I am always trying to be positive but just sat on the sofa and had a massive reality check moment.
Not sure if it’s my due date yesterday .. not my first MC but my ivf one so made it even more precious. Not sure if it’s the constant family focus and hourly snap chats of my 11 month old nephew who is gorgeous but who makes my heart ache every time I see him, or not sure if its the letter I got from my consultant saying basically this next round is last chance saloon and they won’t do anymore, but I suddenly feel very very lost. Like I want to run away and never see anyone again. I’ve just realised we aren’t likely to be that happy couple and we are unlikely to be the ones with the ‘sensitive post good news stories’ and wow it hurts.
Can anyone advise of any channels of support? My clinic does counselling but it doesn’t really work for me. No one really knows about ivf so I haven’t really got people to chat to but all of a sudden I think I really need some help but not sure where to get it from. Are there NHS forums or helplines or similar ? (Not sure I would ever call anyone!?)
Sorry to be a bit weak and pathetic - I know we need positivity round here - just a massive wobble today xx
Bless you thanks! I just think of you all and the chaos that breaks loose when baby arrives and it must feel like another world. I was also really worried about you the other day as there had been a lot of coverage about the wild fires and the UK government up in arms about them. I saw the smoke making the sky turn black at 3pm and just hoped that you weren’t impacted xx
It was like the apocalypse here in São Paulo, 2pm and the sky dark like it was dusk. Really bizarre. And the President is a total loose cannon, you couldn't make it up, life really is stranger than fiction at the minute.
The baby certainly turns life upside down but we're so busy focusing on the small things getting through each day there's not much time to reflect.
I really hope this last throw of the dice comes through for you and sending up a little prayer for you for serenity and peace of mind whichever way they fall xxx
Not sure it helps but the rest of the world definitely recognise the political situation is far from ideal with you, will be interesting to see how it all plays out.
I love your attitude re baby and chaos that reigns but once again thrilled you are experiencing it no matter how tough it feels!
Thank you for the severity vibes. I’ve always been such an ‘on the level’ person and hope I can find her again xx
Hi Daisy1245,
I am feeling this for you and we all know this pain so right by your side.🤗
Louise
Xxxx😘
in reply to
Thank you so much.. Kind of don’t want to thank you as sucks you are in the same position just a couple of year ms behind (age wise)! I really hope I am the bad luck one for you to be the good luck one.. but ideally that there’s enough luck to go round for all of us. Some days I am so fine about everything- even planning for a future without children, but days like today I am properly loopy and just want to run away. Hugs to you and support flowing right back at you xx
in reply to
Hi Daisy1245,
I really feel for you and so get it.You try your hardest to stay positive but sometimes just feel like your wasting your time.I had acupuncture at ovulation this week.I will literally try anything but probably kidding myself.
I really hope this round works for you.Why did the consultant say last round?.
Don't be sorry Daisy, the forum is here for support during the dark times!!
So sorry you are having a tough time, it gets exhausting with others' good news when you are suffering your loss and going through all this. Are your family aware of how you feel?
Is the counselling at the clinic just not enough or like not quite the support you need?
Your GP could be worth asking what NHS support is out there xx
Thanks so much for your reply, and sorry that you are going through such a rough journey too. The clinic counsellor was a lovely lady but I just didnt feel like it helped me at all. Probably because I want solutions (!) but I cried a bit she listened and then my time was up and I didnt feel any different to how I had before I had gone into the room. I think asking my GP is a great idea.
Really hope you get some clarity and some good news soon xx
Thanks Daisy! It's true it can be so frustrating when you can't get definite answers to things 😬 not knowing why it's not working.
Where about in the country are you? -feel free to pm if you don't want to share your location on the forum!
And you still have this next chance by the sound of it, it's scary but it's not over yet!
Sending you lots and lots of luck for it xx
Hey,sorry I can't give any advice but just wanted to say you are not weak or pathetic, you are so strong to keep on going and its only natural to feel how u do, I also feel the same and was only saying to my mom last week I feel like emigrating as much as I love my niece's and nephews its a constant struggle to stay positive and it gets so tiring after each loss or failed cycle, all we can do is take one day at a time and chat to each other on here to keep each other going.
