Not sure if I am being super sensitive and over reacting but here goes...
My partner and I have tried to keep knowledge of our IVF very quiet- all on a need to know basis, immediate family and 3 close friends who we trusted. Then last week I found out from an old friend I lost touch with that my best friend had told someone else who told someone else then it spread like wildfire so everyone knows our troubles. It was so surreal to hear what’s been happening to us from another person I don’t even speak to anymore. Feeling super hurt, betrayed and have zero trust now.
People who fall pregnant naturally don’t understand and can be so ignorant. I just don’t know if I can continue this friendship. I have been so loyal to her and wouldn’t dream of spreading her business around.
I would be happy to talk about IVF if it had been successful but so far it’s just left me traumatised and extremely sad. And now I absolutely dread the thought of walking around the supermarket bumping into people who a) are pregnant, have kids or even both and b) know about our fertility issues without me wanting them to know!
I W ould like to crawl under a rock at this stage. For me people I don’t associate with anymore knowing our IVF struggles just increases the anxiety and sadness. And there’s no way to take it back.
Has this happened to anyone else? If so, what did you do?
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Your not being super sensitive at all!! You are completely right when you say people who get pregnant naturally do not understand, I’ve had to try and drum this into my mother!!
The only people that know about our IVF are close family, five close friends and I needed to inform some of my bosses at work because of needing time off - my in laws are in their 80’s and don’t even know.
We have ate 15 weeks + 1 with a donor egg, the only people that know we have been successful are the people that knew we were having IVF, and we have told my in laws, but they think it’s happened naturally
I’ve been away from the office since January, long story short I fell out with my line manager and was told to work at home because he didn’t like the fact that I had lost complete and utter confidence in him, and had spoken to our department boss about our IVF who really wanted to help and said I could work from home - anyway part of our cycle I needed to do a medicated monitored cycle, which was like a trial run, I sent my line manager the hospital information about this, which was before Christmas, after Christmas I started this trial. He kicked off claiming I hadn’t informed him or sent him any info - he copied my department boss in, which his PA’s have access to his email - if you put that in Google it comes up with IVF straight away - so one of the PA’s has blabbed it and it’s apparently got round where I worked
So my new boss has had a word about people’s medical confidentiality as I was furious, if I wanted these people to know I would have told them, and I said this to this boss who sent the email it’s none of peoples business!! If anyone asks me I will deny all knowledge as unfortunately there is still a stigma attached to having IVF.
I know I’m not going back to where I worked as I’ll be starting with another department- so I cut all ties with them!!
If I were you I would front your friend out, telling them that they have completely breached your trust, to the point they couldn’t be trusted with your last rolo, let alone personal information! If anyone asks you about it who you haven’t told, deny all knowledge and say they must be mistaken - a bit of damage limitation
Thanks for replying!Massive congrats first of all 💕💕
That is horrifying!!! I genuinely can’t believe people would be so stupid then to have it spread around is mind blowing. Like it’s mean?! Thank goodness you are starting in a new department - fresh start definitely needed!
I text her absolutely furious on Thursday to let her know I knew and I can’t even bring myself to read the replies 😥 scared of the allll the emotions. And there’s the ‘walk all over’ side of me that thinks ‘everyone makes mistakes, don’t make her feel bad’ but I’m absolutely gutted and can’t pretend it’s going to be ok. X
Don’t feel bad about making your mate feel bad, if my mate did that I’d ditch her straight away!! Life’s too short to be dealing with people who can’t keep their trap shut, when you w told them something in confidence x
Hi sorry to hear this. I didn’t tell my family for this reason. I have told 3 close friendsAnd would be gutted if it got out. Do you know who said something? I’d be having a word with them x
Yeah she knows I know it came from her. This has definitely made me more aware for the next transfer and scared to leave the house never mind open my mouth. Also made me question if I should stop ivf, give up my dream of being pregnant with our baby and for my wife to try and carry (we are very fortunate to have 2 wombs and 2 sets of eggs). The disappointment is a little overwhelming at the minute and I’m confused 🤦🏻♀️
Don’t let your friend’s gossiping make you think you shouldn’t try or continue IVF. Only decide that if mentally and physically it’s the right thing for you. Honestly I’d be so annoyed if someone broke my trust like that. I haven’t told my mum because of the reasons some people have written here. Don’t want to be gossiped about with her friends and I would never tell my brother ANYTHING. He can’t keep a secret and would tell everyone. Anyway it is what it is. There’s pros and cons of telling not telling people. So my brother has just had a little girl and that’s been difficult and the fact that my mum doesn’t know and I’ve been really unwell:… but I’d still rather not tell them. And that’s just what’s best for me. Hang on in there xx
My mums known from the start and told a couple of her close friends.
