Struggling

[M_V_B]

Just here for some support as I'm feeling very low. I had my 5th chemical pregnancy just over 2 weeks ago. I thought I was doing ok but over the last day or 2 I have been really down. Worse than I was straight after I lost my baby. Im going for some tests on Tuesday to find out why I keep losing them so fingers crossed they'll find something fixable. I'm scared it will be like my fertility problems and just come back as 'unexplained'. I know that life is far from fair but I'm can't help but feel like infertility is hard enough without having recurent miscarriages as well. I guess hoping for life to be fair is just another way to end up disappointed.

My boss at work just had a miscarriage and I should feel sorry for her but I'm just angry. She already has an adorable little girl and I know in a few months she'll be pregnant again and I'll have to watch her pregnancy progress whilst I'll probably still be here desperately trying to get pregnant then desperately trying to keep it. I hate myself for being angry when I know how much she is suffering but I just can't help it. I'm almost ready to give up on the whole thing and I could really use some strength to help get me back on my feet.

[wendazzler]

You will be angry it is a stage of grief and your grieving never down yourself for being human sweetheart you must be in a lot of pain and turmoil your not nasty and you should not hate yourself or your feelings as they are outwith your control and perfectly human and natural, Don't be so hard on yourself unborn babies are angels who kept their wings and flew back up to heaven but they are still your Angel babies and always will be of course your a wreck of course your angry of course you want to break but you won't because you have done this before and it won't get easier but you will get stronger again as you have in the past and guess what honey all of this is normal if you need a break you take one the clocks ticking it is not broken so recharge the batteries and fight another day chick Good Luck and I am very sorry for your losses xx

[M_V_B in reply to wendazzler]

Thank you for this. I just have to hold on until I feel stronger. X

[wendazzler in reply to M_V_B]

Your welcome stay strong xx

[Hollibob]

I remember when we were trying to conceive and nothing was happening, one of my friends kept having miscarriages and I said I don’t know what is worse...not being able to get pregnant or losing them all the time?

Now having experienced both, with no suggestion or reason why, I still don’t know. There must be something in the body that connects both of these outcomes, yet no one can work it out!

Sometimes I just think part of me is now numb to it all, but will never give up the hope that one day we will have our dream...x

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

Fingers crossed for you. It must always be heart breaking to lose a pregnancy, but I can’t help but think it must be worse when you have been through so much to become pregnant in the first place. Worse when you have wanted the baby for so long. I just have to try to remember that grief isn’t quantitative. Grief is grief, no matter the cause. X

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

And it gets us just when we don’t expect it sometimes!!

With having more tests, I know that I felt like I was doing something more instead of just “wasting” time having a break from ivf and picking up the pieces from a miscarriage.

It’s never easy my lovely...life is just cruel

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

I do feel positive about having the tests but I’m also anxious about the outcome after years of unsuccessful tests trying to find out why I can’t get pregnant. At first I was happy that they didn’t find anything that meant that I’d never get pregnant. I comforted myself with the thought that because it was unexplained it wasn’t a definite ‘no’. However as the years go by and the effect of treatment and grief affect my life more and more I sometimes feel that a definite ‘no’ would have been the kinder option. Allowed me to grieve and move on. Of course I’d rather go through all this and come out with a baby rather than not have one. But as time gets on there is the growing realisation that I might go through all this and still not have a baby, and that’s a pretty hard pill to swallow. X

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

I know...it’s not easy. It’s that one glimmer of hope that we hang on to.

I know some ladies who have been told that they will never get pregnant and they did naturally, so there is never a totally shut door.

I’d rather have a reason so that we could know and try to understand the why and try to do something to help.

After our last round, our consultant suggested either getting another clinics opinion or trying a egg donor. He also added obviously with having miscarried before, there is nothing to say that it wouldn’t happen again with donor eggs...kick us whilst we are already down why don’t you!!

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

Don't feel like you have to talk about it if you don't want to but if you can what have you been tested for? My clinic divided the tests up into lvl 1-4 tests and I've been put in for lvl 1 and 2 immediately (at a cost of £3701). They're testing for a load of genetic abnormalities, blood and immune issues. I'd have to get the list to remember them all. I know I'm having 16 blood tests on Tuesday.

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

Gosh, why are the tests so expensive? Did you get the list of what they are going to do?

After the last ivf miscarriage, we went to our GP and said that we wanted to be referred to a recurrent miscarriage clinic. They were supportive and got the referral in progress. We did some research and found a consultant we wanted to try and see and asked reception to pass the information on. I’m not sure how or why, but we ended up with appointments with two different consultants. We decided to see both as we were desperate for answers.

One consultant looked at blood natural killer cells amongst others and the other consultant repeated a lot of the same ones, but also agreed to carry out Cytogenetic/Karyotype bloods tests for us both.

