Went to in-laws yesterday and my husband brothers just had a baby. I’m in the process of loosing mine so everything’s a bit raw.
No one asked about it - just carried on as normal.
I went anyway, so not to look bad or show I was wallowing in self pity and found myself needing to walk out the room at times to get my breath. While I was doing this, my mother in law kept talking quite loudly about this house they’ve booked for Christmas which they’ve asked everyone to stay in. I’ve said I can’t go, several reasons really I don’t feel part of the family and it’s just going to be awkward timing with everything.
Anyway, while I’m walking out the room again to get some water (excuse) as they’re all fighting over the baby and whose turn to hold it it my mother in law shouts over ‘can x have ur travel cot for when they come away with us?’ I just shouted ‘yep’ under my breath and walked out into the garden with my husband to cry.
I just kept thinking obviously she knows I’m not going to need it. Why would she ask?
It’s my fault for going - is it just me being overly sensitive or was that cruel of her?
I do feel as though she was rubbing it all in my face while I was there - I don’t know why I just sensed it.
I don’t know I need advice pls xx
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I feel for you I really do. I think that was very insensitive and uncalled for knowing what you are going through. I don’t blame
You for not wanting to go at Christmas, at this time you need to think about you and only you. Please do not feel guilty or think your over reacting I think she had a god damn cheek to ask about the cot and I would have told her to F off to be honest but that’s just me. I pray and hope you start to feel better soon xxx
Thanks I almost did but I stopped myself so I didn’t cause a scene or awkwardness for my husband. I am so glad it’s not just me that thinks this. I truly think she’s evil 👿 xxx
Oh how awful. I guess maybe they just don't know how to be. You might have to explain to them that you are obviously (obviously not to them) going through an extremely hard time at the moment and have very raw emotions, that you would really appreciate their support and understanding at this very difficult time, and that you hope they understand why you both just need time alone at Christmas. I can't believe how insensitive they are being. Big hugs to you xxx
I think she’s intelligent enough to know what she was doing. I have said this morning she is insensitive after my husband text her about it. When she said sorry, I just said it’s not just my loss it’s your sons too. If she wants to get at me, she’s damaging the relationship with her son and grandson by doing so. Xx
She should be intelligent enough to know what she is doing that is why she needs called out on it. She seems like a horrible person. Someone you don't need at all right now and that is really sad xx
That sounds horrible and I can’t even believe how insensitive your mother in law was! Honesty u r not being over sensitive that is such a hard situation made worse by the insensitivity of her behaviour.
I would take some time for yourself and don’t commit to any family things for a while to give yourself the time u need and for your husband too, what did he make if it? Really hope you’re ok xxx
He isn’t a sensitive person but he saw it and knew it was uncalled for, i told him I wanted to leave but our little one was enjoying himself oblivious to what’s going on thankfully. We did leave early though.
I’m ok I looked more annoyed when I walked back in and I refused to eat any food she’d made - probably not the best come back of all time xx
Firstly I think you were very brave and selfless to go visiting yesterday. I don’t think I would have had the same courage.
I’m just so very sorry to hear that your family didn’t give more consideration to what you’re going through right now and have behaved so insensitively.
My advice to you would be to put yourself and your husband’s needs first right now. If you need some space away from your in - laws then take it. Don’t feel guilty about it. I always find Christmas really tough and given what you’re going through right now I’m sure you’re not looking forward to it at all this year. If you don’t feel comfortable going away with your husband’s family I wouldn’t go. Have you spoken to your husband about all of this?
Yes I tried telling him I don’t want to go. His words - it’s ages away you’ll feel differently then. No I won’t - not when I’m surrounded by ppl like that. I think after yesterday he may change his mind xx
Its bad enough what you are going through without MIL problems that make it so much worse because it plays on your mind. She sounds like something my MIL would say. I know some MIL are good but mine defo isnt. I know she will not be happy that i am expecting because of the way she is but thats just my situation.
