Feeling so low. : Today I am struggling... - Fertility Network UK

Fertility Network UK

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Feeling so low.

Emma04
Emma04

Today I am struggling. After our bad news on Thursday I can’t seem to focus. We’ve had four rounds of icsi now the last two has ended with a bfp but I’ve miscarried both. I feel as if our time will never come, I am so sad for the baby we lost in August too and with the expected due date coming up in a month or so I’m struggling. I’m trying to keep busy but when I’m home I want to be out and when I’m out I want to be at home. We went out yesterday and I ended up crying uncontrollably in the middle of the shops.

I’ve been reading some of the ladies stories on here trying to reassure myself that happy endings do happen but I just actually don’t believe it’ll happen for us anymore and I’m scared.

I’m sorry for the really unhelpful/ unnecessary post and I know many people on here have had such a harder struggle than us, but I feel I had to write it down somewhere and I know lots of you will understand.

If you’ve got this far thanks for reading and I wish you all the best for 2019. xxx

18 Replies
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Aw bless you it sounds like youve had a really tough time. I havent experienced the loss of a misscarriage but I know this fertility journey has left me in tears many days.

I dont have any advice other than I suppose its ok to break down every now and again, were only human at the end of the day.

If im having a really down day ill say to myself.. ok Ill give into it today, ill be really miserable and fully feel those feelings and sulk around all day without feeling guilty, cry as much as I need, watch sad movies, eat all the chocolate BUT I always allow myself only one day, the next day it time to give myself a shake and start over.

Maybe thats silly I dunno but it helps keep my bad days to a minimum while still taking the time to be miserable when i need to be xi

Emma04
Emma04 in reply to aamiller405

Thank you, do you know that’s actually very good advice as I think sometimes I get so cross with myself for feeling so upset and that does make it worse. Perhaps today’s a day to crack open the smarties and sit on the sofa with crappy tv and let it happen.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your dreams too xx

Oh Emma, that post was really upsetting to read. To know someone else hurts as much, wanting something I want just as badly and not able to. I too have been trying for 6 years now with couple of failed IVF and one natural bfp then miscarried. It's an emotional journey. One of my friends have been trying for 10 years and have just had a baby so I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I have a note on my phone with all the things I am thankful for in my life and also what kind of things to make me feel better (i.e cooking, a bath, organise a meeting with friend/family etc). It is really hard though. Have you used the counselling service the fertility place offers? I didn't but I feel maybe I should have. Do you have people you can talk to?

Like aamiller said, it's ok to breakdown every now and again. We are all here for you. Anytime.

Emma04
Emma04 in reply to Lumie

Thank you Lumie and I am so very sorry to upset you. I have used the counselling serivce we were really lucky and got in on Friday to see a lovely lady and we are booked in for more sessions. For me that helped a little that day but I feel I need to talk and I was ok then as I could but it’s all building up inside again if that makes sense?

I think a list of things that make me feel better is a good idea and I’m going to start that today.

I’m so sorry your journey has been so tough it’s just not fair is it?

Lumie
Lumie in reply to Emma04

Don't be silly, it's ok for the upset. I think it reminds me that there's a lot of people out there feeling like me and that I'm not the only one.

I am glad you are using the counseling service. I understand that your building up inside. Do you have any friends/family to talk to about it whilst your not seeing the counselor? Just to keep you topped up. Or write it in a book? Last year was horrible.

It isn't fair. Life isn't fair. But we have to make do with the situation we are faced with. You are already stronger than you know. We will get through this. Hope you a feeling better.

Oh my lovely, I’m so sorry life has been so cruel. You have experienced so much sadness and pain. It is ok to let yourself be sad and cry every day if you need to. So often, we feel we must be stronger and move on but my lovely you are grieving and you must give yourself the permission to grieve. Do something nice for yourself, take care, wrap yourself up in cotton wool ..,, do whatever it takes.

When the time feels right, you and your partner should sit down and make a plan of nice things to do together. A walk in that wood nearby you’ve not done before, or visit a town or village you’ve not been to before, book tickets to see cineba/comedy/musical show, find a new hobby to take up. Spread these out over the next few months and put the list up somewhere visible so you don’t forget. It gives you a mini adventure to look forward too each month. I find it a useful way of coping and having something away from our fertility journey.

Take one step at a time, when you are ready you will move onto the next stage of your fertility journey. Never give up hope. You will be a mum some day. For me I may not conceive by following the path i’d dreamed & hoped but there are so many options. I have a list of my options on my phone, our last two options are donor eggs and adoption. It’s not what I want but I want to be a mum so bad if these are the only way I can achieve that then so be it. Every day I remind myself how lucky I am to have those options.

Be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve and when you are ready get your bucket load of positivity out of the cupboard and give the next stage of this journey everything you’ve got!

