Hi All. Here’s a question. How open are you with family, friends and colleagues about your IVF journey? I find it really hard not to be- like it’s such a massive thing going on in my life that I find it hard to disguise from people I have meaningful relationships with. By meaningful I mean like close friends and very close colleagues, my boss and close family members like my mum and brother. Each time it doesn’t work it’s awful telling people it didn’t- I dread it. At the same time that pain I feel and the tears I shed when someone says they are sorry and they are there for me must be part of grieving? Like to some extent we can only process our feelings properly in relationship with others, but I also hate telling people it hasn’t worked and it takes me days of avoiding people to then tell them. It’s obviously a completely personal decision. What do you think? How private or open do you choose to be with others?
To tell or not to tell ?: Hi All. Here... - Fertility Network UK
To tell or not to tell ?
Hi lovely, I'm a massive over-sharer and have been really open with my friends and family about what we are going through... However as time has gone on (and still no BFP) I've started to be more vague and fob them off when they ask. I know they are all desperate for it to work for us too, but each time it doesn't, I feel like I'm not only disappointing myself and my husband but also everyone else! The pressure is unreal and the only person I'm totally honest with is my sister as we're really close. I'll happily natter to other IVFers til the cows come home because you guys get it. But others - I'm happy to just tell them WHEN it finally does work xx
This is my answer too! Hold back telling too many people because as the journey goes on and on and on and on it gets harder to have to keep everyone informed and it’s all people want to ask about. Tell a couple of people that you don’t see much 🤣 then it’ll be text updates which are easier🤣😂😂😂😂
We didn't tell anyone. I think there are pro's and cons. It meant I didn't have anyone asking how I was getting on, and when it didn't work I didn't have anyone excited for test day and then having to share that it hadn't worked. I also found a lot of people 'had a friend' who had IVF and their thought was that it was something quite simple and just a solution that guaranteed a baby.
The negatives were when we did get pregnant we had no one to tell, and then when we miscarried there was no one who knew, so I was having to carry on with life as if nothing had happened and I found that really difficult.
I am nearing the end of the road now, and its too late to really start telling people as so much water under the bridge. But in hindsight I wish I had had some support, and some understanding in family/friends and also just a trusted advisor at work - I think life would have been a lot easier and I would have felt a lot more supported and at least someone would have known why I am bonkers these days! xx
My best friend it that friend / oh surely they’ll just whack you some clomid. Erm no that’s not how it works
Hey, I’m an open person much of the time so my close friends and family are aware that we are going through this. But there’s only a small handful that I actually talk to about it as well, and those tend to be the ones that check in and ask me direct questions about how it’s all going (I find some are just fascinated by the process). My line manager at work is also aware as is my MD which I find helps me massively in the workspace (they get that this is a highly stressful situation and therefore can’t take on as much as I used to be able to). I tend to keep key dates such as transfer days or testing to myself and my husband only as there’s a lot of anxiety around that.
There are some things that I keep back to myself as to not terrify my friends who may be considering having a baby (hearing three unsuccessful transfers can scare people), and I also struggle to be open and honest with the ones that have babies or who I know just really don’t understand or the ones that I know will carelessly say something insensitive by accident. But they also don’t check in as much and when they do, it feels weird to say “well actually no, I’m not okay...” so I just close it off. Xx
I decided not to share with any of my family, I'll only tell them once (fingers crossed) we reach that crucial 12 week mark. I know they would all be very supportive, but I decided I didn't want the extra pressure of what it would bring. Work wise, I've been more open. I felt I needed to let them know what was happening to account for my appointments etc. I did ask them to be mindful of asking questions however and not ask me about test days. I've only shared with my manager and 1 close colleague that we're now expecting.
I'm grateful for the support I've received from my work colleagues.
Ultimately, it's a very personal choice for you to decide how open you want to be. Xx
I tell people - I can’t be bothered to lie anymore and to be honest it helps remove the stigma around infertility. I’m quite general about it though. - I find saying “I’m doing IVF” because most people don’t have a clue what It involves they then don’t know the specific date of egg collection or transfer so no awkward conversation when it hasn’t worked. Of course it does mean your boss most likely knows if it does work a lot sooner than the typical 12 weeks. But I have a very good relationship with my male boss so I told him as a friend that it had worked and then told him officially for employment purposes at 12 weeks. He was happy to keep it quiet as I’d had several miscarriages before
Thanks for sharing. Really interesting range of approaches. I guess it is totally individual and we have to do what works best for us. XxX
1st round did tell. I hated having to update people of the level of progress, seeing their faces, listening to "oh my friend had ivf and it worked" stories and hearing " oh i am sorry" i found it stressful and took me longwr to process the failure as had to keep talking about it. 2nd round told nobody except my work as needed time off. It was honestly so much better, i felt more relaxed and seeing their faces when we produced a scan picture was just amazing. It is really a personal choice and alot of people find it helpful to share their journey with friends etc all the best of luck xx
Hii, I told everyone everything! It was so helpful. It's a very personal choice but I think it helps to share. It allows people to be considerate and mindful because they know what you're going through. Saying that now we've got to point of doing the transfers we've told people we're going to keep this part to ourselves. Both because I don't want to tell the world if it fails and I don't want to tell people immediately if I find out im pregnant. Maybe just let people know you're going through fertility treatment but don't want to go into the details of transfers etc? Xx
My mum knows I’m doing ivf but she doesn’t know the exact dates, and neither do any of my friends. I can’t deal with the pressure of test dates etc. It’s easier that they know I’m a bit sensitive and going through a lot but without them knowing my every move, if that makes sense. I’m on down reg for my first cycle at the moment, and the other day someone helpfully told me “I should get on with having kids, I don’t want to be an old mum”. I’ve just turned 35. I was devastated and wanted to scream at them the full details but couldn’t.