I really hope that it works out for you next time round xxx
in reply to
Thank you for your kind words. I hate that you feel similar but it is also reassuring. I really hope you are doing ok after your sad news and things are starting to feel better physically and mentally xx
Hi Hidden First of all, I’m in a similar boat and am sending you big hugs. We know how tough it is. Take care of yourself, that’s the most important thing.
Second, I don’t know your file but I heard a lot of different opinions from different consultants. At the end of the day, it’s a judgement call whether you want to keep going with treatment or not. As long as you produce eggs, you have a chance. It’s more a question of how much the treatment is taking out of you, because at the end of the day, your health and well being are number one.
Thanks so much for your response. My clinic is not for profit and so very careful about whether each round is adding value.. in that I have unexplained infertility and so technically could get pregnant naturally (did once years ago but MC).. and they won't keep going if they feel IVF isn't adding to our chances over that naturally. They say if I get a similar result to my last round then they dont feel like its ethical to take our money any longer because we are rather doomed to failure! x
Hi Daisy, I went to a support group after the first round of IVF failed and saw a specialist fertility counsellor. Both were immensely helpful and it was good to speak to people who knew what I was going through. I simply googled local support groups and fertility counsellors and found the most local to me. The support group was free albeit I had to pay for the counsellor. It is completely normal to have good days and bad days, especially with everything that has happened. Wishing you all the best in your next steps xx
Hi hun I have been there and know and still remember this darkness.
I did a couple of things: counselling at my NHS clinic and I self referred for CBT. I also tried to meditate daily (deep breathing) even for a couple of minutes few times a day.
I focused few things that made me happier, good food, playing music, holidays with my husband and spending time with my family.
I started feeling much better when I discovered I had Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and started taking Levothyroxine. I believe Hashimoto's contributed to me feeling so low.
It's amazing you recognised you need extra help to get through this time. It's worth exploring different options as each can give you techniques and strategies to cope on many life situations.
Thank you so much for your reply, and all of the suggestions. CBT isn't something I had thought of but think its a great idea. Hope your pains have stopped and you can start to relax and enjoy your pregnancy (if only!) xx
Hi Daisy, sorry for the long post- my heart goes out to you!
what an articulate way of describing how many of us have felt at some points. I so hope you come out of this and feel like yourself again soon.
As for what to do (because I know that feeling of being too low to really fathom what to do). Ideas to consider:
1- get your thyroid checked. (Blood test). Like the lady above I was in the brink of depression 12 months after my mc. I just thought I wasn’t dealing with it so well. Finally went to the docs to get referred for ivf and a wonderfully thoughtful trainee doctor added thyroid to my blood test. My levels were way way off but she didn’t mention the connection. I started the thyroxine but didn’t really think anything.
2- the same week I started acupuncture, one that specialises in fertility. The first thing she did was get me to talk, and the first advice she gave me was that the thyroid levels were so far off they would be a massive contributor to my feeling so low. I cried. Someone telling me there was a physical contributor and I would soon feel better. I’ve had 2 acupuncturists. As well as making me relax and genuinely forget everything for half an hour a week, they genuinely know their medical stuff. I don’t know whether acupuncture works (yet) but I know that having half an hours break from my emotions, and half an hours chat with someone so knowledgeable and massively positive about my fertility, has been a godsend.
3- try counselling, I’m still looking for the ‘right’ solution here, I phoned the miscarriage advice line once but just felt like I was being read a script. I’m sure they’re really good, but it didn’t do it for me. I’ve got a new lady, one I can walk to from my house and so far I’m 50:50 on whether we’ll have the connection I’ve had with my acupuncturist (and her holiday cover who has been even better!). But I’m giving it a go, which in the very least gives me a 20 min each way walk and it tells me (and my partner) that I’m doing something to feel better. That helps the guilt too, of being down, again. I literally just googled and found a counsellor directory where you see a profile and email them.
