx

  • I agree about having a talk about whether he's totally onboard with this. My husband was supportive but wasn't impressed when I suggested giving up caffeine and drinking (even though it was only the odd beer). Then suddenly it clicked he cut them out.

    I think it is a difficult thing for them to get tjeor heads around as our bodies are the focus and the impact is so obvious when we sit there prodding with needles and with scans and everything else. My husband only told me after our son was here that he was freaking out during ivf and still not 100%he could with the results whether positive or negative.

    I think you need to talk to him cause you need to be as stress free as possible. I hope he listens and that you don't have to feel this way again. X

  • Had similar moans from OH about caffeine & drinking altho eventually he did cut it out but IVF didn't work anyway & the problem is my lack of eggs.now can't get him to discuss what happens next and wonder how much he really wants this! I like u am an older lady and feel so much time pressure on me.as it is our options r probably now limited to donor egg but I need him to really want this to feel comfortable going that route but to get a conversation out of him?!?! No chance!

    I feel your frustration, I really do.i really hope u can talk it out with him x

  • Hey cheshirekit, sorry you are going through this, the other half seems to not get it in my experience! 😞

    Hope you get this sorted, I agree with other comments that some men can't get their heads around it and if it happened naturally they would just crack on with it.

    Thanks for sharing, this is the first time I've seen a post like this on here and it made me feel less alone with the frustration! I feel your pain. I hope it all works out for you and he starts to support you xx

  • Awww this sounds like what you really don't know need at the moment. I agree that having a big heart to heart about how important it is might help if you haven't already. My hub had a few issues with things like not putting his laptop on his lap (the warmth doesn't help the sperm), taking vitamins and cutting down or completely out on alcohol nearer the time. However when I showed him proof that it helps (in books and scientific research in NICE guidelines...yes I actually tracked down the research!!!) He seemed to accept things more. He didn't drink much anyway but agreed not to "binge" drink and to try and avoid lager and have red wine in moderation instead (the best option of the lot). We also agreed certain nights out (as at the time it was leading up to xmas) when he would be drinking e.g. his works night out and with his mates on certain nights) which meant he had that comfort of knowing he wasn't totally not allowed but the rest of the time he didn't drink. We also agreed that he wouldn't get super pissed which sort of stuck to and when I started stims he stopped completely. It's really hard but actually now neither of us are that bothered about a drink anymore. I can really recommend becks blue as a non alcoholic beer if that helps. Good luck lovely, be honest with him and if all else fails show him proof it helps (or get the doc to confirm it)! Xxx

  • Hi, what a weekend you've had! I too would be furious, even if I wasnt on treatment if Im honest. Hopefully the guilt will be settling in nicely with him! My OH likes a beer and I found it really frustrating that he wouldnt cut down or stop even after poor sperm analysis, said it helped to relax him as he was stressed.....great excuse! However when the paperwork came through that said we had to sign to not smoking and drinking (we're NHS), I said that we would get checked (only for smoking but he doesnt know that ;). He didnt smoke anyway but he has now cut out drinking altogether when I started the meds. We're possibly slightly different in the fact that he has seen his sperm analysis wasnt great. I put it to him that if we do it all by the book then we cant have any regrets if we're unsuccessful and if he wasnt playing ball then how guilty would he feel! Dont know what made him think about it but he has just stopped. Although I do hear on a regular basis, can i just have one beer....but he hasnt done that....yet! Good luck, hope you get it sorted out. If your husband is anything like mine he gets over excited going out and seems to lose track of time......massively!x

  • On our first visit to the consultant we both felt "told off" as we'd been honest about our alcohol intake, which was way below government guidelines anyhow. We agreed to cut out alcohol in the lead up and during treatment. I barely drank whilst waiting between cycles and said hubby could have the occasional drink if he was out with friends after he'd done his bit. He was very good about it and I think the consultant telling us that no alcohol should be consumed in the 3 months before conception had a big impact on both of us. Hubby's swimmers weren't good (not many, funny shapes and poor swimmers) and further samples were variable so perhaps it did make a difference? During our first round FIL died and this was related to his alcohol abuse so hubby told people he was off the booze due to this. When he eventually told some of his friends they were very supportive. We had to self fund treatment due to my age and as we were paying thousands it made sense to do anything we could to improve our chances.

