Struggling

[Snoopyy]

Hi all this will be a bit long winded im so sorry but i need so advice i cant find much out there for partners so i hope this is ok..(we are in a same sex relationship been together 7 years my partner suffers with pcso and endometriosis depression and anxiety) myself and partner are going through the pocess my partner is on the long protocol just started the 2nd injections yesterday! The problem is my partner suffers with anxiety and depression she stopped her anti depressants over 10 months ago without telling anyone as she thought she could not use her citalpram while going through treatment so decided to take herself off them and without weening too!! During this time we lost her nan who was like a mum to her! my partner did not start to grieve until 5 months down the line right at the time we were due to start treatment (after her period) she became really depressed and angry turned into someone we do not recognise she pushed everyone close to her away and with all of the tablets and injections her hormones are everywhere she is like a bull in a china shop and can be so very hurtful, at points she told me its over with us, and she has given up on life she is so up and down its so hard to know what to do! Before all of this everything was fine and we both were looking forward to the ifv mpre than ever! All her life she has longed to be a mum its all she ever spoke about and the excitement was unbelievable for her and us as a couple. We were told if we want children we would need to start within a year as her ovaries will not hold out much longer so sadly we were put on a time limit. We are due for egg collection within 7 days! I just dont know how to help she is just shutting everyone out and saying one min she is leaving to be on her own, then she does not want to live, she wants the ivf to work but so scared it wont and she is such a stubbon woman she will not ask for help as she worries about being judged in the wrong way.

Im will not give up on her and have always promised her i wouldn't i do all i can to help her and the little things like running hot baths head rubs back rubs neck rubs to help destress her, do all the house work shopping pay the bills take care of the dogs we also foster my neice and nephew who are not easy children but have come along way since we first took them on 2.5 years ago i do all that is needed for them to take any and all pressure away from her, luckly my partners brother lives with us now (they are like twins so close but she has even been different with him) he is a god send he walks the dogs 3 times a day does the downstairs house work everyday feeds the dogs and will take Care of the children if and when needed for me. Myself and my partners brother believe that my partner has had a breakdown she has agreed but wont seek help as she worries they will take the ivf away she would rather run away from her life and lose everything than face it! She crys alot and says she can help the way she is she feels gulity and said if she removes herself from us she cant hurt or upset anyone.. im at such a loss any advice would help. And to know im not alone would help. Ive read on ifv site on fb that alot of women suffer badly.

[NCS88]

So sorry to hear this and I cannot offer any advice apart from keep supporting and showing love for her. It is a tough time for anyone I imagine. And know that this won’t last forever ❤️

[Snoopyy in reply to NCS88]

Thank you

[Niki_B]

Hey hun, sorry you are both going through such a rough time with all this. I myself suffer from depression and more so anxiety. I've been through 2 cycles now, and the 2nd one I was an absolute mess! The hormones in those injections threw my anxiety through the roof and I swear I thought the world was going to end..no joke. I live in New Zealand and have an extreme fear/phobia of earthquakes after I was in a big one 2 years ago, and I swore up and down that the BIG one was coming I fully in my head believed it and I could not sleep or anything it was absolutely horrible. When I stopped injections was only then I realised that it was the meds making me so crazy!! Also, it sounds like she should definately be on her meds. Sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks I myself am about to have a frozen transfer and I am on a low dose of depression/anxiety meds. I have to be as I simply could not function without them. Stress and depression can have a far more impact on a pregnancy than medication sometimes and my clinic actually said no, we prefer you to be on them as this whole IVF process is hard enough. I dont know what else to say I guess just try and talk to her and let her know these hormones/meds are making her worse and just have to hope once she stops them she feels better. And I know she wants to not be on medication for her illness but there are probably millions of women who are on medications who have delivered healthy babies. And it sounds like she needs them. Maybe just have a chat to your doctor and her about it, maybe if she hears from a doctor that it is ok to be on certain meds she may listen and change her mind.

Anyways I hope things get better for you both and if you ever need to chat just send me a private message on here. Wish you all the best xxx

[Snoopyy in reply to Niki_B]

Thank you its just so very hard watching someone you love self distruct. I hace spoke with my Gp he has said sertraline is a good anti depressants too take while going through this as its a safe option. But she just wont go and ask for help 🙄

[Niki_B in reply to Snoopyy]

Oh that's a shame...I actually was on sertraline for about 6 weeks it was the best anti depressant I've ever tried! But unfortunately it gave me the 💩 lol so I had to stop. Well I guess all you can do is be there for her...but yes it must be hard for you 😞 xxx

[Snoopyy in reply to Niki_B]