3- exercise- whatever floats your boat. I like gym classes where you get shouted at and the music is so loud they don’t give two hoots how I’m feeling. I can’t think about anything else than that next press up and it’s a good good physically and an emotional break! I go to pure gym for £15 per month, all classes are free.
4- maybe take a break from all the forums and google? I am struggling at the moment to not make this ‘ journey’ my whole life. You know yourself best, maybe a break would help you??
I do hope you feel better soon, remember you’re the same person you always were, the same one who’s still standing after everything you’ve been through. Take each day in little chunks - you get through this morning, good for you, you do something constructive - good for you.
Be kind to yourself at this time, you won’t feel like this forever I promise xx hugs xx
Thank you so so much for taking the time to write all of this down, its all really helpful. I am not sure if my thyroid has been checked or not but I will definitely get that done ASAP.
I feel like I am two different people really. We were on holiday last week and I felt FANTASTIC! it was back to me and my OH, not too much baby chat, and just enjoying life. I came back full of positivity and determination to enjoy life no matter what happened, but very quickly am back into constant chat about my nephew, focusing on IVF diet, all my friend and colleagues with bumps or babies and I come crashing back down again. I think you are right, maybe I do need to step away from the forums and chat, and try and focus on other things in my life.
Wishing you masses of success for your cycle and thank you again xx
I’m so sorry your feeling so low.. It’s a bloody rubbish journey when you’ve had to deal with so much heartbreak along the way.. I self referred myself to have some CBT on the NHS last year after I suffered a miscarriage from our second round of IVF.. Although it wasn’t strictly fertility focused, it taught me some coping strategies for my worries and anxieties.. i just googled my area NHS and it came up with a couple of options that I could self refer, didn’t even need to go to GP.. I could also self refer to a counsellor if I found CBT wasn’t enough..
Your not weak or pathetic though, just in need of a little help which is totally understandable considering what your going through.. Sending so much love xxx
Thank you so much, CBT could well be a real help and I will definitely look into it - I hadn't thought about it. Hope you are doing ok and blossoming xx
So sorry to read this don’t apologise it’s really hard to constantly be positive all the time. I really hope this last go works for you, if your clinic’s counselling doesn’t work could you google fertility counsellors see about going private? I think fertility network UK might do an online chat if you don’t want to ring?? Sending a big hug xx
Am so sorry you’re having such a hard time. I can totally relate to how your feeling. Trying so hard to stay positive but then have massive wobbles too. Friday felt fine and then yesterday like it was the end of the world. I didn’t find the counsellor at my clinic particularly helpful but I did find the fertility network support group good and would recommend. The one I went to has a speaker and then time to just chat to the other people there. I found it really comforting to know we weren’t alone as don’t know anyone else having IVF. Reading the other responses think I will look at getting my bloods checked too. Really hope you’re feeling better today. Thinking of you x x
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, especially when you are having such a rough time. I didnt even know there were local support groups so will definitely look into this. Really hope you get some answers and they are positive ones soon xx
Bless ya!! I had a MC three weeks ago. It was our last attempt to get a sibling for my little boy. However I literally find myself researching new clinics in secret, seeing how I can try again without anyone finding out. All my family love me I know, but I’m faced constantly with “you’ve made the right choice, your 40 now, it’s not worth putting yourself through any more”. Yep I’m 40, therefore I’m ancient, over the hill, rotting eggs, the problem is my test results say the opposite, which is why I can’t move on. Counselling doesn’t work either for me, or any of people’s suggestions, so I wish I had an answer, but I don’t. Whilst I get that clinics are trying to be helpful, how awful for you to know this is almost last chance saloon, that is pressure in itself. I’m suitably impressed on how reserved you are, me I’d probably tell the consultant “get stuffed, I decide when it’s over” I realise I’m a hot head at times and not advocating that, as it is possibly the right course of action for you, I also realise it would be easy for me to say that to a stranger, coz I can’t say that and wouldn’t say that to my family. I might have to start a post that says “this is sh*t, swearing welcome, losing your sh*t is totally okay”. I wish you all the luck and have everything crossed for you moving forward.
