Struggling

[strawberriesandcream]

Hello, I’m new to this group and have joined today.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 1 year now. We got pregnant in January but this ended in miscarriage. Since then I have been going through grief and acceptance as well as trying to maintain hopeful but it doesn’t stop the disappointment each month.

I have limited alcohol and am eating a healthy diet. I was charting my fertility but have stopped for a break as I don’t think it was doing my mental health any good as the level of control as so high. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get through the monthly cycles when you’re confronted with a monthly reminder that you failed again that month? I go through optimism, hope and depression like clockwork dependent on where I am in my cycle. I’m normally a very optimistic and positive person but I’m finding this so hard. Any help appreciated, Thanks x

[Hidden]

Hi there! Welcome. I am really sorry about that you lost a baby and that are struggling! You are in the right place.

It sounds like you are being sensible. Charting is fantastic to establish you ovulate and have regular cycles, but it's not really worth doing it long term I agree.

Well first thing i recommend is challenging that mindset about 'failing' - it is really hard! I battled with this for some months between the 6-18months time period and really struggled with my identity, womanhood failure etc, I had some sharp words from a close friend or two and made myself work on my attitude towards myself. It's helped me enormously. My husband has had chronic health issues so we have had to learn to love our bodies despite what they are doing, and not see ourselves as failures.

Lots of support on here from wonderful people XXX

[strawberriesandcream in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have had exactly the same struggles mentally as what you describe. I’ve worked on being kinder to myself the past month and thought I was on the mend but then when my period has come I’ve gone backwards. My husband had to go through genetic testing 18 months ago (in which we got a brilliant result!) to get us to this point so I think I am blaming myself a lot as I feel he has sacrificed a lot in what he went through.

I hope you’re at a positive point in your journey xx

[Dream76]

Reading “It starts with an egg” book might give you some good info.

[strawberriesandcream in reply to Dream76]

Thanks for the suggestion, will take a look xx

[Lots8788]

Hiya and welcome. So sorry to hear about your loss. I agree that charting long term can have more of a negative impact mentally, or that's what I found too. Have you been to the GP yet about anything e.g. fertility related or for support with the loss? I agree with everything Laura said and that changing the mindset about failing is a good idea and one I also had to think about. now I try and think of it as another month to sort out money, spend time with hubby, and it means the next go at trying again isn't too far away, though some months harder than others. We're all here to support you. Sorry you're feeling so low but things will change. Here if you ever want to chat x x

[strawberriesandcream in reply to Lots8788]

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it. I went to the GP last Friday and they have taken bloods at day 24 of my cycle to look into things. Just waiting on results. She was very black and white to be honest as she just sees that I conceived in jan and says it hasn’t been long enough but that doesn’t stop me feeling how I do.

The ideas about seeing a positive in having more time may help me actually, I hadn’t thought about there being any benefit to that but there is I suppose.

I hope you’re at a positive point in your journey xx

[Lots8788 in reply to strawberriesandcream]

Ah good luck with your results hun. What are they testing? Ah no of course not. And if you feel like she hasn't been supportive enough then maybe try and see someone else next time?Maybe she was having a bad day unless she's always like that? Please don't think it's a reflection on how you should or shouldn't feel.

When I had a time when I felt particularly low, I sought help through my works employee assistance programme and it really helped. Is there anything like that you could use? I had some face to face sessions and just talked through everything, the lady I saw was brilliant.

I do think that changing how I thought about things and trying to be positive really helped. I know it's hard and sometimes you just feel drained always trying to "be positive" when it's not coming naturally at the moment but, like you,I'm usually a positive person yet got stuck in a rut where I just felt so bad about things and thought it would never happen (it still hasnt yet but i have everything crossed it will soon), couldn't stop crying and ended up taking a few days off work. But please believe me that you will feel differently, it'll just take time. A few things that helped me were getting a grateful journal and writing in that about anything and everything I'm grateful for that day. it can be small things. I don't write in it every day-just whenever I fancy it or feel a bit pissed off or low. Taking more time out for self care. Spending time with hubby doing nice things and spending time by myself doing things I enjoy. trying to take it easy on the work front as much as is possible (I used to work really long hours but have cut back dramatically). Sure you're thinking about these things already but they helped get me through.

Ah thanks, we've just started our first ivf cycle.

Big hugs xx