No matter what ive said or done nothing is good for her, there is no pleasing her. She thinks her son is too good for me and always upsets me when ive gone round. I try and go less now but still show my face to respect my OH. If it was upto me i wouldnt see her again.
Some people are just hurtful, insensitive and rude. You are so much better than her. I agree with Myhope take some time out away from family commitments.
Yea I kind of feel that way too. I won’t mention I’m pregnant if it happens again I’ll just wait till my child’s born .. ta da. On a serious note though, I think she’s secretly pleased it’s over xx
If only we had that option. I know when i start showing and she learns of my pregnancy she will be really angry deep inside as to why it is working out for me. She makes out she cares and loves her son but she is the most selfish person ive ever met. Always interfering and cant go without seeing her son every other day and that too asking him to do jobs for her. Less of my rant. I think half of life's stresses are MIL related.
Anyway im here should u wish to let it all out. Im glad im not alone in this. You will come back stronger and more determined than ever xx
I don’t think you are being sensitive at all. I think it was amazing that you went at all and that people should appreciate what a difficult time you are going through and sensitive around that. I can’t believe how thoughtless your mother in law was, as if she needed to ask you right then.
You should look after yourself at the moment and if that means some space from them to grieve that I think that’s totally justified. Take care xx
Oh I totally know what you feel now and would like to hug you to give you my support😢 wished someone could read and understand my emotion too...
Last year I’ve lost early in pregnancy my baby, then we had our in laws for Christmas, and my husband brother family too. I’ve thought mum of my husband has special connection with me, I’ve expected her to send me at least personal text about my lose just something woman to woman sense of emotion-she only did it through my hubby, I’ve felt soo hurt about it and can forgive her this! but last year lots of things happen particularly to my husband health and we lost a baby on top and all seemed all over my hubby which in the end caused more harm to him and me when actually helped, it’s just show to us that some people just don’t know what to do when critical thing happen to close families ...I’ve additionally fell so hurt by my hubby family and by his mum who didn’t show me the support I needed at that time. I can’t get it over. Someone once told me that you can forget lots of bad things between people what has been said and all this rubbish people can cause themselves (I was perhaps not without guilt in all that), but you never forget how those people made you feel at that time! I totally agree with it.
I’ve changed so much towards my husband family, I’ve cut off completely relation with his brother and his family(for good enough reason, and my hubby agrees too). With my in laws I only tolerate them and do only necessary things like greeting ourselves or rarely visiting them but I do this only for my husband and to avoid those who I do not wish to meet, they live abroad so it’s easier for me.
I would never now change my attitude towards them as they do not seem to know they’ve done something to me, anyway to late for it too much hurt. I also will not educate them by telling how I’m feeling, better to leave them and surely they feel my silence and ignorance made them aware of something...
Keep close to your hubby though and do not make him bad of his family not his fault perhaps he is not fine with it too but it’s still his family ...
I wish his family emigrated abroad that would be fabulous. It feels to me, as you say they don’t even acknowledge they have done anything wrong. Only when it was mentioned by someone else - my husband. He is in denial that his family hate me - they do and after all this I can’t see a way forward. They just don’t have a clue or even a heart - at least where I’m concerned anyway. Xx
I know exactly how you feel, God knows how much I can relate.
I have no clue myself however how to make myself good with it, I really hate the feeling I have for them ruin my emotion I wanted like shout but I cannot of course as I will only make them feel good...I just hope that one day I will be able to go over it but now year after still can’t myself it’s really difficult and I really feel for you as I could imagine how do you feel.
Just concentrate on your wellbeing this is the most important now, by all means they will be fine haha I’m sure!
I’m sure too, I think they’ve pretended to be friendly for too long and just want to have a dig at me. It’s just a shame that was used to play dirty - oh well it’ll just make me more resilient, two fingers lol (in secret obviously as husband would be offended) xx
I think those who didn’t gone through TTC and any lose in this respect, they can’t ever relate. We would’ve think woman will, apparently it will be shocking to us to know how ignorant one women can be towards other in this respect.