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, and honestly I am not nearly this polite in real life and my normal post would be full of &&&&****(**'s
I am sorry you are in a similar position and it must be so hard when you have one and just want a sibling which you hope would be so simple. You are right it is ok to feel all hopeless and helpless, its just not really me so I find it a bit weird!
Really hope you get some positive news - I think if things look like they should work you definitely shouldn't give up xx
Hi Daisy. So sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I know when i was first told that i had fertility issues that it felt the world had fallen away from
my feet and didn’t know what to do. I thought if i carried on and pretended i was fine that it would all work out (head in sand). Then one day i broke. I wasn’t eating or sleeping and couldn’t stop crying. I had some time off work. And i told my parents and some close friends. Honestly that has helped me so much. I have people to moan to of i am having a bad day, people to hug me when i am having a weepy day and people who male me have fun when i am having a good day. Is there anyone you could confide in? It honestly helped me no end. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
Thanks so much for replying, and sorry you have had a difficult time too, but excited you are about to start IVF.
I did eventually tell my parents about my miscarriages, but their response was that I am so strong they know I don't need their support and myself sister needs them more.. and its never been mentioned again!
I really do feel for you, I naively thought ivf just worked for everyone when I started this but I have been proved wrong myself.
Gateway woman uk are amazing and worth looking up, they are on Facebook.
I've done acupuncture weekly for nearly a year, very expensive and it hasn't helped me. Walking helps me yorkshire peaks or coast to coast walks are both amazing and achievable.
I've done les mills body attack classes for years and they are amazing and very uplifting, I did one friday night after weeks of misery and felt human again.
Holidays help me always have even before all this, expensive but helped me more than counselling.
I'm only 36 but my consultants letters are always worded very negatively. I also feel she wants to give up but I will not so after my next one I'm off abroad. It's my money and my choice and I'm not ready to call it a day yet.
My poor old mother had me naturally at 45 in 1982. She was told after over 5 miscarriages, some late ones and stays in hospital that she must stop trying. My mum didn't and she had me, she has been the most amazing mother and gave me everything. She has dementia now but still tells me I have to keep going.
Thanks so much for your reply - I will definitely look up Gateway - had never heard of them.
I think I definitely need to find an exercise class or something. I horse ride but have to stop for every round so its like I have to choose between the two lives I have each time. I definitely don't think you should call it a day - I have 7 years on you and managed a BFP albeit one that ended sadly.
Bless your Mum thats an incredible story and very inspiring. Sorry to hear she has dementia. Thank you for your support xx
Firstly you are not “weak and pathetic”. You are strong and resilient. If you weren’t you wouldn’t have fought to get to this point.
Secondly, I strongly advise going to your gp to see if they can refer you to more counselling. I have a lot of experience in mental health problems and counselling and the right person can make the world of difference. I am lucky to be able to pay privately for the right counsellor for me who has helped me through this journey. The issue with ivf counselling, in my experience, is that is solely about the ivf journey. Life isn’t put into boxes like that and it may be that you need to work with someone who will help you look at the bigger picture of your life.
Please remember what Winnie the Pooh said “you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think...” I promise, how you feel now will pass.
Bless you thank you - your response very nearly made me cry. I will go and see my GP, I can afford to pay for counselling so maybe thats what needed. I think you are right, the counselling is very focused on IVF and I think maybe I have other baggage that over the last 40 years I have hidden away and now its all leaking out xx
Believe me, I understand. I’ve been having therapy for 5 years (now 40) and it’s changed my life. Please DM me if you need to. I understand. I don’t suppose you are Manchester based are you? I have a couple of awesome therapist recommendations if you are.