Good luck to you too and stay out of them quakes lol .. hormones are funny things mean are so lucky. X

[Niki_B in reply to Snoopyy]

Oh gosh I wish I'm actually taking prognyova right now for my FET and it's got me thinking crazy things again just not as bad as on stims 😫🙃 ah well just gotta deal with it 🙃 and yes men are lucky! xxx

[Snoopyy in reply to Niki_B]

What did the stims do to you x

[Snoopyy in reply to Snoopyy]

Mean lol u know i meant men bloody fat thumbs x

[Lu1u]

Omg you sound so lovely- I’m sorry your going through this.. it’s so difficult being in a relationship with mental illness and navigating thru it (I’ve been there!). I wish my partner wd give me back rubs and do the bloody housework!! Seriously tho- I defo think you shd both let the clinic or gp know about the issues and get some help/ medical advice.. I know lots of people who were advised to continue taking their antidepressant meds throughout pregnancy and they have lovely healthy children! Also might be worth trying some counselling at your clinic- I went and it was fantastic- talked about all sorts of things and it really helped. And finally if it’s all too much she cd always freeze the eggs and wait a few months before proceeding further! There are solutions! .. sounds like you are doing a fab job with your partner- she’s lucky to have you- but make sure you look after yourself too! Good luck x

[Snoopyy in reply to Lu1u]

Bless you thank you. I just think as a partner its what you should do step up and take care of her while she is suffering i can only imagine how difficult it is for her and what her mind is doing to ger as she is so out of character none of this is her! Im not going to lie though i have no idea where i get my strengh from lol. Its nice to get replies good to know there are good people out there willing to offer advice its kind of lonely on the partners i cant seem to find any support sites for us. Take care and well wishes to you x

[aamiller405]

Hi..im currently having a cycle and my hormones are crazy. My poor partner is getting screamed at and cried at. And I'm being awful but it's like I can't control it. Im normally a very level headed person and don't suffer from anxiety or anything so I can only imagine it's much worse for her.

But you sound amazing, just keep supporting her and doing what you are doing, she might not react like you're helping but I bet you are and she's so thankful to have you.

I guess I just wanted to reasurre you that she's not the only one who seems to have changed due to these hormones and I really hope she'll start feeling more like herself once the hormones have stopped xo

[Snoopyy in reply to aamiller405]

Thank you so much its so good to hear that other people are like it too, its crazy how she is behaving so out of character sadly the worst has happened she walked out and left me this evening after saying she is not in love with me, she said she does not even love herself and has no feelings for anyone or anything around her! She is just so full of rage and nastiness at the moment she does not say or see anything positive its like demons have taken over and she ca not control it. Im so lost i feel like my whole world has crumbled around me. Maybe if she knew the behaviour of others too she would understand its not just her. Its so good to hear that others are going through it too,not that im happy you are i wish you all the luck and love in the world its a difficult process for all around us. Do you mind telling me how all these hormones makes you feel towards your partner? And what was it like before the medication etc? Xx

[aamiller405 in reply to Snoopyy]

Oh I'm so sorry! I'm finding it so hard to control my rage so I can only imagine it's impossible for her with the anxiety etc on top of it.

Me and my partner normally get on great sure we have the odd argument but nothing out of control. Yesterday for example I spent about an hour screaming and crying. I felt like he wasn't supportive, like he didn't know how to look after me, like he's never there when I need him and yep it did cross my mind that I'd be better without him but if I left I'd have no baby. I felt like I'd made the wrong choice to be with him etc. I was just an emotional mess and felt totally alone.

Now today Im feeling myself and feel none of that stuff I said above, I love my partner dearly, when it takes over me I really do feel like a different person so hopefully your partner will wake up feeling differently today.

Prehaps look into using the counselling at your clinic if she would be up for it, and remember take care of yourself, this is hard for everyone involved xo

[Paris1771]

Hi dear

Sorry to hear that u two r in such a stressful situation! U know infertility and ivf bring us too much pressure and depression into our lives and your poor partner has been on depression herself from a while ago as u said! It’ll be too tough for both of u! In my opinion if everything goes on well with her EC and fertilisation(fingers crossed), then put them on the freeze and wait till she gets stable and at least in a better moode for the transfer! Our moods play a big role on it! My whole journy proved it to me! May doctors r right about her ovarious reserve but they r not always right! U may have a better chance in the future instead of just rushing to this round with too much stress! Take your time and enjoy the love between u more than anything even beeing parents! The most and first important thing is your relationship and the happiness of u two rather than beeing parents but not really enjoying your life! I wish all the best and greatest luck in the world for both of u! Sending u baby dusts!xxxx