Nope, it's definitely not you being sensitive! What a wicked, wicked witch to say those things and act that way. I think you did really well to not walk out the door and not return! Ive got no idea how some people think their behaviour is acceptable to others and even if she didnt know what to say, Im pretty sure she's grown up enough as to what not to say! I dont think I could go away with the family after that! Huge hugs!xx
I know I’m glad it’s not in my head. I told my husband she is evil earlier in a text, he said she’s not and that she is really sorry. I mean to be fair that was the icing on the cake she’d been overly attentive to the new baby - which I put up with as it’s her grandchild. Then to shout that out at me when I need a bit of solitude - I agree she really is a wicked witch xx
It must be hard for you both and I guess hubby is caught in the middle.....I guess at the end of the day she is your hubbys mum. Do what you can to avoid being around her, she sounds a bit toxic if you ask me.....you need to look after you!!xx
No you are not being too sensitive at all. She sounds like a very thoughtless person. some people don't how how to deal with loss in this situation. I've just been through one and my Dad (in my opinion) wasn't helpful at all. He just made jokes when I spoke to him and hasn't mentioned it. My OH says that he just didn't know what to say though and makes jokes to try and cheer me up. I have to say, that he really wouldn't say anything insensitive like this though.
I feel for you so much. It's so hard having to put a brave face on it all, even with people that are very supportive, let alone those that are not! I would definitely have to point it out to her, if it was me. There is just no need for that kind of behaviour.
Poor you! That is totally insensitive and no wonder you were upset.
I don't think you should go at Christmas if you don't want to, just look after yourself.
What's wrong with people?! Even if they find it awkward and maybe don't know what to say they could still pull you aside and speak to you to see how you are. All just sounds so mean.
As for the cot, I don't know what I would have done.
Draw close to your husband at this time and try not to let his family get in the way of your marriage.
No no, not at all. She was being very insensitive. I’m sorry you had to endure this. You were very brave to go so you deserve credit for that. It’s bad enough that you and your OH have suffered this blow, clearly she doesn’t think about the loss of her Grandchild. I would tell them you’ve changed your mind about the cot, I know it might seem petty or bitter, but I’d tell them to get their own. Sod um! And stick to your guns about Christmas too. I think you and Hubby should have a nice quiet one at home xx
You know I don’t even think she cares I lost it, some ppl don’t have emotions in the way we do because they lack empathy. I agree, I won’t give them my stuff - tbh I was in shock she’d even asked and couldn’t think of what to say. If I could go back in time (like the film Groundhog Day) I would love to relive it and tell her to F off - it might not be the way I’d settle on but it would have been funny to see their faces xx
I know, i don’t want a horrible Christmas I mean what is the fun in it when you don’t have family. But they won’t make it nice for us, they’ll make an absolute fuss of everyone else and we will stick out like sore thumbs. I don’t want to be part of that, oh look how wonderful x is shame what happened to you but oh well we’ve got another grandchild from someone else so it’s not the end of the world kind of attitude xx
You go and hold your head high, you are such a stronger person going through this than any other of your family members could be.
No one will ever know how it feels to go through fertility problems. They all take things for granted. And I suppose that is part of the problem, others will never know what it’s like and at the same time maybe don’t know how to be around you/us. But even still her comment was inconsiderate, no doubt about that.
Maybe speaking to everyone how you feel rather than holding back and getting upset. You don’t want to get all frustrated you need to be relaxed.
I kept our problems to us for 8months. Appointment after appointment until we both agreed that we couldn’t carry on like this and needed some support instead of keeping it to ourselves. We agreed to tell our close family and they were really supportive.
I also felt that they were finding it awkward around us at family gatherings as they were worried about upsetting us. I voiced it out that they didn’t know for so long before and they shouldn’t be any different with us now. It really helped and now family gatherings are more relaxed just like they use to be.