Sadly not.. I am down south. Thank you for the offer of support its much appreciated. Really hope you find some positivity to start again and its successful x
Hi Daisy, I can’t help with UK support services as I am in Australia but can empathise with everything you are saying. It is totally natural to feel everything you are feeling as this is a tough tough road. I don’t really have any answers except to say to be kind to yourself. I have found confiding in a select group of friends super helpful - it’s amazing when you start taking to people how many have been silently through similar situations. I had to let my work know and my boss revealed she did 22 rounds without success and ended up fostering. This sort of thing has been a huge comfort to me. Wishing you all the best xx
Thanks so much for your reply, I have tried to confide in a few people but they all know a friend who has been through what I am going through and it all ended up fine and thats the end of the matter! I have realised that I am the strong one and everyone is quite uncomfortable when I need support as thats just not how its supposed to be!
I really hope you are feeling less pain now and are able to start focusing on your transfer in the near future - heaps of luck xx
Thank you. Yes I ended up I hospital due to OHSS on Friday but am feeling much better today. However my experience has made me question whether I will do another round.
One of my best friends was success via IVF but after several rounds. She is 5 years younger than me though. My friends have been at times flippant about it but I’ve responded to that by being really clear just how slim our odds are of it working (+ all the gates through which we have to go through when it can fail) and have also been open when I am wobbling or not coping.
Because of my experience on this first cycle I am starting to focus on life if we aren’t successful - which in our case was always the likely outcome - and what big changes I want to make to my life once this chapter is closed. I sometimes can’t remember what life was like before I got caught in the spiral of trying to conceive but I do know that I was probably overall much happier and felt better physically than I do now.
This is not advice at all as each of our journeys must be our own but you should know that your feelings are normal and shared by many of us and we are here for you x
There are always options, doctors are the ones to give options, counselling just helps digest your options. I was at the end of the ivf road at 42, the chances were just too small- so we decided donor or adoption. We tried donor and it gave me a beautiful daughter- I cannot express the love we have for her and joy she has given to our lives! It was a tough decision we had doubts , lots of counselling- but now we are happy family- I pinch myself how blessed we feel !! I don’t know your journey but don’t give up hope. If the donor cycle failed we would have gone the adoption route- a friend of mine did and she’s blissfully happy mum
Thank you for your inspiring reply - I am really happy it worked out so well for you and your friend. I am 42 too so am at a similar cross roads. Congratulations on your daughter xx
Aw poor you! I think it’s important to have a wobble because sometimes you just need to get to the low point so that you can pick yourself up and move on.
Could you look around for a private counsellor that might be better for you. It’s all so tough to know where to go really. Sending hugs your way xx
Hi Daisy. I just wanted to say I’m sorry you are feeling so bad. I can really relate to so many things you have said. You are certainly not weak or pathetic - far from it! I find it’s sad that we can think of ourselves in this way, and yet if someone else said it about themselves it’s so much easier for us to challenge it! I really struggle with this too. Try to be kind to yourself.
It is great that you recognise how bad you are feeling and want to try to do something about it. It’s also ok not to be positive ALL the time - it’s exhausting especially when there are lots of upsetting reminders surrounding you. I can really relate to that too. I would agree with what others have said about counselling. I’d say try a few out - their approaches can be so different so finding the right fit for you is important. I’ve been seeing a non-IVF therapist for a while. Initially I wasn’t sure whether it would be better to have a specialist one but actually I’ve found this has worked well for me because a lot of my work has been on exploring other aspects that are also important like my connections with my friends and family and how I can improve these at times when due to infertility I have felt so alone. I only say this because some things I saw you mentioned about people viewing you as the strong one and therefore assuming you don’t need help. This is also something I can relate to. We can find ourselves in these roles - but sometimes it can be helpful to really communicate how you are feeling so that they understand. Even by saying something like, “I know you may think I’m the strong one, but I just want to let you know that I’m really struggling at the moment”. Can be really powerful. And for me that has opened up the dialogue and helped my friends & family to understand my experience/needs a lot better. You are so strong to have kept going on this difficult journey, don’t forget that! Take care and know we are all here for you and will never judge! xx
Hey, probably just going to echo what others have said but first off, you’re definitely not weak or pathetic, this is such a tough journey to be on and getting whatever help is needed is part of getting through that. Things that have helped me are 1) Being part of a fertility support group - so good to know your not alone and support each other through IVF cycles and beyond 2) Acupuncture - but really any form of alternative medicine that gives you some time to relax and another person who can also give some emotional support when you see them. 3) Counselling - this can be a tough one as sometimes you need to try a few people to find the right fit. The things that have helped me from this have been making a list of all the things you can do to make yourself happy and calm. Really basic stuff like reading a book, taking a bath, right up to having a massage or a meal out. Look at the list and pick something whenever you feel rubbish! Try to find some non fertility things to focus on - it’s so hard when your in the thick of it but diverting some energy away from this journey is really beneficial. There is more to life than this (although I know that’s easier said than done). Figuring out if there are things (and people) you are doing (seeing) which are making you feel worse, and reduce them - for me it was Facebook and I’ve now set a time limit on my phone! I’ve had a mixture of meetings with a clinical psychologist and a hypnotherapist at different times and both have benefited me. 4. Meditation apps just to give you some headspace - I find non ivf ones the best!! Insight timer is good for helping with sleep.