We decided that no one extra needed to know about our current progress as we are 15 weeks + 1
My mum stated she couldn’t understand why we are being so secretive about it, this really annoyed me!! I had to try and explain to her we weren’t being secretive, otherwise we wouldn’t have told anyone, I sad those that we wanted to know, know and that’s it - I said does it change anyone’s life that we are pregnant- no - so why would they need to know?! 🤷♀️
I said to her unlike people who get pregnant normally, they can enjoy it and seem completely either blaze or oblivious to the ‘risky’ journey they are on
I said to her, When you’ve been through IVF, especially several rounds of it and had vastly more disappointments then joys then maybe you wouldn’t want to be telling loads of people as your setting yourself up to fail!
So she tells me today that she’s told another couple of friends, who knew we were trying - so I exclaimed you’ve told more people then we have!!!!!
She’s then saying I haven’t said anything to her friend in the same street, I said she doesn’t need to know - she said well she will see you getting bigger, I said I’ll deal with that when the time comes
Again although we are 15 weeks we still have a long rocky road, which again I’ve had to remind her of
I know she might be excited - more so then I am as like everyone it’s a stressful journey
This happened to me too! I told close family, a few of my best friends and some close work colleagues. I took a week off work and when I got back the entire place knew about our IVF. I was absolutely horrified and the more people that knew the more alone I actually felt? I don’t know if you feel that too. It’s so so isolating.
I also have a stepson who is 12 and we’ve not told him about the ivf as I think it’s cruel to give him hope of a sibling, however everytime my MIL comes around she openly mentions it in front of him. She will say how are your injections going etc and my stepson of course will ask, so I lie and say I’m having vitamin shots!! My partner has spoken to her but she just continues to do it and it just blows my mind that people can be so careless with such a delicate subject.
I think the hardest part about so many people knowing for me is you can’t escape it with anyone. You can’t pretend it’s not happening and they’re none the wiser. It always feels like it’s there lingering in the background, like I’m just waiting for someone to bring it up constantly to the point where I feel like I have to update them just to get it out of the way. Or I have to make it clear that I don’t want to talk about it and then I feel like I’m being difficult!?
I also think people just cannot comprehend what we’re going through. So many people say ‘just do IVF’ ‘oh your just doing IVF?’ Oh my godddd the word JUST drives me INSANE. JUST!? as if it’s so trivial. Oh I’m just popping to the shops, oh I’m just doing ivf. 😂😂 I try and deal with it by thinking positively and hoping that no one has bad intentions when they’re gossiping. And also by some big mouth spreading it around my workplace a colleague also approached me as she is going through the same thing so that brought us together. Every cloud!
That is awful! It’s a very isolating experience and there is no where to hide. The thought of people talking about others ivf without their knowledge makes me wither to be honest. Also let’s the paranoia set in.
I also feel like an idiot because when people I didn’t know knew about our ivf have asked how I have been, I say oh can’t complain...while behind closed doors I’m a blubbering mess!
MIL...🤦🏻♀️, nightmare. How is she not walking on eggshells by now! Lovely you are so considerate of your step sons feelings though💕.
Oh the ‘just’ kills me everytime...so many people say ‘oh it just never happened for them’ like it was ok and that couple weren’t totally devastated and never got the answers or outcome they needed for closure. X
My mum has been going around telling EVERYONE we're struggling to conceive and she's also been telling people we're starting IVF. She genuinely doesn't understand why it's wrong to tell random strangers, as well as people we know, our business. Her justification was, "but I'm asking people to pray for you. God might listen to their prayers." At that point, I realised she's insane and there's really no point arguing with her. I live in a different city and I don't have to interact with any of these people so it was easier for me to let it slide.
It sounds like you run the risk of bumping into people who now know your fertility status and I completely understand why this is making you feel anxious.
I would absolutely let your friend know what she has done is wrong and is now causing you a lot of distress. She deserves to know the impact her gossiping is having on you. I know gossiping is a strong word, but sharing someone else's personal information is gossiping. You don't need acquaintances and distant friends asking you questions about ongoing treatment. There are no guarantees with IVF and it's physically and emotionally exhausting. Shame on your friend for putting an extra burden on you.
