Which way to go next?

[PurpleOctober]

Hi,

I miscarried 4 weeks ago. 1 round of ICSI gave us 2 embryos. 1st transfer didn't take, 2nd made it to 9 weeks pregnancy. I opted for natural miscarriage but ended up having intervention anyway. 4 weeks on I am still getting a lot of abdominal pain, occasional spasm, but the pain and lack of sleep are preventing my processing of the grief and emotional upset. My Mum & husband are both geographically away from me but telephone daily. Each accuses the other of not supporting me. My Mum said yesterday that she doesn't think my husband loves me enough for us to be having a baby at all, because he left to go job hunting in Ireland 4 days after the MC.

I don't know whether we should try ICSI again, either here or in Ireland if my husband gets a new job there. We have also talked about adopting.

What if my Mum is right, and the trauma of ICSI & miscarriage has just spotlighted the flaws in our marriage. I'm struggling to think straight, get tearful over the littlest things and just wish my family would stop competing and start supporting instead.

Sorry, today is just one of those bad days, tomorrow will hopefully be better. Thanks to you all, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[MissSaoPaulo]

Sweetie, you're grieving and your head is nowhere near in the right place to be making any major decisions about anything. Focus on looking after yourself, physically and emotionally, and leave the big decisions - marriage/ICSI/adoption for when you're feeling stronger and have more of a perspective xxx

[Lu1u]

Oh hun- you poor thing!!! Im so sorry you are in this situation! .. totally unhelpful of mother and husband but they are both prob feeling very sad and helpless too and are just projecting blame onto each other.. don’t forget tho that men are really effected too - but deal with grief and difficult situations in a completely different way to us! Often they feel they need to ‘fix’ things by proving their worth in other ways- like finding a job- or spending all day in the gym (my DH), or retreating into whatever man cave they are into! They often can’t express themselves emotionally as well as we can and try to remain strong in front of us - (which can seem uncaring) - but it’s because they don’t know how else to process things and these ‘roles’ have been imprinted since childhood! .. it’s just my opinion from my experiences (and break ups during ivf!) and subsequent counselling.. anyway just wanted to say try not to over think your husband or mums behaviour- people deal with things in different ways and I’m sure they both love you very much! Of course this is a stressful time- but instead of looking at it highlighting flaws in your relationship- use it to better understand and support each other- then you will be stronger for it!! But this is between you and your husband- so right now just look after yourself and each other! Sending you all the best xxx

[Novice_knitter in reply to Lu1u]

Yes! ☝️

[Novice_knitter]

Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear all this. My mum gets very protective of me - i.e needs to hear what my OH is doing all the time to support me. She lives 5hr drive away so think that makes it worse for her - she’s far away and wants to make sure I’m looked after really well. She gets quite judgemental if he goes away etc... I wonder whether your mum might be doing the same? Only you will know the answer to this though...

While you’re grieving it will be hard to know where your head is at. If you don’t know what to do/think at the moment, then maybe don’t do anything rash and just give yourself the time you need to think things through.

It might be that your hubby is keen to get work stuff settled ahead of your next round so he can be more supportive?

I’m just throwing ideas out there - hope you manage to work things out.

I’m so sorry about you MC, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. I hope these wounds heal and you can move forwards when you’re ready xxxx

[Elynn]

Oh my word as if you havnt got enough to contend with. Is there is history of competitive feuding between your mum and husband ?

Men really deal with grief so differently, you need some space together. So sorry you are dealing with this. Can you get some counselling do you have an unbiased friend to support you. ?

Your hormones are shot for now, emotions running riot...try and get close to hubby. My mum use to say, fight the problem not each other. 🌺 wish I g you all the best.