Im sorry if this is a little long! I’d love your advice so please bear with me…. I’m 41 and on my second marriage after having prioritised a successful relationship over getting pregnant younger. I’ve been married 4 years and have been trying to get pregnant for most of that time. Last year the NHS discovered issues with my fallopian tubes, it meant extremely high chance of ectopic pregnancy so it was decided my best chance of getting pregnant was through ivf, but I would have to have my tubes removed as the issue would most likely cause ivf to fail.mice now had both tubes removed and ivf is my only option. Due to my age the NHS would only support us through one fresh cycle of ivf and I was very lucky that we also managed to get 2 frozen cycles on NHS as well. Unfortunately all have resulted in negative pregnancy tests.My husband and I are now having to have very difficult conversations around the cost of continuing. My clinic offers a package through a third party which will basically cost us £10k for 2 fresh cycles.During the pandemic my husband lost his job and was out of work for a year. He now has a job which pays well, but he has to work away for weeks at a time. We generally see each other every 3 weeks for a long weekend. His priority has been to earn as much as he can, over pay on our mortgage, and get us as financially stable as we can be. Trying to cover what we list in the pandemic and future proof is for an expected interest hike when our mortgage fixed rate ends next year. Ivf and is basically barely seeing each other over the last year has put a huge strain on our relationship. We have agreed to invest in a proper holiday this summer and get some much needed time together. But this also means we are struggling to figure out where the money will come from for ivf. My husband is working so hard, trying to get enough money out away that he doesn’t have to keep working so far away. And now we need 10k for ivf he feels like all the pressure is on him to provide. I should add I earn good money myself, but I can’t earn the kind of money he does by being away.Obviously at my age time is the most important factor in getting pregnant. But we just don’t have the money, and understandably my husband does not want to be working so hard, just got us to get into dept for ivf. I should hard he also has a beautiful 10yr old daughter who I love dearly, but she doesn’t live with us, and I’m not her mum. If it wasn’t for my desire to be a mum, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. My husband does not share the same burning desire I have. So his view is often coming from the money side of things.How do I know if pushing forward with ivf is right ? It may come at the detriment of my marriage, as my husband will be forced to work away even more. I don’t want him to resent me. Equally how can I give up on being a mum over money. Right now we have agreed to give it a few months, have a family holiday in the summer and see how we feel. Even waiting till then is killing me but I feel like I owe it to my husband to give us some time. When will I be too old to keep this up? Feeling a little lost and would love some advice x
when is it time to stop trying? - Fertility Network UK
when is it time to stop trying?
Difficult time for you and your husband Was counselling offered while you were on treatment and did you take advantage of it ? Might be worthwhile having more counselling bica.net [British Infertility Counselling Association] can offer this It is not a free service but they are all specially trained in counselling people with fertility issues and their relationships . For more support there is a closed facebook group you might find helpful facebook.com/groups/40andov...
Thinking of you
Janet
Hey,
This is a really difficult situation and it’s sad that people have to go through IVF and having a baby relies on finances. I also had two fresh round on NHS and these failed. Myself and my partner decided that we would pay for some extra testing and another round as we felt we would regret it, but it doesn’t come without it strains. My partner has worked hard with over time but we will have to also get a third party finance option (Gaia) to pay the rest of the rounds as they cover medication as well, may be worth you looking into as well if monthly instalments would be easier? I always think, would you regret it? And at least you’ve given it your all. We are only doing one more round as this is all we can afford to do. I hope your ok, it’s a long and strenuous journey so make sure you communicate with your family and friends x
thank you so much for your message and for taking the time to reply! I think it is becoming harder and harder because my husband would be perfectly happy if I said I was happy to stop trying. The real desire for a child is coming from me as much as he supports it. But it is him that has to work himself into the ground to make it happen which I feel bad about. And he is really against finance with high interest rates as he has worked so hard to secure our future with an expected mortgage hike. The fact it comes down to money feels quite sickening. He is also worried about my age and the health of any potential baby, which any doctor has to warn you against. So that’s really highlighted in his thoughts. I think it would be best for our relationship if I took the pressure off by saying I’m happy to stop, but I have no idea what my purpose is if I don’t get to become a mother. It’s feels impossible.
Oh lovely I’m so sorry your feeling like this. It sounds as though your husband is really supportive though and surely if he wasn’t on board with IVF he wouldn’t be trying so hard to earn the money for it? I wouldn’t let age stop you, loads of people on here your age conceive! A colleague of mine had a baby a 39 and 41 unexpectedly, it can happen! I know your circumstances are different as it sounds you will definitely need IVF for a pregnancy, maybe have a sit down with your husband about pros and cons but ultimately if you have a burning desire to be a mum, perhaps give it one last go. Wishing you all the luck lovely💖xx
Don’t give up on your desire to be a Mother. More Money can always be made.. yes it can be stressful but remember it’s only money. Your desire to be a mother is more important and you deserve to be a Mother. I was in a similar situation (husband has 2 children from a previous marriage) so his desire was not as strong as he is already a father.. so whilst he supported me, it sometimes felt like it was my own journey. We had 3 failed rounds, we almost gave up partly due to finance but also the stress and pressure.
I wanted to continue so we agreed to do another round. From this round we had a much better cycle and although the 4th fresh transfer failed we managed to get 3 frozen embryos and we had never had any frozen before. We had a 6 month break, enjoyed ourselves and had time away from ivf (in this time I also had some final tests done and an endometrial scratch) Feb 23 had an FET and I am now 9 * weeks pregnant.