    Perhaps try telling him what it's like for you and how you'll be injecting etc and that having a present sober partner would help you during this time plus it'll help his swimmers and they need to be on top form! I got my hubby to prepare the injections so he felt included in that part. Although they only have to provide a sample and that seems very easy (for most) to us they probably be having thoughts about why can't I get her pregnant, what if my swimmers are rubbish, retreat to man cave etc. But they aren't generally very good at expressing this verbally!

    Perhaps try talking calmly when you haven't got eye to eye contact, eg walking, driving, washing up and be factual rather than emotional.

    Good luck!

  • Thanks so much ladies. It really helps to be able to share this stuff with you and to get your advice. I'll try again to talk to him about how important this is to me (and us, I thought) although at the moment we're not speaking at all πŸ˜₯ xxx

  • My OH was good on our 1st go no alcohol for 3 months (& he'd quit smoking a year before). 2nd go he stopped for a week, 3rd go he was drunk the night before the EC day.... the samples he gave reflected this as well.

    Hes currently started social smoking which has tipped me over the edge.

    I'm sort of lucky in that i can prove the damage hes done so hes agreed to stop for 1month before round 4 & hes cut down to once a week for now.

    Ive found guilting, begging, getting upset none of it worked so im focusing on me & I think that is why hes said he'll cut back.

    My advise is if you can get him to take 300mg of ubiquinol daily along with a male fertility supplement then take that as a win for now. A week or 2 before egg collection then ask if he can just go the next 2 weeks without alcohol/smoking. I think the thought of 3months is what does it for mine whereas a few weeks they can rationalise.

    Good luck xx

  • Thanks poochi i'll give anything a go! Xx

  • Hi poochi please could you let me know what brand of ubiquinol you recommend. I'm just having a look online trying to find a trusted brand! Thanks so much xx

  • Hi Cheshirekit, I've used healthspan and justvitamins. I changed as healthspan add vitamin e to theirs & I didn't want to overdose on that. Justvitamins add alpha lipoid acid which is good for fertility as well. Make sure you get Ubiquinol & not co-enzyme q10 (Ubiquinol is stronger & easier for the body to absorb). Good luck xx

  • So to be clear I'm using justvitamins.co.uk, sorry its been a long day :) xx

  • Fab! πŸ‘πŸΌ thanks so much poochi. I'll be online ordering tomorrow πŸ˜ŠπŸ‘ xx

  • Aww Cheshirekit, I hope your feeling better now. Men deal with things so differently to women. My OH was a casual smoker and I had smoked for many years prior to this process. I managed to quit before a few months ago thinking it would show in any blood test and it worried me sick. This is how I also got my OH to stop and cut out his drink. I kept telling him if anything was picked up in the bloods then our cycle would be cancelled. This alone worked for him, more so because he didn't want the wraith from me if it failed and for me to blame him!! Lol! As it turns out he has super sperm levels but I always played that down with him. Think he was more bothered that he had to stay in and watch the england game with me on sat as that was the day of my transfer! He went out sun to watch it. Its a hard process for them, they see us become hormonal, google obsessed emtional dragons of which they need to let off steam too, and especially with it being the euros and having footie lovers for OH can add a bit more pressure. But just concentrate on you, try and forget if he has the odd drink or fag, as long as its not excessive then you'll be fine, its your health that is the biggest contributor in it all. Hope down regging is going ok xx

  • Ah bless you, thanks baby2016 Hope 2ww is going well for you xx

  • My OH doesn't smoke but I totally understand where you are coming from on the drinking side of things! If it is any help, my GP said that even having 2 clear days a week off alcohol is better than nothing and actually we saw an improvement in my OH's sperm quality after doing this for a few months (and only this). It is also his way of relaxing and he is probably stressed about the process too, so perhaps try not to be quite so strict and just ask him to cut down a little.

    I do understand how you feel though, for us ladies, it is much more restrictive and a lot more is expected of us. The other thing is - if you are having ICSI, it is unlikely that they will find NO good sperm out of millions, so there is less pressure on men in this regard anyway.

    Good luck and I hope you find a solution that's kind to you both XXX

  • Please update with how you've gone. Youre amazing. We will all keep trying for this beautiful chance at life. xxx

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