Am I being selfish or greedy

[SuzanneAM]

Where do I start.....

* I’m 33 and have known since I was 17 that I was unable to conceive a baby naturally and that my only chances where egg donation

* 1 fail, 1 miscarriage and then 3rd time lucky in October 2016 I gave birth to a baby boy who is now 2 and a half

* 2018 I tried again frozen embryo transfer but miscarried 😢

* so where am I up to now it’s 2019 my brother has just had a baby girl in March and today my sister has just given birth to a baby girl as I type this. And 3 weeks ago I had to put my dog to sleep who has been in my life for 14 years like having another child.

* I don’t have periods and I use to go on the pill to help me bleed and help the blood flow to the womb. I was told by my doctor that there is a new law that you have to have a BMI of 30 or below to go on the pill and I can’t try IVF until I’ve been on the pill for a couple of months. Which is frustrating because I wasn’t a BMI of 30 or below when I was on the pill last time or when I done IVF the last 4 times (I paid because of my weight)

* so as it stands I’ve got people getting pregnant and giving birth, I have to lose weight, go on the pill for several months and then try IVF which means I’m looking at the end of 2019 early 2020 before I can try again

* I ask myself am I being selfish and greedy because I’ve already got this amazing boy who makes me smile everyday, I say to my mum and husband that if my son is my only child then that is amazing and I’m lucky but I have 3 embryos there I’m getting older I want to at least say I tried to give him a little brother and sister

* I feel awful because there is people out there struggling to still have there first. I have my mum saying to me that I’m coming across like my son is not enough for me because I am wanting more which makes me feel awful because that’s not the case. I have my husband saying to stop worrying we will try again one day it will be our time again in the future.

Neither understand that its not a case of wanting a baby right this second it’s the heartbreak and constant reminder of everything you have to go through to try to have a baby from losing weight, to raising the money to pay private, to the medication, the scans, the appointments, the embryo transfer, the two week wait and then to do all that it might not work you see that BFN or you get a BFP and you get excited and then miscarry. No one in my family understands, makes me feel alone sometimes.

You have to be strong to do this journey, and you are all amazing x x

[hoping-for-the-best]

No, you are not being selfish or greedy wanting another child. I had no idea that secondary infertility could be as tough as this. Logically you’d think once you have one you should be happy and move on, but it doesn’t work like that if you don’t feel your family is complete. It’s a basic need and just as strong as the drive to have your first, in my experience anyway. I have exactly the same feelings of guilt, but the way my counsellor explained it to me is that one thing does not preclude the other. Your desire for another child doesn’t move on a sliding scale according to how much you love your first!! That’s really unfair of your Mum but people just don’t get it.

Hang on in there, I know the wait is tough but you do have three embryos waiting for you, they’re not going anywhere. And you’re not old! Xx

[SuzanneAM in reply to hoping-for-the-best]

Thank you so much

[Kempton]

It's very easy for people to say to those who conceived with fertility support that they should just be grateful for the one child they have. I bet most of these people have more than one child! And you are entitled to want.more children too. Doesn't mean you love your son any less. Secondary infertility is just as hard in my opinion.

Just try not to get Down. Work on the goAl of losing the weight so you can use your other embryos. And the embryos are not getting older which is sort of a plus right?

[SuzanneAM in reply to Kempton]

Thank you so much

[magda22]

Oh I'm sorry, love, you've got an awful lot to deal with. Many of us here do. It's flipping nuts, isn't it?? Infertility is a mad difficult journey, it takes over your life abd sense of identity. I'm sending you some big hugs. Someone else I think mentioned councilling, it can be so helpful to get some of the thoughts out, if you can find a Councillor specialised in infertility issues, all the better, though I think it can be hard, there aren't loads. Ones who do often do Skype appointments too. Failing that, this forum is so helpful for a rant, and knowing you're not alone. Hugs x

[SuzanneAM]

Thank you so much

[Lynnr54]

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. The desire for another child is strong. I’ve now had 2 successful rounds of IVF but when I was trying for no. 2 each failed round was still a massive blow. I kept telling myself that I had my little boy but as much as I loved him there was still that desire for a second one. It’s just a natural feeling. If you already have 3 Frosties then are the rules about BMI the same? If your existing clinic is being unhelpful then I would contact other clinics in your area to see whether they have the same view or if they will treat you. There may be a charge but your existing clinic would have to move your embryos to the new clinic if you asked them to.