Wobbles are normal - even with all the support in the world, what we’re going through is hard and we’re allowed to cry when we need to let it out.
I think with all you’ve been through and the due date milestone upon you it’s only natural you are feeling this way. Sometimes allowing yourself not to be ok is what you need to do to release those thoughts and feelings that otherwise we bottle up. I get what you are saying about counselling from the clinic it’s very focussed on ivf and perhaps your GP could offer you some consistent helpful counselling - I’ve had cognitive behaviour therapy in the past and it’s helped me lots.
Also just to say you are such a brave and kind person who always thinks of others on here, I hope hope hope your time will come and you do get to do that sensitive post as I think you fully deserve it. xxx
Oh Daisy, bit late to read this as been busy with my Gran but just to add to all the amazing advice, finding a therapist and the right one that fits with you is the best thing.
I finally got referred after much waiting for what seems to be counseling following melt down post MC but 4 sessions in and it's no good for me. I'm returning to the psychotherapist I saw last year who is more intensive and more rigorous. There are a whole variety of therapists out there and different techniques personally I don't think counselling is deep enough, or CBT even, it's a tool but not a whole approach I don't think. In my experience counseling feels like someone is sympathetically listening to you talk about how you feel. Whereas with more dynamic approach , and more intensive therapy it feels like together you are rebuilding parts of you to be a better version of yourself, albeit through what's seems like uncomfortable interrogation at times !!
Anyway just my opinions and I know others have varying opinions but the point is if therapy hasn't helped enough so far then perhaps try a new therapeutic approach. It's got to be a relationship that works.
Good luck! And don't be hard on yourself your having a bloody hard enough time as it is...keeping everything crossed for your next cycle
Hi Daisy, I dont think I have any advice, but I just could not go on reading without answering. You dont need to feel sorry for your feelings, they are perfectly normal. I really wished I could say something to make you feel better, but maybe these responses showed you that you are definitely not alone and that there are many people who know about your IVF and your struggles and they are here for you.
Maybe you want to open up and tell friends and colleagues? This really made a huge difference for me when I had the feeling that I dont need to hide any longer.
what also helped me was to write down my thoughts and sent it to some people, because I always had the feeling that I am struggling with saying it. I even posted this in public (anonymously)...
I hope you have somebody to hold you tight, you are so strong!
Hey Daisy ... I know this was a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t read the replies to your heartfelt post, but .. I hope by now you h e found some strength and positivity in this all consuming difficult world of IVF.
I felt not to dissimilar not long ago and was advised that any councillor can help but there are those that specialise in fertlity and ivf ... counselling directory.org has fertlity as a filter to search by therapist ... I made contact and it has helped me.
Please reach out to me anytime you like ... I know and hear what you are saying about there not seeming to be anyone around you who understands, it’s the hardest thing to ever go through.
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