You are stronger than you can ever know, believe in yourself my lovely. Sending you hugs and positive vibes Xx

Emma04
Emma04 in reply to jengi

Thank you for sharing your way of coping that’s really helped me by reading that. You are so right we have forgotten to plan nice things to look forward to and the only things we do plan for is hospital visits, treatment cycles etc and it’s so easy to get lost in this. I wish you all the best with however you next decide to proceed in becoming a Mummy xxx

I'm so sorry for your losses. Infertility sucks and really drains you. When I was at my worst I was having anxiety and panic attacks and didn't want to be around anyone but I started acupuncture and got some ivf hypnotherapy cds from Amazon which really helped. Have your clinic launched any investigations as to what caused the miscarriages? It might be worth asking Diane for a list of follow up questions. Personally I have never suffered a miscarriage but I had never been pregnant before we started our round of ivf after 2 and half years of trying. I have lupus and one doctor suspected I had antiphospholipid syndrome which makes people more prone to miscarriages. He didn't want to risk the ivf failing so after egg collection I was put on baby asprin and clexane and for the first time ever gotta bfp which I am thankful to say is progressing. My lupus professor on the other hand was alarmed i'd been put on blood thinners without further testing for antiphospholipids syndrome as only one lot of bloods made it look like I had it but I don't care what she says. I'm adamant that without the asprin and blood thinners I don't think we would have had a pregnancy. I hope they can give you some answers and you get your baby xx

Emma04
Emma04 in reply to CC2018

I think I am going to ask more about this at our appointment - I’ve had Clexane for the last two cycles and these cycles were both bfp sadly ending with miscarriage.

I have the questions from Diane already but it has made me recall them and get them out to go over them again. Congratulations on you bfp - wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

CC2018
CC2018 in reply to Emma04

Thank you. I really hope they can give you some answers and that you get your baby. Stay strong- your strength and ability to get through this shows what an amazing person you are xx

I am so sorry lovely. You have been through a really traumatic time, and you are grieving and need to allow yourself time to do that. This is no different or less important than any other loss and is so so hard. You definitely must do what your body and mind tell you, if you have one good day - fantastic - enjoy that day, but don't beat yourself up if you have 10 consecutive days where you struggle to get out of bed and cry your eyes out on random occasions.. its all part of the process.

Give yourself time. It will get easier, but it might take a while. If you haven't already had counselling then please try it, I found my grief very quickly because anger, resentment and bitterness but thats because I bottled it all up.

There are happy endings. I don't think any of us will believe we are going to experience them until the day our baby is born. But we have to hold onto that hope and you will feel optimism again I promise... its just a bit early now.

Sending you love and hugs xxx

Emma04
Emma04 in reply to Daisy1245

Thank you so much for your kind words, today has been a hard day - I’m actually looking forward to returning to work tomorrow (I’m a teacher) and I know I shall have all the distractions I need!

Oh Emma this is so sad to read.

You really have been through the wringer. I can emphasise with how you feel I too have days where I feel like we are not going to get this dream we wish for. We have never seen a bfp.

There is nothing wrong with feeling crap and mourning what you have lost as long as you remember to try and pull yourself back up again and carry on. Honour what is lost rather than drowning in the sorrow.

It’s ok and you will come out the other side just be kind to yourself as you do it.

Sending love and hugs 💕xxx

Thank you so much xxxx

Hi Emma, I know how you feel, I’m struggling at the moment too. Started my first ivf cycle in May last year and got pregnant but then had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Devastated doesn’t even cut it..... so so hard.

Then we started with a round of FET in December and saw positive lines on early detector tests but nothing on a normal pregnancy test. So looks like I’ve had a chemical pregnancy.

Now we have used up our one go with the nhs and need to look at paying ourselves.

My OH is so upset too and feels like giving up, I just find it so hard, especially seeing all of my other friends with babies.

But I am sure we will get there ... just not meant to be right now x

Emma04
Emma04 in reply to Leigh2244

Oh my goodness you’ve been through such a lot haven’t you? It’s so so tough to stay positive and carry on. We are self funding and have done for three of our four rounds and it’s so hard as everything else literally has to go on hold.

Babies seem to be surrounding me at the moment - three people at work have just had babies and everywhere I look I see babies or pregnant ladies.

I’m sorry your OH is finding things hard - have you thought about counselling it really really helped us on Friday and we’ve booked to go together again.

Wishing you lots and lots of luck for the future xxx

Hidden
Hidden

You are not alone. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever been through. I swear I have never felt so sad and alone even though my hubby and friends have been fab. The slightest little thing annoys me. I’m either angry or sad and I used to be a positive happy person. But we can get through this xxx huge hugs to you xxx

Sorry to hear your so low. Keeping my fingers crossed for you xx

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