Hi all. I'm sure I cant be the only one, but over the past few years I have frequently encountered insensitive remarks surrounding the fact I dont have children. These can be from close friends, family, work colleagues or acquaintances. I often manage to brush it off, but now I have finally been referred for IVF and know there is a problem, I am feeling particularly sensitive to these comments and unsure how to deal with them anymore.
Classic comments include "when are you going to have a baby? "Isnt it about time you had a baby?", "Come on, what are you waiting for", "I will do X when you finally have kids", You dont want to leave it too much longer" etc etc....I'm sure you have heard it all before! I know these people are not intentionally trying to hurt me but it's very difficult to deal with and making me want to start avoiding social interactions to avoid starting such a conversation.
We are starting to tell our close friends and family about our IVF referal which has taken some pressure off the situation, but it's people I don't want knowing that are the problem.
Any tips on how you deal with this situation would be gratefully received!
Xxx
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Love_the_mountains
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It’s so difficult isn’t it. My mother in law said to me the other day ‘how much longer are you going to deprive my son of being a father’ in front of 8 others during dinner! She has no idea we’ve had several losses and are about to start our 4th cycle.
I used to be polite and say things like ‘never say never’, or ‘we would love kids they just haven’t come along yet’ but it hasn’t really shut anyone up so I’ve started being a bit firmer and saying things like ‘which bit of that don’t you think I know’ or ‘yes everyone would love kids but it’s not always as easy as just a choice’... never say much more than that but it has started to shut people up a bit
My best was when I was playing a game with a friends very irritating 7yo who had been dumped on me whilst they drank wine and she turned round and said ‘awwww bet you can’t wait to have some of your own’ and I just turned round and said ‘to be honest today has completely put me off!’ ... we all laughed but they’ve never mentioned it again! hugs and masses of luck for you ivf! xx
Hi Daisy. It sure is! Sorry to hear that regarding your mother-in-law. Hopefully it was just a one off comment, but there is still no excuse for being so insensitive in front of all those people. I will bear your comments in mind - I think we naturally become firmer with time. I am already starting to feel I need to be firm with some people. Love the story about the 7 year old! As much as we want a baby of our own, we aren't very good with other people's children haha. Wishing you all the best! xx
Hi..I know it wouldn't suit everyone but I just started answering people with the truth. When someone asks about a baby and you reply that youre waiting to start IVF youll generally find they'll shut up pretty quickly lol
Or some people might ask more about it, and I found talking about it helped me, its always annoyed me that's its still a "taboo" subject in many ways and so I enjoy telling people about it.
Don't get me wrong you still get people who say bloody stupid things even when they know but I just usually try to be direct with them. That's not to say it doesn't get on top of me at times but I hope you find a coping strategy that's works for you xo
I’m with you. This is exactly my approach. I don’t think it should be taboo either and people don’t know anything about it really so I’ve made it my mission to educate friends and family. Spread the word! Well done to you xx
Couldn't agree more - we have decided to be open with our close friends and family and already I feel so much better for it. Such a relief that I don't need to make up excuses anymore or dread them asking me if/when I want children. Now they know the truth. I'm still struggling with outsiders but hopefully with time I will feel more confident to be open. It is so important to raise awareness as infertility is very common yet also not really talked openly about. Thank you and wish you all the best in your journey xxx
Hi. I can see how telling people the truth will shut them up - I think they would be shocked actually to know what we have been going through. We have been able to hide our journey up to this point using various excuses, but as years pass us by it is getting more difficult. I actually feel uncomfortable now making up excuses and feel being open is probably the best approach, although I want to keep it within my close circle for the time being. I do feel relief for telling those close to me though. I'm just struggling to deal with people I am not close to but who think it is okay to make public comments.
Couldn't agree more about sub fertility still being a taboo subject - when I told a friend the other day, I had no idea she was also going through IVF. We shouldn't feel ashamed. I do intend to be more open about this, I just need to tell people when it is the right time.