Hi lovely, I totally understand where you are coming from. It's so frustrating and no one else's business. I experienced this a little (my own fault) because when we started IVF, I naively thought that it would work first time, so told anyone who asked. 5 transfers in and still no pregnancy and I stopped telling anyone and was just super vague with the details, because I was starting to feel ashamed that my body wasn't doing what everyone else seemingly found really easy. But I decided to have a bit of a mindset change. I'm actually super proud of myself for going through all that we've been through - it's one of the toughest, emotional and draining experiences I'll likely (hopefully) ever face. And when people ask me if I'm going to have kids I tell them all - because I want them to know that it's not easy for everyone and some people have to put themselves through hell to make a family. You should be very proud of yourself for what you've been through and you should tell other people that too! xx
Thanks - this post has definitely made me think differently and it’s a very brave mindset to have. I’ve got so in my own head / putting pressure on myself / scared of crying in front of anyone - totally unnecessary of course! I’m in a same sex relationship so there was never going to be a surprise pregnancy 😂
Good for you speaking out and I wish you allll the luck 💕💕
OMG the amount of pressure we put on ourselves is insane - we go through so much. I know what you mean about crying in front of people - I always want to be seen as strong - almost to prove to myself and others that this is ok - I'm handling it!! But I did have a meltdown on a friend when another very close friend told me she was pregnant, and it actually felt good to cry. I really needed it and it opened up our friendship even more. Going through IVF does funny things to us all - but if we can come out of it stronger, then that's a huge silver lining in my opinion xxx
Hey 👋🏼,
People can be real jerks!!!
It’s not hard enough that we have to endure the questions like “When are you going to have kids”, or “I take it you don’t want kids then?”, or “any babies yet?”, or my personal favourite; “wow you’d better hurry up, you’re leaving it a bit late”.
Outside I used to smile and come up with an excuse. Inside I was punching them straight in the face 👊🏼 Lol. Now I tell people what we are going through and leave the awkwardness and gulping for them to deal with, and not me.
Some people have shocked me with their support and welcoming of whatever we decide to do - but some people still infuriate me with the dreaded “JUST”… a recent one “oh well if you can JUST have a donor egg, then that’s fine, easy - what are you even worried about?”.
On some level I feel like people can’t help with putting their feet in their mouths… because supporting a loved-one going through this doesn’t come with a handbook and so people need to do their own research on how to be supportive with this. My family asked how they can help and my response; no advice please (I’ve heard probably all there is EG knees up etc!!). JUST be a shoulder for us when we break down.
As for your friend; I agree with everyone else; that’s really bad of her. So I would also enlighten her about her wrong-doing. It’s the best way to make her learn, appreciate and feel as embarrassed as she made you feel.
If it gives you any contrast; I’ve recently learnt that most people will feel sad that you’re going through this, even the gossipers. Some people talk about it with others as a way of collectively acknowledging your pain at the moment and discussing how you are interacting with them and how they can help/ avoid the topic. I don’t know your friends’ intention, but I hope it was from a good place.
What is wrong with people 🤦🏻♀️ Being a recluse doesn’t sound so bad some days 😂
Setting boundaries with family is so important as we all have ups and downs and the last thing you want on a goodish kind of day is to be brought down. Wish I’d known this before my (very sweet) dad brought a daughter of a friend around to talk about her multiple failed rounds of IVF, DE and miscarriage- bless her socks, must have been awful for her!!
Thanks for replying- the support of all the lovely ladies on here is such a comfort.
Yeah this forum is so great for support.. has really helped me too.Oh my gosh - that must have been so hard for both of you! I know what you mean about being a recluse - going through all of this and not seeing everyone (lockdown) has been hard, but equally it makes it easy to hide away when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and have a few low days. Just keep concentrating on yourself love and forget about the people around you for a while. Good luck with your journey… will be keeping everything crossed for you x 🌺
To Be honest I’ve always been brutally honest about my struggles - whether it was miscarriages or ectopics or IVF. I couldn’t be bothered to lie to people about why I’d didn’t have children or why I needed a particular day off or why I was off “sick” . I’m not ashamed or embarrassed I was just bloody tired and I suppose a bit angry about it all and didn’t want to add having to sugar coat real life for people to everything else I was dealing with. I think the “blissfully fertile” should know that not everyone gets pregnant with a healthy baby whenever they want and also i find confronting someone with the uncomfortable truth stops them asking other people in the future why they don’t have children etc
I appreciate not everyone is like me though and if you wanted it to stay private and made that clear to the people you did tell then they should have respected your wishes
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