From others I spoken to it seems generally easier to not tell everyone exactly what’s going on, purely because it’s so hard if it turns out to be BFN.
I started off quite open but with each failure I told and less and less people as I always felt that people didn’t truly understand the pain! Then both times I fell pregnant we didn’t tell anyone I was having the transfer xxx
I tell close friends and family, and 1 trusted adviser at work. I find it helps to share and to explain when I’m feeling really shit! I need the support and although it’s hard when it doesn’t work, I feel it’s better that they know what’s going on and can be there for you in good times and bad. It’s a personal choice though. Best of luck xx
I tell anyone and everyone (huge over-sharer!) but I find it helps me to do that and I fully appreciate other people like to keep it private. My best friend and her husband told nobody at all, not even their parents, so it really does depend what suits you. Like you say, the downside of telling people is then having to say if it didn’t work, but for me, I feel it helps if people know why I’m sad at work or not my usual self and everyone has been genuinely kind and supportive. I also find it amazing that whenever I start talking about IVF how many people are also on the journey or know someone. However you choose to approach it, best of luck with your next cycle xx
I’m currently on stims for my third cycle.Our first we were quite an open book, which made it quite traumatic when the cycle failed spectacularly as we felt we were managing everyone else’s expectations and emotions as well as our own.
Second cycle we kept completely to ourselves. It was successful but I had an MMC at 9 weeks. On the whole we found it easier keeping it to ourselves and being in that bubble. It was difficult telling family and close friends about the miscarriage when they didn’t know we had done more treatment, but I don’t think it would ever be easy to break that news.
This cycle we have also chosen to keep it secret. Immediate line management know at work to help with managing appointments etc and one very close friend each for myself and my husband (mine was because we also work together and she can read me like a book so there would have been no hiding it, my husbands was because we thought it important he had someone he could talk to if he needed, especially with us using donor this time). We are really hoping that if it’s successful this time round we can announce after the 12 week scan.
Ultimately you need to do what works best for you. Even though a lot of the processes may be similar, we all respond in different ways and the experience affects us differently xx
I’ve told friends and family that we are doing IVF and my mum is more aware of the time line (I’ve only just started my first long protocol cycle) so I’ll tell her when we do egg collection etc but she is a nurse so understands, my friends are quite good at not asking unless I want to talk. However I’m having to keep it secret at work which is a headache, but I work in a small company, I’m the only woman and we have been badly hit by covid it feels to risky to tell them I’m trying to get pregnant!
My immediate family know as we are very close, and 5 friends of ours know.
My in laws don’t know, and if we are successful they will be told it just happened they won’t be told we had IVF - their in their 80’s so don’t need to worry about things like that.
Only a few of my bosses know, only because I needed to be away from the office but if I had a choice they wouldn’t know. Non of mine of my husbands colleagues nor my colleagues know because we figured it was none of their business. We are very private people.
I’m currently 10 weeks + 3 and tbh 🤞we make it to the 12 week mark, there will be no big announcements the only extra people that need to know will be my in laws so that’s who will be told
The only people we told were my parents and my boss who I am very close too and she has been so supportive. My partners family knew we were having fertility treatment but they didn’t know when. You do need some support though so be open with someone your close too ❤️❤️❤️❤️
We are starting ivf next month unless th baby dust works this month but have been trying for 18 months. My family know about it but I find it weirdly easier to talk to random people about it! My closest friends don’t know but random nursery mums do haha! I did also tell my boss as I felt it would make it all easier to manage give number of appointments it will require etc xx
I haven't told anyone, my sister knows but she found out by mistake. I wouldn't like people asking me how it's going all of the time I'm a private person. And especially when it fails updating people etc I find it enough pressure as it is lol but I do lack support and do struggle at times so it's a very personal choice and sometimes speaking about things like this can massively help a person. Defo pros and cons ❤
I kept it all to myself but after two failed IUI’s and one failed round of IVF in a year I’ve now told people about the 3 failed attempts. When I had a successful IUI back into 2017, I didn’t tell anyone till I was 20 weeks gone.
I have been quite open with immediate family and friends, but I do regret it. My family has been great, but its fair to say that apart from one friend, none of them have really been there for me. So on top of everything else, that has been hurtful and taken up a fair amount of my emotional energy. On reflection I wish I hadn't been quite so open for that reason, but on the other hand, it has been very revealing about who is worth keeping around and who isn't.
Hiya... I kept it to one of my BFs and my partners sister that's it. I can't face the non stop questions then the pressure of the result etc. X
I could have written your question. I feel exactly the same and now find it so hard telling people especially as I always feel that they are waiting for us to share good news and I honestly don’t know if that will ever happen after 8 transfer and 3 miscarriages. We had taken a break and now started on another fresh round but again it’s not something I can now bring myself to share in case they all expect it to work this time. I like being open but the constant failures is hard as they all want it as much as me. It’s a hard one. This group has really helped me get my feeling down and feel free to continue sharing with us whatever you decide xx
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