Feelings

[SMMcA]

Hey everyone,

We have recently found out we’re going to be going through treatment. I’m just wondering does anyone have any coping mechanisms that they used. I’m really struggling to come to terms with the whole thing! I can’t help but feel “why me”!!!

Does everyone feel the same??

It’s also a hard time as my sister in law has just announced she’s pregnant and I’m struggling to deal with her news!!

I feel as though I’m being a horrible person as I can’t even speak to her!!

I’ve a great support network with my husband and family but just wondering what else got everyone through?

Xxx

[Hidden]

Oh yes, completely normal. Please don't feel bad. You will go through all the grieving process a number of times. You will be narky at people you love for no reason and feel so bad and down about it even whilst you are doing it. You will also be hesitant at any point to raise your hopes in case it doesn't work out.

Coping mechanisms - do take up the offer of counselling from the clinic, do join in here and speak with people. Share with friends and family if you can. Find a good outlet for anger - boxing? Lean on all of us as much as you like xxx

[SMMcA in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your reply! It’s good knowing other people feel the same as me!! We are still at very early stage of the process so I haven’t been offered counselling yet! I’m not 100% sure it’s a route I want to go down! But I am willing to try anything to make me feel better!! This forum has been very helpful! X

[Hidden in reply to SMMcA]

Well you know where we are. I really wish I had found this place years ago xx

[MofM]

Hello, I feel you here. After an ectopic pregnancy took away my right tube and the left one was discovered to be close, I spent endless hours crying and blaming myself (the tubes got damaged by STI).

It was clear that I needed help to cope, therefore I went through IAPT, where I met a trainee consultant which had no idea on how babies were made (really). They referred me to an external program run by volunteers which is a kind of behavioural therapy that is not the best if you are not resilient yourself but it still could be better than nothing (or at least I got some useful bits from it, and discussing with my listener makes me also feel better). I also started to use a Meditation App (called Headspace) which is at least helping me to relax.

I also started to read a lot about IVF (knowledge is power!), including a book called "Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility", which helped me a bit to cope.

Last but not least the people here gave me great support and hope.

Sending love, feel free to send me a message if you want to discuss this further xxx

[SMMcA in reply to MofM]

Awk sorry to hear what you went through! Il have a wee look for the app, some home remedies is what I’m looking for at the min! I know this journey is only going to get tougher so I’m trying to hold back on counselling until closer to the treatment!

Yes been reading up lots on it, although some of the info is scary!! But will look for that book! Hope it will give me come comfort!

Thanks so much, the support here is amazing!! So glad I found this x

[MofM in reply to SMMcA]

The book is pretty "harsh" and made me cry more than once, so beware of what it can bring to the surface. On the other hand, it made me reflect on some aspects of my life and of fertility, and mature a more general feeling of forgiveness and understanding, (or perhaps just calm and acceptance).

I think that you should start counselling as soon as you need it (and if you need it now, why not?). It will help you to be in a better headspace before starting your journey, whichever it will be, and perhaps you will not need it when you will be closer to treatment

If you want, I may have a voucher for a free month of the Headspace app. Drop me a private message and I will look for it!

Sending hugs xxx

[kelsbels88]

Oh honey all of this is normal.

Nobody warns you about the emotional turmoil and rollercoaster you go through when I you finally decide “I’m going to try for a baby” especially when you don’t know you have any struggles.

Then add into the mix you now know about your struggles and whatever may be causing you to struggle and before you know everyone is falling pregnant and you’re there saying those exact words, “why me?”

I find I always say “what did I do wrong?” Because it feels like some days I must have done something awful to deserve this. Obviously I probably haven’t but it all still goes through your mind.

You haven’t done anything. It’s not just you. You will come to realise how strong and determined you actually are. How you manage to find hope even when you don’t feel like there is any left. You learn who is around to lean on (this forum is AMAZING for that) and you develop a set of activities or hobbies that you realise help to keep young grounded and sane.

Thinking of you 💕xx

[SMMcA in reply to kelsbels88]

Aww thank you for your kind words 💕 x

[Tugsgirl]

Pretty much everyone feels the same way. All you can do is take it day by day and try not to let things overwhelm you. Perhaps consider counselling if you think you’re going to struggle. Good luck xx

[Hidden]

I battled with the question of "why me?" for a very long time. But then I did a lot of reading on negative thought processes which makes you ask the question: "well... why NOT me?!"

It made me look at things from another perspective I guess. You can't choose the cards you're dealt in life but you sure as hell can choose how to play them!

Everything you feel is normal but you will find strength that you never knew you had, it's actually a wonderful journey in that sense. Xx

[Foodie23]

Hi SMMcA,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this difficult time. As all the other ladies have said, your feelings are completely normal.

I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility in July and we did our first IVF injection last night. The last few months have been a grieving process filled with anxiety and fear. Yes, it’s awful to have so much uncertainty around something you want so much.

I’ve leaned on a lot of things to get me through up to this point. The people on this forum are absolutely amazing. I’ve never experienced such love and kindness from total strangers. I’d also recommend seeing an infertility counsellor, even if it’s just for one visit. I did and it really helped me gain some perspective. I’ve taken up yoga, which has helped me cope with the anxiety. In my area my GP has an exercise on prescription program in which I got a 3 mo membership to a gym for free. I qualified because of the stress, anxiety and depression of infertility.

I journal a lot and I’ve read a couple books that really helped me. One was The Gift of Maybe by Allison Carmen and Rising Strong by Brene Brown. It isn’t easy, but I’ve found the only way for me to get through this is to feel, process and move through my feelings. It’s exhausting and takes work, but it’s so much better than bottling it up.

I’ve leaned on my husband for lots of cuddles when I’m feeling sad. This experience has helped us learn how to support each other better. I’ve been very open with friends and family about what we’re going through and some people have really surprised me with how understanding and supportive they’ve been. A good friend of mine moved all the way to South Korea last year and we’ve Skyped once a week this whole month just for some girl time.

I’ve gotten more into cooking, something that relaxes me and brings me joy. I made a new playlist of great music to inspire me and get me dancing. My husband and I have found some great comedy shows to make us laugh. Find what brings you comfort, joy and relaxation and do that.

This isn’t going to be easy, but what I keep bringing myself back to is whatever I have to go through to get me to my family will be worth it, even if it takes longer and our family happens differently than I’d hoped. You are stronger than you think and you will get through this. I truly believe that although I can’t see how things will work out, I have faith that at the end of this all I will be a mum and if it’s what you truly desire, you will be too. Xx