This is awful behaviour, and after you were unbelievably brave for going in the first place. Some people are just cruel and lack any empathy, and seem to enjoy other people’s pain - to me this says they are miserable in their own lives and seek out others’ misery to make them feel better about themselves.
I’d get myself as far away from her as possible, at least whilst you grieve and take time for yourself to heal. You don’t need this toxicity in your life. She sounds like a narcissist, you’ll never get through to one of those so don’t waste your energy.
So sorry you’re going through all of this, look after yourself xx
Sounds horrible. I don't think you're being over sensitive. I can't believe no one asked how you were... though maybe they were just afraid of upsetting you.
I don't have much advice. Maybe you could ask your partner to have a word with them. I think it's just bloody horrible asking after your cot. It's completely disregarding the fact you are not ok. Completely ignoring your situation. It makes me feel really sad.
I hope you feel ok and can start to feel better soon.
My goodness that's absolutely awful. It sounds like she only cares about the little one right now and surely doesn't need you there over Christmas! This is the time you need to look after yourself, please do not feel guilty and take as much time as you need. I think you have been very brave in actually going to see her, but she had her chance which she completely destroyed, so you shouldn't put up with her anymore X hope you feel better soon x
Unsencertive for sure she should never ask you things like that only if she new what it would be like standing in your shoes some people really don’t have a heart and I would not give anything away.. thinking of u xx
I know, she’s just blindsided by the new baby and completely disregards anyone’s feelings. My husbands upset because he doesn’t want me to hate her, but to be honest after her attitude towards me while going through all this I don’t care to be around her anymore. I’m remaining tight lipped around him because it gets to him, it’s his mother at the end of it. But it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I’ve got my own crap going on, it was that day that it was confirmed my hcg levels were dropping I just felt completely alone. Xx
How awful for you. I admire you for being so brave. Well done for being so strong. You absolutely need to look after number one and don't feel guilty for doing so. Sending lots of love and hope hubby is looking after you xx
He’s trying, thank you. I get the feeling they all look at me as though I’m being overly dramatic. It’s really not fair, like I’m in the process of my dad dying too - possibly a few days left. I caught I glimpse of what she text him yesterday, you know what she said? ‘We’ve all lost people we care about’. People! people my dad is not a ‘people’ he’s my dad. Also why would you even say that unless she was trying to make out I’m dramatising again - I mean, why would I cry - they’ve lost people they care about so that makes it all ok. I went for a drive last night, on my own to cry in private. Just pulled up had a cry and quickly realised I needed a wee so went back home lol. That is not dramatic in my book - i needed a bit of solitude because I couldn’t have a heartfelt cry at home in private.
Wow I have no idea how you coped with all that.I am so sorry you didn't get the compassion and support you deserve it is unbelievable the things some people do and say stay strong but allow yourself to grieve and cry when you need to x
Thanks I hold it together most of the time, it’s just now and then when it builds up I just have to go somewhere. I mean I used to go to my mum and dad when things got tough but now I go there and it’s another whole grieving process - the door was always open and my dad would be sat there and he’d say ‘you’ve always got your mum and dad’. That’s the hardest part I think xx
My sister in law was pregnant when I miscarried, she never acknowledged our pregnancy and even less when we miscarried. Once she had the baby a few weeks ago I walked through the door the baby was shoved in my arms nothing said no consideration for how I might feel. I don't think people do it on purpose but "normal" people just don't understand x
Thanks well I haven’t forgiven yet and I’ve not had anything in respect of a text to say she’s sorry or anything - since the day after it happened after my husband mentioned it to her that is. She probably doesn’t care but neither do I anymore.
She’s blown it with me. I don’t have to be involved, it’s a shame and it definitely puts a downer on my relationship because it’s not ideal but I’m getting through it day by day x
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Mother in law problems..am I being too sensitive? 
Am I being selfish or greedy 
Excluded from family baby shower 💔
**SENSITIVE, HOPE & FAITH **
N no or sure what to do anymore 