Everything came back as normal. It was 12 or 13 viles for the general tests.

There were a couple of tests that the ivf clinic had on a list that weren’t cover at the RM clinics, so we spoke with the GP and they did them.

I had to have a Hycosy repeated and also the ivf clinic had suggested a hysteroscopy which the RM agreed to set up and again, all normal.

I can’t get to all my paperwork at the moment, but I have got the clinic print out if you want me to send it to you?

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

Because mine have all been chemical pregnancies the gp said they could refer me but it was likely the recurrent miscarriage please would not accept the referral. Even if they did they said it could take over a year before I had all the tests done. It is expensive but with my AMH going down rapidly I can’t afford to wait a year so the credit card is taking a battering.

[M_V_B in reply to M_V_B]

Also the gp was worse than useless. She was very dismissive and had no sympathy at all. I left the surgery in such a state I’m almost scared to go back.

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

But a chemical pregnancy is still classed as an early miscarriage, so it would have been good for your gp to start the referral to get some tests done, even if not all of them to save you some money...

Have you contacted Tommy’s to get some advice from them?

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

That's not what my gp told me she said that chemical pregnancies didn't count as miscarriages. As I said, I left very upset because they kept saying that they wouldn't test until I had 3 miscarriages. Then they said because they were too early they didn't count. After the 5th one I went back to try to get help again and she was still very dismissive. I've never heard of Tommy's. What is it?

[M_V_B in reply to M_V_B]

If I'm honest my experience with fertility and the NHS has been appalling from start to finish. I used to think that even though their patient skill were totally lacking it was ok because at least their treatment protocol seemed professional and I was prepared to put up with almost any amount of harsh people to be able to conceive but since going private I've discovered many things they've missed (including the fact that I'm not ovulating, which you would think would be a pretty basic one!). I think I rather pay than face dealing with the NHS again. I've even invested in private health insurance after my experience as don't feel like I would be able to trust them with any treatments in the future.

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

Tommys is a charity that is trying to change what women have to go through with miscarriages etc...they believe that things should be changed to two and they carry out research trials.

tommys.org/pregnancy-inform...

I don’t agree with your gp to be honest as a chemical pregnancy has been a positive test and is an early miscarriage.

It sounds like they could do with some reminders on how people are feeling at times like that!

This is from the Miscarriage Association website:

Testing after recurrent miscarriage- If you have had three miscarriages in a row, you should be offered tests to try to find the cause.

Testing is not usually offered after one or two early miscarriages (up to 14 weeks) because these are often due to chance. But you might be offered tests after two early miscarriages if you are in your late 30s or 40s or if it has taken you a long time to conceive.

I can understand why you don’t want to wait, but it really annoys me that people aren’t treated the same!! X

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

It really annoys me as well. I don’t agree with her either but she controls my access to NHS treatment. The male doctor at my practise is even worse. He delayed my referral to the infertility clinic because he ‘didn’t think it was needed’ even though I told him I’d been trying to conceive for 18 months. My gp said that before 5 weeks they don’t count as a miscarriage, ‘just’ a chemical pregnancy and basically said that a referral was a waste of time. They obviously know my history in regards to fertility so I just felt like I’d reached the end of the road with them.

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

They both sound awful!!

How did today go?

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

Today went really well (apart from the price tag). The private clinic has been really supportive. I can’t speak for their medical record but their attitude is a world away form my gp and the NHS clinic I was sent to. My doctor today was appalled but not surprised by the response of my GP. He said he’d heard it before.

[Hollibob in reply to M_V_B]

Glad it went well and they were supportive...shame that they don’t say they will write you a letter advising the gp to refer you or do some tests.

What was his view on if you should have been referred?

[M_V_B in reply to Hollibob]

He said he thought I should have been referred. It makes such a difference to have support.

[Autumn2017]

I know that sometimes I feel shocked at the horrible and hateful feelings I have towards women who don’t have the same chronic fertility problems I have had. I’ve had therapy which has taught me that the best thing is to be honest about it (with myself- not pregnant women!) Otherwise the anger just gets turned in myself and I feel hopeless and self destructive. Stay angry if that’s what you are!

[M_V_B in reply to Autumn2017]

I understand what you mean. The part I’m struggling with most is my feelings towards other pregnant women. I don’t like feeling like a bad person. I thought I’d always dealt with it quite well, then when I got this positive result I had an epiphany. I experienced relief at realising I wouldn’t have to lie to myself anymore. Seeing pregnant women or mothers could stop being a source of pain. This was the first time I admitted to myself how bad I had felt towards them. Now I can’t ‘unknow’ that that is how I feel. Im not sure why I had this realisation this pregnancy and not any of the others. I guess you’re right and I’ll have to face the truth because it is already turning in on me.

[Autumn2017]

I haven’t got any further on than that though so I can’t say whether it will shift or change. You’re not alone though! X