I don’t think you have to tell people you are not close to. I don’t. It’s none of their business. If people ask I just say “we’d like to have children at some point”, or “maybe, one day” and then walk off or talk to someone else. I don’t engage any more than that. It’s a ridiculous question so they get a short answer!! You’re doing brilliantly telling friends and family so don’t worry. Xx
I’m with you all on this subject. It is so insensitive but I try and focus on the positive steps I am taking and try to brush them off with a smile and then I move away. I focus on the loving partner without whom I would not even be encountering this journey. I have confided in one best friend as my outlet along with husband.
Knowing there is this wonderful community and network also helps me stay positive.
Thank you. That is a good approach. Like you, I always remind myself how lucky I am to have found true love. It saddens me to think there is the possibility we may never have a child of our own but I also have to bring myself back to the fact that we still have each other. xx
I've been here! And when they ask "when are you going to have kids" I always wanted to reply with "when are you go to shut the f*&$ up"... I used to smile awkwardly and feel like rubbish inside....
I think you shouldn't have to think of what to say, you should be able to either tell them the truth or just tell them it's none of their business, or be as blunt as you want to. They might not realise how hurtful they're being, but you shouldn't have to tiptoe around their feelings if they haven't around yours.
I've had many comments about IVF too... it's amazing how many people with no experience whatsoever on IVF will say "oh, I know someone who it worked for, so it will work for you"... 😂 After the umpteenth person, my best friend said something along those lines and I just stopped and asked her how exactly she came to that conclusion... and she stopped, thought about it and then said she realised how what she'd said was a bit silly... and after that we just laughed about it and I felt that I could pull her up on any other silly comments (but she was coming from a good place).
Stay strong, and positive. Dont waste your energy on ignorant people xxx
The number of times I have wanted to say that haha, but I am (normally!) a placid non-confrontational person so have bit my tongue but like you walked away feeling sad and rubbish. Although I am getting to the point of saying something if they catch me on a bad day! I have actually started saying to some people that I have now added them onto my mental list of annoying people who ask these questions - however they still ask at the next social event!! I think with time I will get firmer. Completely agree we shouldn't have to tip toe around them when they haven't given any consideration to my feelings. All the best to you xxx
I love your comments - will definitely remember those!! I wouldn't dream of asking people what they ask me, and can only conclude they are naive and had a very easy life! It is however a poor reflection on them to be so intrusive. Think I need to toughen up as I am pretty oversensitive at the best of times! Sounds like whatever you have said to people in the past has done the trick to shut them up! Wishing you all the best xx
I think it’s also a reflection on the people asking these questions, that they are quite narrow minded. Being childless and older I have a number of friends now who are my age and simply don’t want kids. We have never talked about it in detail but it’s nice to know that they understand the societal pressure on women to conform to having children. Obviously in my case I want them but that’s what I choose. I told my line manager recently about the ivf and she said “I’m really surprised, I always thought you too hip to want kids” 😂 I think I give off an air of not liking kids when it’s really that I can’t be around them/talk about them as it’s too painful.
I’ve just remembered the last scenario like this I had and I was really chuffed with my response. I was at my best male friends birthday and one of his friends I haven’t seen for ages was there. I introduced him to my husband and he asked if we had kids. I said no. He then asked if we wanted kids. There was a moment of silence where my best friend and husband were on either side of me and both put an arm round me. I answered “now there’s a question” and just stared at him. The guy felt so uncomfortable and started muttering about “oh yes I shouldn’t ask that question. Sorry I’m drunk. Ignore me” and scurried off.