[Snoopyy in reply to Paris1771]

Thank you so much its good to hear from other people im so lost right now this is not the first time she has left right at the beginning of tge process she woke up one morning give me a kiss said i love you dropped my neice off at school then 2 hours later i got a message saying she was not coming back she went for 4 weeks and sofa surfed at our friends houses and her mums (her mum also suffers badly with mental health and cant offer much stable support and cant cope with the stress of it all) she came back jan 15th but has been in such a mess and wont ask for help, she can barely get out of bed and when she does shes out all the time, she does not do anything around the house or for anyone in the house she cant even pick up her clothes when she has a bath even making a bed is just too much for her, im so worried about her. She is convinced if she leaves it will all go away because she feels different when shes not in the house, she says she feels stress when at home and being out makes her feel free!? She is not eating or sleeping right she has lost so much weight! I tried to explain she feels that way because she is running from the problem not facing them so when she is out away from home she will feel that way, but where ever she goes her brain will be with her and if she does not get help it will be worse in the long run. As i metioned in my post her brother lives with us at the moment and he can not understand her behaviour and has said she has had a breakdown but she won't listen to him either and they have become distant because she is pushing him away too along with everyone close.

Thank you once again i really appreciate it. I wish u well. Xx

[Paris1771 in reply to Snoopyy]

Your most welcome honey! I think she does need a big help and maybe u can not do much about it except for take her to visit a good dr and start the medication( whatever it takes!) . I guess these problems must be solved before trying to conceiving a new member in your family! She cant be a good mother as she even can not help herself to feel better or helping u to as partner! This just an idea but u must make the decision by yourself as u know her well! As u said even her brother can make a good connection with her anymore! Though there is no doubt that she needs a good help to solve her problems first!

Wish u all the best and hope u can reach a peaceful point in your life! Take care! xxxxxx

[Redpixie]

Talking therapy really helps my anxiety. Would she go and talk to someone?

You’re doing amazing as a partner. I’m sorry she left, I guess everything got too much for her. Make sure she knows you love her and maybe give her a little space.

Finally, my partner & I went through serious relationship problems a couple of years ago as we were about to start IVF. I was unhealthily obsessed about conceiving and my husband was stressed about finances as he’d lost his job. We nearly split up but he agreed to go to couples counselling “to split up amicably” (that’s how I persuaded him to go). After a few sessions we decided to give it another go, but to put IVF on hold. 2 years later we’re closer than ever, and even though I’m 40 next month and that reduces my chances of success I’m just glad that I had a chance to clear my head before starting IVF, I completely underestimated how hard it would be but I’m managing it really well. And the time out concentrating on our relationship was invaluable. I know time is ticking for you both but I would highly recommend couples therapy. Good luck to you both x

[Snoopyy in reply to Redpixie]

Thamk you so much i feel so lost so worried and im left to dral with everything i have no idea how to cope at the moment, she is so subbon at the best of times nevermind now i really do appreciate hearing the sstruggles of everyone else i know its not just me and i know she is out of control with her emotions. Im so happy that you got through it, she too was obsessed about the ivf she is convinced i didnt want it as much as her, which is not true its just different as a partner as we do not go through the same throught process its really hard on me as i could never give her what she wanted anyway for one im a woman and cant preform miracles lol but i dont really get much of a role to play other than being supportive, we did choose the donor together i had a say in that and i have to go to all appointments, i still have to have all the blood test a man does (and im needle phobic ) ive wanted to be a mum all my life but i could never carry so its different for me, ive tried to show her in everyway how i want this more than ever but she is convinced i didnt.

Anyway thank you again for you kind words. Good luck xx

[Redpixie in reply to Snoopyy]

I’ll be thinking of you both. Just take one day at a time. That’s how I cope. It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed in these situations. Maybe try to encourage her to just deal with today. And constantly tell her you love her.

It’s not the same situation but the other week when I was high on hormones I snapped at my husband in the supermarket, completely irrationally. He didnt react, just gave me a huge hug. He didn’t say anything at all but it just melted me. Simple things like that will mean the world.

Obviously she isn’t there right now so that is the first step. I would send her a text explaining how much you love her, how much you want this and how much you want to support her. Ask her how you can support her better (I’m not saying you aren’t doing a good job but wording it like this will give her the opportunity to open up about her feelings). One thing my husband and I learnt from couples therapy is to talk about things when we are both calm. If we are irratable now we walk away from each other and talk when we’re thinking rationally. This is hard when one person has mental health problems but there will be less irate windows in there. I wish you all the best of luck and give me a shout if you need anything.

[Snoopyy in reply to Redpixie]

Thank you x