I never thought it would work for us after 4 failed transfers.
Don’t give up. X
this as amazing thank you! I do agree that more money can be made, it’s just herd when it’s my husband that’s the one who has to work away for weeks at a time in order to do it. I earn good money but the majority cones from him. So it’s more pressure on him when he would be happy to say stop. At 41.5 having a break feels impossible but I think I owe it to my husband to let things settle a bit. We’ve kind of agreed to wait 4 months and talk again. In that time we will have a proper holiday, see more of each other and hopefully get back on track! But in the back of my head I also know time really is of the essence! So hard!!!
At 41 you need to prioritise ivf ahead of holidays, I’m sorry but the reality is that every month is a month lost, I would maybe look for 3 cycle banking option I think this would be better value. Clinic prices vary massively. Good luck!
holidays to help secure my marriage, considering my husband works away for weeks at a time and ivf is taking a toll on our relationship. I know only too well that at 41 I need to prioritise ivf, I’m told at every appointment that my age is an issue, but do I do that and forsake my marriage. Constantly being told that age is an issue and not listening to anything else a person going through this says is not helpful. I’m not sure you read my post very well and it’s actually comments like this which aren’t actually helping me.
For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing taking some time out. Yes 41 is an age when we need to start thinking about keeping on with things, but equally a few months won't necessarily make all the difference and your mental health and the quality of your relationship can make all the difference when it comes to a round being successful or not. I was still doing own egg IVF at 43 and being told I wasn't 'old' anymore in the scheme of things. I think using this time to work out pro's vs con's of having a child for you is really key to your future and I think it's excellent use of your time. It sounds horribly linear and brutal but I got to a stage in my journey where I literally needed to spend time working out the pros and cons of both but equally reminding myself there was an amazing life for me out there even if I didn't manage to have children, something I had lost sight of.
If you do decide to go again I know there are a lot of finance packages out there that seem to be really good x
thank you for your lovely message! Some else replied earlier today which really bugged me. Basically telling me that I’m 41 and if I want a baby then that should be more important than having a holiday! Just feels like totally the wrong thing to say to someone. Cost, and the pressure it puts on my marriage has to be considered as much as I desperately want to be a mum. My husband worries about us being told when the child is a teenager and all that. It all needs to be thought about. I do desperately want to be a mum, and right now I can’t see what my purpose in life would be if that future isn’t mine, but the less emotional abd more sensible side of me tells me i would figure that out. I guess right now I just don’t want to know! It’s hard to make rational decisions on something so fuelled by emotion x
I’m also told I have a really good egg reserve. So I’m hoping a few months won’t be too much of an issue. I’m fit and healthy, and taking all the correct supplements etc
I think everyone on here means well and you won’t always get the exact response you want but I think best intentions are always behind any replies 🤞
Everyone’s situation is a little bit different and nothing is black and white. We can get lots of advice on here re: ivf experiences but when it comes to our relationships, finances and mental well-being , we can only know what’s best ourselves.
If you feel a holiday is best for you both right now, then do it. Your fertility isn’t going to drop off instantly and you’ve said you’ve got a good egg reserve so that’s a plus comparing to most at your age. Your relationship with your husband is important and sometimes it’s good to have a little break for both you and him .
When my husband and I married 11 years ago we both decided we would have 2 children together. We were both previously married and I had one child and he had 2 from our previous marriages. I was able to get pregnant right away but couldn’t get pregnant with our 2nd after years of trying. We were both getting older and had 4 kids between us so my husband convinced me to be happy with the family we already had. Long story short, my oldest passed away a little over a year ago and my youngest doesn’t have any other siblings that live close. My youngest is 10 yo and my stepkids are 19 and 22 but we live in different states. My oldest was 22 but he would spend a lot of time playing and doing things with my youngest. My hubby and I decided to try again and are now doing IVF. We both regret not trying harder when we were younger. The point is that, in my case, nothing really took my desire to have children away and as time went on I felt more and more like my life wasn’t complete. I always envisioned myself with at least 3 of my own children that I can raise and grow up with. It’s been a financial struggle for us too but I don’t think you can put a price on having the family you’ve always wanted. Money comes and goes but family is priceless.
oh I’m so so sorry for your loss. That must be incredibly hard, beyond words!!
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I just feel so unsure what to do right now. Age is an issue, I might be 43 by the time we fall pregnant, just feels a bit impossible. But we do have our first implications counselling chat tomorrow so I’m hoping for the start of some kind of clarity x
only you can really know the full picture of your finances but I would say that if it was a choice between IVF and overpaying on the mortgage I know what I would (and did) choose. (I remortgaged the first time to pay for 2 rounds and then took a further bank loan out for the further 3). You have to ask yourself what you will regret more? We can’t take money and assets with us when we go so for me i would have regretted more not trying to the absolute limit my finances would allow x
hi, I think stress and pressure can have a negative affect. A break will do you good and put you in a good mindset to continue on with your journey. Regarding age, I had my first when I was 41 and pregnant with my second at 43. It can happen, and you are not old! Take care xx
my husband is probably more concerned with my age than I am tbh. Doctors fling around works like abnormal cells and it freaks him out. As a woman this kind of terminology is used all the time with smear tests etc, so it’s less scary but he is genuinely worried about my age and the health implications that puts into a child.
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