People say the most stupid things even when they are trying to be sympathetic. We had a friend who happens to be a GP say you could always adopt. I don’t talk to them anymore. I always found I like my exotic holidays too much or my long lies at the weekend were always a good way to deflect awkward conversations. Now I have the opposite issue now I’m pregnant people ask very personal questions like it’s their business to know. X
Hey. Sorry you experienced that - I too have noticed people bring up adoption but it isn't an easy process to go through either and not for everyone. Love the holidays and lie ins excuses! They aren't far from the truth but of course really we would love a baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy - I guess the questions will never end haha. Wish you all the best throughout your pregnancy and beyond xxx
Aww thank you. It’s a tough old journey but just need to keep going even when it feels impossible and people are being silly with their comments and anyway why do we feel we have to explain ourselves to anyone. It’s none of their business what our personal circumstances are. All the best on your journey! X
I just used to say “not today” as my standard go to. Shut people up for that moment but not long term. We ended up telling close family about our struggles in the end since we were getting so many questions and it was so upsetting. I didn’t really get too many questions from friends though so I guess I was lucky. I hope things get better and it looks like you’ve received a lot of advice already. Best of luck with your ivf xxx
I love that - will remember that one! That's the problem isn't it, these type of intrusive people can only manage to shut up temporarily. I can only assume they have never been through such a thing and are naive. Thank you - wish you all the best too xx
I'm sorry you have experienced it too. I think it will be a case of being open or firm - but yes I agree about feeling guilty if I have slightly snapped! I once got told to hold more babies / go shopping for baby stuff and maybe that will help me get pregnant! I have heard some ridiculous things haha. These people mean well (sometimes) but obviously haven't been through this journey to understand its really not that simple / easy! I don't think the questions / opinions will ever stop unfortunately but guess we can try and find ways of dealing with them a little bit better. Never easy though! All the best to you xxx
Ohhh I’m so sorry you have to deal with this as well as everything else. Personally, I chose to be very open very early on to avoid people putting their foot in it and me snapping back. I’ve had a couple of family say similar to me they’re the older relatives and my response was “when are you having babies”. My friend who has been married for a year told me she’s started getting these questions, her husband always responds “oh no, we can’t get pregnant the way we do it” which I wish I used! Makes them feel as awkward as you 😂 good luck with everything, fingers crossed for the next few months xxx
I think this is probably the best approach! Although I don't feel confident to tell work colleagues and distant friends at the moment, but this may change with time. I definitely feel better for telling my close friends and family though. Haha I love your friend's husband's comment - will remember that one! Thanks so much. Hope all is well with you xxx
I think you are right. Its nothing to be ashamed of, more of a confidence thing but I am getting there. It would definitely shut them up and make them more sensitive! xx
Bless you I use to get this all the time now I’m totally honest with ppl at work and there now suppprtive I told them about ivf it has made things a lot easier xxx
I do think honesty is the best policy. I just need to get my head around it all before I tell others that aren't so close to us. I think with time I will be more open though xxx
It’s tough. I’m sorry you are having to deal with such insensitivity. It hits me hard every time. I’ve used different responses depending on who I’m speaking to ‘maybe someday’, ‘we’re not all so lucky’, ‘yes I’d love to have children & so would my husband’, ‘children are amazing, yes we’d love to have a family’. My approach is to be kind & polite, even if they are not. If I find it very intrusive & rude, I just deflect & don’t even answer, I change the subject, just pretend I didn’t hear them otherwise I’d be afraid what might come out of my mouth. At the end of the day you don’t need to worry about anyone else but you. Just focus on you, staying positive & one day you will have your dream. Hugs to you Xx
It sure hits me hard. I agree and think that's the best approach - although catch me on a bad day and I might not be so kind and polite haha but I always try to be! Thanks for your advice - will bear those comments in mind. Thats very true - I am guilty for caring too much about what others think. But you are right, it is time to focus on me and positivity. All the best to you xxx
Aww yes this is horrible. My friend’s dad said (while holding my Godson) “when are you going to make your mom happy and give her one of these?” It cut like a knife!
I think it helps to have an ‘agreed’ line that you both say, for continuity... And also helps you both keep prepped. We found “not yet”, or “right now we’re living the life and enjoying us” or “well, it’s harder now we are older...” whatever works for you both, it’s very hard though.
I have to say I’m struggling with secondary infertility and the comments are one of the hardest things to deal with. I have repeated implantation failure and some of the comments are ludicrous from “just relax”, “lose weight” etc I really don’t understand how me losing my babies has anything to do with relaxing or losing weight. I’m a healthy bmi anyway. People are just ignorant and if they’ve not been through it then they come out with the dumbest insulting things. I tend to avoid/ignore people now or be very direct with them. It just depends how I’m feeling and how much I like them. Repeated dumb comments will usually end a friendship for me. If someone can’t take the time to listen even when I’ve told them 2-3 times, I lose my patience with them.
I find it’s best to tackle it head on. I have endometriosis and may not have kids. Hoping after the next operation we may get lucky x
So when people ask. I tell them, maybe never, I have a disease called endometriosis which means it’s really difficult to get pregnant.
I have only had positive replies and a few apologies. Most people have never encountered anyone who has struggled (or they have, but have never been given a true answer)
I tell them in the hope that they think a little before making those comments against anyone else.
The more you talk about it the easier it gets. Don’t hide your struggles or pains. That’s how these questions have become acceptable to people x x
I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve and over the past two weeks more so than ever before I’ve realised the more you tell people the more ammunition they have to shoot at you without a seconds thought for your feelings .Today starts to bring out an inner bitch I never thought I had because I’m fed up of people hurting me between flaunting pregnancy in my face “purposely using me as the pregnant collueges lackey in work when the boss knows my struggles she has led me into a false sense of security and I opened up then uses my mood as a chance to have a dig over my last two failed attempts and I’m told I should be grateful I have one .Its nothing to do with not being grateful and I will be telling people in future when they start with there “you know what I think chat my reply will be it’s not always an intelligent mind we need to speak but a patient heart to listen without being condemned I wish you every luck in the world we all know how real the struggle is and I never realised till I started this process how silly people could be with words that hit you in the heart like a knife xx
The comments and questions are the worst. Some people are idiots. I keep thinking the next time someone asks me when I’m going to have kids I should ask them when they’re going to win the lottery.
“Just keep buying tickets, you’ll win eventually. Tell you what buy a load of tickets for Saturday’s draw, then relax and don’t think about it, then with your winnings you can take us shopping next week.”
Well, I have this issue with people at my work saying, you aren’t maternal, do you not want kids? You probably won’t have them now coz you are too old!
What I reply can’t be wrote on here I don’t think but you can see where I am going with it!
Just tell them to do one! 😉
Use my line of I’ll do what I want, when I want, coz I can and when it’s any of your business I will tell you personally! 😊
It's really hard to deal with but I have to remember that I was guilty of asking people this question 'do you have kids?' It's so easy and so natural to ask and yet now I see the other side of it and I realize how hurtful such a simple thing to ask can be. I haven't told many people about our journey and go to lots of places where this question is asked quite regularly. It's hard. I went to a meeting a few weeks back where I met some lovely people but as soon as the question came up 'do you have kids?' and I answered 'No' I was (without them realizing it) alienated from the rest of the conversations. I don't tell people the truth (when this is asked) as I am not ready for people to know but I think that if I was asked something like you mentioned I would tell them just to make them feel guilty I think pregnancy is taken for granted and because people feel they cant talk about infertility openly, society doesn't realise that they are doing anything wrong. It's a hard situation. I have learnt to lie really well and that helps to fend off baby questions
Thank you for your reply - couldn't agree more! I have become a very good lier / good at acting haha. But there are days I could just break down and have to hold it all in. Guess that's normal. With time I am telling people close to me but it's the outspoken outsiders that are the problem. I know they dont intentionally go out to hurt me and like you say they are just naive. Good luck in your journey! Xxx
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I think pregnancy is taken for granted and because people feel they cant talk about infertility openly, society doesn't realise that they are doing anything wrong. It's a hard situation. I have learnt to lie really well and that helps to fend off baby questions 
How do you deal with the sadness?
Dealing with IVF is sin and have you thought about adoption comments 
How do you deal with unhelpful advice from well meaning but ignorant people?
How do you cope with infertility?
How do you decide?😢🙈😢
